journal

today it felt like the weather in Greenville N.C matched my mood. gray and gloomy and as soon as I got some good news my attitude changed and the sun came out and the happier I got the brighter the sun shone! God works in mysterious ways and what He has for me is for me. please believe me!
June 25 2013 12:06pm.
God works in extremely mysterious ways always changing plays and the rules of the game without any explanation as to who or what and especially not why other than He is God. And He is divine and all knowing and as his child I have no choice but to obey. And like a child I have been defiant and rebellious but in the end I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS come back home.
5:22pm June 25 2013
Hope I get this job.then that would mean I would have to move to n.c. wow! that would be a big move but I am so ready for it! I'm so tired and over my life back home. All I keep thinking about it how much better life would be for Justin and me. I just have to stay focused....stay focused, stay focused,stay focused STAY FOCUSED!!!
June 27 2013 7:44pm
I am sick of living like this! im almost 30 years old and I never had my own place! I want to start fresh somewhere new and hopefully things will get better. I have a gut feeling that things are going to go just as planned I just have to stay focused and keep my eyes on the prize! my future looks bright from where im standing,but I cant speak for everybody else and I have a lot of nay sayers, who think that im not gonna make it and that im making a huge mistake. but I can only see the good in this. so im going to let my haters be my motivators!
July 10 2013 10:21pm
I need to write more! I feel I should be writing EVERYDAY even if its only a few sentences. its been over 3 months since I have wrote in my journal and that makes me feel bad. writing down my thoughts is my passion, its what I love to do. my mind is always going, going going filled with all sorts of different ideas and thoughts and my imagination knows no bounds. LOL.
Sept. 17, 2013
lately I have been feeling empty I feel like im outside of my own body watching myself. my soul is now on the ouside of my body kind of hanging around always close by.
Oct. 3, 2013
I have had a terrible case of writers block for about a year now...I don't know but ''being a writer'' is hard. trying to keep all those thoughts and idea in your head long enough for you to write them down and by that time u forgot half of what you were thinking about in the first place. maybe I should treat my writing like a job and devout a chunk of time out f my day to write. I probably need more discipline. but all I want to do is write though. so why cant I just do that?...
Oct. 12, 2013
I am so conflicted about what to do about mike. I don't know if I want to be with him or if I even love him anymore. on the one hand I feel like I could marry him and spend the rest of my life with him because he is after all "good guy" but on the other hand im not sure im willing to give up my freedom and most of all MY SPACE. does it make me selfish? I don't feel like im ready to make that compromise. im trying to change the game and make my own rules.
Oct. 14, 2013
I love my family to death but I swear more than I want most things in the world I ant to be independent from them. to live in my own house at least 30 minutes away and 30 minute is the least amount of time away that I would want to be away from them, any thing closer would be too much. I thought that north Carolina was going to be my escape but I let my family make me feel so guilty about moving away that I lost all nerve and I kick myself most days for it. but given the opportunity I would be gone so fast it would make their head spin. i do love my family but after 27 years of being in each others face I have had more than what I can handle. I need my space. I need a break! I have an interview at walmart tomorrow thank God. hopefully the pay is good and I can work on getting my own place so I can get out of this house that I hate so much and into my own space with just me and Justin so we can do our own thing. I know it wont be easy and Im going to have to save some money (something I have never been good at). I dont know what im going to do because I feel trapped. still deep down in that hole trying to claw my way out.
Oct. 16, 2013
Started a new job at Wal-Mart and its going good so far,thank God for the job. The topic of the century is " the struggle." How do you maintain in any situation? Family,friends,jobs, how does a person deal with all these things and not drown in it all? Everyone deals with their problems differently and not one of us is with a problem. Does it ever get easier?
Nov. 7 2013
work is going well so far. the more I work the more driven I am to be more successful. iwant to earn more money. I need to find a way to make more money. going back to my eairler journal entry of the struggle. I been surviving the struggle long enough! I want to know how you beat it.
Nov. 11, 2013
you can only write about what you know. and its the same for any artists weather writing a book or spray painting the side of a subway car. so what do I write about? what do I know?...
nov 28 3013
yesterday i asked myself the question, "what do i know?" well i do know that i know about family. the whole concept of it and all the ends and outs. the good the bad and the horribly ugly truth. all the lies and secrets and whispered gossip that goes on inside of a families private goings on is quiet interesting.
nov 29 2013
my family is big and we are very close, sometimes I think too close. everyone always in someone else business offering their advice. Both wanted and unwanted. we have disagreements and arguments that sometimes even lead to physical violence that will temporarily clear out a holiday dinner. but its all out of love.
nov 5 2013
I know a little bit about love. its illogical and unpredictable showing up in the most unexpected places. love is gentle love is kind. love is irrational, reckless passion with moon lit walks on the beach making love in the sand. sad and lonely night filled with tear soaked pillows and feelings of dispair. i know you can go to bed on a sunday night and wake up mind numbingly delirious high on LOVE Monday morning. its a high unlike any other. but then again, what the hell do i know about love?!
nov 14 2013
all these men and so little time. big broad shoulders and cocoa brown making me feel some type of way. heated gazes from across the room and with one flash of that perfect pearly white smile and im gone, filled with intrigue. let the games begin!
nov 17 2013
I don't like to complain because I know there are people out there who have it a lot worse than I do. but that does not mean that I don't want and deserve to be happy. and im not happy in my life right now. I can say with certainty that I am unhappy. I don't expect to be happy all day everyday I just want to be happy in general. Lord Hear My Prayer.
nov 17 2013
when is it ok to cry? I wake up every morning at 4am thinking about her and the fact that I will never hear her voice or see her gorgeous smile ever agin. and I think how its not fair. not fair that they had to lose their mother so suddenly not fair that my mom lost her sister and my grandparents lost their youngest daughter and my brother and son lost their aunt. but when im up at 4am thinking about her I have to hurry up and sit up in my bed and litteraly shake the thoughts out of my head and choke back the tears because ever since her funeral I wont allow myself to cry cause my denial wont let me. it just doesn't seem real to me. I cant wrap my mind around the fact that she is really....gone.
jan 28 2014