Emotions

Emotions: By Maynika Webb

When I was young, I had emotions beat out of me, not completely. My emotions were on life support and in a coma. It was hard. However, it was the most freeing thing to ever happen to me. You would be amazed by what you can do when you barely feel anything. You can do whatever you want, insults don't hurt and you learn to become a user quickly.
It's straight up awesome. Other people say something different, but it my opinion they're mistaken. It's awesome. But, recently, my emotions were thus back upon me and it's bothersome. I have multiple men in my life, that I date. Well, had, now I'm down to an unacceptable number.
These men, they're getting me. They're under my skin, and I want to rip off my skin and expose them and watch them fry. Considering they're only men and not some deep seen issue of the human condition. I am ashamed of myself. Shame is an emotion I use to never feel. Having no shame is awesome.
People may have thought I was guarded, damaged or broken. There has never been a wall to guard me. I am grown and unbroken. These people seem like they will never fully understand. That's alright, maybe some shouldn't understand. It keeps things interesting.
Back to the men. Men, are never actually men it seems. They're human, sadly.
They say things they only mean at the moment and discard later. They dismiss you for trivial things. At they're core they seem to be only primordial ooze.
Which was an interesting discovery. I like to poke them. By poking them, I mean being totally honest or totally withholding. Which by they way, I still play these cards of honestly and withholding. But, now, unfortunately I am effected by my plays.
The event that woke my emotions out of the coma was when I fell in love. Cliche, I know. I fell for the love of my life and my emotions haven't been in check since. I'll have them calm down at times and they'll flare up. Of course, at the worse possible times.
It's as if they're out to get me. Like Karma awoke them and told me it was time to pay up for the fun. I was shackled by these touch-less, tasteless, and odorless things. Then forced to drag their weight along with me for the rest of my life.
My love left me, which was apparently the next logical step caused by these emotions that bound me. I healed my gaping wound over time, there are still soft spots. I moved on and my emotions fucked me over again. I went psychotic bitch, I wasn't myself. I was locked in a box in my head, unable to control myself.
Then the string of men happened, one after another came and went. All leaving bruises or wounds from their sweet nothings or their spiritual challenges. Which lead me to the breaking point. It has lead to thoughts of building that infamous wall, which I toy with to this day. Or drying myself out and hoping that kills the men that live under my skin. To become jerky drying to be later enjoyed by others as a tasty treat.
Or to find a solution to kill my emotions for all of time. To live how I once lived, to have that freedom again. But, part of my knows that will never happen. It seems, once you're in, you're in. That saddens me.