Treehouse of Horror 2012.

Welcome dear reader, to a bunch of Simpson's Halloween stories written together as a trilogy in 2012. Read on for some of the weirdest Simpson's fan fiction you have ever read, will ever read or ever have read. FOREVER.

Disclaimer: The Simpson's belong to Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. This fan fiction is intended as a non profit parody only, no conscious attempt to defame, pass off or claim ownership has been made within this text. All characters within are purely fictional and in no way intended to resemble persons living or dead. No offence is intended to any reader, if offence is caused anyway please feel free to stop reading at any time instead of reading the entire thing then complaining anyway.

Part 1.

Halloween Thriller.

One morning at the Simpson's house as Lisa Simpson emerged from the bathroom after her morning shower she headed back into her room. It was then that she noticed that something was amiss, her saxophone, her only creative outlet, (Like smeg it is but it sounded cool eh?) had disappeared since she had last been in here. Immediately she suspected Bart, her mean older brother, her suspicions were confirmed when she looked out of her parents bedroom window and saw Bart carrying her sax to their garbage can on the curb.

“BART!” Lisa yelled, clenched her fists and began to run towards the stairs. The scene froze and the words: Lisa Simpson (Nerdus Explosiva Angria) appeared on screen as a caption for a moment then it unfroze again.

Outside Bart heard Lisa's loud high pitched voice and quickened his pace towards the Garbage can. The scene froze and the words: Bart Simpson (Annoyingus Meddlingus Vandilie) appeared on screen as a caption for a moment then it unfroze again. Bart deposited the Saxophone mouthpiece first into the garbage can then chased after the school bus and jumped onto it. Lisa arrived at the curb then realised two things, she'd missed the bus to school, her sax was in the garbage mouthpiece first. She made a frustrated noise before she reached up and removed her instrument from the trash, shaking off several pieces of half eaten food from it. It was then that she saw it. Sitting in amongst the other trash, a hand with a single white glove covered in crystals. On one level Lisa was disgusted, on another she felt drawn to the glove, it somehow seemed like it didn't belong here, a sense of intangible wrongness. Yet it was so compelling, never mind it was the first interesting thing to happen to the Simpson's this week, it was Monday, there was something about it that made Lisa want it. Lisa looked around then quickly snatched the hand and concealed it about her person, then she sighed and headed back towards the house.

Inside their house Lisa called for her mother Marge.

“Mom, Bart put my saxophone in the trash and now I've missed the bus to school.” Lisa said. Marge appeared from the dining room.

“Oh Lisa, not again, well give me your saxophone, I'll clean it while you're at school. Then I'll drive you to school.” Marge said matter of factly but with a slight hint of annoyance. Lisa had to retrieve her school bag from her room so she could have deposited the glove there, however she didn't want to. She didn't want her mother to find it, as she surely would in her daily rummaging, more than that for some reason she didn't want to be apart from it, in case someone stole it while she wasn't looking. Lisa shoved it into one of the side compartments of her school bag.

“Lisa come on! You're already late!” Marge yelled from downstairs. Lisa picked up her bag and headed out to the car with her mother. The drive to school didn't take long but since she was a passenger it gave Lisa time to think about what the strange gloved hand might be. It's probably a prop form some movie or TV show, they make things like this all the time in the entertainment industry, Lisa thought. If only she had known just how wrong she was, she certainly would have got rid of the artefact right away.

Marge dropped her off at school which was the usual unchallenging drag, why couldn't she be moved ahead a grade, second grade certainly wasn't doing her much good she thought arrogantly. The day inched by until lunchtime when she was playing with Sherri, Terri, Allison and Janey. Lisa bent down to pick up a piece of chalk which was used to mark out the course for a jumping game when suddenly she heard laughter from behind her. She sighed. This wasn't the first time this had happened, here it comes, she braced herself.

“Lisa has a big butt! Lisa has a big butt!” came the call from the girls, even Janey and Allison who were supposedly Lisa's friends. To be honest it wasn't entirely their fault, Lisa did have an unusually large rear end for a girl her age and for some reason she always bent over to pick things up instead of just kneeling or stooping, add to that her rather short red dress and she was an obvious target for ridicule. However Lisa was not fat, chubby like most children in Springfield yes, but not significantly overweight. Unlike say Utter, the fat German exchange student or even Milhouse or Bart. So anyway Lisa stood up and did the only thing she could do in this situation. She ran off to the girls toilets to cry.

“You know, we should probably stop doing this, the joke is running a little stale.” Allison said.

“Uh huh.” Sherri and Terri said at the same time.

The scene switched to Homer driving his car nearby.

“Homer, Homer Simpson, he's the greatest jerk in history, from the town of Springfield he's about to hit a, school! AH!” and he does. Homer's car veered onto the school playing field where it sent children fleeing for their lives, then crashed into a soccer goal which burst into flames. The soccer goal not the car.

“La la la la la la, I'm a stupid jerk!” Homer sang as the car started to catch fire.

“Should we help him?” Terri asked.

“Nah, it's the only way he'll learn.” Sherri replied.

“LISA! YOUR DAD JUST CRASHED INTO THE SOCCER GOAL!” Allison yelled. A few seconds later Lisa emerged from the school, saw what happened then took a fire extinguisher and put out the fire around Homer's car and the goal. Then she dragged his worthless drunk prone body out of the car and across the field where she did CPR on it until he woke up.

“Lisa! You saved me!” Homer said.

“Dad! Why are you drunk? I can smell booze on your breath! Why aren't you at work?” Lisa asked annoyed and dismayed in equal measure.

“Well I was at work, then Carl said, I can't go to Moe's in my lunch hour, and I said, that sounds like a bet to me! Then I don't remember so much, I woke up here.” Homer replied.

“Uh, we have got to get that crayon out of your brain.” Lisa said.

“Crayon? What crayon?” Homer asked.

“You, you don't remember do you? You don't remember anything?” Lisa asked.

“Yeah, well, consistency, is something, something, I forget. The important part is that Iran sucks and must be stopped.” Homer blathered. Lisa started laughing, then she rolled on the floor laughing, then she lost control of her bladder. What? She's eight frikin years old and under way too much stress.

So anyway the police and fire brigade soon arrived to clean up the latest Homer mess and Lisa composed herself and got a change of underwear from her locker.

“Stupid dad make me rescue him then wet myself like a baby. Who does he think he is? Ace Ventura?” Lisa muttered to herself as she left the girls bathroom. Lisa returned to class and did school work that we need not concern ourselves with here. I'm all so using the word work here quite wrongly. Work implies effort, Lisa did not need to make an effort to do work designed for the average eight year old. However she had been wondering if the gloved hand she found had anything to do with why her father was acting stupid. It was a long shot but it was worth checking out. Lisa walked home with Ralph, she didn't feel like being on her own, even if Ralph did have the IQ of a salt shaker.

“So the doctor said I wouldn't have so many assbleeds if I kept my finger out of there.” Ralph said as they stood opposite her house.

“Okay, that was way more than I needed to know. Well this is my house, see you tomorrow Ralph.” Lisa said then headed inside. Ralph stood there grinning stupidly like the overdeveloped cum stain that he is.

Inside Bart approached Lisa.

“Hey, Lisa, check it out, I'm a Neo Nazi! I want to live in a world dominated by white people!” Bart said. Lisa sighed.

“Okay Bart, two things, one you're not a Neo Nazi, two you already DO live in a world dominated by white people!” Lisa replied.

“Oh yeah.” Bart said.

“Now if anyone wants me I'll be in my room.” Lisa said and climbed the stairs to her room.

“Uh, I'm surrounded by idiots.” Lisa said to herself as she dropped her school bag and walked over to her computer, which she turned on. Her desktop was a My Little Pony Friendship is Magic picture. She clicked on the Firefox icon which launched the third party internet browser. She typed in Severed Michael Jackson hand on google and got several hundred thousand hits. Lisa began clicking on the links.

“Wow, someone really went to a lot of trouble to create a creepy pasta story about this thing. Unless it's really a magic object that can grant wishes. Hmm.” Lisa said looking at her school bag which contained the gloved hand.

“Well here goes nothing.” Lisa said then walked over to her school bag and opened the side pocket that contained the gloved hand, she removed it and looked at it.

“I wish I didn't have to worry about being fat.” Lisa said. There was a suddenly bright light then when it subsided everything was the same. Everything except Lisa that is, she was about three times her previous weight which put her well into the obese range.

“Oh no! What happened?” Lisa said to herself then she waddled over to the mirror and took a look at herself. She managed to not faint but what she saw left her speechless, she was huge, Lisa couldn't even guess how much she weighed. She only knew her weight was now closer to her overweight father than her normal weight. Fortunately for Lisa, her clothes had grown with her, although with her new size she had both visible panties and visible pantie line underneath her dress which was the same length, just a bigger size. Lisa looked at her body, it was almost round, her flabby arms, her huge tree trunk like legs, she now had an enormous belly on top of which rested flabby breasts, behind her she had a huge pair of thunder thighs and a bigger butt than her father Homer. None of this made any sense, she wished to not have to worry about being overweight, how does being overweight solve that problem, unless. Lisa waddled to her parents room and looked out of the window, as she suspected all the girls and women outside were extremely fat or at least rather heavy. Even in Springfield America's fattest city, something was amiss. It was then it hit Lisa what she'd done, she'd made everyone fat, or more specifically all women fat, in which case she didn't have to worry about being fat because being fat was normal. It sounded simple but Lisa had great trouble accepting it. She understood it, but that can't be what happened can it? Maybe the internet rumours were true in this case.

Lisa returned to her room then to her computer where she soon found out that indeed the effect of her wish was global. Pun intended. She all so found out that the health risks normally associated with obesity didn't apply to women in this reality. There were no eating disorders either, no anorexia, no bulimia. On the other hand, women couldn't do everything men could do either. Women's rights were far less advanced. In law they were equal but few people actually believed it and acted like it. Women earned less than men and were under represented in many professions. Then Lisa suddenly remembered that's how it was before her wish.

“D'oh.” Lisa said to nobody in particular. Still it was hard to think through all the implications, that was when a sense of panic hit her, should she reverse the wish, could she reverse the wish? It's not like the gloved hand had an Undo button. Honestly worrying about her weight and her figure was one hassle she could do without and she couldn't imagine any female disagreeing with her. On the other hand what gave her the right to do this? While she was considering this Lisa was startled by Marge calling her for dinner.

“Lisa, dinner's ready!” Marge yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

“Ah!” Lisa said then got up, which caused her body to jiggle. Well, there was nothing she could do about it now so she returned the gloved hand to her school bag and reported for dinner.

Lisa went into the dining room and sat down with Marge, Maggie and Bart. Interestingly it didn't seem as if females ate more to become fat in this new reality, rather than they were better at storing and retaining fat than before. Lisa noticed that the portions she was eating weren't that much bigger than the ones she normally ate before her wish and still much smaller than the amount she'd once eaten when her dad was on hunger strike that one time. Naturally her family was much the same, except for her mom Marge, who was like Lisa much heavier, Maggie seemed unaffected, perhaps the gain started after infancy but before puberty Lisa thought.

“Mom, where is dad?” Lisa asked knowing full well her father was either in jail or more likely the local drunk tank at the Springfield PD.

“Your father, had to work late today Lisa.” Marge lied. Lisa didn't press the issue, she knew her mom was trying to spare her feelings and she probably had no idea that Lisa actually saved Homer's life today. No doubt when he arrived back they'd get into another row again about what an irresponsible jerk he was, and he was. What kind of man with three kids goes to a bar in his lunch hour, gets drunk and then crashes his car into his kids Elementary school? Her pop. Apparently. After dinner Lisa watched cartoons with Bart for a while then he went to play with Milhouse and Lisa made her excuses and headed for her room.

Back in her room she thought about how Milhouse was another irritant. Apparently whatever else changed when she made her wish his infatuation with her didn't. It wasn't that she disliked him but he was like vanilla flavouring. Surely she could do better* Lisa thought. Unless. Lisa looked at her school bag and a devilish smile crossed her face. Seconds later she had the gloved hand in her hands and was about to wish.

*Except that, you know, she can't, she does marry Milhouse and have a child with him but hey, she's a stuck up bitch sometimes. What? You didn't think she'd end up with Colin did you? His father is a musician, they move around a lot. Dumbass.

“I wish Milhouse would never bother me again.” Lisa said. A bright light flashed then when her vision returned Lisa half expected to be the size of a whale or a dog or something. Nope. As far as she could tell nothing had changed. Except.

“Oh, I like girls now.” Lisa the lesbian said.

“So Milhouse wouldn't bother me, because he knows he has no chance with me, I wonder if I have a girlfriend.” Lisa said to herself. Lisa didn't have to wait long to find out, less than half an hour later her friend Allison Taylor came over and she had more than homework on her mind. Oh yeah. Awwright.

Now Lisa didn't mind the rather forward lunge that Allison made at her, and as much as she was enjoying their prolonged French kissing it would have been nice if she'd asked first. The thought all so occurred to Lisa, was Allison always a lesbian or did the wish that Lisa made effect Allison as well? Either way she was a great kisser. Lisa wondered if they did more than kissing, unlikely given their ages of seven and eight she thought. Allison wasn't nearly her size either, oh Allison was fat, much bigger than she was before Lisa's first wish but she didn't approach Lisa's girth or weight. After they broke the kiss this allowed Allison to step around Lisa with surprising agility. She then began massaging Lisa's considerable derrière, which made Lisa blush deeply.

“Allison, what are you.” Lisa began.

“What? You know I love your ass Lisa. I'd say it's one of your best features.” Allison replied.

“Uh huh.” was all Lisa was able to say from a mixture of pleasure and surprise. Now Allison knew it was the time to strike, she concentrated and hit Lisa with a spell that stopped her from moving, in a roundabout way. Lisa quickly inflated into a sphere which absorbed her arms, legs and neck then she began floating a few feet off the ground.

“I feel like I'm floating, hey, wait a minute, I AM floating!” Lisa said.

“Okay, where is it?” Allison asked.

“Where is what?” Lisa replied.

“You know what! The hand of Jackson.” Allison replied.

“Oh, that, it's over there. But how did you know about it? More to the point how did you do this to me?” Lisa asked.

“Well you see I'm a witch, we're immune to the memory changing effects of this kind of magic and it's our duty to seek out such powerful magic artefacts and prevent them being misused by non magic users. Like you.” Allison explained then poked Lisa's balloon body for emphasis.

“Well can you return everything to normal?” Lisa asked.

“I can if you tell me where the hand of Jackson is.” Allison replied.

“Okay, okay, it's in my school bag, right hand side pocket.” Lisa replied.

“Finally.” Allison said then she took out the gloved hand.

“I wish everything that Lisa wished was undone and nobody remembers.” Allison said then there was a flash of light and everything that Lisa wished was undone and nobody remembered.

The Michael Jackson hand complete with single white glove covered in crystals reappeared in the Simpson's garbage, except this time lower down where it couldn't been seen or picked up by Lisa. Lisa retrieved her saxophone except this time Lisa doesn't notice or pick up the hand. Then the scene follows Allison as she looked out of the bus window at Lisa going back to the house. Allison looked relived then smiled as the bus drove away.

Part 2.

Thank Bart it's doomsday.

The school bus pulled up at Springfield Elementary School, driven of course by everyone's favourite drug user Otto.

“Hey, Lisa, I bet you're looking forward to this visit to Professor Frink's lab.” Bart said.

“You bet I am.” Lisa replied.

“Ha ha! You like science!” Bart taunted.

“So?” Lisa responded.

“Yeah, well, science invented the holocaust.” Bart replied.

“Bart, that's so stupid I'm not even going to dignify it with an answer.” Lisa responded as they boarded the school bus with the rest of the children. Inside Lisa and Bart end up sitting together.

“You know, one of these days some science nerd is going to destroy the world.” Bart said.

“I seriously doubt it, more likely some idiot will take what they've invented and press a button without knowing what it does.” Lisa replied. Bart thought for a moment.

“Yeah, well, you like math! And you have cooties.” Bart replied.

“Bart, have you been sniffing glue or something? Just quit it.” Lisa said.

“Hi Bart, Hi Lisa.” Ralph said as he sat across the isle of the bus.

“Hi Ralph.” Lisa said.

“Hi Super Retardo.” Bart replied.

“Bart! That's not funny! And it's offensive to disabled people!” Lisa said.

“Bart do you think I'm Super Nintendo Chalmers?” Ralph asked confused.

“Just ignore him Ralph, he's being silly.” Lisa replied.

“I like being silly, like this one time I ate a bat and I got rabies.” Ralph replied.

“Eww.” Lisa said and shuddered.

“Cool.” Bart said clearly impressed.

Eventually the bus arrived at Frink's lab and parked up hitting a couple of other cars in the process.

“Hello and welcome to my lab children, with the science and the experiments and the oh dear lord what is that? Glavin. I'm Professor Frink.” Frink said introducing himself.

“So Professor do you have advice for these children?” Principle Skinner asked.

“Yes I do, when the sign says don't feed the Tyrannosaurus Rex, man you better not feed the Tyrannosaurus Rex.” Frink said then Skinner clipped him around the back of the head with his hand.

“I mean stay in school with the education and the learning and the growing, mavin.” Frink said.

“Do you have any inventions that science came up with that you'd like to show us?” Skinner asked.

“Why yes I do, this is my Oscorpator Benniiora, or as you may know it the Benny Hill ray.” Frink said then zapped everyone in the room with it. Immediately they all began running around Frink's lab in and out of doors while Yackety Sax played in the background, even Skinner.

“Ah, that's good physical comedy with the running and the music and the oh my it's funny.” Frink said then deactivated the ray.

“Here's my utter lunacy ray. Observe.” Frink turns the dial from You so crazy to Completely Mad to Bat Shit Insane to Jan Moir then finally to Sarah Palin then he zapped Lisa.

“OMG! THE WORLD IS FLAT! HUMANS AND DINSAURS WERE AROUND AT THE SAME TIME! I CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM MY HOUSE! HOMOSEXUALITY IS A DISEASE WHICH WILL KILL YOU! THE EARTH IS ONLY SIX THOUSAND YEARS OLD!” Lisa said with an insane expression on her face.

“As you can see it can make a totally sane person nuttier than the inside of a Austrian Neo NAZI convention. Now to reverse the process.” Frink said then zapped Lisa once again.

“Uh, why do I feel like Melanie Phillips all of a sudden?” Lisa asked. Everyone clapped, except Bart who was busy pressing the fire switch on another of Frink's ray guns. This one was large and mounted like a space telescope. Frink noticed what he was about to do.

“No! You fool! You'll kill us all!” Frink said alarmed. Bart pressed the button and the ray fired at Springfield.

“Cool.” Bart said. Instead of destroying the town however it opened up a strange looking portal in the middle of the city.

“Simpson, what have you done now?” Skinner asked as he dragged Bart away from the machine.

“I dunno.” Bart replied.

“Oh my glavin, I do believe he's opened a portal to another dimension with the horrors and the pain and the oh we are so boned.” Frink replied.

“I see, so would you say it's time to panic and run around screaming like a burning pig?” Skinner asked.

“Yes, yes I would Seymour.” Frink replied and with that everyone including the kids broke into chaos and started fleeing from the observatory except Bart and Lisa. Lisa approached Bart.

“Bart, this is your fault, we have to do something about this.” Lisa said.

“Well okay, but I get to make wisecracks.” Bart said.

“No wisecracks!” Lisa replied.

“Aww.” Bart said then looked disappointed.

Meanwhile in the centre of Springfield a creature emerged from the portal. It was spherical, with a great eye taking up most of it's body and a couple of much smaller eye stalks underneath. It look around for a moment as everyone stared at it.

“Look something we've never seen before! Let's throw rocks at it and shoot it!” a random Springfield citizen said then everyone started shooting the creature and pelting it with rocks. The only effect this seemed to have however was to seriously annoy it, it made an unearthly noise then it began blasting the townspeople with beams from it's three eyes. The main eye beam caused inflation depending on how long the burst was and the two others caused shrinking and transformation. People were turned into cars, mailboxes, everyday items, some were inflated like balloons, some like parade balloons. Homer came out of a doughnut shop then said.

“Wow, they're filming a movie, right here in Springfield.” right before he got zapped and inflated into a parade balloon version of himself. Marge arrived with Maggie but they suffered the same fate before they could do anything. Soon the city centre was devoid of people and a crowd of what looked like balloons hovered over it.

Elsewhere in Springfield Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl were running towards the centre of the city.

“Come on Bart, it's this way.” Clobber Girl said.

“How do you know?” Stretch Dude asked.

“Oh, I don't know, maybe the crowds of screaming people all running in the opposite direction.” Clobber Girl pointed out.

“Oh yeah. That makes sense.” Stretch Dude said.

They soon came upon the monster chasing a pack of people around town.

“Wow, that is seriously weird.” Stretch Dude said.

“There's no time for that, we have to stop it now.” Clobber Girl said then she picked up a car and threw it at the monster, however it just bounced back and crashed through the window of Luigi's restaurant.

“Ooops. My bad.” Clobber Girl said.

“Let's try the slingshot!” Stretch Dude suggested.

“Okay.” Clobber Girl said then Stretch Dude grabbed onto a couple of lampposts were he used his stretchy body as a catapult to fire Clobber Girl at the monster. Unfortunately once again it had no discernible effect and Clobber Girl bounced off onto a rooftop.

“Lisa!” Stretch Dude yelled which only caused the monster to fire at him with it's eye beams. Fortunately he was able to avoid them by changing shape.

Clobber Girl wasn't so lucky, she had a rough landing on the roof of a nearby building. As she got to her feet the monster zapped her with a long burst from it's main eye beam. Clobber Girl inflated almost instantly like an air bag going off, one second she was on the ground standing there, the next she was floating in the air round as a ball. Then the monster crossed all three beams and zapped her again. She carried on inflating then she started to transform, eventually she turned into a blimp complete with gondola and Duff written on the side of her. That's when she realised that the monster had turned her into the Duff Blimp. Clobber Girl's mind soon became hazy and she found it harder and harder to think. Clobber Girl tried desperately to remember who she was. I'm Clobber Girl. I'm a super hero, not a blimp. I'm Clobber Blimp. I'm not a blimp. I..I'm..I'm a blimp. A Blimp. I'm a blimp. I'm the Duff Blimp, Lisa thought. No, not Lisa, the Duff Blimp, she was the Duff Blimp. Eventually she just ended up repeating the same word over and over, Blimp, Blimp, Blimp, Blimp. But really what else could she do? She was the Duff Blimp after all.

Soon after Stretch Dude suffered a similar fate after an ill advised attack with a harpoon “borrowed” from Captain McAllister's bate shop. Stretch Dude floated in mid air as the monster crossed it's eye beams and fired. Immediately Stretch Dude began inflating and transforming until he had become a blimp with Badyear written on it. He reflected that maybe he shouldn't have pulled that lever back in Frink's lab after all. Then he realised what the monster had done to him, it had turned him into the Badyear Blimp. Stretch Dude's mind soon became hazy and he found it harder and harder to think. Stretch Dude tried desperately to remember who he was. I'm Stretch Dude. I'm a super hero, not a blimp. I'm Stretch Blimp. I'm not a blimp. I..I'm..I'm a blimp. A Blimp. I'm a blimp. I'm the Badyear Blimp, Bart thought. No, not Bart, the Badyear Blimp, he was the Badyear Blimp. Eventually he just ended up repeating the same word over and over, Blimp, Blimp, Blimp, Blimp. But really what else could he do? He was the Badyear Blimp after all.

Both of the transformed former super heroes turned airships simply floated there as the monsters rampage continued. Some time later a similar but much larger creature emerged through the portal and floated over to the other one, it began speaking in an alien language.

“Young lady, where have you been? And what exactly have you been up to here? You're coming with me, but not before you restore these lifeforms to their previous molecular state.” the larger creature said.

“Yes, mom, I'm sorry mom.” the smaller creature said then suddenly everyone was back to normal again, including Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl.

“Now you're coming with me, grandma is coming over and she wants to see you.” the larger creature said.

“No! Not grandma! She smells of cabbage!” the smaller creature said as it was dragged back through the portal by the larger one and it closed behind them.

“Yeah, we saved the day.” Stretch Dude said.

“No we didn't, we got our asses handed to us.” Clobber Girl replied.

“LISA! I don't want to hear you using that word!” Marge yelled from off screen.

“Sorry mom.” Lisa said embarrassed.

“Wow, did you see those special effects for that movie.” Homer said as he walked up to them.

“Dad, that wasn't a movie.” Lisa replied.

“TV Special?” Homer replied.

“No.” Lisa said.

“Short film?” Homer asked.

“No!” Lisa replied.

“Video game cut scene?” Homer asked.

“NO!” Lisa replied.

“Youtube video?” Homer asked.

“NO! Dad, all those things really happened.” Lisa replied.

“Yeah, sure Lisa, happened.” Homer replied.

Part three.

The boring world of Homer Simpson and Niels Bohr.

Homer Simpson was walking through down town Springfield when suddenly a bunch of workmen went off on a break. They left a plunger which was set to blow up a nearby building.

“Wow, demolition.” Homer said impressed. Just then a guy in a black robe with a scythe ran up to him.

“Hey, buddy, just don't blow this building until I get out, I gotta get my blackberry.” the figure said.

“Well okay, but I'm not actually a.” was as far as Homer got before the guy had lunged into the condemned office block.

“Okay, Homer concentrate, a man's life is at stake. Mmm, steak.” Homer said then started eating a burrito, unfortunately he dropped it, slipped on it then as he fell he grabbed the plunger and pulled it down as well. This caused the building to collapse.

“D'oh. I bet I get blamed for this.” Homer said.

“Hey you just blew that building up!” a workman said.

“Well you wanted it blown up didn't you?” Homer asked.

“Yeah, but you ain't in the union, that makes you a scab. GET HIM!” the workman said and they all chased Homer down the street until he hid in an ally.

“Phew, at last, I'm finally safe.” Homer said. Just then Snake appeared and stuck a gun in Homer's back.

“Like give me your wallet dude or I'll totally kill you.” Snake said. Then Homer farted, a really nasty loud fart, you know the one, the one no one can deny not even holocaust deniers or nine eleven truthers.

“Oh, that's it, just for that I'm going to kill you and take your wallet.” Snake said and fired twice. However instead of dying Homer merely appeared blackened as if he'd been blown up in an old style cartoon.

“Ow. Quit it.” Homer whined.

“Whu? Why aren't you dead fatty?” Snake asked.

“It's a glandular problem!” Homer yelled and grabbed a disused baseball bat and started wailing on Snake. Something however was amiss, instead of collapsing on the floor bleeding Snake's body became squashed like an accordion.

“What the hell? What's going on?” Homer asked. Snake fired his gun again and Homer became blackened again for a moment.

“What is this some sort of cartoon?” Homer asked again.

“This is BS, it must be that gypsy who's dog I robbed.” Snake said as he left the ally still bouncing like a spring and partially flattened.

Meanwhile at Springfield prison multiple felon Sideshow Bob Roberts was about to be executed.

“Any last words Bob?” the warden asked.

“Don't let it end like this, tell them I said something.” Bob said. The warden pointed to his watch and the guard flipped the switch to being the electrocution. Bob made several dozen strange convulsions then sat up in the chair.

“Ow. Are you imbeciles even doing this right? Although of course it was foolish of me to think that this would go without a hitch.” Bob said irritated.

“Hmm. Take him outside.” the warden said. Bob was brought outside to a courtyard where a firing squad assembled.

“Oh, really, now what is this China?” Bob said. They fired. Bob was just blackened but clearly not bleeding or dying.

“Oh four crying out loud, was there any shot in there? I'm blacker than Uncle Tom. No wait, modern firearms use cartridges, there's no way they could have forgotten to load the shot. What the devil is going on?” Bob said mainly to himself.

“Hmm. Now that's never happened before.” the warden said.

“Warden there's a telephone call for you.” a guard said then handed him a phone.

“Uh huh, is that right. Yes, I understand.” the warden said then handed the phone back to the guard.

“Well Bob since we can't carry out your sentence, you're free to go.” the warden said.

“But, what if I kill again?” Bob asked.

“Well Bob, I wouldn't worry about that. Just get out of here.” the warden replied.

At the Simpson's house the family was sitting down to dinner together. Even though they're supposed to be dysfunctional. No. I don't know either.

“So Homer, did anything interesting happened to you today?” Marge asked.

“Well now you mention it.” was as far as Homer got before he let rip the worst, the biggest most disgusting room filling fart you've never heard of.

“Aww who cut the cheese?” Bart asked.

“Who do you think.” Marge replied.

“This is worse than Bopal.” Lisa said.

“Lisa, what have I told you about using hyperbole at the table?” Marge asked.

“Sorry mom.” Lisa replied.

“Well as I was saying.” Homer continued as the fart cleared.

“I may have accidentally slipped on a burrito and killed the grim reaper.” Homer admitted.

“OH MY GOD! Was he okay?” Marge asked. Homer rolled his eyes.

“No, Marge, he wasn't okay. I already said I killed him.” Homer replied.

“Ohhh.” Marge said.

“So you realise this means there's no death any more?” Marge pointed out.

“OH NO! Family Guy will go on for ever.” Bart said.

Inside Peter Griffin's house the station wagon was crashed through the front wall of the house.

“Peter! Did you crash the car into the house?” Lois asked.

“Why yes, I did Lois, but at least it's not as bad as that time I shot John Lennon.” Peter said.

Inside a limo, New York, 1980's, John Lennon was sitting with Yoko Ono in the back of the car.

“You know, Yoko, it's so good to finally get away from music and politics and be able to concentrate on my family.” John said. Then the car drew up and he got out. Peter rushed him.

“I'VE READ CATCHER IN THE RYE! IT TOLD ME TO KILL YOU!” Peter yelled then shot him four times with a Thirty Eight Special, missing once. Lennon slumped to the pavement, unconscious and bleeding profusely.

Inside the Griffin's house once more Lois was still angry with Peter.

“Well maybe, but that's no excuse.” Lois said.

“I am a Democrat, I smoke pot.” Bryan said.

“I sound like a retard, even though I'm clearly not.” Chris said.

“I'm a stupid bitch with no redeeming features.” Meg said.

“I'm gay, and British, because all British are gay, that's why there are sixty million of them.” Stewie said.

Back at the Simpson's dining table the family shuddered.

“Ah! I just realised, if this is true, then we'll never be rid of Grandpa!” Homer said.

“But you're already rid of him, you put him in a home.” Lisa pointed out.

“Not good enough, get off my planet old man!” Homer replied and waved his fist.

“Homer, he's your dad, that's not very nice.” Marge said.

“Oh, and as for your mother, Marge.” Homer began, then he noticed Bart, Lisa and Maggie all making “NO!” gestures at him.

“Uh, never mind.” Homer finished. Marge made her frustrated noise.

MoNdAy.

The next day on the way to school Bob was hunting for Bart. Well actually he was pretty much just hunting Bart. Like Ted Nugent. Awwright. Bob hid in the bushes then made a lunge for Bart, however Bart rolled out of the way and Bob overshot and ended up in the Springfield river. The river took him out to Springfield fall and he plummeted over it leaving a splash in the water at the bottom. Bart shrugged and kept on walking.

TUeSdaY.

Bart was on the swings in the Simpson's back yard, Bob sneaked in with his own personal bush. Maggie spotted him, approached him then pulled out a huge mallet and whacked him into the sky with it. Bob fell over and over and over until a thud noise it heard in the distance.

WeNSDay.

Bob was chasing Bart, the animation paused. The words: Bob (Americanus criminalii wannabii childkilla) were displayed next to Bob while the words: Bart Simpson (Annoyingus meddlingus vandilie) were displayed next to Bart. Bob got tired of the chase but then has and idea with a light bulb above his head.

Some time later Bob had set up a giant bear trap with a bowl of Butterfinger candy bars as bait. Bart walked up to it.

“Well this doesn't take a genius.” Bart said then he used a stick from the side of the road to set off the trap and walked away with the candy bars. Bob drummed his fingers.

“I suppose I should have expected that.” Bob said to himself.

THuRsDAy.

Bart saw Bob and ran away. Bob put on some rocket skates and raised his eyebrows to the viewer. Bob drew a match and lit the rocket skates, at first he nearly caught up with Bart but almost immediately he overshot and crashed into a Screws and Nails factory. Bart shrugged.

FrIdaY.

Bob had set up an old fashioned cannon like the one he used to be fired from on the Krusty show at the side of the road. Bart walked by, waved to Bob, tried to fire but nothing happened, Bob got angry, moved around to the front of the cannon and then it fired. Bob landed half a mile away with a thud.

SatUrDay.

As the Simpson's were walking through Springfield suddenly Death appeared in his black robes with his traditional scythe, he was accompanied by Niels Bohr and Frank Grimes.

“People of Springfield, hear me, I am Death, the grim reaper, now as some of the more observant among you may have noticed I've been on vacation the past two weeks. I did get Niels Bohr to fill in for me but somebody blew him up.” Death explained.

“Oh, yeah, that was me. I think. Wow, I blew up renowned Danish physicist Niels Bohr?” Homer realised.

“Yes you did, thank you very much you hairy American dickman. And you broke my Blackberry. Do you have any idea how many e-mail contacts I lost?” Niels Bohr said.

“Wow, I'm a super villain.” Homer said.

“No dad, you're a dangerous idiot who has once again endangered our town and the world at large.” Lisa explained.

“Exactly. You're a disgrace Simpson! If you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death a long time ago.” Frank Grimes yelled.

“Oh, what? I'm sorry Grimey, I couldn't hear you over the sound of how you're dead and I'm still alive.” Homer replied.

“LISA! Don't talk about your father that way!” Marge said.

“Why not? I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.” Lisa replied.

“Why you little!” Homer said and started strangling Lisa.

“Oh for fucks sake, HOMER! HOMER! Stop strangling your eight year old daughter you jerk.” Death ordered.

“Sorry.” Homer said and stopped strangling Lisa who glared at him. Suddenly Comic Book Guy appeared.

“Worst ending ever.” CBG said.

“What about Mass Effect 3?” Bart asked.

“Ah yes, the Bioware suck ass now defence, well played sir, well played.” CBG said.

The end.