What am I

         The rain is cold on my naked skin. The sky is dark and there is a steady torrent bashing my body down. I slowly walk forwards to wherever my bare feet can take me; there are only street lights to guide me as I follow each glowing ball of light towards nothingness. My shirt, like a rag, merely hangs down my shoulders, no longer even resembling the nice white button-down dress shirt it once was, all the buttons are missing and it has been shredded on one half. A brand name tie is draped around my neck, hanging down to my waist as it slowly slips off with every step I take and I don't even notice it. My black dress pants are the only article of clothing left intact, although they are completely soaked, they still resemble the original pants before the blackout.
         I like that it is raining. I hate that it is cold and I hate that it is wet, but I like that it is raining. Before the rain, there was blood everywhere. Half of my white shirt was completely red; I had to tear off half of it as I stumbled away from that place. My shoes were drenched, every step I took produced a squish reminding me of the puddle of blood I was stepping in and so I had to discard them. My pants were also soaked in that filth, but I am a decent man and I was not about to walk around town completely naked. I don't know how this happened, but I promise you, I am not a bad person.
         The worst part of the blackout is the blood that was under my fingernails. All my fingers were stained red with it, and my fingernails were all broken, cracked, and worn, no matter how hard I tried to scrub them, they were stained red. But the rain, the rain was able to wash away the blood. My face was also smeared with blood, particularly around my mouth, and no matter how hard I tried; I could not get the taste of blood out of my mouth. Even now, as I walk aimlessly towards nowhere, I can still taste blood under my tongue. The strangest things it that I'm not bleeding anywhere, I dare not think of what could have happened.
         There is only one thing in my mind and it is a picture, a mental snapshot I took of myself that I fear I will never forget. It was when I looked at myself in the mirror, my face plastered with blood still dripping off my chin, fresh blood seeping out of my fingernails into tiny droplets that eventually run down the length of my finger, and my eyes. I have never seen my eyes like that, filled with such horror, dread, and excitement. I was smiling at myself in the mirror, at the time, I was ecstatic.
         I swear I'm not a bad person, please believe me.


         I stagger my way forward. There is a strange sense of calm around me. No longer is there the perpetual sense of urgency that I had living in New York City. No longer am I worrying about the next big promotion, or where I was on the economic food chain. My mind is blank, a black slate in a background of black lost in a deep void of nothingness. There are no worries in life, nothing but the drive to keep moving forward for no reason but to move forward. I just keep walking towards the next orb of light.
         I no longer even mind the rain. I don't care that I'm freezing, that my bare feet have become cut from walking on the jagged cement, or that my new expensive tie had fallen off a few blocks back, I just walk through the stormy night air going from one ball of light to the next. There is a strange feeling of warmth within me, but I know that my skin is ice cold right now. My mouth involuntarily stretches into a smile. I feel guilty feeling this good, after what I did, this should not be the proper reaction, but I feel great, beyond great, I am euphoric.
         To my left, balls of light whiz past me at incredible speeds, creating what seemed to me like shooting stars. I look at them for a second amazed and astonished before slowly making my way towards them, trying to captivate the wonderment of the lights. I am captivated by the promise of those lights, a world of wonder and fascination, one that is within my grasp. I make my way onto the road before two shooting stars fly by me followed by a wave of water and the receding sound of an engine. I don't even have the reflexes to track these shooting stars, for some reason, I no longer seem to react anymore.
         I slowly turn my head slowly to watch a pair of red lights slowly disappearing over the horizon. I keep walking onto the road, hoping to catch the next pair of shooting stars. Suddenly there is a violent blaring of a horn and a screeching sound, I feel myself getting hit by behind, my legs crumble and my knees violently scrape the pavement. I can feel my flesh tear and my kneecaps bash against the ground, but I am not in pain. There is only a strange sense of calm.
         
         "Oh my god!" A woman screams. "Why were you in the middle of the road?"
         I become perplexed by her question, why am I even here? I try to explain to her about the shooting stars, about the promise of a world of fascination and wonderment, but all I can manage is a low grunt. I look down in surprise, what is going on? One of knees has become shredded, there is only bone and blood, but surprisingly, I can still move my legs. Shakily, I force myself up.
         "Are you okay?" The woman asks.          
         I just stand there, a beam of light warming my back up. I look at the darkness beyond barely illuminated by her headlights, the sight is so beautiful. In my previous life, I would have never appreciated such beauty. But now, strangely enough, this beauty is all that matters.
         "Excuse me sir!" The woman approaches me to inspect me. She pauses and lets out a short breath, "Holy shit. Sir! Your leg! I'm so sorry." She rapidly walks towards me. "You need to sit down."
         I don't hear a word she says, in fact, everything she has been saying seems like a foreign language. I don't know why I can't comprehend her words; she is speaking English after all. She puts her arm around me to slowly lower me to the ground, but I don't move at all. I turn my head to look at her, her eyes widen in surprise. I realize now that my breath smells rancid.
         "Can't you see how beautiful this is?" I want to tell her, but all I do is grunt. She twitches away from me, but my arm hooks onto her back preventing her from going anymore. She looks at me bewildered, too scared to move. I cock my head, who is this creature in front of me? Why can't she see what I see?
         She struggles to back away, but I pull her closer to me. Then, I lean forward and bite her. This happens on instinct, it just seemed like the natural next step to me. My teeth sink into her flesh filling my mouth with warm blood. Is it morally wrong for me to do this? It can't be because it just feels so right. Morality has no qualms with me, it can't, or else this wouldn't feel so natural. I was made to do this.
         The woman screams and pushes me away, I fall down hard. Why did she do that to me? In the background I can hear the squeal of tires as she drives away and two more shooting stars shoot past me. After a while contemplating why she would do that to me I finally get up and start walking again. I walk along the dark road illuminated only by street lamps to the darkness in front of me.
                   
         Then, out of nowhere, I see the most fascinating sight in the world. In the distance is an array of lights and noise, a design of illumination so beautiful that I can't help but stop to appreciate it. I start walking towards it without thinking, it is many miles away, but I know that I'll reach it eventually. It almost feels like I'm walking back to where I've always belonged, my home. It seems to be welcoming me back with open arms, showing me the warm embrace of lights, the unmatched beauty of its design and the promise of a world of wonderment.
         I am going back home.