The Rejects: Real Heroes.

         "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh god you're just as funny as the rest of them, The Silver Eagle? Noobiest name yet. I mean really dude, you ain't even got a lick of silver on you!" A man said, walking out onto the roof top in grey camo Pajama pants and a matching shirt, holding a sandwich in one hand and a cup of iced tea in the other.

"And who might you be, civilian?" Inquired the Eagle.

"Come on? Don't recognize me? I'm Dan, dipshit." He replied as he took a bite.

"Wh-wait, THE Dan? As in the most well known and distinguished hero in the world. May I have your autograph?" The eagle quickly changed his tone from heroic and deep to more commonplace and fanboyish.

"So let me get this straight? You dress up as a freak, make a noise on my roof top looking like a flamboyant flamingo, and expect an autograph?" Dan skeptically questioned, his mouth half full of sandwich.

"Um.. Yes please. Make it out to Kyle." The eagle, or should we say Kyle, replied.

"No. Just freaking no. Now what the hell are you doing up here Numb nuts?" Dan said with a sigh.

"Um... just looking out over my city about to start my first day as  HERO!" Kyle replied triumphantly.

"Pfft you make me laugh, you know you have to be registered by the government or else it's illegal, right?" Dan informed the poor fool, to which the poor fool just paused and dribbled out

"But can't I just fly off this roof and save people already? I mean I bought and designed this wingsuit and everything and like my family..."

"Wait, wait, wait... You bought... a wingsuit?"

"Well yeah, I don't have powers so-"

"Where the hell did you buy a wingsuit!?"

"Well um... I custom ordered it from craigslist but-"

"OH GOD!" Dan signed and chuckled. "You people never learn do you? One guy falling off a roof with a shoddy craigslist wingsuit isn't enough for you is it? Do you know how many other noobs like you have bought the same brand of wingsuit?"

"Um-"

"50, atleast, wanna know have pancaked to the ground"

"uh-"

"50, wanna know why?"

"well-"

"Cause that guy, you bought that wingsuit from, is a villain, he manufactures shoddy wingsuits and sells them on craiglist to wanna be heroes and villains, then we actual heroes and villains watch and laugh as the noobs hit the ground like dead weight."

"But... really?"

"Yep dipshit, really, and what the hell is up with your outfit I mean really? Are those... You have American flags under your arms, and a bald eagle helmet... how are you the silver eagle?"

"Well I'm very patriotic, it's America themed."

"Then why not American Eagle, Or Bald Eagle."

"I like quarters and I got the idea from them, and I would plan to leave quarters on villains I defeat as a calling card."

"Wow.. 1- they aren't silver, 2- no one does calling cards any more. 3- Your whole theme went out of style around 40 years ago, and 4- Who would find it respectable if you left quarters everywhere!? At least make it a dollar. Oh great Idea, dress up as a waiter, then when you beat someone, throw a dollar on them and say 'Here's your tip' at least then you're an intentionally funny hero." By this point, Kyle, was very distraught, his dreams crushed by his idol. Oh what a shame, but at least it's funny to everyone else.

"I just wanna be a hero..."

"NO, You don't Kyle, Being a hero sucks. You have to go through months of training to get certified, there's a whole mess of bureaucracy involved, and hero isn't even a good term for it. Honestly, we're rejects, all us heroes. We're all the people society had no place for but who still wanted to help, so we became heroes."

"You're not a reject Dan, everyone loves you."

"Oh yeah? Then why am I single, why can't I have a normal conversation with anyone without feeling like everyone's the paparazzi, we're rejects, because we can't hold jobs, we can't fit in, we just don't belong, so screw us, we help and we do it for no reason."

"I'm sorry"

"If you're really sorry you'll go home, I'm tired, insomnia is a bitch and noobs like you make it worse. Now if you don't mind, I'm not on patrols tonight, so unless some douchebag wants to fight me tonight, I'm gunna make myself another sandwich, trade in my iced tea for beer, and play on the computer, like every other night I have no patrols."

And with that, Dan walked back into the apartment building, slunk into his chair, and proceeded to do his only hobby on his computer, which no, is not porn, you sick sick freak. With a moment of clarity, Kyle took off his wingsuit, walked home, kissed his kids and wife on the forehead and crawled into bed with his wife.



The next morning, after his day job, he contacted the better business bureau, and did in a way act as a hero, by filing a lawsuit against the villain who sold him a shoddy wingsuit, interrupting the villains plans and giving Dan another night to relax, as well as gaining some substantial income from the lawsuit, which Kyle then funneled into Non-Profit Organizations to help the homeless. Sadly, a few months later, a stupid henchman working for the villain who Kyle sued, was annoyed at his job being lost by his boss getting jailed, and blamed it on Kyle, because Dan was just out of the henchman's league. This henchmen proceeded to track down our friend kyle, found the silver eagle suit and reasoned that Kyle must be a hero he didn't know about, and therefore reasoned that he should kill Kyle and his family to earn notoriety and be famous as a powerful villain, as most idiotic henchmen do. After killing Kyle and his family, the henchman was easily arrested, because he gave up, expecting other villains to break him out of jail. The henchman pleaded guilty and was promptly given life in prison without bail. But you see, established villains don't like to associate with wannabe's like this henchman, so he was never broken out. Instead, this butterfingered henchman found himself in the shower stall next to the infamous Big Al, who you never want to be near in the shower. Now this Henchman is living out his days, in a prison cell, crying himself to sleep as Big Al makes weekly visits to his anus. This is just an average storyline, in the lives of the people of this world. Dan has encountered this scenario, oh so many times in his past ten years as a hero. And sadly, idiots never learn.



         Dan sighed as he woke up, he made his usual breakfast, bacon, sausage, pancakes, Oj, crap... out of oj. "Not again. I thought I bought some last night... Crap." Dan sighed and decided to switch out the Oj for a can of beer. After he finished his breakfast, Dan went to his closet, filled with nothing special, graphic tees based on Sci fi shows, gaming, jokes, or past education. Button up shirts he wore when he felt fancy. An old but comfy and familiar grey camo jacket. A bunch of old plain white tee shirts, and some other under shirts. Jeans, Socks, Boxers, towels. Dan sighed and grabbed a towel and some random clothes and hopped in the shower. He got out and toweled himself off. 9 AM, good, not too many people could be mugged yet today. But hey, this is New York, never doubt this city, I mean if people can die form the same mistake once a week for 2 years straight, people can mug before their morning coffee. Dan put on his pants, jeans, locked them in with his belt, holstered his custom guns and custom knifes, put on a random shirt, heh I'm not trying to be difficult, it just comes naturally. He laced up his old beat up sneakers, threw on his jacket, his satchel, and then his baby. His beautiful katana, best blade ever forged, Kia Yunga. Dan slung the gentle string around his body and let the hilt of the blade point diagonally from his left shoulder, easy for right hand access. Kia Yunga has no guard, and the hilt is the same shape and design as the sheath, at first glance, it just looks like a cane, stained wood rings of light and dark alternate along the sheath and hilt. All dressed and ready to start the day, Dan skulked out of his apartment. Dan has no day job, He is a full time hero. Most heroes are, about 99%. Also like most heroes, Dan has no mask, no disguise, he is who he is, and people know it when they see him walk down the street. "Hm?" Dan looked at a kid, jittery, scared, even more so when he saw Dan. Dan knows psychology like the back of his hand, this kid is scared shitless, but of what, what did he do that seeing Dan makes him shake like an epileptic at a laser light show? Dan turned down an alley, quickly scaled a building, launched himself across the street to the adjacent roof top, slid down the building, and in mere moments, gently moved next to the kid. "You okay kid?" Dan Said in a gentle voice. The kid screamed and fell in the street.

"I DIDN'T DO IT I SWEAR PLEASE DON'T HURT ME I'M SO SORRY!"

"Do what?" Dan asked calmly. The kid just stared at Dan in fear. "Listen kid. Talk to me, I'm a good guy you know that." Then the sirens erupted. About a few blocks down from where the kid was walking, a building burst into flames, better put, Burst, and left nothing but flames. "Oh god what now?"

"I didn't do it, I called the cops, but he already armed it, I didn't know he was gunna-"

"Who?" Before the kid even heard the question, the kid burst like an over inflated balloon. "OH COME ON! I just showered! Great, he kills, he's a noob. I hate the noobs. All murderous psychopaths with monologues. I HATE MONOLOGUES!" Dan sighed and rushed off towards the building where Hydrant and Typhoon, 2 elemental heroes, were already quelling the flames. "Well the son of a bitch had to activate both remotely because they're cliched idiots so..." Dan looked around and saw shine from a nearby apartment complex window. Dan quickly drew his left gun and fired just a few inches ahead of the shine. The shine turned out to be an rpg rocket that was being fired as Dan fired his shot, the two collided and the rocket detonated. To confirm the kill, Dan scaled the building to find a corpse in burning spandex. "UGH! Spandex! It's always SPANDEX! And it's smells SO bad when it burns!" Dan sighed and whistled to Typhoon and Hydrant, who handled the mess.



         After a grueling day of knocking out and disabling petty criminals and killing wanna be supervillains, Dan headed to a bar run by a hero, for Heroes, The Inebriator. But on the way, Dan encountered a downtrodden kid in spandex. "Oh god kid, don't tell me, tried to be a hero?"

"I'm not a kid! I'm 15!" The kid exclaimed.

Dan chuckled and put an arm around the kid "Come with me, I'm too tired to deal with this sober." Dan led the kid to The Inebriator, sat him down at a table, and ordered a water and a beer. "Listen kid, you don't wanna be one of us."

"But I do, I mean I help my classmates, I've fought off bullies, why not crime?"

"Listen kid, you can be a hero, but you don't want to be a SUPERHero, there's so much bureaucracy and bull that we have to wade through just to be one, months, some times years of training, and in general it's no fun."

"I don't care, it'd be worth it"

"No it wouldn't it's a grueling boring job and you barely get any pay"

"So?"

"There's a minimum age requirement of 18"

"Train me for 3 years."

"Why are you so stubborn!?"

"Why are you?" Dan just stared at the kid and started to smile. "I like you. In that I hate you way." The kid smiled. Dan wrote him an autograph.

"Thanks, but I still wanna be a hero, I wanna be like you."

Dan sighed and the smile left his face immediately. "Trust me, you don't wanna be like any of us, do you know any of our stories?"

"You're heroes."

"We're rejects, we all have terrible pasts, we all have no futures, we all have no thing to live for, no one to live for, all our lives suck." Dan looked around the bar and started to point out heroes and tell the kid their stories.



         "That fancy dressed freak next to the giant, that's TheRapist." Dan said pointing to a man dressed as a psychiatrist, with a tweed jacket, glasses, and general fancy clothing, but the man never stopped smiling, a sickening smile, one look at this smile and you feel violated. This is a man who does not look like a hero. Under his coat, he always wears a shirt saying 'My other coat is your ass'. "TheRapist is a psychopath, worst of the worst, his name says it all. His real name is Jack, he used to have a wife, he was a psychologist. Very successful, renowned, often called upon when people pleaded insanity. One day, he gets called upon, deems the guy a sick psychosociopath, but completely sane. Guy goes to prison but swears vengeance. One of my enemies broke into the prison to spring some cohorts, and this guy gets loose, before they had a chance to get to Jack, he was beaten half to death, and his wife was raped to death in front of his eyes, and the guy kept blaming Jack for this, and kept telling his wife to blame him, eventually she broke and blamed Jack, shortly before bleeding to death, the guy left Jack alive because the cops arrived, he fled, got away too. Jack was in the hospital for a long time, comatose. During which time, the son of a bitch got arrested. When Jack woke up, he was called to testify, but this fuckers lawyer got him off, because the only living witness was not mentally suited to testify, you see, Jack went bonkers from the mental strain and guilt.  So they had to let the guy go. A few weeks later, the guy gets arrested on theft, and Jack just started to waste away, his life was practically over, and his mental state started to worsen. One day, Jack gets himself arrested on a minor crime, he pleaded guilty and ended up in the same prison as this guy. The next day, Jack brutally rapes this guy to death in the shower. And pleaded not guilty on the grounds that he dropped the soap and therefore wanted it. Guy hasn't stopped smiling yet. Then they decided to throw Jack in a straight jacket and threw him in an asylum, where he met our next friend here.



         Dan pointed to the guy next to TheRapist, a giant man, at least 8 feet tall, pure muscle, shaved head, pale skin, scars every so often along his thick skin, sitting there shirtless in shorts like some hulk wannabe. This man is known as Nikolai. "That is Nikolai, real name Nicholas, but is a schizo Mpd, He thinks he's Russian, he's just some freak from jersey, No one knows how he got there but He found himself in an asylum one day, calling himself Nikolai, snapping straight jackets with ease." The events in that asylum that led to Nikolai and TheRapist becoming heroes are as follows. When TheRapist came to the asylum, Nikolai was a recluse tied with chains in 13 straight jackets. TheRapist decided to attempt to befriend his new big friend with comments about his "Big Sexy Ass" It took at least a month before Nikolai would respond with anything other than threats to throttle TheRapist. One day, they just started to get along. Apparently, Nikolai could easily break out of his straight jackets but was biding his time.After about a year, Nikolai and TheRapist were bestfriends, and remain so to this day. Around this time, a new person was dropped in the institution, a mad scientist, who attempted to break out with outside help. Before Dan could arrive to stop the rebellion, TheRapist and Nikolai neutralized the threat, and left a lasting impression in the mad scientist. Not On, but In. Dan seeing their potential, spent the next year training and registering the two. "A decision I have greatly regretted ever since."



         "Then we have our own little angel over there." Dan said pointing to a beautiful young woman with long blonde hair and a flowing white gown with 2 large white wings coming from her back.

"Did she fall from heaven?"

"Did you fall and hit your head? Of course she didn't! She started to sprout wings when she was five, she got bounced from school to school till she was thirteen to avoid the teasing. After a while, she got depressed, ate a lot, put on weight, went anorexic, then tore off her wings. This occurred over a span of 2 years, she tore out the wings at 15. When they were fully grown again, she was eighteen, almost graduated highschool with honors when some jocks fucked with her again, that's when she learned she was a PhotoKinetic. She can control light energy. She blinded the fuckers, the last thing they ever saw was a scared teenage girl in tattered clothes covering herself from some sick molesters and wanna be rapists. She ran away from home, a few years back, I found her sneaking food, I bought her dinner, we talked, and I helped her become a hero, she has the most costume out of any of us. She's a brunette, he hair is dyed and the gown is just a get up to get people to think she's nicer than she is."

Angelique burped loudly and slammed down her beer. "Are you calling me a bitch again Dan!?"

"No Angelique, I am just saying you aren't as pleasant as you let on."

"Since when is anyone? Why don't you tell him your story?!"

"Your story? What's your story Dan, sir?"



         Dan sighed. He hated his past, fuck it, he hated his present too, and would probably hate his future. "Well I was never anything interesting, when I was a kid, I was just another hyperactive weirdo who wanted to impress people and spouted his over active imagination. When I was in elementary school, I was in a special school to help control my anger issues. When I reached middle school, it was a normal school, and I was bullied, almost got pushed out a second story window once. I made friends by being the class clown. In highschool it got more physical. Not fighting, no, they were too much of pussies. They would just touch me, in ways I hated, it was disgusting. Bad enough I had to deal with my own fucked up mind, no one really gave a fuck about me and all those guys would always just try to touch me, it makes my skin crawl. One day, I just snapped a fuckers wrist, it felt good, snapped another, break a jaw, snap a neck, all of a sudden it was over, no more touching me... but that one sick bitch, he never wanted to touch me, just annoy me, but he was the worst. His head was fucking backwards, I just spun him 180. I don't even know how I did any of it, I just snapped one day, then all their bones snapped. I knew they earned what they had, but no one would agree with me. They bled, not me, how is that their fault, people never get that. So I just left. I disappeared for a few weeks, a few oddjobs, made some cash to survive, but I felt guilty, what about my family?" Dan started to chuckle. "It didn't really matter, I never saw my family again anyway. Some psychopath went on the run in my neighborhood, snuck into my house to hide, my cat flipped out and scratched him, dad grabbed a gun, carpel tunnel, we all thought it was bullshit, he couldn't fire the rifle, the guy shot the cat and my dad, my mom had a heart attack, then my grandma, my brother came down from his room and nearly killed the guy but he got shot, and my sister got the guy with the butcher knife, just before he fired his last bullet into her brain, the guy was found bleeding out with my whole family dead of various causes. We all could fight, we were all very self sufficient, but one lucky bastard killed them all. I blame myself, I woulda been awake anyway, coulda killed the fucker in 2 seconds and I knew it. I had nothing left, cops took me in the next day, I was depressed and sat in a cell for 2 weeks, they didn't know what to do with me, I was gunna turn 18 after my trial date so they didn't know how to try me and if they didn't try me, where would I go. I ended up getting bailed out by this guy, a landlord, he heard about me, felt bad, see, his cousin was the psycho who killed my family, he felt responsible, so he offered to let me live with him, didn't even charge rent, Been living in his place ever since. He never asked for rent but after the government started paying me, I felt obligated. After I was free, I thought I'd start over, but how, GED? Graduate? College? Why? I didn't want that life, I never did, I didn't want life at all honestly, never did. I decided I'd walk to a bridge and wonder whether drowning or a car would be less painful, but I walked past this bank, armed robber, silent alarm wasn't tripped, I walked in, the guy threatened me, I dared him. He was scared shitless, I had no will to live, he had no will to kill, I broke his wrist, dismantled his gun, pulled the alarm and walked away. I was too much of a pussy to die, so I went home. I was just watching tv, didn't feel like playing any games, and I came across the news, and on the news I saw the story, about me, a vigilante. And people liked the idea of me, I just walked in there and stopped the guy, with ease. I was too scared to die, so I had to live, and now I had a reason, I decided, if I had nothing else I could do, I'd be a vigilante, I just went around helping people. Eventually people payed me as a thank you, I didn't wanna accept but they made me. Then I bought a satchel, then some parts, made myself personalized guns, ammo, knifes. I became serious. Then the cops started getting mad. I was doing their job, but better, and illegally. One day, I save this guy from a robbery, and I see this sword laying there, in a glass case, untouched, perfect condition, a katana, I felt like I recognized it, he saw I was looking at it, he gave it to me as payment, I accepted, haven't parted since. So now, I have my full arsenal, I have cops on my ass, and I have a shit ton of petty criminals with petty injuries angry at me. Then the psychopaths come round, people heard about me, from all around the world, and came to New York, to TEST me. They start killing people, even each other, worst killing spree since the holocaust. At least 10 of them in the city by the time I caught on. The cops were useless to stop them, and in fact a few died. By the time there were 5 psychos left, they teamed up. By then I found them, after I cut those five down, first time I had killed in maybe 2 years, that is when the government got involved. Forget the police, when I left that building with those 5 corpses, I was surrounded by NYPD, FBI, CIA, SWAT, K9, and Secret Service task forces. Oh and a tank, 2 attack choppers, and a minigun jeep. I just sat there and told them one thing. 'You're welcome dipshits.'"

"After about a month of negotiations, a bureau was established to differentiate heroes from vigilantes, I was the first registered, and slowly we multiplied, subtracted, added. The organization went global, heroes became recognized legally everywhere. And that is why people think I'm so great when really I'm just good at remorselessly harming bad guys."



         Dan sighed as he got home, he washed Kia Yunga and put it back in it's case, then he put the orange juice in the fridge, put his jacket away, untied and took off his shoes, and threw the rest of his clothing in a wash pile. He grabbed another towel and clean pajamas and prepared to take another shower when he heard the sound of flapping. "Hm?" He turned around to see a beautiful young woman in shorts and a tanktop with long flowing brown hair laying in his windowsill.

"I have the BEST timing." She said with a grin.

"Hello again Willow, glad to see I still make people happy even when I'm off the clock." Dan retorted.

"You could make me happy if you told me to go fuck myself, but then again, I would probably take you up on the offer and make myself happy." Willow replied with a giggle.

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like a cute little psychopath when you talk about pleasuring yourself?" Dan joked as he walked into his shower stall.

"Yes, this grumpy old guy with a stick up his ass who I visit every night because he has no friends other than me."

"Oh so your dad rolled back into town? And you tell him about how you pleasure yourself? Wow your life is much more interesting than I thought, do you talk to him about the last person you ate too?"

"I don't eat people... I just turned them into owl pellets."

"I bet if I was an owl you'd be all over my 'owl pellets'" Dan joked as he left the shower and started to dry off. Willow came up behind him and hugged him from behind.

"Who said you needed to be an owl, honey." She giggled. Dan sighed and started to get dressed.

"I'm sorry Willow but I'm tired, too tired tonight to have a psychotic young woman riding on my lap hooting and screaming for more."

"You can be really mean sometimes Dan, you know that right?"

"Now all I need to do is beat you and call you a freak and a devil and try to drown you in holy water and I can say 'Me!' when you call out 'WHO'S MY DADDY! UH! WHO'S MY DADDY!'" Dan said as he collapsed into the bed.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A DICK AND PUSH PEOPLE AWAY DAN! I mean really, do you really think It's funny!? Or do you just want more excuses to hate yourself, and make others hate you. I don't even know why I keep reaching out to you when you never seem to want me!" Willow screamed as she stormed out the window, turning into a giant great horned owl.



A few blocks away, a few criminals were skulking through the alleys when a shadow passed over them. "OH SHIT! I recognize that shadow!" One criminal exclaimed as he and the other fled for cover.

"What is it?"

"That's Willows shadow, you know, the giant bird bitch who eats people."

"I doubt she eats people, don't you think she'd get in trouble if she did that?"

"Haven't you heard about TheRapist?"

"No, I never heard of no The Therapist."

"Not the therapist, just TheRapist."

"Why would he name himself... OH!" Before the third criminal could even complete his epiphany as to the reason for TheRapist's name, he was promptly ripped from the ground and slowly devoured and converted into an owl pellet over the course of the next couple hours.



Dan sighed, feeling guilty. He crawled out of bed and over to his computer. He didn't have a facebook himself, he wouldn't wanna have to deal with all those annoying friend requests by strangers wanting to feel like they were friends with a superhero. But Dan knew the facebooks of other superheroes, active and retired. So he hacked into the account of one of his retired friends and set up a facebook event. A nice big barbecue for all his friends in his back yard. Dan would host the event himself but he lived in the city, not the suburbs, so he couldn't really host it. Then he got dressed and headed out. Dan trolled the supermarkets for the best meats and vegetables and sauces and more, then he put that back home, put on his bathing suit, and trolled the sewers for a special gift.



         "Hydrant, Sir! Apparently there's going to be a big meeting of villains in the suburbs! It must be something nefarious!" Exclaimed Roscoe the Rescue pup, Loyal side kick to Hydrant.

"I know Roscoe, we're invited too. It's a barbecue, calm down." Explained Hydrant.



Dan had come to his friends house around 5 am. Dan started to quietly clean and prepare the food for the barbecue when the retiree calmly woke up at about 6 am and snuck up on Dan, about to snap his neck, when Dan turned around. "Hey Flash." Dan said calmly.

"Call me Jack now, I haven't been Jumpin Jack Flash for three years now, and what are you doing in my house with this food and these... rather large dead animals?" inquired Flash.

"I know Flash, but whenever I say Jack, now, I only thing of TheRapist. And I hope you don't mind cause it's already too late but I'm hosting a barbecue here. Need to make up to a friend."

"Fine whatever, I'll help you prepare." Flash said with a sigh as he started to make some coffee.

"Thanks Flash." Dan kept cleaning, seasoning, and preparing the food. After Flash had his coffee, he took a moment and started decorating and putting out tables and chairs and the like. Flash had a large yard, some really good property. But for someone as fast as Flash, the task took mere moments. Dan kept washing and preparing the food as Jack started making salads and coleslaw, toasting hamburger and hot dog buns, setting up the grill, making potato salad and macaroni salad. By 8 am, all the fixings were done and arranged and some of the meat was already cooked.



Around noon, the guests started to arrive, hero and villain alike, some active, some retired. Dan kept manning the grill and the smoker while Flash escorted and welcomed people. Whenever someone questioned Flash as to why he was holding a barbecue, he would just claim that he missed his old friends and enemies, which he truly did. Some people went straight for the pool, some to the grill, some to friends, and the rest to the tables to eat. Around 2:30, after Roscoe got out of school, Hydrant picked him up and they headed to the barbecue.

"Hey, Dan."

"Yes, Jack."

"Why is there a kid with Hydrant?" Asked TheRapist.

"That's his sidekick, Roscoe the Rescue Pup, he can turn into a Dalmatian. Goes really well with him since they already are kinda fire department themed." Dan explained.

"Wait, we can get sidekicks?"

"Yes, Jack."

"Why did no one tell me?"

"Because no one wants you to have one."

"But it would be awesome, just imagine it, TheRapist and Choir Boy crime fighting duo, he lures in sick perverts with his cuteness than strikes with his man-ness. Then when he becomes a hero, he can be the Minister, we'll get him legally ordained and he can work with scaring minors straight!"

"You really are sick, you know that right? Besides, you legally cannot work with children, remember the court order?"

"No. Is this about that one time I drove around town in a white van with blacked out windows asking kids if they wanted free candy?"

"No, Jack, this is about that time when we fought Succubus and her 'Concubines.'"

"How was I supposed to know minors could hench. If I knew that I wouldn't have raped her, maybe just a gentle warning molestation."

"God, you can you get anymore disgusting?" Dan sighed as he continued to grill.



"Hydrant, I don't get it, why are we hanging out with villains instead of fighting them?" Asked Roscoe.

"Because Roscoe, real villains, the ones that come back and who we fight again, do their best never to do too much harm. They do bad things, in the best way. That way, we don't have to file paperwork, and they don't have to die. Because we have this relationship, we can get along and have friendly barbecues like this" Hydrant explained.

"Then why fight at all?"

"Because, Roscoe, it's how the world works, it's how we survive. If there were no villains, then there would be no need for heroes. Then we'd get no pay, and all us villains and heroes would have no way to survive. Villains get income from their crimes and get sustained by the penal system. We get income from the government and as long as villains keep committing crime, we can keep living the lives we do."



Willow arrived at the barbecue around 6 pm, as it was dying down from a happy party to a relaxed get together. She gently landed by Dan and eyed him, still upset. "Did you really think a simple party would make me feel better, Dan?" Asked Willow angrily.

"No Willow, but I thought it would be a start, step two is to say I'm sorry. Because I am sorry, I'm a grumpy bastard and I need to learn not to hurt those who give a shit about me, cause there ain't many left. Step three, is to give you a present, and step 4 is hope you'll talk to me again." Dan explained.

"Well... that is a lot smarter than just a party... But whats the present?" Willow asked. Dan then escorted her to the garage where he had been keeping warm, 3 giant sewer Rats, cleaned and slow roasted, and a whole alligator, skinned cleaned and seasoned to perfection. "Oh... my... god..." Willow cried slightly. "You know my psychotic owl affected tastes so well."

"I know." Dan said as he left the garage and closed the door so no one would have to see a giant owl devouring animals fetched from the sewer. Sadly the sound could still be heard which quickly killed the party. "So everyone, I forgot to sound proof the garage." Dan said with a chuckle.

After she finished her meal, Willow turned back into a human and hugged Dan. "Apology accepted. Now lets go to a club or something."

"Alright Willow, but just this once." Willow smiled and the two walked off towards town.



         As Dan slowly came to in the morning, it was to the ringing of a crappy out of date landline. He looked to his right to see Willow had fled, forgetting her underwear yet again. He groggily stumbled to the phone and picked it up. "Hello, you've reached the residence of someone who clearly cannot give a shit, have a nice day." Dan said as he went to hang up.

"This is the president. Please do not hang up Dan, your country needs you." Replied the president.

Dan sighed. "What the fuck is it this time, sir?"



After arriving at the Oval office around Noon, the president personally explained the situation to Dan.

"At 0-500 this morning, a small nation in the Eastern Europe was attacked by an army led by Darwin. He quickly captured and developed control of the entire country. By 0-600, he was elected to the presidency of the nation and inaugurated. This has caused an uproar in the United Nations and many people are suggesting we take military action immediately, but he has already started peace talks and alliances with other Eastern European nations to form practically a new U.S.S.R.. This presents a large threat to European governments and societies, and such, France, Germany, and Russia have started collaborating to create a task force to initiate a coup. They contacted us and asked if we would be interested in lending assistance. We have convinced them to let you lead the task force and install a new leader, as long as it is you who leads the task force and picks the leader."

"So... you guys want me to do political espionage with a bunch of Heroes from Europe?"

"Yes."

"Well fuck. Better get packing." With that, Dan left and by two P.M. was back home packing.



As Dan finished packing at 2:10, his phone rang yet again. "Hello, No fucks given hotline may I help you?"

"Hey Dan, it's Flash, I heard you were given a job by the president."

"Yes Flash, I was, he wants me to topple a nation and install a new leader, nothing big."

"You decide who you're going to install yet?"

"I planned to go through my list of retired friends I trust and pick the best one who fits in Eastern Europe, I considered TheRapist, but that would just make things worse."

"Hmph... you know... my parents were German Jews."

"Flash, you're in no shape to run to the grocery store, how can you run a country."

"I got a great head on me, I can pick a good heir before I croak, or at least instill democracy."

"We need to topple the guy first, and I know you want to use your powers, get back in the game, but it's too dangerous. Your powers have been slowly killing you. You're only 23 and you look 80. Every time you use your powers you're running into your grave."

"Whats better, dying in glory, dying a hero. Or dying like a pathetic old man. I never got to live a full life, let me live a good one."

"... meet me at JFK by 2:30."



"Aw, traveling with your grandpa, he looks like such a sweet old man." A stewardess said to Dan.

"Actually Honey, I'm 23, and full of energy, I can prove it to you in the bathroom if you wanna join the Mile High Club" Flash replied with a wink.



         Dan and Flash walked toward the bar where they were to meet their contacts from the other nations, as a strong blizzard raged outside. Outside the bar was a mime pretending to warm himself by a fire with a cup of cocoa. The mime was not wearing extra heavy clothing like Dan and Flash, which was impressive. Dan and Flash sat down at the bar and both ordered a beer and slowly drank while they waited. A few minutes later, tall pale man with piercing ice blue eyes and thick but short black hair walked in wearing an opened parka, heavy steel toed boots, and heavy cargo pants. The man heavily sat down on the stool next to Dan and ordered an entire bottle of vodka.

"You should warm that up, this guy looks like he's gunna get frostbite." Dan said with a smile.

The man took the vodka bottle from the bartenders hand and ice crystal formed on the glass. "Siberia takes his Vodka cold." He said to Dan, rather indifferently. As Siberia started to drink his vodka, another man walked in, slightly taller than the already impressively tall Siberia. This man had pale dull grey eyes and white spikey hair. He was wearing a heavy parka and cargo pants as well as boots similar to Siberia's except made completely of steel. This man scanned the room in a calculative matter, fixed his sight on Dan and Siberia and marched over, sitting next to Siberia.

"Domo Origato Mr Roboto." Dan joked at this new man, who stared at Dan.

"My name is Panzer. You are Dan, You are Siberia. Where is Marceau?" He replied in a tone that sounded angry but was more cool and calculative, almost like a machine.

"Who is Marceau?" Asked Flash.

Behind all four of them appeared the Mime from outside who put his arms around all four and sign languaged to the bartender to order two beers, one bottle of Vodka, and one bottle of wine.

"I will presume that his charming gentleman is Marceau." Dan said with a smile, to which Marceau nodded in agreement.



         The five heroes walked into the back room, locked the door behind them, and organized themselves around a small table as Dan laid out a map of the country they were to infiltrate. "Listen, this is a stealth operation, we gotta be low key. This is a very unstable area of Europe, if we do this wrong it's world war 3. We will be dropped from the upper atmosphere and will be wearing special suits that are designed to reduce reflections. So minimal radar and light signatures, We will synchronize our watches before we jump so we know when to pull our chutes. This is the most covert infiltration technique we have at the moment. After we get there... it's a coup, kill the clones, kill the leader, leave as little political evidence as possible." Dan explained. Everyone watched him intently sufficiently pleased with the plan.

"When do we leave." Asked Siberia.

"Tomorrow morning, for tonight, we have rooms prepared her in the inn, sleep tight, you get 6 hours." Dan stated.

The five agreed and Siberia and Panzer marched up to look for a room, merrily followed by Marceau.



"I've never heard of any of these heroes before, Dan, you know any of 'em?" Flash inquired.

"No, Flash, I've never had much contact with the French and the other two are powerhouses, who I prefer not to get to know."

"What do you mean?"

"Siberia and Panzer, look at them, they have so little emotion and opinion, they are literally dogs of their governments, I've seen them too many times. They focus on raw power. Siberia must have some kinda of ice or cold based powers based on his name, and by similar logic, Panzer has something to do with tanks. Maybe he can manipulate machines or metal or something. But both are nothing but machines of death. I don't like that."

"And what about Marceau?"

"Him I like. He's interesting, Must me some kinda mystic mime."

"Mystic Mime?"

"Yeah, strange people, they have no vocal chords and in exchange can actually slightly manipulate reality with their miming. It's fascinating."

"Interesting." Flash Yawned. "I think I'll turn in for the night, you?"

"Usual, insomnia, see you in the morning."



As Dan lay awake in bed, he thought about his temporary teammates. He has nothing against any race in particular, but he just didn't trust Siberia and Panzer. Powerhouse heroes like them always ended up being political tools that can only make a mess like this worse. Dan sighed and decided to stop dwelling on it. He'd get to sleep faster thinking about Angelique watching TheRapist and Nikolai. Dan smiled and closed his eyes hoping to fall asleep.



Angelique groaned as she floated above the city tailing her two least favorite teammates. When Dan left, he left her in charge of watching them because they always get into messes. "They pay me enough for this, but I'm just too damn sober to be watching these two!" She flew down as TheRapist and Nikolai ran down an alley way. By the time she reached the alley, they were out of sight. "Crap."



TheRapist and Nikolai were tracking a kid who was selling drugs as part of a gang. They had caught the kid and scared him but made him think that they were distracted and let him go. They did this so that the kid would lead them to his boss. His boss, would be a recruiter, who they could use to locate a general, who they could then use to locate a kingpin, or depending on the size of the organization, a regional capo. The pair managed to track the kid to the recruiters hide out, which is where Angelique lost them. Nikolai took the front, bulldozing walls and low ranking members and druggies while TheRapist took up the rear, disabling stranglers with acute mental trauma and checking rooms for the kid or the recruiter. In 2 minutes, they cleared the den, but the recruiter was on his way out the door, only to be stopped by Angelique.



When Nikolai and TheRapist finished tying up the criminals and the kid, they proceeded outside to find Angelique holding the tied up recruiter. "I got the info, now lets go." She said as she dropped him and started to fly down the street, Nikolai and TheRapist following close behind. The trio stopped a block from a rundown apartment complex in a dilapidated part of town.

"Hey, Angelcakes, Hows about you drop me on the roof, you come in through the side, and Nicky busts up from the sewers?" Suggested TheRapist.

"Good plan, but how about I chuck you through a window, sweep the roof, and meet you in the middle?" Angelique said.

"Works for me baby, as long as you hold me oh so tight in your arms." He replied with a chuckle. The thought nearly made her puke. She grimaced as she picked him up and flew up high. Nikolai climbed into the sewer and marched under the building, finding a pipe into the building, he smashed his way up and emerged from a toilet as an armed gang member came in to shit. The man drew his gun and fired at Nikolai who shrugged off the bullets and whacked the man with his arm, sending him through three rooms. Then Angelique Dive bombed the building and launched TheRapist inside, who took out another gunmen on his way in and quickly grabbed his gun and shot several other members in the ankles. Then disarmed them and moved on. Angelique flew at the roof and strong armed and disarmed one of the two gunmen, who flew half way across the roof. She then immediately clotheslined the other gunman off the roof to his death. She landed, tore off the door and worked her way down the building nonlethally shooting anyone who pointed a gun at her. She soon found TheRapist pushing the general down on a table by his neck.

"So! Are you gunna tell me who your boss is and where to find him, or should I let your ass do the talking!" TheRapist asked with a twisted smile.

"THERAPIST! You touch his ass and I will bust a cap in yours!" Angelique screamed.

"Oh honey, bust what ever you want in my ass, as long as I get to return the favor." He replied, sending the general over to Angelique.

"You make me sick you know? You're lucky I don't shoot you where you stand, I could get away with it you know! Now where is Nikolai?" Just as she had mentioned his name, the brute had climbed out of a hole he punched in the floor.

"I am here Ma'am." Nikolai said calmly. "All hostiles are neutralized, You should call the hospital, I think I broke some spines."

"Nice job Nicky." TheRapist said with a smile.

"Don't encourage him too much Jack." Angelique said coldly.



Angelique dangled the general off the roof by his ankle, but the general showed no fear and calmly hung until Angelique slammed him back down on the roof. "You know, you should really learn to be afraid of heights."

"Why should I." Inquired the general.

"Because we each have our own form of torture to get info out of you. I fly people around at high speeds, dangle them from roofs, juggle them in the sky, or dive bomb the ground til they talk. Cause you see, I can handle all those things, but if those don't torture you, looks like my associates here need to step in." Angelique explained. "Nikolai, how do you torture?"

"I crush their limbs to dust. I do it so hard, the wound closes into a stump. No blood. They will scream, but they will not bleed."

"Very pleasant Nikolai, now how about you Jack?"

"You know how I torture honey."

" Yes... sadly. So let's count this up. I have four ways to torture you, you have four limbs so Nikolai has four ways... I will regret asking this but how many ways can your torture a man Jack?"

"Depends, can I skullfuck them?"

Angelique shivered at the thought. "As long as I don't have to watch-"

"Then 4 it is." Jack replied.

"Okay then, so we could take 4 turns each torturing you for information. Are you willing to tell us who and where your boss is NOW?" Angelique asked desperately.

"I'll die before I speak." Replied the general.

"What? You dense motherfucker... you don't get it do you? We won't kill you, nothing we do will kill you, just make you wish you were dead. I mean are you even listening? My torture is harmless, Nikolai pinches your limbs off like sausage, and Jack? Need I even explain... Please don't make me in fact..." Angelique rushed over the edge and started to puke as Jack moved toward the general.

"Listen man, do you really want me to torture you?"

"Bring it on."

"Alright then." Jack said, he smiled wider and pulled out a rusty metal condom. "Meet Thrusty Trusty Rusty. She's my gal. Rough sharp metal on the outside, vagina like padding on the inside. When I fuck you with this thing, it's like getting eviscerated to you, and like deflowering a virgin to me. I maintain this often to make sure I get all the pleasure, and you get all the pain. Just imagine, this thing tearing up your anus, it'll look like a pipe bomb went off inside there. You won't be able to sit for the rest of your life. Then I'll do your mouth, I'll destroy your taste buds and your teeth, you'll look like drank acid. Then I'll fuck you in the eyes, imagine that, a metal dick destroying your eye sight. Do you really want that? And if Nicky has his way with you, you'll look like a Vietnam vet reject. You'll spend the rest of your life in agony, with tetanus, you won't be able to see, or move much, you'll be useless, but we will have the best medical care possible provided to you. Do you want that?"

Halfway through the speech the general broke out in tears and when he got the chance to speak he told them everything he knew and promised to testify in court.