Painting Tusculum

Charlie looked up, into the deep blue of the night sky. There were no stars out tonight; there never were in the city. They always seemed to hide just beyond the clouds of light emanating from street lamps and vacant, neon signs reading “Closed.” After spending the past few months in his house on the outskirts of Boston, he was used to the blank canvas set above him. Still, he couldn’t help but miss the little bastards.

“Who you waiting for?” Jimmy walked up the stairs, towards where Charlie was sitting. He looked a little tired, maybe anxious, but otherwise, it was the same old blonde hair, blue eyed kid Charlie had known and been best friends with for the past seven years.

“Godot, you asshole. Where’ve you been?”

Jimmy was used to Charlie acting like a smartass but he still let out a quick chuckle. “I got caught in traffic, sorry. What are you doing out here though? Why aren’t you inside?”

“It’s too hot in there,” Charlie replied, taking a deep breath of the cool, autumn air. “My roommates love to crank up the heat at night. I can’t stand it. Besides,” Charlie looked around, “I like it out here. It’s relaxing, helps me think.”

“If only your momma could see you now, thinking and everything. Why, she’d be so proud. Maybe I should call and tell her that you’re becoming a big boy.”

Charlie couldn’t help but smirk. “Fuck off,” he said with a laugh, “I’m a fucking Socrates and you know. But be my guest, give her a call. She’d whoop you hard for waking her up though.”

“Damn straight she would.” Jimmy let the words hang there as he followed Charlie’s eyes up into the night sky. After a moment, he asked, “So what’s so important that you call me up this late to get me over here?”

“I’ve just been thinking, man.”

“Yeah, I got that. Thinking about what?”

“The same old usual shit. Ya know, life, death, taxes.”

Jimmy let out a small sigh, “You tryin to make it that kind of night?”

“I guess it depends. If you want, we can just hang out and have a few brews but…I don’t know, we always do that. We haven’t had a deep conversation in awhile.”

“Jesus Christ, who are you, my girlfriend?”

“She has a name you know,” Charlie reprimanded, hoping to annoy Jimmy.

“Gee thanks, I know but if I just said Molly, the readers would have been confused,” Jimmy narrated.

Charlie rolled his eyes. Jimmy had recently been on this whole kick about breaking the fourth wall. He believed that someone or something somewhere was always watching him, like he was some character in a book. It got annoying real quickly when he would explain why he did everything. Of course, he would always laugh afterwards but only so no one would call the men in white coats.

“When are you gonna get over this fucking phase?”

“Hey man, if there is some God or whatever watching, I might as well be entertaining. Besides, what else is talking to yourself but breaking the fourth wall of life? I mean sure, there are no cameras, but you get the idea.”

“Wow…sometimes, you just make me wonder.”

“Be that as it may, if we’re gonna have a real conversation, I’mma need a beer. You want one?” Jimmy looked at him expectantly.

“Yeah sure, grab me whatever’s cold.”

As Jimmy went inside, Charlie reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He grabbed one, lit it, and took a deep breath. He had been good all day; this was his first. He could feel the nicotine rushing into his lungs, through his bloodstream, and straight to his brain.

“Yo, can I bum one?” Jimmy asked as he walked out from the house and onto the steps. He handed Charlie a beer in exchange for the cigarette.

“Do you ever buy your own pack?”

“I like yours better. It’s something about free that just tastes so good.”

Charlie punched him in the arm, “You’re an ass.”

For a few minutes, the two of them sat there, looking at the houses across the street, intermittently sipping their beer or taking a drag.

“You ever think about death?” Charlie finally asked. It had been on his mind all night but he hadn’t had a chance to talk to anyone about it. It was too touchy of a subject to bring up around his other friends.

“Yeah, I suppose. I mean every once in a while it creeps into my thoughts but that’s about it. Why?”

“I don’t know, sometimes I just like being morbid I guess. With everything that’s been going on around the world, I don’t know, it seems like it’s always just right behind us, lurking in the shadows.”

“You’ve been watching too many scary movies dude. I know what you mean though. Is there anything specifically that you wanted to talk about? He inquired inquisitively.”

Charlie let out a small laugh at his friend’s self-narration. “You seriously need to get your head checked. But it’s weird is all, the whole permanence thing and everything. It’s one of the most important decisions in a person’s life that barely anyone gets to choose.”

“You can’t really call it a decision, can you? I mean sure, some people get to choose when to go but it’s not really a decision you get to make.”

“But why not?” Charlie asked.

Jimmy picked up his beer can and swirled its contents, a habit he’d developed for when he was deep in thought. “How do you mean?”

“Alright, how about this. Why don’t most people choose to go when they want to? Why is that so bad?”

“Damn dude, you depressed or something?”

“No, not at all. Like, looking at it philosophically or rationally, we’re born, we live, and then we die. None of us really has a say over any of it though. All I’m asking is that, if death is such a huge part of life, why shouldn’t people get to choose when to meet it. When you think about it, it’d be the only real choice a person would ever get to make.” Charlie looked at Jimmy, waiting for his answer, almost expecting him to prove the argument wrong.

“I never thought of it like that,” was all Jimmy said.

“Anytime I bring it up to people, they automatically think I’m suicidal. It’s not like that though. I’m just curious as to why more people aren’t…to a degree.”

“Most people want to live as much as they can. It’s our natural instinct to survive.”

“Yeah, I suppose so but sometimes I just think that’s fucking stupid. If it were me, and I had lived a good and full life, I’d want to make that final decision on my own. I’m sick of letting the universe make my decisions for me.”

At that, Jimmy laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Charlie asked him.

“Nothing, it’s just that old argument between religion and atheism.”

“Oh yeah, cause I know exactly what you’re talking about. Not like there’s a million different disagreements between the two.”

“Okay, how do I phrase this? The reason most people don’t want to kill themselves is because it goes against natural instinct. Yet one of the arguments between religion and atheism is that, if there is no God, what makes living worthwhile? The way you’ve been talking just reminded me of that. If life is worthless then ipso facto so are everyone’s decisions.”

“Well that’s just fucking stupid too.”

“How so?”

“You know exactly why, you’re a bright kid,” Charlie told him.

The compliment caught Jimmy off guard. They never really complimented each other. Their friendship was more based on mutual respect and shitting on each other’s lives.

“Aw thanks, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal. Don’t tell me you’re going soft on me,” Jimmy replied with a shit eating grin.

“Don’t read too much into it.”

“The reason I asked was because I wanted to hear your reasoning.”

“Life’s a beautiful thing-”

“Says the man preaching for suicide,” Jimmy butted in.

Charlie just ignored him and continued, “That shouldn’t be wasted. Think about it, if you don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, than this,” he gestured to everything around them, “Is all we have. It makes life that much more precious.”

“Wow, talk about your complete one-eighties.”

“Look, what I was talking about before was that, when the time came and you knew it, it would be dumb not to ‘pull the plug’ so to speak. Before that though, there’s a lot to get from life, God or no.”

“I see what you’re saying.”

Jimmy shivered as a gust of wind blew through the street. He pulled his jacket around him, zipping it all the way to the top.

“Cold?” Charlie asked, flicking the remainder of his cigarette into the little patch of green he called a front yard.

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I just need some more beer,” Jimmy said, taking a sip from the almost empty can. Jimmy followed Charlie’s lead and put his cigarette out on the brick steps before tossing it into the street. “All this talk of life, death, and the universe and we’re completely avoiding one of the most interesting topics.”

“What’s that?”

“People. Life, death, and the universe never really change but people do. They’re the wild card of existence.”

Charlie groaned, “You know how much I hate people.”

“Well, yeah, that’s cause most of them are either shitty or dumbasses, sure. That doesn’t make them any less interesting though.”

“When did you become a sociologist?”

“Hey, if you can be Socrates then I can be Comte.”

“You look like more of a Frazier.”

“That…doesn’t even make sense. Are you calling me black?”

“Woah, what if I was? Is there something wrong with that? Don’t get so offended man,” Charlie said, muttering, “Racist” under his breath.

“I…what? God, I hate you sometimes. You make absolutely no sense, you know that right?”

“Eh, it keeps me occupied.”

“What were we talking about? I completely forget now”

“You wanted to talk about people.”

“Oh, ya. Let me just go grab another beer, I’m out. You want another one?”

“Ya sure. Same thing.” Charlie said, pulling out another cigarette and lighting it up while he waited for Jimmy to return. After a minute or two, Jimmy opened the door and tossed him the beer, making sure to give it some spin. When Charlie tried to open it, it exploded all over him. “It’s a good thing I’ve known you for so long,” Charlie uttered resentfully. Jimmy gave him a nod, kicked the front door close, and sat back down.

“Ok so it goes back to the whole religion and atheism thing. From a completely objective stand point, both sides love to feel victimized. Actually, everyone loves to feel like the victim, Jimmy explained to his asshole of a friend, Charlie,” Jimmy said.

“Follow along folks, he’s doing that whole fourth wall thing again,” Charlie responded, pointing to the air and exaggerating his movement as if there was a camera in front of him. “Of course people love to feel like victims. Victims have all of the power.”

“That can’t be right.”

“Sure it is. Think about it, if you’ve wronged me, even if it’s something imaginary, than you owe me recompense. I don’t have to back down or give in to any of your demands because you’re the one that owes me something.”

“No, no, no because that’s only true in a society that follows Hammurabi’s Code; an eye for an eye and all that bullshit. If I wrong you, than I owe society something, not you. That’s what justice is, paying a debt to society, it’s merciful revenge dictated by other people.”

“Yeah, in reality it is but I thought we were talking about people’s minds.”

“Touche,” Jimmy admitted. “I just hate all the ignorance. People fall for fucking manufactured crises and wars on Christmas. There are people that defend the Constitution and the Bible without having read either one, it just, ugh, it gets to me.”

“You’re starting to sound like one of those pinko-commies. Thanks Obama.”

“Dude, didn’t you vote for him?”

“It was a joke. Come on man, you’re better than that. You gotta keep up.”

“Damn Charlie, can you be serious for a second?”

“Fine, fine, if I must.”

“There’s just a lot of fucked up shit in the world, people, politics, you name it.”

“Of course there is. There always has been though. It’s not only that people love to play the victim, they love to hate something too. That’s where you get all these crises. It’s all for ratings and national stability. People are crazy. The second they see something different, they want to shoot it or exploit it. No one ever stops and thinks for a second though. I guess we’re all just too busy for that.”

“You think there’s anything we can do?”

“Not a damn thing.”

“I figured as much. I guess that makes this story kind of pointless, don’t it?

“We’re not in a god damned story!” Charlie yelled and shoved Jimmy, causing him to spill a little of his beer.

“Fine, you win, but now to back to our conversation. Doesn’t it at least it makes you wanna just jump off a tall building or something.”

“I think you just brought us full circle” Charlie said, tossing this second cigarette butt away.

“Huh, I suppose I did. Funny that.”

With that, the two friends clinked their beers together and stood up.

“Looks like we both needed to talk,” Charlie said, opening the door to his house.

“I suppose so,” Jimmy paused for a second, “One last thing though. How do you feel about virtue?” Jimmy asked as the door to the house shut behind them.