Kids

My whole life has been devoted to being a mom to Matthew and Eric and I have done my best to be a good mom to them.
Eric is a great kid. He's 17 and works his ass off in North Dakota with his dad. He worked all summer out there and I missed him like crazy the whole time. He goes out there whenever he gets a chance. He has a girlfriend named Sam and she's fantastic. They have been together for more than 3 years now. They break up and get back together - - they're meant to be together I'm sure. Anyway, Eric - - he has a nice truck that he bought with his own money he earned working hard all summer, he is sweet and caring, smart and thoughtful and just a great kid. I couldnt' ask for anything more - although he could work harder on hsi grades...darn kids! He has 4 hours of shop/woods class a day and still struggles with the few academic things he has to get done...he chooses to do this though because he doesn't do homework or ask for help...darn him.
Matthew is a different story. I love him to bits don't get me wrong. He's smart and caring and thoughtful but on his own path. He was signed up to go to college and dropped it. He had an excellent job with my brother in the cities but dropped that. He has made bad choices and spent a lot of time on probation. He crashed his mustang and ended up in Lino 3 separate times and every time, broke my heart. He drinks and smokes pot. He makes no appologies for this and he knows how i feel about it and how Eric feels about it and it is a huge hinderance on our relationship. :( He wants to be a rapper and change the world. He's 18 going on 19 and I am quite frankly very worried about him ALL THE TIME. He did finally go out to ND to work with his dad but says he is only staying there til Christmas and then will come home and do nothing some more (he's spent a few months now doing nothing and it pisses me off honestly). I never raised him to be this way, in fact, quite the contrary. I've worked my ass off to be a teacher, to do what needs to be done and never ever went around expecting things to be handed to me. I worked my whole life so far (except summer/one semester I took off work to student teach)...and have always been very anti-drug, as had he when he was smaller and til he became about a freshman/sophmore in high school and it really breaks my heart.
I love both my kids and will pray always for their happiness and safety and my understanding. Because I have a hard time understanding all the things that mean something for them at all times and I want them to be happy, untlimately, isn't that the goal?