What is Love

WHAT IS LOVE?



WILL ANYONE EVER REALLY KNOW?



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WE ALL NEED LOVE IN OUR LIVES!

















What is love?

I was thinking exactly the same question and couldn’t find the answer, he was sat opposite me and looking me straight in the eye when he was telling me he had fallen in love with someone else,  I wanted to ask who, I wanted to ask why, I couldn’t understand what had happened to us. 

I got up and walked out of the room and went to the bedroom, I was in a daze, I got the suitcase and started to throw his clothes into the open case, he had followed me upstairs saying how sorry he was for hurting me, how it was never meant to happen, it just did......

I looked at him and he looked back, picked up the case and left.....

If he was so sorry for this, if this wasn’t supposed to have happened then surely he would have stopped it and come home, back to his wife and children.

The following morning I got up and looked in the mirror, I couldn’t bare to look at myself, I was so fat, so ugly, so unattractive......my questions had just been answered, that is why he left me, he couldn’t bare to look at me...

I found out two weeks later he had been, sorry he is sleeping with someone he had met through work, someone called Sandy, she was quite a bit younger and I suppose she thought she was the bees knees, poor thing, just wait and she will find out for herself what he is really like in time.

He is renting a flat, a one bed flat, where were the children supposed to sleep when they come to see Daddy.....I don’t know, he kept saying, I don’t think it would be wise for the children to come here....what a cop out!!!

I hate him for what he has done to me but I despise him for what he has put the children through.  I never called him to the children, he was and is their Daddy, and I never would call him in front of the children.

I just need someone to talk to, I feel like I am in a different world, a world of nonsense, and disruption and hatred and feel like no-one likes me, everyone around can’t stand to be around me, I even feel the children hate me for their Daddy leaving, I know they blame me, I can’t tell them anything because I don’t know myself the real reason behind it, other than that of male incompetence at keeping their dicks in their pants....the urge to procreate, to increase the population with their genes.







Listen to me babbling on, I don’t know why he left me, the person he is with isn’t any better looking than me, I don’t think anyway, but I suppose again, who am I to judge.  I need someone to want me for being me, for my lack of self confidence, for my insecurities, which there are quite a few at the moment.  I need someone who loves children, someone who would love my children.  I want help, I need help, I am in a world of pain and I can’t get out of it.

I know it has only been two weeks and I know we were married for nearly ten years and you can’t wipe ten years out in two weeks, I would be a heartless bitch if I was able to do that. I am not and I can’t.

What is Life going to be like?

Oh my god, I can’t answer that question either.  My life is the biggest mess and I don’t know how or where to start sorting it out.  I know he said I could stay in the house.  That was nice of him!  The home where the children feel safe, safe, there’s a good word, what is safe?  I thought my marriage was safe, the children thought their little lives were safe and that they would always have a Mummy and Daddy who love them and would be together for ever.....I always thought that too.  I must have MUG printed on my forehead, I was always the one to clean and cook and even try to have sex with him, and he always said he was tired, turning away from me and pretending to be asleep, but it was a different story when he wanted it, oh yes, that was different wasn’t it.  It got to the point where I would just lie there and wish it was over, luckily I had something else to think about, my children, they got me through the sex....that is what it was, I can’t remember the last time we actually made love.  He wasn’t very considerate in bed, he was always thinking about himself, hence leaving me for someone else, my point exactly....

What can you do about what has happened?

How the hell should I know the answer to that!  I don’t have a clue.  I just know I have got to keep going for the sake of my children, they are my life now, no one else, I have to concentrate on the love and life of my kids, I need to keep them stable and keep disruption to their routines to a minimum.  I want them to be happy and content, I want them to know both mummy and daddy do love them and they are not to blame.

Am I doing and saying the right things.....I am sure I am but then again, I don’t know.











I hope this person he has gone with realises he has no money, we were on the verge of going bankrupt.......ah, that is one of the reasons he left me, It isn’t my fault at all, it is his, he can’t cope with the knowledge that he himself has put us in financial ruin......he is a gambler, and a big one too, I tried countless times to make him stop but he is addicted, well at least now he isn’t my problem any more, he is hers....good luck to her, she is going to need it.

How are you coping yourself?

Well, I have lost weight, I can’t really remember the last time I ate a proper meal, I keep feeling sick and the easiest way to stop it is to not eat so I stopped.  I know that isn’t good for me or the children but I will when I really need to.  Food is just another thing standing in my way of happiness, If I eat, I put on weight, If I don’t I lose it, If I lose it, then maybe he will want me back, but you know what, tough, I don’t want him anymore........I want and deserve someone who will respect me for being me and getting through this really bad time in my life with my children, and keeping my children protected from all the hurt. 

This has got to be the worst month of my life, last month everything and everyone seemed as happy as ever and now it has gone, blown away in the wind like the leaves that leave the trees in autumn.  They are there and then they are gone. I had a husband and now I don’t.

When will the dark clouds lift and give me the new happiness I so deserve.  I will conquer this, I know I will, I have to for my own sanity.  I am not going to let one person ruin the rest of my life.  I have so much to live for and I am going to be happy, I am going to be successful and I will show the world what I am made from.

Where are you going next?

I am going to a solicitor, I am not hanging around, he could change his mind about the house, I want it set in stone and in doing so, there is no way he can take it away from us.  I have the upper hand and I am not going to let him take anything else away from us......

I wonder what the solicitor will say, I have never had to deal with one before, I hope they agree with me, I want things set so I or we know where we stand, I will also be naming his girlfriend as the reason I want a divorce, Wow divorce, hearing myself say the word really brings it home to me, he has actually gone and left us, he is such a ......... no I can’t call him, if I start now, I may never be able to stop and that isn’t good for the children.

Where is the perfect life, has anyone got a perfect life, I wouldn’t believe you if you said you had a perfect life, I don’t think it exists, do you?  I feel like crying myself to sleep tonight, but why should I.  Why should he get the upper hand, he has hurt me more than I ever knew was possible, but there is light at the end of the tunnel..............



Reading back over my first few weeks, I never thought I was going to be happy again,  my divorce actually went through without a hitch, he even paid the solicitor....I know....I couldn’t believe it when everything I said I wanted he gave me and was happy to have his other half named on the papers. I don’t know where he got the money from, and to be honest I don’t care, he probably had a big win in the casino.....A real turn up for the books though, and the funny thing about it now is I don’t even think I ever really loved him.  Strange but true, I have been divorced for two years now and I have met the most perfect man ever, he is kind, caring and so true to me and my children.

We met; now don’t laugh, over the internet, one of those silly dating sites.  We answered questions and then they paired you with the most compatible, and here we are now.  We had our first date just over a year ago.  We went for a romantic walk along the beach and had a beautiful picnic on the sand dunes with strawberries and champagne, I told you he was too good to be true, but god the passion between us it is electrical.  I never knew my body could do the things it does until I met him, I was going to tell you his name but I don’t think I am quite ready to do that yet.

Oh you know that perfect life I was talking about, the one that doesn’t exist, I have found it, it does actually exist, I know, I can’t believe it myself, it is wonderful, my life is complete, if I died tomorrow, I would die knowing I had found what I had been looking for.  I am finally happy.

I am in heaven; my life has been turned around in such a short space of time, I am so lucky to have found him, even though he says it is the other way around.  We laugh all the time and we love each other so much.  We have even started trying for a family of our own and my two children are so excited and can’t wait to have a baby brother or sister, I did a pregnancy test just before I came in here and I don’t know the result yet, I haven’t looked.

Hold on please I must phone him while I look at it and then we can all find out together, my children are with him so they can be in on the conversation too.......(phone rings and he answers).......I am about to look at the test babe.....are you ready.........one line not, two lines yes.......we have got........  Two lines, Oh my god, we have got two lines, we are pregnant......I can hear my children screaming with delight on the other end of the phone.....I can’t believe it.

I am pregnant.  I am pregnant,  that is the best news I have had in such a long time, I am going to have to go and be with my family, and I will continue this next week, can you book me in for next Thursday please, same time will do nicely.

©Shadowlands