Analogy of Life

Chapter 1

Autumn leaves portray their golden hues,
resplendent in the sunlight,
Revealing, too, the shadow of demise




His love making was done with such passion, with such force, Natalie realised, for the first time, how much strength and stamina Philip actually had.
When Natalie’s intense feelings had faded and she lessened her grip on his muscular body, in order to let go of her insatiable desire for him and in order to catch her breath, she looked at him and felt that things seem changed forever at this moment.
Lying on her King Size double bed, she suddenly felt very alone. Natalie found herself reminiscing over their time together. How their seven months relationship had flown by, how much Philip had changed her life and because of this, how May the Fifteenth, Nineteen Eighty Six, became the best year of her life: the wonderful date that they met. Natalie reflected happily on that moment, but suddenly was brought back to the uncomfortable now. She looked at the clock displaying Nine am. Natalie realized that it was Saturday, 13th December, a day in which they loved the most, knowing that they had the whole day together. They were consumed with each other, and Natalie felt troubled by her present intuitive feelings.
‘Was Philip giving his all for the last time? Was this his swan song, a way of saying “The parties over?”
Natalie wasn’t sure and didn’t know where her feelings of unease came from. Was it insecurity? Most likely. Was it paranoia? Maybe, but at least this would be good news because the perception was coming only from her mind. Or was it an insight into reality? Natalie had a hunch, an uncomfortable dread that she was never to see Philip again.

Philip rolled over to view his alarm clock. “Damn!” he thought, “It’s only five thirty am, I am not bloody due to get up until seven!”
Philip lay back down on his bed rolling and turning away from his clock, speedily and with a frown, as though he was turning his back on his lover after an argument.
“Not getting much sleep, these days,” Philip whispered to himself. He felt lethargic and if Philip was honest with himself, a little depressed with the thought of teaching. Too many demands, ridiculous amount of paperwork, no respite from unruly and troublesome children. Philip often thought of these factors, but never consciously verbalized them, let alone analyse his inner conflict, apart from the thought of difficult “shit head” children. Philip found it impossible not to think of unruly children when they plagued him weekly. Philip felt unprotected and unsupported in the school profession. It had lost its spark and Philip had lost his love for teaching, leaving him at a crossroads: to leave teaching altogether which he once had passion for, or move into another area. Philip wasn’t trained for anything else and resented having to change direction at his time of life. At 45 years of age, Philip thought it too late to learn new tricks, but felt demotivated by what teaching had become. This view was supported by most of his teacher colleagues Philip had raised the subject with. The thoughts drifted away without a solution.
He viewed the wall in front of him, gazing at the book shelf with an untidy array of various sized books, an assortment revealing different tastes, tastes that would make it difficult for an observer to assess the owners’ personality. Book’s on palm reading, memory, a price guide book on cars, how to be wealthy book, how to think big book, and a novel written by a retired soldier.
Philip wasn’t much of a reader. He had tried reading different novels but often took ages to complete them, or after getting half way through, lost the motivation and just gave up.
“I have to get up,” he thought, “must get to work.”
Philip sighed for a moment, lying there looking at the ceiling, then without warning, pulled back the blankets and was on his feet, speedily, as though he had just found a snake in his bed.
A quick shower and an even quicker breakfast saw Philip out the door and into his car. It was a fine Tuesday morning in early spring. May was becoming a pleasant and temperate month. In fact, Nineteen Eighty Six was a reasonably mild year so far. The flowers and trees were back to their glorious and colourful best. ‘Long may the good weather continue,’ he thought.
Philip didn’t have time to appreciate this fact more fully. For him, driving to school and concentrating on the road, were his main objectives. Enjoying Spring from a car or any season for that matter, was a contradiction.
Perry Norton was a typical inner suburban ward. A working to middle class area, which had a good cultural mix of people. It could be better, as in all places, but at least there was a good and visible sign of integration and a place of little crime. This is where Philip had lived now for the past ten years. He had got used to this area and got on with his living there as matter of factly as going to work.
Philip was a teacher and taught English and PE at Bishop Manford’s Secondary Catholic school, five miles away in Chester Wood, a place with an elegant name, but not much else going for it.
Philip was brought up a catholic, by deeply religious parents and although Philip didn’t see the need to attend church weekly, his parents’ piety rubbed off on him, as occasionally, Philip would find himself at mass.
He found himself in good company with his fellow colleagues. Working at a Catholic school, one had to be catholic, or at least, the majority of staff had to be, but Philip knew that being a catholic and being a practicing one were two different things. As long as you weren’t opposed to Catholic dogma, or at least silent on your views regarding them, you would not be frowned upon.
Philip tried to reason with himself regarding his attitude to work. Clarity shone on him and he realized that only three areas concerned him most: the salary, the admin and certain students, who he surmised must exist to cause tutors grief.
“Not today.” he thought, “Today will be a different kettle of fish.”
Philip wasn’t sure why he made that remark. He had made many such assertions, but his day turned out the same as all the others, mundane, run of the mill days, the kind of day that keeps you in bed, the kind of day that besets millions of workers around the world: in a job you don’t like, wishing for that well paid and rewarding career, that dream to keep you going, but having many such dreams without faith that they will materialize any day soon due to raised expectations and dashed hopes, one just became despondent and cynical.
“Today will be a different kettle of fish, yeah right!”

“Wow, that was yummy,” Natalie whispered, with a smile a mile wide, trying to keep that sense of “something not quite right” at bay.
“Such passion, let’s do it again.”
Natalie wanted more, but realized something foreboding in the atmosphere, she didn’t continue pursuing her desire.
Philip then got out of bed and made his way to the shower.
“Hey, what’s with the rush? It’s normally me that makes it to the shower first,” said Natalie, without her usual upbeat joviality.
“Well, today I have beaten you to it.” Philip said curtly.
As he disappeared into the bathroom, Natalie lay there wondering:
“What’s the matter with Philip?”
Natalie felt something wrong but was not able to think of anything that was responsible for Philips’ aloof behaviour. ‘He was ok yesterday’ she thought, ‘in fact we had a wonderful time’.
Natalie quickly dismissed her concerns. “It’s probably my hormones again,” she thought, “sometimes I have the intuition of a snail.”
She smiled to herself at having such a silly thought. She stretched and yawned and settled down to thinking of Philip “giving her a good seeing too” as he used to crudely put.
Natalie heard the water stop rushing from her en suite bathroom. “Philip has finished his shower now,” she thought. “I kinda feel in the mood again.” She smiled and gently fondled her breasts, feeling her femininity. She was now awash with enormous desire for Philip again.
The bathroom door swiftly opened and Philip stepped out, wearing Natalie’s pink bath robe. Philips’ blue robe was in the wash as he got flecks of paint on in it whilst painting the boiler utility room, recently. Natalie smiled at how funny and cute Philip looked. Philip was serious looking and did not respond to Natalie’s smile, instead closing the door behind him, he sat down on his side of the bed, avoiding eye contact, and routinely got dressed, putting his socks on swiftly: and in total silence.
“Are you in a rush to be somewhere? You don’t have to be away yet. It’s Saturday and you are free all day, remember?”
Natalie sat up placing her arms around him, a little puzzled.
Philip hesitated a moment, before stammering: “I er, forgot somewhere I need to be.”
Natalie turned his face around towards hers and whispered, “Those other women, ay?”
Natalie joked, as she often did. Philip was a fairly good looking guy with a charm that wooed plenty of women. Natalie was trying to appear confident and detached with her comments about other women, but this was all a façade. The truth was that she was feeling vulnerable and insecure and in need of reassurance.
Philip didn’t respond. He was getting dressed as though he was late for work, or somewhere he needed to be in a rush.
Natalie became concerned again.
‘What’s the matter, Philip? Something’s wrong, I know it.’
Philip still avoiding her eyes, looking disturbingly shifty, paused for a few moments and finally broke the silence saying with a hesitant and nervous tone: “It is over Natalie. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, so I’m leaving!”
Natalie sat up abruptly, and in shock. The blanket fell to her lap, exposing her upper nakedness.
Natalie was always proud of her figure and was always into fitness. She was lucky in not having to worry about putting on too much weight.
Natalie, for the last five years, worked out at the gym 2 days per week without fail. She worked hard on gaining her hour glass figure, with her toned and flat stomach, which showed off her C cup to perfection. Natalie certainly had the physique and looks of a model but never felt the passion to pursue this avenue. She was a modest woman and often covered herself. It was the way she had been brought up. Modesty was not exactly on her mind on hearing the bombshell coming out of Philips’ mouth.
“What do you mean, it’s over? It was always you that said we should continue. I just wanted you to be happy, but things have changed, as you know.”
“Yes, I do know.” Philip murmured.
He sat down beside her. He hated these moments. He had been in several relationships that had not worked out and it was always the woman that ended it. He didn’t have the heart to break up, even when it was the right thing to do. Philip was unashamedly a Leo, loyal to the last.
“We should not have started this. It has been unfair to everyone.”
Natalie looked at him, resignedly and agreed. “I know I am still technically married, but as you know I am working on this. Look, what we have is special, really special.”
Natalie reached out her hand to him and gently squeezed it, Philip mirrored her back.
“It has been wonderful. Seven glorious months together. You have been wonderful, Natalie, and I have been very fortunate to have found you. But it’s not right, to your daughter and to you.”
“We are coping, darling. I have no husband, Philip. We have never been an item for years. I have told you this. My divorce is not far away now. You just have to be patient, that’s all honey.”
Natalie whispered in her soft feminine tone, which always made Philip smile. Natalie’s voice was another of the qualities she had. He was turned on just by her voice, her voice was “Joanna Lumley” like, sensual and velvety, it didn’t matter what she said. Everything sounded beautiful. Natalie knew this and often used her voice to get her own way. This time, with Philip, she wasn’t in the frame of mind to manipulate, this moment was too serious to use strategies. It was time to play it straight: all cards on the table.
“What else do you want me to do?”
Philip looked at her, “I just said. I want us to finish.”
Natalie linked his hand.
“This is not what you truly want, though, is it?”
“Yes, it is. I have thought it through. We need to finish it now.”
Natalie started to cry. Her tears rolled freely down her face. She wasn’t one to reveal her emotions. Natalie was a strong woman and had had certain situations in her life to prove it. This, however, wasn’t the time to bottle things up.
“But I love you, Philip.”
Philip tried to ignore Natalie’s tears and what she had just said. But he couldn’t. He turned round and seeing his lovers’ tear sodden eyes and hearing her trembling voice, he responded: “I love you, too, Natalie, and this is the reason we must end it.”
“We can work something out. I know we can. Let us commit today, and work harder. You are worth it, and I hope you think that I am.”
Philips’ eyes began to well up now. The situation became too painful for him. He hated breakups, and this one was breaking his heart.
For a moment he thought of the great times. These tugged at him violently. His heart was saying “yes, take Natalie now,” but his head was saying “walk away.”
“We have come to the end, Natalie. We need to stop kidding ourselves.” Philip finally got dressed. Natalie was still crying. Philip was feeling dead inside. He knew that to leave her would be death to him. It was all so hopeless.
“Let me go please, Natalie. You will look back at this time and think it was the right thing to do, time will prove me right.”
“What has brought this on, Philip? I need an explanation. You have acted very strange this morning. I don’t understand it.”
“I just can’t go through all this shit anymore. There doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. Our bickering, our break ups and Pete’s interference. I don’t think we were meant to be together.”
“Don’t leave me, darling. Of course we are meant to be together. I only want you. You are always what I wanted.”
Philip looked at her and Natalie knew what he was thinking.
“When you split up with me in August, I felt very hurt by you You know how terrible I felt. I wanted you so much.”
She remembered the split up again and burst out crying. She found it difficult to look at Philip, but murmured words from the centre of her heart: ‘I felt lost and felt that you didn’t love me. When we had that row, my world caved in around me.”
Philip looked at her with real sympathy.
“I was a stubborn bastard then”, he said. “we were only apart for three weeks. Many couples have been apart for much longer.”
‘You were gone for three weeks, darling, but it felt like an eternity. I thought that our split was final, that’s why I was so upset, hurt and angry.’
Philip looked at Natalie and saw the fear in her eyes.
Philip kept his composure and uttered: “We are just going around in circles. Pete is dragging his heals on your divorce. I can’t stand these complications. I just want a normal relationship, not this charade.”
At this, Philip stood up and removed Natalie’s strong grip around his hands. Philip was in a daze as he made his way to the door. Natalie was sobbing uncontrollably now and pleading with him to stay.
Philip closed his hearing. “I need to go”, he thought, “Be strong Philip. Don’t turn back. Don’t listen to her”
As Philip reached out with his hand to turn the door, Natalie’s pleadings seemed deafening. Over and over again he heard his name being called. “Philip, Philip, don’t leave me.”
“Get out of this mess now. Turn the bloody handle and run.”
Philip opened the door, and without looking back closed it quickly behind him. Natalie was still pleading with him to stay. “Philip, Philip…”
Philip was out the room now.
“I have done it,” he thought, with no sense of celebration. Before the door finally closed on his relationship, he heard three devastating words of Natalie that froze him to the floor and would change his life forever:
“I am pregnant!”


Chapter 2

Fate falls upon us all,
without an invitation;
enhance or spoil, with such deliberation




Another shift over, Philip made his way down to his car which he parked on Holford road some 200 yards from his school due to the car park being cordoned off for façade reservation work - and found his car with a bump on the side.
“Bastard!” he thought. “You can’t park your car anyway these days. Cowardly bastards, how can someone bump your car and piss off?
In all honesty, deep down, Philip understood that a lot of people would have done the same. If no one is around and they can get away with it, why not? Philip was aware that he might even do the same. Even though he had never been in such a situation, he realized that cynicism had removed much of the honesty within him, if indeed he ever had any.
This didn’t help him. He expected double standards. Whoever was responsible for this needs to stand up to their responsibilities like a man. What Philip thought he might do was irrelevant.
As he got into the car, he looked around one final time to see if anyone was going to admit blame or if any witness was going to come forward.
No one did.
Philip started up his car and drove forward and noticed a paper lodged on his windscreen.
“Bloody salespeople, bloody flyers.”, he muttered aloud, driving all the way home, ignoring the flyer pinned to his windscreen, anxious to get through the rush hour traffic.
The traffic wasn’t too bad this evening. No rhyme and reason to some things, Philip thought.
When Philip arrived home, he reached into the back to pull out some bags, along with his brief case: “more home work.” he sighed, “who would be a teacher?”
Philip walked around the front of the car and again noticed the flyer. He reached out and grabbed it ready to crunch it and bin it, when he realised that it wasn’t a flyer after all but some note paper.
Philip scanned it. It was hand written.


“So sorry for bumping your car!”
No one was around, so I left my
Number. 07705888933
Call me any time after 6pm.
Regards,
Natalie.”

Philip was still angry, but a wave of emotion flowed through his body: “Human decency still exists,” he thought.
By the time he had finished his tea and settled down in front of his TV, he remembered the note. He dialed the number and it eventually went to voice mail. “Damn,” Philip thought, “don’t want to leave a bloody message. I want this sorted.”
He put the phone down and thought about ringing in twenty minutes or so, later, only he didn’t. Philip had had such a tiring day at work, it all crept up on him and he dozed off…..for four hours!
When Philip eventually woke up he was in such a mood that his evening was over, and felt that he was not in the right frame of mind to make the phone call to Natalie. It would be better to call tomorrow. Wednesday was a quieter day generally for Philip than Tuesday. It was one of his rare chill out days, where he could unwind after most of the paperwork and preparations were completed on Sunday evening . Monday was busy due to the handing out of marked work, and generally the giving of new instructions. Tuesday was a day to insure everyone had received their work and that they understood it. Wednesday was a general calm between two storms: a middle of the week respite – but not always.
With that in mind he flicked around the TV channels, made a final cup of tea, before conceding defeat and going to bed.

Philip stopped in his tracks. Stunned.
“You’re kidding,” he said, as he turned back into the room.
Natalie looked at him with a dual look of disdain and confusion. “Yes, I have had two tests. I am really pregnant.”
Philip sat down at the side of the bed and reached out his hand to her. Natalie’s hand remained motionless.
“What are you going to do?” Philip asked automatically, not fully behind the words, following the lead of many a soap opera, the kind of question that needs to be asked in such situations. The kind of question to raise the drama. Philip and Natalie were certainly caught up in a drama, but this wasn’t scripted and rehearsed. This was real. The “shit” we call life, and it was happening now.
“It should be what are we going to do?” Natalie asked sternly, “But it’s ok, I can sort this out on my own. I mean, you were just in the process of leaving me, remember?”
Philip looked at her with a stern look to match Natalie’s previous one. “Don’t be flippant. You can’t casually dismiss me now that you have dropped this bombshell. Your timing could not be more controlling.”
“What do you want me to do? Wait for the right moment, just so you will feel better? I don’t think so. News doesn’t wait for the right moment. It happens all by itself. Accept it Philip.”
Philip and Natalie sat on the bed angled away from each other, with no eye contact being made. Sat there like incorrectly set bookends.
“This has changed everything,” whispered Philip.
“Poor you.” rasped Natalie
“Look, here”, said Philip, trying hard to keep his calm. “You are pregnant and I am trying to come to terms with it, okay? Besides, there is one thing I am certain of and it’s this: I am going to support you and stay with you. That is final.”
Natalie glanced briefly at Philip. She felt a wave of emotion and attraction rush through her body. Philip was being assertive again. This was one of the factors that Natalie liked in him, but all too often had become hidden within his selfishness.
Philip looked at her, too. He wanted to reach out to her in this scary and uncomfortable truth. He repeated to Natalie again: “I will stay with you and support you, afterall I…..”
“Afterall you feel it’s the right thing to do. Well that is hardly the right reason, is it?”
Philip looked at her again. Natalie’s eyes caught his. They held their gaze. “After all I love you.”
Natalie felt tears well up in her eyes and wanted badly to hold him. Philip had the same thoughts and grabbed her tightly and held Natalie to himself. Natalie began to weep.
“It’s ok, darling,” Philip said, “I am not going to leave you.”
“But you were,” Natalie whispered.
Philip held her more tightly. “Yes I was, because I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what, Philip?”
“Afraid of what it means to love you. That is what I was running away from. My commitment to you, Natalie. I’m sorry I was so weak and selfish. But you being pregnant has changed all that.”
“Why should it change things between us?”
Philip looked softly into Natalie’s eyes: ‘Because I was looking for a strand to keep us together. I wanted so much for us to be an item, but too many things were against us. You going through a messy divorce, your husband going to such lengths to discredit you,’
‘You being pregnant has restored the balance in our favour. And I am so thankful for this event. I now know that we are meant to be together.”
Philip held Natalie’s hands close to his chest, and looking deep into her eyes, asked her: “Do you truly love me, Natalie?”
“Yes, of course, Philip”
“I need to feel reassured, darling. I feel so messed up recently. I need you to tell me often and also how much.”
Natalie lifted her hand and placed it onto Philips’ cheek: ‘With all my heart, Philip, with all my heart. I am sorry I haven’t told you more often. I guess I didn’t want to cheapen the words”
“Philip smiled lovingly at Natalie. “My heart is all yours, Natalie. I promise I will never leave you again.”
Philip and Natalie got into bed together and held each other close for hours, gazing into each others’ eyes, without words, and without action, until they finally fell asleep.

Philip woke up or the alarm clock woke him up. Philip wasn’t sure. Either way, he was reminded that work was beckoning. He thought to himself, “I need to get another job. This is doing me no good.”
Philip finished off his breakfast and then proceeded to his car. He noticed the bump on his bumper.
“I must ring her tonight. As soon as I get home!”
Some of his students were being their usually awkward selves.
“You’re not getting at me today,” he thought, and continued with his teaching with a cool persona. The drip drip remarks of the unruly students had no effect on him. Philip had his elephant skin on today, and he smiled to himself and inwardly congratulated his detachment.
When Philip finished his day at school, there was a pressing matter in his mind. “Remember to phone that woman!” he ordered. “She won’t be in til 6pm, so I have some time to unwind, make my tea and stuff,” he thought, “just don’t go to sleep.”
Six pm finally arrived, and Philip reached for the phone. “I don’t won’t to be too keen, he thought. “I can wait a few moments.”
Ten minutes passed by. Philip had finished his coffee, preferring it to his usual tea. Coffee for some reason suited this moment. Philip picked up the phone, picked up the note with the phone number on and dialed.
Six rings passed and then someone answered.
“Hello?” A feminine voice asked.
“Hello”, Philip replied, “can I speak to Natalie?”
“Speaking.”, came the reply.
“Hello, Natalie. You left me a note.”
Natalie appeared a little puzzled. “Did I?”
“Yes, you did. You bumped into my car the other day.”
“Oh, yes. I left a note on your car. I was hoping you would get it. I wasn’t so sure when you didn’t call yesterday.”
“Yes, I got your note ok, thanks. I called once but I couldn’t get through. And then I had work stuff to do.”
“Yes, work stuff.”
Natalie repeated his comment and smiled at the same time. “So, about your car. Have you had it checked yet?”
“No, not yet. I will have it checked into a garage at the weekend.”
“That’s fine. I am sorry for the inconvenience, I just misjudged my reversing. I feel angry at myself.”
“That’s ok,” said Philip, “that makes two of us.”
Natalie felt the softness in Philips’ voice. He wasn’t angry. He appeared to be in good humour. The conversation was running a lot smoother than she thought it would, and had no time to pour herself a glass of wine, as she did yesterday, in preparation for the potential onslaught.
Philip was somehow warming to Natalie. He liked her voice. In fact, the more he listened to her, the more he fell for it. Philip found it soft and calming. Feminine and sexy. A winning combination.
There were many aspects to a woman Philip liked but two that stood out from all the others was a woman’s voice and her lips. Philip was unlikely to see the latter, but nonetheless, he imagined what Natalie’s lips might look like.
Natalie warmed towards Philip, too. Perhaps it had something to do with psychology. She expected an awkward phone call and it didn’t materialize.
Natalie stuck her neck out as she was feeling very comfortable with Philip, and as the conversation continued agreeably, Natalie had an urge to make a request. ‘What the hell, she thought.’
“I thought originally that you could send me the quote through the post and that I would send you a cheque…,
Philip thought: ‘that sounds good to me.’
‘But I think that is very clinical, don’t you think? The least I can do is invite you over for a coffee. And that way we can leave on good terms.”
Natalie was surprised at her forwardness.
Philip was taken aback, too.
“You are inviting a stranger to your house?” I wouldn’t normally recommend that, I could be your worst nightmare!”, drawling out the words slowly and deeply like the voice over’s you get when films are advertised at cinemas.
Natalie laughed. “I think I can trust you,” she replied. “This is my way of saying sorry, and besides it’s better to be amicable and not bitter, unless you would prefer me to send you the cheque?”
Philip was not bothered one way or the other.
“As long as I get a cheque, it doesn’t bother me what way I get it.”
‘Okay, you can give me a quote for your car and I can write out a cheque, unless you would prefer cash?”
“A cheque will be fine. So when are you inviting me over for this date?”
“I beg your pardon?”
Natalie was shocked by Philips’ forwardness but equally drawn to it, too.
“Just kidding.” Philip felt a little peevish. “I’ve gone too far” he thought. “It’s just my strange sense of humour. Take no notice.”
“Yes, I would agree with you. Well how about tomorrow, Thursday, or is that too short notice?”
Philip thought for a moment and reflected what he had planned for the week.
“Yes, that should be okay. I tend to stay in on Thursdays, spend some time on Friday lesson plans.”
“If it’s inconvenient, we can change the days?’
Philip assured Natalie that Thursday would be fine.
‘Will eight o’clock be okay with you?’
‘Eight sounds good.’
“I will give my address. Have you got a pen?”
Philip looked around for a pen. “Where do they bloody go”, he thought to himself. He finally found one under a bank statement.
“Fire away.”
“123 Cliveden Crescent, just off Stantham drive, High Aston”
“My, you are posh,” he thought and proceeded to complete the address.
“I will see you Thursday, then,” said Philip, with a sense of bemusement.
“Yes. Look forward to it. Bye ”, Natalie replied and quickly hung up.