A Hamatio Shipper's Hamlet

A Hamatio Shipper’s Hamlet
Scene I. Elsinore. A platform before the Castle.

[Bernardo and Francisco at his post.]
BERNARDO: Have you had quiet guard?
FRANCISCO: Not a mouse stirring.
BERNARDO: Hey, here comes Horatio
FRANCISCO: I’m going to go to bed now
[Enter Horatio.]
HORATIO: Where’s the “Ghost”
BERNARDO: What’s with the air quotes? It’s a real thing.
HORATIO: Sure. Has this thing appear'd again to-night?
BERNARDO: no
HORATIO: It won’t come
BERNARDO: Sit down awhile.
HORATIO: Fine…Holy Crap
[Enter Ghost, armed.]
BERNARDO: Horatio, You’re vaguely intelligent, go speak to it
HORATIO: Hi, Ghost, sorry I didn’t believe in you. Mind telling me why you are, you know, haunting Elsinore.
Benardo: It is offended.
HORATIO: Stay! Speak, speak! Was it something I said?
[Exit Ghost.]
BERNARDO: This is going to upset your boyfriend, Horatio.
HORATIO: Shut Up, will you (pause) But I should probably go tell him about this.

Scene II. Elsinore. A room of state in the Castle.
[Enter the King, Queen, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes, Lords, and Attendant.]

KING: How is my new son Hamlet
HAMLET: Little more than kin and less than kind
KING: mmmhhmmm
LAERTES: Can I pretty please go back to France
KING: Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius?
POLONIUS: He hath, my lord.
HAMLET: I hope he doesn’t have too many kids when he gets home.
QUEEN: Hamlet, that was rude. (Hamlet glowers) Is this because of your father’s death?
HAMLET: and your remarriage.
QUEEN: If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?
HAMLET: Seems, madam! Nay, it is; I know not seems. I just want to mourn Dad leave me alone.
KING: That’s sweet Hamlet, but this situation is totally normal.
QUEEN: By the way, I’ve denied you leave to go back to Wittenberg.
HAMLET: But, all my friends are there (whispers) and you aren’t
KING: Too Bad

EXIT ALL BUT HAMLET

HAMLET: O that this too too solid flesh would melt,Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew! I miss my friends, I miss my dad and why is my mother so into incest?!
HORATIO: Hamlet
HORATIO. I am so glad to see you
HORATIO: Sweet Prince, and I you.
HAMLET: What is your affair in Elsinore? We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.
HORATIO: Yeah, about that. I saw your dad’s ghost
HAMLET: Horatio, you must be ill, you don’t believe in ghosts.
HORATIO: Yes, well, now I do.
HAMLET: Oh dear God, show me.
HORATIO: Are you sure about that.
HAMLET: Yes, I’ll be fine

Scene III. A room in Polonius's house.
[Enter Laertes and Ophelia.]

LAERTES: I’m ready to go to France!
OPHELIA: Have fun and don’t see too many girls.
LAERTES: If so then you stay away from Hamlet. He’s kind of Depressed and I don’t want your heart broken… or dead.
OPHELIA: Fine
LAERTES: Father, any parting words?
[Enter Polonius.]

POLONIUS: When I was a small lad when I first went to France I met a young boy…
OPHILIA: Jesus Christ I don’t know how he handles this all the time. I might as well take a nap.
POLONIUS: What I’m trying to say is this to thine own self be true.
LAERTES: (wakes up) Yep right, thanks dad. Good-bye

OPHELIA: I’m gonna go look for Hamlet now… I hope he isn’t with Horatio
[Exeunt.]

Scene IV. The platform.
[Enter Hamlet, Horatio,.]

HAMLET: The air bites shrewdly. It is very cold
HORATIO: You can have my jacket if you want
HAMLET: when will the ghost come?
HORATIO: Soon, I hope.
HAMLET: Well, the stars look really beautiful tonight.
HORATIO: Yeah
[Enter Ghost.]

HAMLET: Angels and ministers of grace defend us!—King, father, royal Dane; O, answer me!
HORATIO: Darn it
[Ghost beckons Hamlet.]

HORATIO: It beckons you to go away with it. Oh, Don’t go!
HAMLET: It will not speak; then will I follow it.
HORATIO: It’s a demon! It might kill you or make you mad. (Grabs for Hamlet’s wrist)

HAMLET: Hold off your hands.
HORATIO: Please no Hamlet
[Ghost beckons.]

HAMLET: Unhand me, gentleman!
HORATIO: (Hurt) Ok. Try not to let him bewitch you
[Exeunt Ghost and Hamlet.]

Scene V. A more remote part of the Castle.
[Enter Ghost and Hamlet.]

HAMLET: Ok you upset Horatio, what do you want.
GHOST: I was murdered and your uncle is the killer. He killed me with ear poison.
HAMLET: Ear poison?
GHOST: I know right, anyway. Avenge me Hamlet. Do not rest while Claudius lives. Do whatever it takes to kill him.
HAMLET: MURDER!
GHOST: Make this Royal Danish line the most gruesome ever!
HAMLET: Wait, what?
GHOST: 'Nothing
HAMLET: How many people do you think I’m going to kill.
GHOST: Ummm…. Goodbye Hamlet Remember me
[Exit.]

HAMLET: O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! I’m so going to kill my uncle!

Scene VI. A room in Polonius's house.
[Polonius discovered. Enter Ophelia.]

POLONIUS: How now, Ophelia! What’s the matter?
OPHELIA: Hamlet came into my room looking like a hawk attacked him said something about ghosts and revenge, kissed me and then left.
POLONIUS: I thought he was with Horatio.
OPHELIA: DAD!!
POLONIUS: Ok ,ok, he is totally in love with you.
OPHELIA: My lord, I do not know; but truly I do fear it.
POLONIUS: Then you should tell him off.
OPHELIA: But Dad, I kind of like him.
POLONIUS: Then I have no advice, but I can ask the king.
[Exeunt.]

Scene VII. A room in the Castle.
[Enter King, Queen, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Attendants.]

KING: Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
QUEEN: Please, boys, go cheer Hamlet up. Oh, and please watch over him for us.
KING: Find out why he’s mad
GUILDENSTERN: So you want us to be spies.
ROZANCRANTZ: I don’t like that.
QUEEN: I’ll give you gold.
GUILDENSTERN: Done!
QUEEN: Ay, amen!
[Exeunt Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and some Attendants].
[Enter Polonius.]

POLONIUS: My good liege, Hamlet is so in love with my daughter.
KING: where did you get that idea?
QUEEN: I thought Hamlet had a thing for Horatio.
POLONIUS: I don’t care; look at what he gave my daughter.
QUEEN: You don’t think that might be, I don’t know, PRIVATE!
POLONIUS: Psh no. Listen to this. 'To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia,'
QUEEN: and Hamlet wrote this
POLONIUS: Yes, but wait, there’s more[Reads.]
'Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.

QUEEN: I thought he was a better poet… You’re sure Hamlet wrote it.
POLONIUS: YES! Hamlet is so upset because he’s in love with Ophelia.
KING: Do you think 'tis this?
QUEEN: It may be, very likely.
POLONIUS: Yay, let’s investigate.

Scene VIII. A room in the Castle.
[Hamlet sits. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.]

GUILDENSTERN: My honoured lord!
ROSENCRANTZ: My most dear lord!
HAMLET: My excellent good friends! How are you.
GUILDENSTERN: Happy in that we are not over-happy;
HAMLET: What make you at Elsinore?
ROSENCRANTZ: To visit you, my lord; no other occasion.
HAMLET: Sure
GUILDENSTERN: What should we say, my lord?
HAMLET: Why, anything you were sent for. I see it in your face.
GUILDENSTERN: I’m sorry, my lord
HAMLET: Well, I have of late,—but wherefore I know not,—lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! how infinite in faculties! in form and moving, how express and admirable! In action how like an angel! in apprehension, how like a god! The beauty of the world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me; no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.
ROSENCRANTZ: My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts.
HAMLET: I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.
GUILDENSTERN: I sure hope so.

Scene IX. A room in the Castle.
[King, Queen, Polonius, and Ophelia.]

KING: Gertrude, go away, I’m going to spy on your son.
QUEEN: You still don’t think that is an invasion to his privacy.
KING: Just leave
[Exit Queen.]

POLONIUS: Look here he comes.
[Enter Hamlet.]

HAMLET: To be, or not to be,—that is the question:—
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?—To die,—to sleep,—
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,—'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die,—to sleep;—
To sleep! perchance to dream:—ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause...
OPHELIA: Are you ok Hamlet, you look unwell
HAMLET: I humbly thank you; well, well, well.
OPHELIA: Ok, so… do you have another love poem for me?
HAMLET: No, not I; I never gave you aught.
OPHELIA: But…but
HAMLET: Ha, ha! Are you honest?
OPHELIA: My lord?
HAMLET: Are you fair?
OPHELIA: yes?
HAMLET: That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse to your beauty.
OPHELIA: So I’m beautiful?
HAMLET: NO! You’re a liar and a traitor and I don’t love you!
OPHELIA: Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.
HAMLET: Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners? Where’s your father.
OPHELIA: At home, my lord.
HAMLET: Let the doors be shut upon him. I do not love you.
OPHELIA: O, help him, you sweet heavens!
HAMLET: Marry a fool. I am none
OPHELIA: O heavenly powers, restore him!
HAMLET: God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another. Go to, I'll no more on't; we will have no more marriages: those that are married already, all but one, shall live; the rest shall keep as they are. To a nunnery, go.
[Exit.]

OPHELIA: O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!
[Re-enter King and Polonius.]

KING: Love! his affections do not that way tend;
POLONIUS: I noticed. Don’t fret Ophelia, we heard everything.
KING: It shall be so: madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go.
[Exeunt.]

Scene X. A room in the Castle.
[Hamlet discovered. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.]

ROSENCRANTZ: Wasn’t that a bit harsh.
HAMLET: She’ll be fine.
GUILDENSTERN: I don’t think so.
ROSENCRANTZ: My lord, you once did love me.
HAMLET: And so I do still, more than her, at least.
ROSENCRANTZ: Ok, what’s wrong with you Hamlet
HAMLET: Will you play upon this recorder?
GUILDENSTERN: What?
HAMLET: I pray you.
GUILDENSTERN: No!
HAMLET: I do beseech you.
GUILDENSTERN: I haven’t played it since the fourth grade
HAMLET: Liar
GUILDENSTERN: What, I just don’t have the skill.
HAMLET: 'Sblood, do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me.
[Exit.]

Scene XI. A room in the Castle.
[Enter King, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern.]

KING: So, did it go well?
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN: No. We know nothing.
KING: Then be with him until you do!
[Exeunt Ros. and Guil.]

[Enter Polonius.]

POLONIUS: I told him to talk to his mother. I’ll hide behind a curtain and spy on then
KING: Thanks, my dear lord.
[Exit Polonius.]
I am so going to hell for this. I wonder if I will be able to pray my sins away.
[Retires and kneels.]
[Enter Hamlet.]

HAMLET: Shoot, I can’t kill him,. He’s praying. That’ll only send him to heaven. (Growls)
[Exit.]

Scene XII. Another room in the castle.
[Enter Queen and Polonius.]

POLONIUS: Don’t worry, if anything goes wrong I’m right behind this curtain.
HAMLET: [Outside.] Mother, mother, mother!
QUEEN: I’ll be fine
[Polonius goes behind the arras.]
[Enter Hamlet.]

QUEEN: Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
HAMLET: Mother, you have my father much offended.
QUEEN: Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.
HAMLET: Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.
QUEEN: Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak.
HAMLET: You need to look at your innards to see what you have become.
QUEEN: What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me?—
Help, help, ho!
POLONIUS: [Behind.] What, ho! Help, help, help!
HAMLET: Is That Claudius?
[Draws. Makes a pass through the curtain.]

POLONIUS: [Behind.] Worst day ever
[Falls and dies.]

QUEEN: JESUS CHRIST. What did you just do?
HAMLET: I HOPE I killed the king
[Draws forth Polonius.]

QUEEN: O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!
HAMLET:I wish it was Claudius
QUEEN: HAMLET!!
HAMLET: He killed my dad and he’s …right… behind you.
[Enter Ghost.]

GHOST: You need to learn how to better control your emotions, Hamlet
HAMLET: Mom mom do you see him?
QUEEN: There’s no one there.
HAMLET: What
QUEEN: Nothing at all.
HAMLET: Nor did you nothing hear?
QUEEN: No, nothing but ourselves.
HAMLET: But I don’t want to look insane now.
[Exit Ghost.]

QUEEN: O Hamlet, thou hast cleft my heart in twain.
HAMLET: I’m sorry mom, but I have to hide the body now

PASSES CLAUDIUS WITH THE BODY

KING: That’s it you’re going to England (aside) to be killed
HAMLET: what?
KING: nothing

Scene XIII. A room in the Castle.
[Enter King.]
[A noise within.]

KING: Who’s there
[Enter a Gentleman.]
What is the matter?
GENTLEMAN: Laertes will be here soon.
KING: Oh God no
(ENTER QUEEN DISTRESSED)

QUEEN: Ophelia has gone mad. Come with me.
(ALL ENTER OPHELIA”S CHAMBERS)

QUEEN: How are you doing
OPHELIA: My boyfriend killed my dad and my brother’s awol, how are you. No, shut up. I don’t care. I have flowers for you and you and you and you. I don’t have any rosemary, sorry my queen.
[Enter Laertes, armed;.]

LAERTES: (stands in shock)I’m going to kill you
KING: Hamlet did it.
LAERTES: I’m going to kill Hamlet.

HORATIO IN HIS CHAMBERS

MESSENGER: Here’s a letter from Hamlet
HORATIO: (reading)… OH DEAR GOD, HAMLET WAS KIDNAPPED BY PIRATES.

IN THE THROWN ROOM

KING: I have a plan to kill Hamlet. I want you to duel him and I’ll poison your blade. I will also poison the celebratory wine so if you loose. Hamlet also dies.
LAERTES: There are five things that could go horribly wrong with that plan.
KING: SHUT UP
(ENTER GERTRUDE CRYING)

QUEEN: Ophelia is dead. She was climbing in a willow tree and she fell.
LAERTES: Alas, then she is drown'd?
QUEEN: Drown'd, drown'd.
LAERTES: I must prepare her body for burial.

Scene XIV. A churchyard.
(ENTER HAMLET AND HORATIO WALKING TOGETHER)

HAMLET: It’s great not to be kidnapped by pirates.
HORATIO: Yes, sweet Hamlet, it is nice to have you back.
(APPROACHES SINGING CLOWN)

CLOWN: LA LA LA LA death death
HAMLET: whose skull was that
CLOWN: That was Yorik’s skull. He was the mad prince’s babysitter
HAMLET: Alas poor Yorik. I knew him Horatio. He hath borne me a thousand times upon his back. (Places skull to forehead)
HORATIO: Are you ok
HAMLET: Please hold me… Who comes now?
[Enter Priests &c, in procession; the corpse of Ophelia, Laertes, and Mourners following; Hamlet, King, Queen, their Trains &c.]

HORATIO: Oh yeah, Ophelia kind of died while you were away.
HAMLET: NO! [Leaps into the grave.]
LAERTES: The devil takes thy soul! (Leaps into Grave)
[Grappling with him.]

HAMLET: I loved her more than you ever could. My love was so much more than brotherly love.
LAERTES: Liar, YOU KILLED HER!!
KING: Pluck them asunder.
QUEEN: Hamlet! Hamlet!
ALL: Gentlemen! —
[The Attendants part them, and they come out of the grave.]

LAERTES: Duel me!
HAMLET: Sure! Whatever. The cat will mewl and the dog will have his day.
[Exit.]

Scene XV. A hall in the Castle.
[Enter Horatio and Hamlet.]

HORATIO: You can’t do this Hamlet. I don’t want to loose you.
HAMLET: I do not think so; since he went to France I have been in continual practice: I shall win at the odds.
HORATIO: If your mind dislikes anything, obey it: Please Hamlet.
HAMLET: Everything will be fine, my dear
[Enter King, Queen, Laertes, Osric, Lords, and Attendants with foils.]

KING: Come, Hamlet, come, and take this hand from me.
[The King puts Laertes' hand into Hamlet's.]

HAMLET: Let’s make peace Laertes
LAERTES: Never
HAMLET: I embrace your rage freely; Give us the foils; come on.
LAERTES: Come, one for me.
HAMLET: Let’s fight
LAERTES: You mock me, sir.
HAMLET: No, by this hand.
LAERTES: Come, my lord.
[They play.]

HAMLET: One.
LAERTES: No.
HAMLET: Judgment!
OSRIC: A hit, a very palpable hit.
LAERTES: Darn it
KING: Stay, give me drink. —Hamlet, this pearl is thine;
Here's to thy health. —Give him the cup.
HAMLET: Um, no thanks, I don’t take drinks from my enemy.
(THEY FIGHT MORE)
Come.—Another hit; what say you?

LAERTES: OW! A touch, a touch, I do confess.
[They play.]

KING: Our son shall win.
QUEEN: Yay, a drink to your good fortune.
HAMLET: Good madam!
KING: Gertrude, do not drink.
QUEEN: I will, my lord; I pray you pardon me.
LAERTES: My lord, I'll hit him now.
KING: I do not think't.
HAMLET: Come, for the third, Laertes I am afeard you make a wanton of me.
LAERTES: Say you so? Come on. Have at you now!
[Laertes wounds Hamlet; then, in scuffling, they change rapiers, and Hamlet wounds Laertes.]

HAMLET: Ow, that really hurt. I’m going to stab you.
KING: Part them; they are incens'd.
HAMLET: Nay, come again!
[The Queen falls.]

OSRIC: Look to the queen there, ho!
HORATIO: They bleed on both sides.—How is it, my lord?
OSRIC: How is't, Laertes?
HAMLET: what’s wrong with MOM
KING: She swoons to see them bleed.
QUEEN: The wine was poison, dear Hamlet.
[Dies.]

HAMLET: No! Mother (To the king) You killed her.
[Laertes falls.]

LAERTES: I’m sorry Hamlet. I am to blame. The sword was poisoned. You will die. Forgive me.
HAMLET: The point envenom'd too! —Then, venom, to thy work.
[Stabs the King.]

OSRIC and LORDS: Treason! Treason!
KING: O, yet defend me, friends! I am but hurt.
HAMLET: HOW DARE YOU CLAIM TO HAVE ANY INNOCENSE AFTER TONIGHT. (Whispering to king) follow my mother.
[King dies.]

LAERTES: Mine and my father's death come not upon thee,
Nor thine on me!
[Dies.]

HAMLET: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.
I am dead, Horatio. —
HORATIO: There is yet some liquor left.
HAMLET: Don’t kill yourself. O good Horatio, what a wounded name,
Things standing thus unknown shall live behind me!
If thou didst ever hold me in your heart of hearts,
Absent thee from felicity awhile,
And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain,
To tell my story. —
[Dies.]

HORATIO: Now cracks a noble heart. —Good night, sweet prince,
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! (Cradles Hamlet’s head and cries)
(LONG PAUSE)
(ENTER FORTINBRAS)

FORTINBRAS: Hey I’m coming to take over- OH MY GOD, WHY IS THE DANISH ROYAL FAMILY-and that guy-DEAD!
HORATIO: (still crying) Everyone but King Claudius is innocent.
FORTINBRAS: I let you and three soldiers bear Hamlet like a captain to the stage. Such a dark sight is the famed hall of Elsinore.
[Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies.]