The Unlikely President

         "Today the Republican party announced their candidate in the upcoming Presidential Election," Tom Wilson's voice rang throughout living rooms across the nation. "Former Mississippi Senator, coach to the Detroit Lions, and current Governor of Alabama, Rodney Melhook. Now, today, we have a few guest speakers talking about the choice the Republicans made in choosing Melhook..."
         Sunny just spat at the window. He didn't watch the news at home, but he would occasionally stop and watch from outside the local electronics store. Today, he was all but displeased with what he saw. Rodney Melhook was probably one of the oddest members of the elephants that could've been chosen. While most Republicans would probably turn a blind eye to the serious fact that Melhook was gay, it was obvious to everyone else. Everyone who'd ever mentioned Melhook either talked about him being gay or would try and make him out as a very heterosexual person. But the facts were all there.
         Sunny continued walking, eating his apple as he strolled through the streets of Grand Rapids. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and Sunny needed some groceries, so he decided to walk up to the store and replenish his wares. He was almost done with his apple when he arrived at his less-than-amazing apartment on McReynolds. Fumbling with his keys for a second, he finally unlocked the door and slowly made his way up sixteen stairs to an aging kitchen. He set down the groceries and threw his apple core out the window, praying it hit the balding neighbor below him square on the head. As he was putting his food away, he heard a knock on the door.
         "Where the hell is your rent, dickface?" asked the landlord, frowning.
         "Well, that's an excellent question," said Sunny with a weak smile. "I was blowing your mother last night and she was s'posed to give me fifty bucks, but she never paid, so I don't have the money today. Sorry."
         The landlord snarled. "Motherfucker--"
         "Actually, I'm not a motherfucker! I'm a motherblower. Also, you need to fix the lock on this door sometime, it doesn't always lock."
         Ten minutes later, Sunny was sitting on his sofa, holding his nose in the air to keep the blood from spilling on his clothes. Then, he had a brilliant idea, and sneezed blood all over the carpet. Smiling at his handywork, Sunny removed both of his dirty shoes from his feet and rubbed his eyes. He heard footsteps walking up the stairs and a minute later, his brother Morrison and his best friend Ted were in his living room.
         "What'd you tell him?" asked Ted, lighting a cigar. "Did you say you fucked his uncle?"
         "I'm not that cheap, Teddy," Sunny growled. "I'm a man of class, respect--"
         "You went with 'motherblower', didn't you?"
         "Yes. Yes I did."
         Morrison rolled his eyes. "Jesus Christ, Sunny! No wonder you can't stay in a house more than a year!"
         "Let's be fair, doctor," said Ted. "He's lived here for almost a year and a half."
         "I don't want to have to break your nose too, Logan!" Morrison growled. He look at his younger brother again. "Kid, how solid of a punch did this guy deliver?"
         "Kind of like cousin Gene," Sunny replied. Morrison shivered and nodded. "Looks like it, I bet."
         "It does," Morrison said. He stood up. "Now, brother, we need to talk."
         "Yes?" asked Sunny.
         "Now that this landlord has kicked you out, you'll need somewhere to stay for a little while," said Ted. "I'll offer you my spare cottage for a little while--"
         "No, I want no part in that creepy place," said Sunny angrily. "Can't I use the cottage in Rockford?"
         "My brother's there right now," Ted said. "Look, I might be able to have Gannis clear out the two junk rooms for you, but not forever! You'll need a new place of residence soon. I can't have a divorcee bum living with me forever."
         "Kind of harsh, Theodore," said Morrison. He looked at Sunny. "But accurate. Bro, you need a job, a house, a life!"
         "You need a big face full of dick and testies!" Sunny spat. "Now, with that out of the way, I'll go pack some shit and we can wreck this place?"
         "I'll get us an alibi," Logan said.
         Morrison cracked a smile. "Let's do this."
         Two hours later, the landlord went to investigate his apartment that the police had been called to. The appliances were all knocked over, the sofa was halfway through a window, most of the walls destroyed, several valuable computers and electronics smashed against the floor. A sobbing Sunny was in the corner, being consoled by Ted.
         "What happened officer?" the landlord asked.
         "Apparently, some jackass broke in, destroyed the whole place, and left."
         The landlord snorted. "Well, good grief! Will insurance cover this?"
         "Actually, sir," said Ted, standing, "as an agent of the insurance company you hired, I can already tell you that you won't recieve much. The vandal got in because the door is not always able to lock. As landlord, that's something you should've fixed immediately."
         The color of the landlord's face went from red to pink in a second. "How much will he,"--he jerked a thumb at Sunny--,"have to pay?"
         "His stuff was destroyed because of you," said Ted with a shrug. "You've got to cover the cost of that too."
         The landlord turned a vicious color of violet and then shouted, "YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH! YOU DID THIS! YOU WANTED TO FRAME ME!"
         "Actually, they were out drinking," said the cop. "We made contact with Mr. Logan's butler, who says he drove them both here around midnight."
         Sunny stood up, and made a loud sniffle. "If it helps," he said, "you can have this. Sorry if it smells." He then tucked a fifty dollar bill in the landlord's pocket.