Leah's Boyfriend To Be

Leah’s Boyfriends To Be

Leah was not like you and me
For she wanted a boyfriend to be.
Having been a bridesmaid three times in a row,
She grew angrier, so much so, that she considered to stoop so low
As to murder a girlfriend
To secure her beau!

Every hour of every day
She would lay and complain,
“I want a boyfriend;
I want a spouse
One, perhaps, with a nice house.”

She would not listen to Bitch 1 and Bitch 2’s advice,
That “if you wait and do what’s nice
Good things will come in good time.”

But it was not fate that kept her in wait as
She believed, but her tiresome disposition
Was all because of her shy inhibition,
Which kept her from making this life changing decision.

Indeed, she would call, “Bitch 1 and Bitch 2
Am I the shyest girl you’ve met?”
Daring not to set
A foot out of line, they would in unison comply,
“of course your shy beyond compare.
Whoever is in any doubt
Is certainly a lout!”

“Bitch 1, Bitch 2,” Leah one day yelled.
“I give you my sincere permission
To go on a special mission
To find me a boyfriend to be.”

“But, before you leave,’ she warned,
“here are a list of specifications;
A set of qualifications
To help you search the nations.”

“I do not care if he’s a Dane
So long as he is not plain.
He must be able to cook
And of course have a unique look.
He must be at least 6 foot 2 in height;
And have lots of might;
For I do not want to have to lift a finger
Once I’ve been made a wife,
I shall not have to endure strife.”

So off Bitch 1 and Bitch 2 went
With good cheer and good intent
To find a boyfriend; to find a spouse,
Especially one with a nice house.

No food or water on their quest,
This favour was certainly a test –
They searched high and low for a suitor
All in all for three days – straight up shooter!

The Bitches’ patience would soon be up,
But there was time for one last stop,
So once the poor bitches had recovered
They went to see Old Mother Hubbard.

“Mother Hubbard do you still have unwedded sons?
Well not to worry, we are here,
and have a friend who wants more
Than a toy boy to adore.
She is traditional and shy” –

But before they could continue,
Mother Hubbard said, “Goodbye.
Oh thank you Bitches, but no I’m fine,
I’ve married all my sons online!”

From Leah’s bag there came a sound.
It was a text, from guess who?
Bitch 1 and Bitch two!

Her excitement quickly vanished
As she hastily vowed to have them banished
for their failure
To find her a boyfriend to be;
To find a spouse
With a nice house.

So without any hesitation, this young girl
Went on a quest –
But do not, dear reader, be misled –
Though it may be said
that she went in search for true love
Her qualifications, indeed, those specifications were far above
Fairy-tale regulations.

To the three bear’s cottage she went to first.
“I am sure baby bear has grown since we last met.’
For you see baby bear had a crush on Leah ever since they first met
In kindergarten. But, back then he was far too petite
To be considered Leah’s treat.

“No Leah I’ve given up on that fiction
For now I have a new addiction;
For ever since my Hex-box came
I now prefer a video game.”

So Leah went to Hansel’s hut
For in high-school he secretly admired,
No he desired Leah to be
His girlfriend you see.

But seeing Leah out of school
He realized relationships were uncool.
On closer inspection, Hansel did suspect,
No he did detect,
that wedding bells were
what Leah thought perfect.

“I am sorry but you are mistaken,
I will not be taken
For a groom.
Besides your list of qualifications
Are far above fairy-tale regulations.”

But just as Leah was about to give up all hope
She came up with a plan so dope!
Just like in the movie Shrek,
She thought, “what the heck.
I needn’t follow society’s trek.”

I’ll go to the tallest tower
So that my boyfriend to be can exert his power.
Across the bridge she dared to go,
But along the way she saw three skull heads
Who looked as if they were dead.
But instead of running she stood her ground
And took a good look around
Before yelling, “Get out my way
Or else you’ll pay!”

Surprised at her lack of shyness,
They informed her honestly,
For they did not want to anger her Highness,
That on the contrary to her fairy-tale thoughts;
The guy who comes does not seek bridal showers
But will steal a kiss
From a sleeping mistress.

Ignoring what they said as folly,
She said, “Oh golly,
I am a traditional shy girl, but you see
It is that time of month when emotions run free
So If you do not wish to die
You had better comply
And get the heck out of my way.
Today!”

Finally at the tower gates
She knew that not even the fates
Could stop her from getting a spouse
With a nice house
And one that met all her qualifications
down to the minutest specifications.

So at the top of the tower,
Leah laid down in the grand bed
To rest her weary head.
As she slept, the door was opened.

A man bent down beside her
And gently put his arms around her.
And as he went to give her a kiss,
He found, to his dismay, he missed!

Leah then hissed,
“In case you haven’t noticed
I am a traditional shy girl so you cannot just
kneel down and kiss me on the head
while I lay sleeping in this bed.”

A little confused the man stood up,
And to Leah’s delight
he was six foot two in height
“Your right,” he said, “let’s go on a first date
And then you’ll want to be more than just my mate.”

Off they went for some boating
And before long he had begun boasting,
“I am by far the greatest man alive;
I can dive and drive;
Fly a kite
And body build with all my might;
Basketball, baseball, football, ping-pong
And singing a song
Are just a few of my favourite things.

Despite his hobbies in galore,
Leah found him a real bore!
“I have to ask,” she thought to herself,
“who really cares?”

But the final straw for her was when he
Did not even care
for a tiny mare.

“What do you mean she is not cute?
Can’t you see she is a beaut?”

“Well…”

But before the man could finish what he was saying,
Leah began laying into him,,
“you may be tall
But, Oh my Lady Gaga,
you are a droll!
Who thinks he is as handsome as a doll.
A self-loving fool who thinks the world was made
For you alone.
You are an ego-centric fanatic,
Though I may be pedantic
at least I am not as intolerable as you!”

And with that, off she went.

“So boys prefer a video game
Instead of having a real dame.
They are afraid of matrimony
And do not care for cute things like a pony.”

With a sigh and heavy heart
Leah was about to depart
When she happened to look down into the water
And saw a person truly unique in physique.

By chance it was her own reflection;
She quickly realized she did not need a “boyfriend selection!”
“I can love, hold and cherish myself.
For I don’t need a boyfriend to be or
A spouse with a nice house,
For wealth or health; or for a good laugh.
I’m quite a catch, especially once I’ve had a bath!”

So, in that moment she gave up her
Search for a boyfriend to be
And instead decided
She would be a girlfriend to be:
Full of sophistication and
with a fine education;
Power and self-respect
But above all she would expect
Not those silly list of specifications,
Nor indeed qualifications
Which society thought perfection.

No instead she would be ahead
And would truly rely on her heart
to find her a boyfriend,
and if not, then oh well,
she would not dwell
on a wedding bell
for she had something better:
she had herself.

So dear reader we have come to the end
And hope along with Leah you have learnt
That without her new found self-respect
she could not expect
to find her boyfriend to be
Without first looking first inside thee.


This was originally written as a gift for a friend who was obsessed with finding a boyfriend. However, she was very practical and thought love had nothing to do with finding a partner. She had a list of expectations and if she met a boy who she liked but he was not as tall as she wanted, she would reject him. Please do not judge my friend harshly, since she is a sweet girl, but it is customary in her culture to select a suitor based on practicality. The original composition had pictures and drawings, and the part where Leah looks into the water, there was a mirror stuck to the page. The reader could therefore see themselves.

Note, Mother Hubbard and Baby Bear are taking from well-known nursery rhymes and Bitch 1 and Bitch 2 are based on Dr Suess' Thing 1 and Thing 2 - no copyright intended.