Angel and Demon

During the day I am this super Momma. I hide my pain that torments me day in and day out. I hate for them to see my sadness so I put on a happy face as any good momma would do. I laugh and smile so my boys don't pick up on my moods. But little does anyone know how hard it is for me to do this. But in the same way it helps fight this demon that wants out. I play this angel part while it is daylight but only I know what is to come late at night ... for the demon wakes and wants out. I try to be there as best as I can for my boys. To see their smiles and hear their laughter does bring some joy to my miserable existence. All too fast the day turns to night and it is time to put my boys to bed.
This is when my angel side disappears and my demon comes to play. The things that haunt me most that I try so hard to ignore shine bright. Now is when I turn to booze to become numb. Slowly it takes effect and I feel some what ok but that only lasts so long. The urge is there and I know what I need to do to have some release. Even if it is short lived. I go to smoke and come back in and do my routine. I get my bandage ready and the tape. I think to myself will I ever over come this or will I need to do this forever. Cause no matter how much I beg n plead my maker just doesn't want me .... I am ready to meet him but he rather laugh at me. I take the knife and I cut over and over again. I smile at the blood that starts to flow but it isn't enough. So I keep slowly dragging the blade over my wrist. I can feel it cut into my skin and it feels so good and yet hurts so bad. After a few minutes the feeling passing and it is time to bandage up my cuts. I make another drink and sit there mad at myself for what I just did yet again. Finally it is time to try to sleep and start tomorrow all over. Only to have the same routine repeat its self. There is no hope for me ... I don't think this will ever stop. Cause all these years my pain is still there. Still torments me and haunts me ... this is my addiction. I am a cutter for what seems like for life!