I'm so sorry

I thought about never waking up again just sleeping forever. Drifting off peacefully and never having to hurt or be numb again. I thought about writing my suicide letter to my dad but as an email. It would go something like this:
Dear dad,
I’m so sorry for this I know you had high hopes for me. I’m sorry that you will never get to see me become successful. I’m so sorry it taken me so long to finally tell you what’s been going on in my mind. What’s been constantly haunting me; making me feel useless. I’m sorry I couldn’t explain why my grades were dropping. First of all let me say that I felt so ashamed for feeling this way for wanting to badly to just not exist or to never wake up. For feeling like I was drowning in my own mind. Every thought is consuming me; its ripping me to shreds. I’ve tried so hard to reach out for help but it seems like every time I try no one understands and they pass it off as me over reacting or as a phase. So here it goes I’ve been struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm for almost four years now. No one has helped me except for Jamie no one has understood what it’s like to lay in bed all day because getting up feels pointless. No one knows what it’s like to constantly be overwhelmed because there’s a building pressure to be perfect. No one understands what’s its like to curl into yourself at night. Or, to cry so much that you finally succumb to exhaustion. Or to just hide everything with a smile just to avoid the stupid questions of are you okay. When I’ve tried to get help I’m always shot down with an it’s just a phase or that’s stupid. I feel so worthless when I’m compared to other people. I shouldn’t feel that way. So I avoid contact with those people because I know I’ll never be good enough and that I’m just a disappointment. You don’t know what’s its like to have the people that are supposed to be there for you pretend that you don’t have something wrong with you. To have them know that you’ve been cutting but to say that you’ve quit. You don’t understand how hard it is to try and quit. To fight yourself over it and to have to hide It because you weren’t strong enough to refrain from it. I wish I could have had the courage to tell you these things. I wish I could have but I am far too afraid you will react like they did. I want you to know how much I love you though. And I want you know that suicide is never the easy way out. Everyday I’m fighting myself over it. I don’t want to hurt people. Suicide is hard because you are fighting your natural instinct to survive. You drag out the pain so that you won’t disappoint people because you care too much for them. Even though I am nothing and I don’t care for myself I still care for my loved ones. Mental illness is not a joke or a phase; it’s serious and it should be treated as serious. I’m so sorry it took so long for me to say this. I didn’t tell anyone else because I knew how they would react. I’m sorry and I love you. Hopefully you can forgive me even if it takes you a while. I wish I could change it and the child you wanted but I can’t. I’m sorry you have had to put up with me. I’m sorry you have to read this.