methamphetamine

JESSE, 4 YEARS AGO

         "So, how does it feel to be fifteen man?" My dad asked me, putting his arm around my shoulders, we were sitting on the roof of the trailer, we'd only come up her twice before, and each time we'd had amazing talks, I knew this was going to be good. It had to be.
"I don't know yet. I've only been fifteen for like, a day, I think I need time to adjust.. Ask me in a week." He chuckled.
"So, I know you smoke weed little dude."
"W-what.." This isn't at all, what I was expecting.
"It's ok."
"How do you know..?"
"You're brother."
"Snitch. I'm gonna kick the shit outta him."
"No, you don't need to do that, he was only doin' it cause he cares."
"Sure, cause he cares."
"Mhm. And so do I. I care 'bout what you want, and what you tryin' and who you tryin' it with. Now, I also know you been tryin' other stuff too."
"Whatta rat!" I wanted to storm off the roof right now break his neck, but I also wanted to get through this talk and see what he wanted to say. I'd give it ten more minutes, if it wasn't what I wanted or hoped, I'd leave, and go beat up the little rat.
"I wanna know you be tryin' safe stuff, and with safe people.." He pulled out a little baggy, a razor blade, and a little mirror from his pocket. "You gotta bill right?" I nodded, I had a couple, from my birthday. What the hell was he doing? I knew he did some stuff sometimes, but in front of me, while we're talking? He chopped his shit up, we both sat there in silence as I watched him.
Finally, "what the hell is that..?"
"Meth." I wanted to faint, I was gonna try it with my friends on the weekend. Now I'd know what to expect. I'd be set.
"And you're gonna do this with me?|
"Yup."
"Why?"
"Cause, I know you'll be safe with me, and I knew you were gonna try it." That was the first time I'd ever done meth.

MAGGIE, 6 MONTHS AGO

         "It's a beautiful day today, isn't it?" Trevor rolled onto his side, kissed my cheek. It was a beautiful day, the sky was a perfect blue, not a cloud anywhere, hot, but not too hot.
"It really is.." I sighed, inhaling the sun, opening my eyes and letting its rays burn them. I had to blink, look at Trevor, I could feel his eyes on me. "What're you lookin' at?" I smirked.
"Something amazing." He grinned, rubbed my cheek. "Your parents would go berzerk if they saw us."
"Well, that's why they aren't going to see us."
"We aren't being very sneaky. Anybody could see us.." That was true, we were laying in the short green grass, absorbing the sun, near the pool, on a giant zebra print blanket. Th decks to the nearby houses overlooked my yard and you could see us perfectly, any number of these nosy neighbours could tell my over concerned parents.
"That's half the fun." I whispered in his ear, then smiled and stood up. "Ok, let's go out then."
"I think you need a shirt." I looked down and shrugged.
"It's summer, I'm in a bikini. Do you want me to dress in a parka?" 
"I want you to not look like a slut."
"Excuse me? I don't think I want to go out any more, I'm gonna stay home, you can go meet up with Tim or something." He shrugged, "that's all you have to say? Just a shrug?"
"What'd you want me to say?"
"That you're sorry? You didn't mean it? I'm not a slut?" Why would he say that? We were having a perfect day. The first perfect day in a long time,with no fights. And now this.
"You don't like when I lie."
"What the hell is wrong with you? You've been a real big dick lately- you know what? No, I don't want to fight, we were having a great day, and you ruined it. Again. So now, just go. Please, just go." I could see in his eyes some of the old Trevor, the Trevor he had been four months ago. But he shut them slowly, then turned, and left. Once he had gone I ripped myself out of my shorts, and flopped into the pool. I exhaled and sunk the the bottom. I held onto the edges, and held myself down until I thought I might pass out, then released and pushed myself to the top. A car door slammed and I heard the heals of shoes clacking furiously towards me, was it already four? Good thing Trevor was gone.
"Maggie.." Ugh. It wasn't four yet.. She was here to bitch me out. I ignored her. "Maggie! Maggie god damn it answer me now!" I swam to the side of the pool, lifted myself out and sat on the edge, then looked at her.
"What."
She clicked over to me, "what the hell do you think you're doing with Trevor? Your father and I told you to stay away from him, he's trouble, and you know it. You just want to be bad. That's it, isn't it? You want to be bad, well honey, you-"
"Shut up, just shut. up. You have no idea what you're talking about. You met Trevor, what, once? You cannot judge him, you have nothing to judge him by, you don't know him, you haven't given him the opportunity to get to know him. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Maggie! Trevor. Is not. A. Good. Kid. How many other ways do I need to say it? Do I need to fucking spell it out to you?"
"How the fuck is he 'not a good kid' what proof do you have? He's not a bad kid. He's got one tattoo, what a bad ass, so do I-"
"You, have a tattoo? No, you know what, that's not important right now, we'll talk about that later. You really, know nothing about your stupid little boyfriend do you?" I was standing now, the water was dripping off of me, onto the ground. I was getting so angry, I needed  cigarette. One of the things my mother doesn't know about me. I glanced at the zebra blanket, Trevor's smokes were laying on the corner. I didn't need her looking over there. I liked my secrets. This house was too yuppie. My dad owned a stupid car garage business, with a big hunk of property just outside of town. There's a huge barn on property with three horses, one of which is mine, or was mine when my family was still a family, there's a house out there as well, where we used to go for little mini vacations. The barn and horses didn't make sense to me, but dad insisted it would keep us together, and makes us do family activities. Those all ended when daddy started expanding the business, and new people started to work for him. He hired a really pretty red haired woman, named Gretchen, almost four years ago, and started screwing her, so mom decided to put herself out there. She went and got a corporate job, and found herself a corporate boyfriend, who liked to party. I found a baggy of white powder one day, she said it was dad's, but Gretchen wasn't that kind of person, she was earthy and calm, she tamed him. Alex, mommy's boyfriend, was skeevy, and liked to drink and do stupid things, which made her want to do them too. I let it go, but I still think it was hers. Anyway, we came in to quite a bit of money, and they've embraced it with open arms. Moved us ocean front, huge house, six bedrooms, five and half bath. Four car garage. Very ostentatious. My favourite parts of the house were the pool, the library, and my room. I hid away in them, constantly. I wish I was in my room now.
"What, are you talking about?" I glared at her, went for my shorts and slipped them on.
"His drug problem." Drug problem? Was she crazy?
"Let's talk about your fucking drug problem." I snarled, then spun on my heal, the cement burning my foot and took off for the zebra blanket. Thankfully there was a lighter beside the pack, I scooped them up and ran for the back gate. The sand felt so warm and nice on my feet, I kept racing down the beach, to the dock. I didn't bother to grab shoes, so I'd just stick to the sand. I was far away from the house, even if she exited the back yard she wouldn't be able to see me. I lit a smoke and instantly felt better. My phone buzzed in my pocket. Shit! I forgot I had my phone, it was probably soaked. I flopped myself backwards into the sand so I could reach into my tight shorts then ripped it out of my pocket. Thankfully, it was alright.
          1 new message from; Trevor
                   babe im sorry i was bein a dick earlier, i really didnt mean to be.. can we meet up later?
He pisses me off so much, I puffed angrily away at my smoke staring at the waves. But he was so cute, and he was apologizing..
                   It's ok baby, can you meet up now? I have your smokes and your lighter I'm at the dock.
I flicked my smoke away then decided one was not enough, and didn't calm me down sufficiently, and pulled out another one with my teeth, lit it, shielding it from the wind with my hand. Footsteps crept up behind me, then hands grabbed my shoulders pulling me back. I screamed, and my cigarette went flying. It was Trevor.
"You scared the shit out of me!" I squealed hopping up and wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him softly, pulled him closer. "How'd you get here so fast?"
"I was already here, Tim was here." I nodded and hugged him one last time.
"I smoked two of your smokes, sorry." He kissed my forehead then grabbed my hand and started walking along the beach.
"It's fine, I'm honestly, so sorry I was such a dick earlier, I was just grumpy, you aren't a slut. I'm so happy you put up with my grumpy bullshit all of the time, and still forgive me afterwards, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." His eyes looked like the old Trevor again, and my heart swelled.
"Why do you do this?" I whispered. "You've changed so much. Then you become you for a second every now and again. Why do you do this?" I moaned, glancing to our feet.
"Well, babe, I don't know what to say, I haven't changed that much-"
"Someone said.. that you have a dug problem Trevor.. I-is that true?" I squeezed his hand, "don't lie to me. Just tell me the truth, and I won't be mad."
"That's a big load of shit and you know it." We stopped walking, we were standing by the water and he was gripping both of my hands, the Trevor I knew was gone, and this new alien was back in his place. He kept trying to look at my face, but I just stared at the ground. "Yes. Yes, I do drugs sometimes."
I looked up, "what kind of drugs."
"Cocaine, mostly, I've done meth one or two times."
"How often do you do them?"
"Oh, Mags, I dunno, a lot ok.. I-I'm sorry babe.." I dropped his hands and took a step back.
"Just tell me how often dude."
"Don't call me dude. Like, almost everyday."
"That's why you're being such a dick. Isn't it. Every fucking day? Do you know how much it's going to change you? I thought you were getting skinnier, and you're getting depressed an-"
"Shut up. You said you weren't going to get mad-"
"You shut up! How the fuck am I not going to get mad you fucking idiot! I love you,and you're fucking around doing this shit-" He grabbed my shoulders and shook me backwards. This part of the beach was surprisingly empty. No one was around to see. No one could objectify, or get angry, or come help.
His fingers were pressing into my shoulders, leaving bruises. "Shut. Up. You have no idea what you're talk-"
"Trevor!" I screamed, wriggling under the pressure. I threw myself to the ground, slipping through his fingers, then crawled backwards immediately, getting away from him. "You're high right now. Aren't you?" He nodded.
"I can't believe I just did that.. Baby.." He flopped to his knees, started crawling towards me. "I'm so so sorry, I will never do that again." I stood up and looked down at him, "fuck you." Then walked away.
         I stalked into the house, up the pale wooden staircase, down the red hallway to my room. I flopped on the bed rolled over onto my back and stared up at the galaxy on the ceiling of my deep purple room. Trevor and I had put up the stars and moons all over the ceiling 3 months ago, when he was still slightly him, he was over while my parents were at work. We went to the mall, bought a polaroid camera and film, the dollar store to get junk food, and then Target to get the biggest pack of glow in the dark galaxy stickers we could find. Once we got back to the house we he rolled some joints, we got high applied the stickers, then turned on every light in the room, added lamps then went outside and had a smoke.
"Hey, guess what Maggie?" He was looking at me, grinning from ear to ear.
I took a puff of my smoke, "what?" I couldn't help but smile back.
"I think I love you." His grin disappeared and now all I wanted to do was kiss him. He made my heart melt, every time he opened his mouth, or looked at me, he just melted my heart.
"I love you too." His grin returned and his lips were instantly attached to mine. We took a billion pictures outside in the yard, at the beach, then finally came back and went to our outer space, took a few pictures there, then laid in the unnecessary king sized bed, admired the ceiling. A tear slipped down my face thinking I may not get to call him mine soon. I wasn't going to stick around and watch him destroy his life. I thought I should tell him that. Let him know, maybe give him a scare. I rolled off of the bed and crawled across the room to where the laptop was plugged in to, I sat on the floor and logged into Facebook. There was a picture of him and his stupid ''bro'' Tim with their arms around each other, they were both sweaty and their pupils looked terrible, the description: hiGh fer dayss weeoo God, he was stupid, I hated Tim. I was just going to shut off the laptop and toss it aside when I got a message from Trevor saying he was sorry, and that he wouldn't do it again.
I was fuming as I typed my words, typing too fast for my fingers to catch up, my eyes not noticing or caring about the spelling mistakes.          you say that every fucking time trevor. i dont knwo how much more i can take of this,im not goign to sit here and watch you ruin your life.. I slammed the laptop shut, then started pacing my room.
"Maggie! Time for dinner." My dad screamed up the stairs. I checked my eyes in the mirror before going down to avoid questions then sauntered out of my room. My brother Logan and sister Sam were already at the table.
"Hey losers." I smiled sitting down beside them. Logan smirked, Sam rolled her eyes.
I scooped a big spoonful of potatoes onto my plate then smothered them with gravy, took one big bite, then buttered a bun, and added salad and lasagne to the mixture. I got halfway through my dinner.
"So," my father started, "I hear you have a tattoo."
"Where'd you hear that from?" Two more bites of lasagne, bite of my bun, sip of iced tea.
"What'd you think?"
"I think many things. One, I think you people should mind your own business, it's my body not anyone else's, and two I think if you get mad about my tattoo, you'd be a real big hypocrite, because you got yours at like fourteen, and I'm seventeen, so-"
"How are you so rude?" My mother snapped.
"You don't even get to talk," I threw my fork down onto my plate, Logan and Sam looked slightly scared, "I still haven't forgiven you from earlier-"
"Forgiven? Ha, it does't matter if you forgive me, what I say is what goes, I am the mother, and you are the child so-"
"Shut up, just shut up. Hmm, wow deja vu. I don't care if you don't like Trevor, do you understand that? "
"Do you not understand what I told you?" She hissed grabbing me by the wrist and pulling me into the kitchen.
"Yeah. I do, we're mature, and love each other and worked past it." Big fat lie. I was pissed, but I was not about to let the enemy know that. I didn't want to deal with this any more, all this house is, is one big argument, all the time.I turned around leaving her talking to herself, into the dining room, kissed my siblings on the head then walked out of the house, ignoring their yells.
         Eventually, I wound up at the office, and wandered out to the barn to see
       

JESSE, NOW

         I woke up, not wanting to get up. The sun was peeking through the ragged curtains in my room, if you could call it that. Some guy I didn't know was passed out on the floor in the corner, every so often he'd inhale like he was choking, then go back to snoring again. He was starting to bald, even though he didn't look that old, his face had scabs, and his arms had bruises, typical for my my house. The collar of his shirt had what looked like dried blood on it; Hopefully his. He choked again then slid down the wall, exposing the belt and the needle behind him; Again, hopefully his own. There were petite feet sticking out of my closet, a girls, they twitched, and rubbed together, showing off their chipped, sparkly gold nail polish. Her legs had track marks all the way up them, they looked terrible. There were a couple of other people there, but these were the only two that caught my attention this morning. I threw my blankets off, pulled my shirt on then made my way to the bathroom. After relieving myself, my stomach made it clear it wanted to be full, but that would have to wait till I came into money.
"Yo.. Mom?" I called out, thinking my yell would be returned with silence.
"In my room baby!" Weird. I stepped over the bodies, and the garbage until I made it to her room, she was in the bathroom, brushing her greasy hair, I swear I hadn't seen her brush it for at least three months.
"What's the occasion?"
"I  got a job interview." She was all smiles.
"How the fuck did you get a job interview?"
"Excuse me? I look good." Some of her teeth had already fallen out, her skin was almost always clamy, and her hair was always a mess. Track marks covered the back of her legs too.
"Sure. Why do you have a job interview? I thought dad could cover the bills."
"He can, but he can't cover the essentials."
"Like food?"
"You know, if you don't like the food situation, feel free to leave." She gestured for the door. Believe me, I've thought about it. But I needed a job first, I couldn't have a job right now. I'd waste my money on glass. Just like my mom would.
"You know, I might just do that." I didn't even think about ti, the words just came out of my mouth. Why did I say that? Now I might have to find a new place to live. I turned to leave. "Might wanna try on some tights." I called, going back to the bathroom to brush my own hair.