A view of Hell - A True story

Why in the hell should I keep on writing. I did use to love it. Now, a chore. I haven't had a spark of creativity since "Mark of the fallen: Vol I." And even then I haven't added to it. The story is still in my head but it's not on computer paper? I don't know what I would call it. Digital format , a file? Irrelevant. The scrollbar on the side of the screen has a mind of it's own. It keeps bouncing up and down by itself. It's kinda funny and spooky at the same time. Ugh, this perpetual head-ache and gloom. I haven't had a clear thought in quite a while. Just this murky haze that never really produces anything constructive. Just a big jumbled garbled, confuzzled mess. No coherence. Like a dim light in a smoky room. Not much to see, not burning very bright. Just 'eh. . " . No passion. No flame. No point of direction. No bearing. Adrift in an ocean of self loathing. Perpetual tide of self torment. Is this hell? No. I have seen hell. And by comparison, hell is still worse. You want to hear of my experience with hell ? Why the fuck not. . . . Some years ago I started down a line of thought that essentially led me to self empowerment over all. Meaning, I was THE most important thing in the universe. It's culmination led to a very disturbed belief that I was in fact 'God'. I know. It is as crazy as it sounds. And believe it or not, I attribute it all to reading a book and applying its self study principles. I have since dubbed that particular book a 'True' instrument of Satan himself. I wish I would have never read it. But, I did take one positive thing away from it. I truly now know what Hell is and what it looks like and I can say with all humility and honesty, I would never wish anyone be sent there or experience any part of it. I am going off on a tangent of backdrop here so back to the point. Describing it. At the time, I was living with one of my older brothers. I will leave names out. From here on out I will just call him my older brother. At my older brother's house I began reading said book and applying the principles contained. Within a week, the real self delusion started to become apparent. At the time, and in the moment, the lie was an incredible rush. I truly believed I was empowered. I would drive down the road and think 'green light' and either by mere coincidence or something supernatural, lights would turn green. Likewise, I would want a beer or whatever else in the moment that would tickle my fancy and low and behold, somehow I always ended up getting it. Self ful-filling prophecy or again, just a coincidence I don't know. But I would get just about everything I asked for. Like I said, it was cool for about the first two months. My job, money, sex, booze, you name it. It was spooky, and yet cool at the same time. In the beginning though. After the two month mark it started to get contorted. I started down the path that I could hear peoples thoughts. To this day, there is still some residual effects that have come from that part. I attribute it now to paranoia but again, I am not sure. All I know is that it is there and it still reeks havoc in my life. I had fashioned this whole bubble of me being in the center of it all in my psyche. At one point I had the audacity to claim to be the one God. I never said it aloud but my thoughts had become more solidified toward that end. Like, in the back of my mind it was always there. Every other thought in my mind was tempered by that all encompassing thought of 'I am God.' After many years of battling this absurdity in my own mind I can say unequivicaly that I am NOT God now and I cannot read thoughts. The more time went on fostering this perverted sense of self, the more dark and bleak things became. Until finally, and I believe this whole heartedly, God finally said, "Ok big shot. Your on your own then." And it was then, in that moment, when what I believe was God truly leaving me, I felt despair. I felt alone-ness. I felt, what I can best describe as 'the void'. Imagine if you can, a place where you see color, but all the colors you are witnessing have lost their meaning and feeling. Picture this: When you look at the color green, you not only see and recognize the color green but it has a certain feeling deep down you can't describe that makes it green. Likewise with blue and yellow and every other color. Well, in 'the void', you could see the color but didn't get the feeling or recognition from it. And, then after that nerve racking realization hit me, the desolation came. I was alone. Truly alone. God's whispers weren't there any more. That ever present conscience was gone. When walking by other human beings, you couldn't 'feel' them any more. They were as 2 dimensional objects that were nothing more then mere animations. Humans meant nothing to me. In that state of mind, it would have just as easy for me to kill one as to kill an ant. As scary as that sounds, that was the outlook. The perception. It was a slow build up, but eventually it all came to point. And then the blackness came. Imagine falling backwards into a tunnel, or pit and your looking up and your field of vision is slowing coming to a point directly in front of you, only to disappear altogether. Until all you are looking at is a huge expanse of black. And, yet it's not black. It's just an infinite NOTHING. Nothing else living near you. You, all by yourself in a huge expanse of nothing. No feelings, nothing to look at, nothing to talk to, no sound, no air, just a huge nothing. I don't know how long God put me in that time-out but words cannot describe how horrible it was. Pure un-adultered fear crept in me like no other. I felt like a little kid again, completely lost. And when I say completely, I mean it to the fullest extent of the word. Lost. That fear still lingers on the edge of my thoughts to this day. I will never forget what that felt like, no matter how brief or extended a duration it was for. Again, I couldn't tell you how long it lasted, but it was long enough for me. And after the realization that I didn't want to be there any more, I was made to experience it for a while longer. No matter how much I cried in my mind, or aloud, I couldn't tell the difference at that point; it was still there and I couldn't escape. And then it hit me. "I am NOT God! I am ALONE! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! LET ME OUT!" I was terrified. I cried and cried for God to save me. And still I was there. And then in the distance was the 'deal maker'. If memory serves, the voice gave me a bargain. If I was set free, I had to end my own life. At that point, I would have done anything to make that pain of desolation stop. I was taken from the void, and giving a weird, distorted and hollow point of view. It is very hard to put into words, but I was able to see the world, and yet not at the same time. It wasn't the same world as I remembered it. Well, once I was back 'in the world', I ran for my gun to end the pain. Even though I was back in and a part of the world, the pain of being truly alone was still ever present. And I wanted to end it immediately. I grabbed my gun, loaded the clip and set it beside me to mull over the choice I was about to make. All the while the dark voice kept saying 'it will all go away if you pull the trigger'. It taunted me non stop. 'Just pull the trigger. End it.' 'God doesn't love you anymore. You are ALL ALONE.' 'You have stepped away from God and he wants nothing more to do with you.' Those types of thoughts external or internal I couldn't say, were constantly bombarding me. They would not let up. I finally broke and started to cry, gun lying on the floor loaded next to my left leg. I was sitting in the living room of my older brothers house in front of the window. No one else was home. The tears themselves hurt and the pain was unbelievably unbearable. No physical pain could ever match that. It was a pain that hurt your soul, not your body and there is a HUGE difference. If you have ever had a significant other cheat on you, magnify that feeling by 1000x or so and it still wouldn't come close to the level of hurt I was experiencing. I am not exaggerating either. You don't ever want to feel that. Needless to say, I grabbed the gun. I was sitting there crying, sobbing horrifically and all I could muster was a faint no. I didn't have a reason why I said no, I just said 'no'. And after that 'no' I heard a soft, distant voice. It wasn't male or female, but rather just soft and seemingly extremely distant. It wasn't from 'inside' the void, but above or outside of it. All it said was "cry out". I didn't understand it at first. So I cried "Please stop!" out loud. I didn't know if that was what was meant or not but that's what I did. Again it said 'cry out'. This time is was a little muffled with the other voice saying 'Just end it already!'. 'Do it now!' Yelling at me. The softer one said again with an infinite patience, 'cry out.' It wasn't hurried or wavering and it definitely wasn't my own. It just said with an unflinching confidence, as if it knew the outcome, 'cry out'. At this point the other voice was getting louder and saying 'God doesn't love you. You are alone'. And I thought, 'Yes! That's it! God's word said that he loved me UNCONDITIONALLY!' In my broken state, I mustered a faint 'God loves me!' between sobs. It was weak at first but gained a little momentum the more I said it. Eventually it evolved into a 'Jesus loves me!' And then it became the childhood bible song. 'Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.' Trust me, I know how corny this sounds but I swear to you, this is all true and it really did happen. When you get to the after life, be sure and ask Jesus to show you this part of my life. I will freely let anyone view this in the after-life to substantiate it's validity. But back to it. I repeated the song a couple more times. After I finally gathered the strenght, I set it in my mind that Jesus did in fact love me, and this was not going to be the end of my story. I learned two , three important things that day. One, I am not God and never will be and have no desire to be. Two, Jesus really does love me and proved it to me that day by saving me from . . . myself I guess in addition to having already saved me from my sins. And three, Hell does exist and I wouldn't want anyone to go there ever. Not even my most hated enemy my father. The sequence of events here is a little muddy, and some descriptions are left out un-intentionally. It's hard recalling an experience with feelings and then putting them together with only words. But, again I say, this is solemn testimony and everything written here is the truth. Since then, I have slowly been rebuilding my mind. I am not as fervent any more about reading the good lord's book as I was in the immediate rebuilding phase, but I still give it a gander time and again when on the pot. Or if I am extremely disappointed , or frustrated with something and need a pick me up. I am a back-slider. What can I say. But, after that I made a very definitive decision to never commit suicide. For fear of returning to the 'Void'. I made a promise to Jesus that I wouldn't take a cowards way out and so far so good. I still battle with severe depressive bouts, but knock on wood, never to that extreme any more. I am still working on the paranoia, like I said, and some other residual effects. I have also since taken a painstaking approach toward healing my hatred of my parents. I have learned to be more vocal about my feelings and not just trying to cover them up. Also, I don't get physically violent any more. I used to punch things, break things, and the like. Now, I let them come out as tears. Sounds sappy, but it's a lot better then breaking my fingers again. Or a knuckle. On top of that I am reminded of scripture where is says God saves all of my tears in a bottle and are precious to him. It's a slow process but I am healing. Did I mention it was a slow process? And, here I am today. It's not all rainbows and cupcakes, but, it is 1000 times better then being in hell. I hope this article inspires you at some level to not ever give up ever. I don't know you. You are faceless to me, and I faceless to you. But, I really do love you and wish you the best in life. I hope it all works out for you in the end as I am sure it will. Don't forget, God is at the helm and he still loves you.