I Can Fly but I Want Her Wings

         Derek Crawl never blamed anyone but himself for what happened, the night his sister died could have been avoided if he had just told her to stay at her friends’ house until he came to walk her home or until her friend’s mother could have given her a ride back home, the fact that he hadn’t and just told her to be safe on her walk still haunted him. It was his fault his sister was gone, drunk drivers can’t be stopped and time can’t be reversed.



         The day Seth Marx moves in across the street Derek had been up all night waiting for his father to return from the bar, every bottle of alcohol poured down the drain and every can smashed under Derek’s foot, maybe if he had gotten some sleep Derek wouldn’t have reacted the way he does when he slams the window to the living room shut to cut off his view of the overly happy neighbors. Derek sees the boy laughing with his father and it makes Derek snarl, and when a younger boy comes out of the house tugging on a woman that has to be Seth’s mother? Derek snaps. How can people so happy stand to move into a house across the street from a place so rundown and pathetic even the people who live there want out?

         Derek doesn’t blame them for being happy, he blames himself for overreacting to the obviously cheery new neighbors he has just acquired. His father comes home around noon, holding his head and cursing the few remaining light bulbs still shining in the front room of their sad little doublewide and Derek stands to meet him in the middle of the room. His mother is in bed, nursing a head cold, and he is glad she can’t see the expression on her husband’s face. Derek and his father were nearly matched in height; Derek stood an inch taller than his father’s 6’1” frame. Height was all they have in common though, where his father is light Derek is dark. Derek has deep brown eyes and long black hair that falls past his shoulders along with a tan on his skin from working outside at his job at the scrapyard fixing up junkers. Derek looks like his mother, and his father often accuses her of cheating on him, which he knows is false. His father’s expression matches his scowl in a way only they can do, the pure hatred pouring from their beings and engulfing the room was enough to let his thoughts of the new neighbors slide from his mind; especially when skin impacted skin.



         Hours later, nursing a still forming bruise on the side of his face he catches a glimpse of the neighbors again, this time only the youngest boy is outside and Derek watches him play for a few moments. The boy looks about ten, three years younger than his sister had been when she’d died, and he looks happy, kicking a ball around his front yard, laughing to himself. His window is open again, the screen having been missing from years of sneaking in and out of it, and he can hear the child’s voice carrying all the way across the street. The boy kicks the ball again, making it bounce off the fence of the house next to his and roll back to him except when he goes to kick it again he only grazes it, accidentally putting too much pressure on the ball and sending himself backwards onto the ground. Derek hears the boy let out a squeal but the boy continues to laugh so he relaxes. That is when he notices the ball hasn’t stopped rolling and is currently speeding its way into the street that separates their houses.

         When he sees the little boy sit up and look around for his ball, he knew what the kid was about to do. He had been that age not too long ago, and he had seen his sister at that age too. Asking for help wasn’t going to happen, so he quickly slid out of his window and is running across his own yard before the boy has even got himself completely to his feet. Derek’s front yard is much smaller than his neighbors and his legs are much longer than the boys so he makes it to the road long before the boy does. He hesitates only slightly when he sees a car come around the corner, and since he knows this road the person isn’t likely to slow down for a ball, the little boy doesn’t hesitate, he doesn’t even look anywhere but where his ball has rolled into the street, but Derek takes off. He is across the road in just a few steps, grabbing the boy before he steps onto the road and earns a honk and a curse from the man behind the wheel of the car. The boy freezes in his arms when Derek sets him back down in his yard and then looks behind him. The boy’s mother stands on the porch, his father already crossing the yard to them, a look of relief on his face. Each member of their family has light hair. Derek shakes his head slightly, looks behind him at the now empty street and crosses again to the ball. He crosses back again and holds the ball out for the boy who is now safely in the arms of his father, who looks up at Derek with a relieved smile.

         “Thank you,” the man says, and Derek smiles politely back at him. Derek is shaking, he hasn’t noticed it before but now he can’t help but notice as he places the ball into the boys’ arms.

         “It was no problem. Just make sure you look both ways next time, okay?” Derek says in a voice that matches his body’s tremors. He nods at the father who is still smiling at him and at the little boy who is grinning up at him.

         “You run fast,” the boy says right before hiding his face in his fathers’ shirt. The father musses the boys’ hair again and stands to his full height in front of Derek. The man raises his arm out, looking up due to the teenagers’ height. He accepts the handshake politely.

         “Thank you for what you did for my boy. We’ve just moved in and we don’t know the neighborhood very well,” The man says with a sigh, dropping his hand. “I’m Robert Marx, this is Adam,” he motions to the boy then looks back up at the house where the older son had joined his mother in the doorway, looking bored with the happenings, a fact that made Derek’s eyes narrow slightly. “That’s my wife Ellen, and my eldest, Seth.” He notes that Seth’s hair is darker than the rest of his family’s, obviously dyed to a near-black. Derek keeps up his polite smile, tucking his hands into the pockets of his well-worn jeans.

         “It’s nice to meet y’all, given the circumstances. I’m Derek Crawl. I live across the street with my momma and father, Rachael and Garth.” He says civilly. He looks back toward his house then at the road. “It’s not a bad neighborhood, I promise, there’s just a few people that don’t watch this road, it’s usually the people cutting through instead of driving the extra mile through town.” Derek is glad that he has stopped shaking for the most part and he is able to be genuine with his neighbor and relax. “Just keep runaway balls out of the street.” The man nods and agrees with him. They speak for a few moments longer about the neighborhood and Derek agrees to come by their house sometime for dinner, after reluctantly agreeing to ask his parents over too.



         Three weeks go by before Derek and Adam interact again, this time in a much less dramatic way but with Adam still playing by himself. He notices the boy does that often despite having what seems to be a happy family. He has learned that Robert works late some days and Ellen is an EMT and is often on call late nights and weekends. That leaves Seth in charge of watching Adam while his parents are at work and Seth is nowhere to be seen. Derek hates him for that; the teenager has a family that loves him unconditionally and a little brother that deserves his big brothers attention. Derek would give anything to have that, to have his sister back, and working parents who care where he is going in life. He doesn’t have that, Seth does, and the boy wasn’t appreciating it the way he should.

         Adam waves at him from across the street, baseball bat in one hand and a single pebble in the other. Derek waves back, a small smile gracing his lips as he continues to look for signs of the older boy, grumbling to himself when he sees Seth’s bedroom light on. Adam goes back to tossing the pebbles in the air and attempting to hit them before they hit the ground, not quite successful in his task. Derek watches him for a few moments and let out a laugh when the boy huffs loudly, throws the bat down, and crosses his arms. The little boy looks over at him and places his hands on his hips, trying to look intimidating but only making Derek smile wider.

         “I’d like to see you hit the stupid rocks. I bet you’re no better than I am,” Adam calls across the road to Derek who raises his hands above his head in a surrendering stance only to drop them back to his sides at the challenge.

         “I bet I am too,” he says in a joking manner, already crossing the street to where Adam is standing and picking the bat up from the ground. Adam huffs again and pulls a pebble from his pocket and places it in Derek’s hand. Derek grins and takes a few steps away from the boy, making sure he is out of swinging range, and tosses the pebble into the air. The bat makes impact with a loud ‘ting’-ing noise just before Derek hears the pebble hit against the fence across the yard. He raises his hands up in victory and turns back to Adam who is pouting at him.

         “How come you can do that and I can’t?” Adam says with a stomp of his foot that makes Derek laugh out loud. Adam only scowls, “And if you say it’s because you’re older I won’t believe you because that’s what Bubba always says.” Derek’s heart clenches in his chest. Bubba. His sister used to call him that. His heart clenches. He feels a wave of rage at Seth because the older brother is supposed to teach their siblings things, not tell them they can’t do it.

         “I’ve just had practice,” Derek says, his voice a little strained, not that Adam notices, “I could teach you if you want?” Derek doesn’t miss the way the boy’s face lights up at that comment. Adam starts bouncing on his feet and holding a hand out for the baseball bat which is handed to him. Derek tells him how to hold the bat over his shoulder with both hands then told him to stay there while he moves a few steps away, in front of the boy with another pebble. Derek smiles at the boy’s impatient expression, “now watch the pebble, not me, and swing when the pebble is a little higher than the bat, okay?” Adam nods and shifts his weight again. Derek tosses the pebble towards the bat, Adam swings, the bat cuts through the air with a ‘whoosh,’ Adam groans.

         “I’m never going to be able to do it!” Adam says his voice rising in agitation. Derek chuckles and shakes his head.

         “You’ve only tried once! Don’t give up on me yet,” Derek says calmly, he knows better than to antagonize a frustrated child too much, and he knows not to yell with them. Adam exhales slowly and nods, lifting the bat back to his shoulders.

         It takes several more pebbles and a couple more signs of exasperation from Adam before the boy hit one at all. “Again! That wasn’t good enough!” Adam looks determined. Even after he hits it he isn’t satisfied because it doesn’t go very far. Derek keeps laughing with him and tossing pebbles his way, cheering the boy on every time he gets frustrated. An hour passes while they are outside and he tosses one last pebble toward Adam who smiles when the pebble ‘ting’-ed against the metal and flies through the air. The pebble makes impact on Derek’s leg and he hisses when it hits a still healing bruise. Adam’s smile drops when he notices and he drops the bat, bringing his hands to his face, muttering apologies. He shakes his head and opens his mouth to calm the boy, tell him it really isn’t a big deal, when a voice cuts across the yard from the front porch.

         “Good job dork, hit the guy helping you,” Seth says from his place in the doorway, he isn’t even looking at his brother; his gaze is focused on Derek, a smile on his lips. Derek doesn’t smile back he is too busy looking over at Adam, who is staring at his shoes. He growls under his breath, the feeling of rage becoming familiar in association to Seth Marx. That isn’t teasing, teasing your sibling isn’t supposed to hurt them, that is cruelty. Derek glares over at the porch then steps over to Adam, laying a hand on the young boys shoulder.

         “Don’t worry about it Adam, you didn’t hurt me,” Derek says soothingly, “Plus, the power behind that was impressive. When’d you learn to swing like that?” Adam’s whole body brightens when he looks up to meet Derek’s smile with one of his own. Derek’s smile twitches when he sees the red rimming the boy’s eyes and he casts another glance to the teenager who is walking across the yard. The older boys were soon standing face-to-face, or as close as they could with Seth being at least 6 inches shorter than Derek.

         “Thanks for watching the midget for me while I was inside,” Seth says, voice pitched lower and eyes slightly lidded. Derek has to keep from scoffing in Seth’s face; he can’t be rude, no matter how much he doesn’t like this boy. He doesn’t keep the scowl off his face though because Seth has the audacity to flirt with him while his brother is there, in the same breath that he has just insulted his brother.

         “I was just teaching him to hit pebbles. Adam said no one had taught him before,” Derek says in a not-so-subtle accusation. He decides to ignore the way Seth shifts closer to him when he feels Adam tug on his pants leg.

         “Daddy just works a lot during the week; he spends time with us on the weekends though,” Adam says meekly and Derek can tell he doesn’t want him to fight with his older brother. “Seth teaches me things. He won’t mind if you teach me things too.” Derek raises an eyebrow in Seth’s direction, the teenager winks at him.

         “Not at all, as long as I can get a few lessons myself Teach,” Seth says, pitching his voice lower again. The meaning of his words are lost on Adam and the boy claps his hands and hugs Derek’s side. Derek shakes his head at Seth, who still doesn’t look deterred.



         Seth doesn’t stop the innuendos. Robert isn’t as oblivious to the boy’s flirting as the rest of his family is and he has to reassure him more than once that he isn’t dating the man’s oldest son. The thought makes him cringe; in Derek’s mind he hates Seth. This isn’t true at all. He can’t hate people, it seems to be physically impossible for him to hate someone no matter what they do to him, he is jealous. Seth got to have the family Derek has always wanted, he gets a sober dad where his is drunk and he gets a little brother, where Derek has lost his little sister. He is jealous of him but he is also angry with the other boy for treating the family badly. Months go by and he can’t force the negative feelings toward Seth out of his mind. He wants to be able to be friends with his neighbor.



         Robert invites Derek and his family over for dinner one day, Derek declines the offer at first, not wanting his neighbors to meet his parents. When Robert asks why they can’t make it Derek says that his mother is sick and his father wants to stay home with her until she’s feeling better. Robert accepts this reasoning for the truth, though it is not the truth at all, he is just afraid of his neighbors knowing that his father is a drunk and his mother is in pain because of his father’s drinking. Robert’s only amendment is that even though his parents can’t come over for dinner, Derek should come anyway. That’s how he ends up standing in the Marx’s dining room alone after a peaceful and uneventful dinner.

         The walls are painted a shade of cheery pastel yellow. Each wall is decorated with the smiling faces of the family who frequented here. A large table stretches across the brightly-lit room, eight place settings already prepared and waiting. There’s a centerpiece half-way down it made of daises that match the walls almost perfectly, and beside it sit two white candles, both unlit; unnecessary in the glow of the sunlight leaking through the windows. The room smells of pine-sol, a lemony scent almost as harsh as the color scheme. He doesn’t want to touch anything. From the room over he can hear the laughter of the Marx family putting dishes away. The smell of the food has mixed with the too sweet smell of cleanser. Even though he knows it would be rude, he thinks that he should go, he knows he doesn’t belong there. He is like mold, growing and spreading until what was once bright is black and disgusting.

         Adam runs back into the dining room then and runs to grab Derek’s hand. He starts tugging at him until Derek is following him out of the room and through the kitchen, up the stairs and into a relatively empty room. There are posters on the walls of bands and video games, there is a large TV set up in the center of the back wall, several chairs and beanbags a few feet away. The TV is surrounded by a large entertainment center, and on the shelves are several types of video game consoles and stacks of video games and movies. He’d never seen that many video games in one place and for a moment he’s confused as to why Adam dragged him up here until Adam runs to the system and turns one on. He holds out a controller to Derek.

         “Play with me?” Adam looks expectant and Derek feels bad about shaking his head. He doesn’t play video games, he’s never had any of his own and he isn’t very good at them. Seth comes bounding into the room then passing by Derek, making sure their arms brushed, and yanking the controller from Adam’s grasp.

         “No one wants to play with a loser Addie,” Seth winks back at Derek. Adam whines and tries to grab the controller away from his brother but Seth just holds his empty hand out to keep Adam away. Derek glares at Seth and it makes the other teenager drop his arm. “What’s wrong D?” Derek scowls at the nickname and Seth’s grin comes back. “You wanna play with me?”

         “I’d really rather not, thanks.” Derek stays in the doorway, hating the way Adam looks upset about the game being stolen away from him.

         “I promise I’m a lot of fun,” the wink again. “Way more fun than the freaky munchkin.” Adam protests the name with a defiant ‘hey’ but Seth ignores him again. Derek chooses to ignore his comment as well.

         “I don’t even play video games,” he has to smile at the way Adam looks at him like he grew an extra head. Seth shakes his head.

         “Then we’ll play something else. I’ve got a few ideas in mind.” Seth’s voice is silky again and Derek sighs. Adam’s face contorts in confusion.

         “What could you two do that’s more fun than video games?” Adam’s voice is so innocent and Seth’s face brightens with a blush that Derek can’t help but start laughing loudly. He’s never been happier that Adam doesn’t understand his brothers’ innuendos.



         Derek likes to leave out of his window late at night and go for walks after particularly bad fights with his father. With his jacket thrown around his frame he slides out the window and into the warm summer night air. He pauses at the edge of his yard, out of view of his parent’s bedroom on the off chance of his father waking and looking outside. Derek lifts his gaze to the sky and runs a hand through his hair with a frustrated noise. He doesn’t hear the other set of footsteps until they are halfway across the street. Derek turns and meets Seth’s gaze just as the other boy steps off the asphalt onto the grass. He is glad the streetlight a few feet away had gone out a month ago, so that Seth can’t see the bruises around his eye and mouth, he doesn’t want to explain the swelling to his neighbor, even with the off chance Seth already knows something is going on. Seth raises his hand in a wave and Derek echoes it.

         “What brings you outside tonight?” Seth says with a smirk on his face, the shadows casting his face into an eerie expression. Derek just shrugs, reflexively reaching into his pocket for a cigarette but frowning when he remembered he had given them all to his mother. Seth watches the movement and reaches into his own pocket, holding out the pack to Derek, who smiles weakly and accepts the offer.

         “Are you even old enough to have these?” He says in a failed attempt to tease Seth. Seth looks up at him with a smile, taking his comment to be flirty, which Derek still doesn’t understand. Derek pulls out a cigarette and the lighter in the pack then hands both the pack and the lighter back to Seth after lighting his cigarette. He takes a long drag, releasing the smoke into the air, “I’m out here, because it’s my yard, and I felt like a walk, to answer your earlier question.”

         “So, you being out here has nothing to do with the bruises covering your face then?” Seth says harshly, crossing his arms over his chest. His whole body freezes, and he chokes on the smoke filling his lungs. He curses the light of his cigarette for giving him away. His stare was icy when he turns it back on Seth.

         “That’s none of your business,” Derek says, his voice betraying him when it shakes and comes out timidly. Seth sighs and drops his arms, stepping closer he reaches out to Derek, placing his hand on the taller boys arm. Derek flinches away.

         “It might not be my business, but I’m still going to worry about it.” Seth says his voice lower than before but not in a flirting manner, he is being gentle with him and that makes Derek even angrier. He isn’t some weak kid, he is a grown man and this is his problem.

         “Like you should be worried about your brother?” Derek says in a voice that is tainted with the rage that has been building and waning since he first met Seth Marx. “The entire time I’ve known you all you do is torture that kid. Do you think that’s any better than what he does to me? I’m an adult, Adam’s only ten.” Seth jumps back at the accusation and Derek sees his jaw clench.

         “You think I don’t love my brother?” Seth says kicking at the ground with a near-perfect sneaker.

         “No, I think you don’t appreciate him. Or appreciate the family you’ve got.” Derek says, his voice evening out to a level tone, not wanting anyone to hear them, even if the entire street would be in bed by now. Seth’s expression clears then and becomes one of immediate understanding. Like he now knows why Derek always tenses or gets angry whenever Seth teases and picks with Adam.

         “What happened to him?” Seth says.

         “Who?” Derek says, meeting Seth’s eyes.

         “Your brother,” Seth says in a way that makes Derek think it should be obvious. He shakes his head and turns his gaze back toward the sky.

         “I didn’t have a brother. I had a little sister,” Derek says, exhaling slowly, “I lost her and it was my fault.” He doesn’t have to look at Seth to know the boy’s face contorts with disgust, his fathers face does whenever his sister is brought up. Derek had failed her, he doesn’t want Seth to know that feeling, and he doesn’t want Seth to fail Adam, in any way. “I should have gone to get her; she shouldn’t have been walking home alone. If I would have been there, I could have pushed her out of the way; I could have been the one who died.” He thinks back to the day a few months ago when he ran across the road in front of that car just to grab Adam out of the way and he swallows weakly. Seth’s mind is apparently on the same memory.

         “That’s why grabbing Adam impacted you so harshly. You didn’t want it to happen again.” Seth says and Derek looks down at him when the other boys tone holds nothing but understanding. “You don’t want me to lose my brother too?” Derek knows it is a question but he can’t answer it. Seth watches his face for a moment before he smiles softly, “You know, Adam kind of loves you right? So do my parents actually, and well, none of us want you to get hurt either. Adam thinks of you as another big brother, probably a better one.” Seth’s voice lowers to a whisper at the end of his words. Derek feels a stab in his gut then, he hadn’t meant for Seth to get hurt but just like everything else, he failed.

         “No one will ever mean more to him than you do.” Derek says with his voice breaking as he drops the unfinished cigarette to the ground and stomps it out.

         “That doesn’t make you mean any less though.” Seth says, “You’re part of our family now.” Derek shakes his head, he never expected his neighbors to accept him, and his heart feels heavy as he remembers all the rage he harbored at the boy next to him for all these months. Seth accepts him just as his family does and all Derek does is push him away and see only the bad things. Seth loves his family; Derek has just been too blind to realize he was becoming part of that family.

         “You don’t want me to be a part of your family,” Derek says, his knees weak, “I’ll fuck it up.”

         “Too late,” Seth says, the flirty tone back, “we’re a little too attached to let you walk away now.” Seth follows Derek when the taller boy collapses to his knees with his hands covering his face. Derek feels terrible.

         “I won’t fail you,” Derek says, his words lost against his palms as Seth throws an arm around his shoulder.

         “You haven’t failed anyone,” Seth says, and after a moments pause he adds, “Your father failed you, Derek, not the other way around.” Derek huffs out a surprised laugh and shakes his head again. Maybe he doesn’t have his sister anymore, but he has a little brother, and perhaps, given time, a really close friend. He’ll never forgive himself for losing her, but he gets another chance now, and that was enough.

         “I’m still going to mess up,” Derek amends while turning his face to look up at Seth who was now grinning at him. Seth shrugs and scoots close to Derek’s shoulder, fingers folding in the fabric of Derek’s hoodie. Derek relaxes slightly at the contact, needing some kind of comfort to combat the pain. His fresh bruises protest as he rests his hand against his palm.

         “Yeah, maybe,” Seth says, “But I’m going to mess up too, so is mom, and dad, even Adam. That’s kind of what people do.” Seth throws his hand out in front of him then points up at the sky. “She doesn’t blame you, ya’know?” Derek follows Seth’s gaze and stares up at the sky, picturing the smiling face of his little sister. He nods slowly, already knowing that his sister would have forgiven him. He swallows down the lump in his throat.

         “I know she doesn’t. She never held grudges. She loved me. She might not blame me, but I do,” Derek says, his voice threatening to crack. “I’ll always blame myself.”

         “We’ll fix that,” Seth says quietly, watching the stars shift behind clouds. Derek’s mouth twitches up into a small, sad smile. Maybe they would.