The TG Witch

The TG Witch

Deep in the town
Of Coopersville
Lived a wicked warlock
Who was truly e-vil.

He cast spells on men
And women too
Sometimes a dog or cat
Or inside a chicken coop

Spells to make people's hair grow
At a frightening rate
To turn people into cows
And make everyone irate

He'd cause mischief and mayhem
And then he would laugh
As he used his magic
To cause a bloodbath

And the people put up with this
For forty years
Living in silence
Running from the source of their fears

Until one man, named Bill,
Said "Enough, I'm through
"This man has turned us into cowards
"There must be something we can do"

Then Jim shouted
"You know what I've heard
"From my cousin Maurice
"Who lives out in Kitchabird?

"There's this witch wandering round
"Who, for a price
"Casts spells on nasty people"
"Like giving them head lice?"
"Or turning them into mice?"
"Or making them marry my wife?"

And when the crowd had settled,
And the matter decided
A note was sent out
And Jim was set to write it

And he wrote, "To the dear witch of Kitchabird,
"We have need of your services
"For we are plagued by a warlock
"Who occasionally murders us"

"He is nasty and awful
"And powerful too
"So we were hoping
"There might be something you could do."

"We hear you are kind
"And we'd be willing to pay
"If you'd pop in
"And fight this man some day."

And the note was signed and sent
To the witch in Kitchabird
Where she received it
And read every word.

Now this witch was like no other
That you might have seen.
Though she had messy black hair,
And skin a sickly green.

Her cloak and hat were bright pink
Instead of black
And though she knew many spells
Deadly ones she did lack.

Though she dabbled in alchemy
And illusion was her flirtation
Most of her spells
Dealt with transformation.

But she was moved by this story
And the people's horrid plight
And this note
Moved her to fight.

So she packed quickly
And sailed off on her broom
Which she sailed past the stars
And beyond the moon

To poor Coopersville
Where she did land
Spell book ready
And wand in hand

She quickly found the warlock
Whose name happened to be Boris
And when he turned to face her
He cried, "What is this?"

"A poor little witch
"Seems to have lost her way
"Shoo, Shoo, Scat
"I won't kill you today
"Especially not if your willing to play."

Horribly offended,
The witch cast her first spell
"Obree cratellum
"Atumbell!"

And before their eyes,
The warlock started to change
His hair grew long
His face became feminely strange.

His chest grew out
His waist shrank
His hips grew wide
And he no longer stank.

And where once stood a warlock
Who had been most foreboding
Now stood a young woman
As pretty as the morning

But this was not the only humiliation
For poor Boris
When he tried to cast a spell
His magic was no more... ess.

And off Boris was taken
To live forever
In a brothel
So everyone else's life would be better.

"And now", said the witch
"I'll take my recompense
"And declare Coopersville
"My permanent residence."

And the town was happy
Perfectly this had gone
They had gained a magical guardian
And Boris had lost his schlong.

But the victory was not long lasting
For the people of the town
For it appeared to the witch
That crime was all around.

Jaywalkers and litters
And those who made any minor infraction
Soon found themselves facing
A manhood extraction

But it wasn't just men,
Who face the witch
Women were turned into men, animals
Some even into a bitch (female dog)

Boys to girls
And women to men
Over and over
Again and again

So if you go wandering
Through Coopersville town
Be careful what you do
As you wander around

For any tiny mistake
Any unanswerable twitch
Could have you facing the wrath
Of the TG witch!