The Giants, The Beasts and I

"Oh, the horror! The terrible, agonizing horror! Why does Cami get to keep hers?! I'll never trust you again!" I wailed and wailed, but what was done was done.

The giants had taken away my beautiful claws. I hadn't done anything to warrant such an embarrassing punishment. Sure, I may have left a few hairballs under the bed, ran out of the door at every opportunity without coming home for hours at a time, meowed at them incessantly while they were staring at the moving pictures box, and sometimes I would even steal food off the counter that the tiny giant would leave unattended. I may have even knocked over a few cups still containing liquid. But I couldn't see how any of those things had anything to do with my claws. Well, no use agonizing over it any longer. At least I still had my fangs.

I'm not utterly fond of my sister, Cami, but she and I have an unspoken agreement on sharing our kingdom which the giants have provided for us. She's so lazy, she's asleep most of the time anyway. I had it made. I was king of the castle.

One day, the giants made an even more terrible decision. As they opened the door to walk inside, I began to sprint out before it shut, but I was stopped mid sprint by two hideous beasts! Dogs!

"Jackson, Oliver, this is Oreo. Oreo, these are Jackson and Oliver," said the female giant. I froze in horror. How dare she bring these putrid beasts into my kingdom without my consent! And even if she had consulted me first, I would never had consented!

"I'm Ollie! I'm Ollie! I'm Ollie!" One of the beasts repeated as he pawed at me.

"I don't care who you are, you're both just as ugly as each other! Giant, get these beasts out of my castle!" But the giant paid no mind to me.

I was startled out of my frozen stance by the other beast sniffing my rear end. I turned as quickly as I could, took his head between my paws and bit down on his face. "Don't touch me you foul creature!"

After losing my claws, I had learned to use this mysterious magical power that my paws possessed. Anytime I held something between them, it couldn't get away and I would seize the opportunity to sink in my fangs. It was because I had learned of my paw's powers that I was no longer angry at the giants for taking away my claws. I glanced back at the door to see if I still had a chance to escape, but my opportunity had passed, thanks to these two mongrels.

That same night, it became evident that the rancid beasts were here to stay. I consulted Cami about our dilemma, but she just yawned fell back asleep. The nerve of her! Our kingdom was being overrun by these two moronic beasts and she would rather sleep! I was going to have to deal with this all by myself.

I took to my thinking spot at the window to figure out a way to convince my giants to get rid of the hairy beasts. The female giant was passing by and I saw her hand coming towards me to pet me. Normally, I would extend my back and let her run her hand a few times. But at this moment she was disturbing my concentration. I wasn't about to leave my spot just to elude her hand, so I did what I knew best. I took her hand between my paws and bit. "Not now, Giant, can't you see I'm thinking!" That did the trick.

Down the hall I could hear the male giant raising his voice to the less intelligent monster. I listened in. From what I heard, the male giant wasn't very fond of the monstrous beasts either. Curiosity got the best of me and I hopped off to go see what the commotion was about.

"Oh, my jingle bells! You truly are uncivilized!" I yelled at the beast. I was shocked at the scene of the crime that lay before me. It went poo right on the carpet! Surely they knew how to use a litter box! I was disgusted to say the least.

A few days came and went. I had finally come to terms with the heartbreaking fact that my kingdom was infested and there was nothing I could do to be rid of the pests. So I decided to lay down some ground rules to the unruly beasts. The first one I approached was the less intelligent one. I still could not stand to be near it for longer than I needed to, what with it's ugly face and breath worse than my litter box, so I decided I was going to get this meeting over with quickly.

"Listen, you. You need to understand that this is MY palace and you will do as I say, when I say it. You will stay out of..."

"I'm Ollie! Let's play!" It rudely interrupted me and landed one of it's filthy paws on my head.

I was so startled that I ran to the nearest place I cold to take shelter from any more physical contact; under the giant's bed. The mongrel couldn't fit under there, but nonetheless it was reaching it's paws in trying to get me. Once again, I had to use my magical paws. I grabbed his filthy paw and sank my fangs into it. Big mistake!

"Oh that's so rancid! I'm surely infected with something now! Giant, you must take me to get emergency medical care before I perish, or even worse, turn into one of them!" The male giant heard me and scared the foul beast away, but he ignored my plea. Fine. I'll just cough up as many of the hideous beast's germs as I can in a hairball and leave it here for you. Merry Christmas, giants.

There was no way I was going to be able to talk to that beast again without the incident repeating itself, so I would attempt to talk to the one with seemingly little more intelligence. After I lay my rules out for him, he just turned and walked away from me. For his sake, he better comply. At least it had no interest in trying to play with me.

A few weeks passed, and for the most part the beasts had learned the rules. The one that liked to run around repeating "I'm Ollie" would break the rules sometimes, but I was getting used to reminding him who was boss in this kingdom. Life was settling back down.

Then it happened again.

"Squawk! Pretty bird! Squawk! Hello!" I heard coming from downstairs.

More creatures! This time, birds! Not just any birds, speaking birds! Oh, the horror! My palace would never be quiet again! I made my way downstairs to see the newest pests.

"Wanna dance, Schula? Dance with me Chuckles." The female giant spoke and danced for them. The birds bobbed their heads in rhythm with her and she rewarded them with food.

I was rather perplexed at the sight. "Bird brains. At least they won't bother me upstairs."

What started off as a peaceful kingdom of two tall giants, one tiny giant, my lazy sister and I, was now a zoo. And there was nothing I could do to change that. I was thankful, at least, that the giants hadn't brought in another cat. Had they tried, It would have meant war and I would have unleashed the full force of my magical paws.

I was beginning to miss the female giant's attention. The zoo animals were consuming it all. At the end of the day while she was again mesmerized by the moving pictures box, I decided to regain my spot on her lap. I had found that one of the beasts was already there, but that problem was an easy fix.

"Giant, I require your affection." I said as I slowly crawled up onto her shoulder, then slid down with my paws stretched out in front of me. I pushed that rancid beast away with my magical paws. It knew to do as I commanded and disappeared off into some dark corner of the room. The giant didn't need to be reminded of her duties and began petting me without command.

"Oh, Oreo you silly cat. I love you."

Yes, I'm king of the castle.

(For Helen. In memory of our monochromatic friend, Oreo.)