Safety: The Beginner’s Guide to a Better

Safety: The Beginner’s Guide to a Better Life

I choose to live my life as safely as possible. This dangerous world we live in is overflowing with hazards and potential death traps like blenders and showers. The importance of using caution to avoid these pitfalls cannot be overemphasized. When I look back on my life in several decades, I will be of grateful that I chose to live in a manner in which I avoided danger and risk.

Every morning, I rise from my sleeping bag as a cascade of sunlight floods my home. I refuse to use beds, for there is far too much potential for me to fall off and crack my skull. I avoid alarms, or any noises above 1 decibel, because if my hearing deteriorates then I may not be able to promptly react to future danger. I walk to the kitchen and prepare my typical breakfast (and lunch and dinner): double-purified water and Pop tarts. And no, I don’t toast them; I’m not dumb enough to own a toaster and risk fileting my fingertips. In fact, I don’t eat any food that needs to be cooked. Can you believe that some people cook their foods in ovens at 450 degrees? That’s four times the temperature of a muggy Arizona summer afternoon! Occasionally I will try an organic low-fat gluten-free grass fed free range corn dog, but that’s only when I’m feeling wild.

After my meal, I venture to the backyard to dig another hole with my plastic shovel. This is where I perform my bathroom business. I read an article about a New York man that had a 3 foot python climb up his pipes and into his toilet. I wouldn’t be caught dead using a toilet. Some of my neighbors complained that the yard has a rather pungent odor, so I strapped on my gas mask and showered the yard in a deluge of Febreeze.

I carefully saunter over to my mailbox, where I check to see if the latest issue of Bomb Shelter Quarterly has arrived. I came to an accord with my mailman that he will open any letters I receive to ensure I will not get a massive paper cut and die from profuse blood hemorrhaging. Thankfully, I have yet to receive a letter, because I have yet to tell someone my real name. You can never be entirely sure that your identity is secure unless you never use it.

The next step in my daily process is going to my job. Travelling by bus, train, motorcycle, car, bicycle, scooter, or walking is obviously not a safe mode of transportation. I once tried to travel to an interview at the local gas station by tricycle, but I inexplicably underestimated the trike’s incredible speed. I nearly died no less than twenty-six times on that sojourn. This is why I work from home, as a risk management consultant.

After work, I always consider exercising. However, exercise presents the perplexing and intimidating task of determining how much water to drink. I better not drink too little, for then I risk death by dehydration. And I wouldn’t dare risk drinking too much, for then I could suffer from hyponatremia. I ultimately decide to skip the exercise, and move straight to dinner. Because I always fail to exercise, I want to ensure I am eating as healthily as possible. Although fruits and vegetables have enormous health benefits, I cannot bring myself to consume such pesticide ridden foods. I opt for the close alternative of corn chips and fruit snacks.

I then nestle onto my comfy sleeping bag at around 6:30 pm, well aware of the horrific effects of sleep deprivation, and excited for the prospects of another adventurous day. I only wish all people could live a life bereft of risk.