Rubber Bands

Rubber bands

I don’t even know what ‘okay’ looks like anymore.
Everything is difficult, everything’s a chore.

Snap.

I wish I knew what to do, how to make myself cope,
There’s no quick fix, no off-switch.
Theoretically, it’s only temporary, yet I don’t dare hope.

Snap.

It’s pathetic really, maybe I’ve already quit.
“I can’t do it.”
Words that hack at my resolve each time, but claim so much more strength to admit.

Snap.

You know, I’ve never cried because I wanted to go to school before.
I crave normalcy so desperately it hurts, but in the end, I want to want to live so much more.

Snap.

Reminding yourself what you formerly liked is always disconcerting.
Strip it back to the basics, don’t assume.
Consider it a small victory when you smile on a day that would’ve otherwise meant nothing.

Snap.

Weary… guilty… angry… gloomy…Emotions that are simply crushing.
“Don’t do this to yourself.”
My new mantra for those mornings when I hate myself just for breathing.

Snap.

Overwhelmed by the most mundane things, headaches I can envisage by the hour.
Proud because I washed my hair, made some tea, talked a little - tried harder.

Snap.

I don’t want to justify myself, and I’m tired of being defensive.
This is it. This is wrong.
And I’m beginning to find everyone else’s reassurances irrationally offensive.

Snap.

There are so many things I should be doing, but I almost can’t care sometimes.
“It’ll be beneficial in the long run.”
I’m sure it is, but, right now, that kind of just sounds like another bullshit line.

Snap.

Red. Blue. Green. Yellow... All these vivid colours that dangle loosely from my wrist,
They’re a reminder of everything I thought, so foolishly, I could just dismiss.

Snap.

Yes, they do look pretty as simple as they are.
A distraction, an unexpected comfort,
Yet also painful - a relief -a bruise but not a scar.

Snap.

These rubber bands I wear, they keep me focused.
“Why the hell are you wearing those?”
I need them, that’s why. I’m broken now, in case you haven’t noticed.

Snap.