Dances, fangs and fearless killers

Vampire movies have been around a long time. Almost as long as there have been vampires, it seems. Well… as long as there have been movies at least, which is still a fair while if you think about it.

In that time, Vampires themselves have changed a bit. Once upon a time Vampires were rat faced agents of evil and death, set upon feeding from the living and turning them into vampires themselves. As time went on, movie vampires reached a kind of golden age of respectability, they got to dress nicely, own big scary castles and they had manners.  Make no mistake, they were still as evil as buggery but they would “Bid you  welcome,” and “to leave some of the happiness you bring”. A little bit of manners costs nothing and it makes a big difference. You modern vampires could learn a thing or two.

But time marches on, even if you are immortal. Times change. Male vampires all turned into Christopher Lee, or Peter Cushing once or twice. They were routinely chased by Peter Cushing, or Christopher  Lee, once or twice. Female vampires, well a couple of things stand out about female vampires in this period. Their boobs!  In the late 1960s and early 1970s, female vampires became a whole lot less wholesome and a lot more buxom. And blonde. And they often had twin sisters, who were often also blonde.

It was a true golden age.

But, times change and vampires change with it. Vampires, male and female became less sexy and more nasty. In movies like Fright Night (1985), the way cool Lost Boys (1987) and the less funny Near Dark (also 1987), vampires became less sophisticated and much more predatory. A bit like the 1980s themselves.

But times change and vampires change with them. Today, vampires are all shiny and as scary as a puppy. In fact, I don’t know for sure which of them in those awful Twilight movies was the vampire. Kristen “Sourpuss” Stewart was way scarier than Edward Whogivesashitwhathisnameis (pretty sure that’s it). Even worse than us tolerating glittery, campy vampires, we even make excuses for them now. In the cool little Canadian movie, Suck (2009), Jennifer, the bass player in a sucky band is turned into a vampire. Whenever she is caught by a fellow band member drinking human blood she exclaims “It’s not my fault. I have a problem.” Great little show, check it out.

Skip back a few years now.

Nineteen sixty seven was a big year. We had the Vietnam war, Sgt Pepper’s Lonely hearts club band  and The Arrangement, by Elia Kazan. We also had The Fearless Vampire Killers. Originally titled Dance of the vampires, this odd little number was also released in the USA as Pardon me, but your fangs are in my neck. That should tell you something about the movie we are about to look at.

This movie was written by, directed by and stars Roman Polanski. Lets quickly get out the hate out before we go any further, after all, we somehow managed for forgive Michael Jackson didn’t we?

This movie came before Polanski’s significant movies, Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and Chinatown (1974) in which he is credited as man with knife, and slices Jack Nicholson’s nose off. It shows.

You know you are in for something when the MGM Lion morphs into a comically animated vampire, complete with dripping fangs and ominous, creepy music. But I’ll let the reader be the judge of exactly what that something is…

The basic story is that of Alfred (Polanski), who is the loyal assistant of Professor Abronsius (Jack McGowran), better known to  colleagues at Konigzberg University as “The nut”! Together they travel across Europe, attempting to find and destroy vampires, without any luck.

That is until they arrive at a tiny Transylvanian village, frozen and near death. Once revived, the professor (who looks like a sober but nonetheless  manic Mark Twain) notices  garlic hanging all about the tiny inn, a telltale sign that vampires are nearby. Alfred however, notices Sarah, the dead set bloody gorgeous daughter of Shagal, the lecherous innkeeper. Sarah (Sharon Tate, wife of Polanski, who would become much more famous as a victim of Charle Manson’s murderous cult) is as coquettish  as she is beautiful,  and teases Alfred “One should do it at least once a day. It’s good for your health.” Sadly she’s only talking about having a bath.  God she’s hot, and obviously not English.

While they are staying at the inn, good old Shagal (Alfie  Bass, whom I recall seeing him camp it up on Are you being served) is a good old Jewish stereotype, greedy and lecherous. During the night the old bugger pays the young blonde barmaid a visit and narrowly avoids getting busted by his equally stereotypical wife.

Most importantly to the plot, the incredibly hot Sarah is having a nice hot bath when she notices snowflakes drifting softly down. She is all “aaw this is pretty neat” til she looks up and see the terrifying and slightly uncomfortable sight of Count Von Krolok (Ferdy Mayne, who was shot by Richard Burton in Where Eagles Dare) half climbing, half falling, half descending menacingly down, fangs bared. Seriously, he looks as though he is trying not to fall and break his undead neck.

Shagal, incensed that his hot, hot, hot daughter would be kidnapped by a vampire, eats a bunch of garlic and rushes out to rescue her. When they bring him back the next day all frozen and covered with fang marks, there is a whole lot “OY OY OYing” going on, our fearless vampire hunters realize that have finally found the vampires they have been seeking. Realising they have to act fast, Alfred and the professor prepare to hammer a wooden stake through Shagal’s heart, only to find that he has already returned to life as a vampire.  A sixties style comedy chase takes place through the inn, during which the professor stakes a barrel of wine, leaving the hiding Shagal crying over spilled money. Shagal escapes and visits his pretty blonde barmaid again, when the terrified girl holds out her crucifix, his faces breaks into a hideous grin “Oyoyoy, have you got the wrong vampire.”

Alfred and the professor head for the nearest spooky castle (Is there ever a nice bright, airy castle?) and immediately get locked in the crypt by the hunchback servant. When night falls, they are ushered into the presence of the count himself. Count Von Krolok has an extensive library and had actually read the Professor’s book. As a  true academic and publicity whore, Professor Abronsious can’t help himself  and launches into a synopsis of his newest book. Impressed, the count offers them the full run of his library and castle and invites them to stay. By invite them to stay, I mean takes them prisoner.

As the pair of intrepid vampire hunters explore their new home, hoping to rescue the fair, ravishing, superhot Sarah, Alfred comes across Herbert, Von Krolok’s gay vampire son (Iain Quarrier, hasn’t been in anything since 1968.) This must be a comfort to Edward whateverthehellhisnameis to know that he isn’t the only gay vampire in the village. Herbert takes a liking to young fresh faced Alfred and puts the moves on him. Alfred is unimpressed and does the bolt. Perhaps poor Herbert should have sparkled a bit.

More slapsticky hi jinks ensue as the professor and his assistant  play cat and mouse with the count and his  smitten son,  which become a little more pointed when they discover that their hosts are actual vampires.

When they try to break into the crypt, the professor gets stuck in a very vulnerable position, half in the window. In order to get him unstuck, Alfred goes off and has a near miss with Herbert and discovers the gloriously beautiful Sarah, who seems quite happy as a guest of the count, after all she can have as many baths as she likes… and we don’t mind a bit. She informs him that she is the guest of honour at the ball that very night.

This is where the plot thickens, however. The Count catches up with them, informs them that tonight is a special night and locks them out on the battlements to freeze. While they are out there, the pair notice that the graves below them are opening up and vampires of all ages and states of fashion are climbing out and coming into the castle…

In the huge, once opulent but now just a bit threadbare ballroom, Count Von Krolok stands before generations of his family vampires. Don’t ask me how vampires have vampires as anscestors, I am not sure of the mechanics of reproduction. Well, I am fairly well up on the basic mechanics of reproduction, courtesy of the internet. I was referring to vampire reproduction. Apart from biting that is. I get that bit.

Anyway, Count Von Krolok announces that the family ball this year is a special event. He then unveils the stunning Sarah all hypnotized  and ready to be dinner.

Out on the battlements, the prof has the great idea of turning an old cannon around and blasting their way back in. Great idea, but where’s the gun powder to make it go bang? I had a whole thing set up here about making gunpowder using charcoal and sulphur and one’s own piddle  it was clever, a little off colour and scientifically accurate.

However, watching this movie for the hundredth time (slight exaggeration), I noticed that the prof. had thought about this as well and was all over it like tats on a Collingwood player. The cunning old bugger stuffs the cannon full of snow before putting the cannoball in. Then he busts up wood and such then lights it all with a lantern. The fire heats up the snow, making it melt… then the water boils and the pressure builds up 'til… KABOOM! Of course you would have to heat the snow at an incredibly fast rate to build that kind of pressure, but you have to give the old bugger points the initiative.

The ball has begun by the time Alfred and The prof. arrive to save the mind rendingly attractive Sarah, disguised as musty old vampires. They join in a very old timey dance  before they are able to rescue Sarah ( did I mention, that shes mildly attractive?). As they dance their way toward the door, we get to see possibly the coolest shot of the entire movie. We find ourselves looking at the heroes from behind and slightly above the vampires. They are standing in front of a big mirror… and despite the fact that we can see a whole coffinful of vampires in the shot, only Alfred, the Prof. and Sarah (hubba hubba) are visible in its reflection. This little revelation brings the party to stop quicker than a polly waffle in the pool.

Our fearless vampire hunters do the bolt double quick, pursued by a howling pack of out of style bloodsuckers. Ingeniously, they use a pair of comedically giant swords (though those huge flamberge swords are historically accurate) to form a giant cross, which holds their pursuers at bay long enough for them to make their escape.

Or do they?

As they drive off in their stolen sled, the blazing hot Sarah becomes a little cold blooded… She bares her fangs and gives Alfred a bit of a fangy love bite. The movie closes with the suitably grave narrator tells us that the professor unwittingly unleashes the curse of vampires on the world, the end!

This movie was nominated for one award.  “Best DVD release for 2005, by the Academy of science fiction and horror films, USA. It didn’t win.  Looking at it for the hundredth time, it is kind of obvious why it never got any gongs back in 1967, its not that great a movie. Mind you, it’s not that bad a movie either, and that is probably what’s wrong with it. Polanski himself knew the jig was up when the movie was marketed under the title “Pardon me, but your fangs are in my neck”. He unsuccessfully  sued the studio to have his name removed from the credits.

A lot of the movie is dated. A lot of the comedy is based on stereotypes, which I have to admit, I still found funny. That is probably more a reflection on me than the comedy. The music was suitably creepy and “gothicky” and the fact that there was very little in the way of bright colours in the sets and costumes fitted the mood nicely.

There was however, one stand out scene. I mentioned it earlier in my run down of the story. The shot in which we see our heroes in a room full of vampires, but alone in the mirror looked brilliant and it still holds up well over 40 years later. It’s a shame the rest of the movie can’t quite make the same claim.

As a result, The Fearless Vampire Killers earns itself a rating of 3 half chewed garlic bulbs out of 5. Its not the best vampire movie ever made, but it certainly isn’t the worst, that would be that one with Edward Whogivesatosswhathisnameis.