The Journey to Finding Myself Part 2

Kymberlee was a happy baby. She was a “big” baby  . . . for back then! Not really for now-a-days . . . but she was 8lbs, 21 and ¼  ” long. She had some problems I didn’t understand though. Firstly, the poor kid had projectile vomiting terribly and her doctor didn’t seem to think this was a problem! She said “as long as she continues to show a gain, she’s ok” . . .  yea sure. Another thing, this poor child cried every night, Monday-Friday for 3-4 hours a night! NO LIE!!! I used to sit in the rocking chair and rock her, laid on her belly across my knees, patting her back. I watched tv and rocked and patted her and sometimes cried because NOTHING I did worked, and she screamed her little heart out. Luckily, that didn’t last too long. When I began giving her some cereal with her formula the vomiting got less. When I began switching her to milk, it got even less frequent, sort of funny though, as she didn’t seem to care a whole lot for milk. I had really wanted to breastfeed Kymberlee, but it just didn’t work out. I couldn’t get her to latch on correctly and gave up after a week. Kymberlee was a good baby, and a wonderful toddler. She was rarely mean to her sister and I don’t think she was jealous. She always helped with her little sister too. Kymberlee was happy to play on a blanket with her toys & began trying to crawl very quickly! She could get on her hands and knees by 3 and ½ months. She sat by 6 months and was walking furniture by 7 and ½ - 8months. She did everything pretty early. Even potty training. She began using the baby potty in the living room around 10 months. Kymberlee was off a bottle before a year old. She talked pretty well by a year, and was day-time potty-trained by 15mos, even when we went out, and stayed dry most nights by then, but we used pull-ups for a few more months. Kymberlee slept with us until she was 9 months old, when I finally moved her to her crib, since we were almost ready to have another baby.

I got pregnant again pretty much “right away” . . . not in the first six weeks like some people, but when Kymberlee was about two and half to three months old. Our second daughter was born when Kymberlee was one year and two weeks old.

Dariyn April was born on Monday, April 21st, 1997 at 8:06 am. Her “due date” was Monday, April 28th. So, she was born the week before her due date. She was almost a pound smaller, weighing in at 7lb 2oz. She was around 21” I *think*. She was a very happy baby. My pregnancy with her was much easier and I had no problems during the pregnancy, or the delivery. I opted for having a repeat c-section, although I didn’t decide that until my 6th or 7th month. I had planned to have a VBAC . . . and chickened out. I figured the risk was too great for me to feel comfortable with it since I got pregnant again so quickly. My doctor with Dariyn was WONDERFUL. He was very encouraging of a VBAC if I wanted it and assured me that I would be adequately monitored. I just didn’t feel ok with it. I was afraid this would hinder me in delivery, so I felt a repeat c-section was the best option for me.

Dariyn was a good baby, although she could be difficult. She was my only child to keep using a bottle over 15months. I didn’t take her bottle until she was 18months old, and that was only because I was pushed by her doctor. I was really just lazy about it. Although, taking her off the bottle went much easier than I thought . . . and at that time, she was only getting a bottle mostly at bed. Kymberlee never tried to take Dariyn’s bottle, or pacifier . . . which is what I thought would happen. Dariyn liked to be entertained as a baby; liked someone to play with her, keep her occupied. Kymberlee liked to play with her and help take care of her. She didn’t like when she cried, which thankfully, she didn’t do much! I didn’t have a colic problem with her like Kymberlee, and Dariyn also didn’t seem to have any “digestive problems” the way Kymberlee did. What did happen was near the end of June, Dariyn was just over 2 months old, she developed a fever of 103.??. I had to take her to the doctor. I had NO idea what was wrong with her! But, I was scared! I knew this was not a normal thing for an infant. Her doctor told me that it could be meningitis, or he had another theory. But, he wanted me to have a spinal done and rule out meningitis first. He told me the theory he had too. If Dariyn did not have meningitis (which is discovered by doing a spinal tap!), that he believed she had a urinary tract reflux. I had no idea what that was . . .  or how it was treated or anything. I never heard of such a thing. Well . . . her doctor was wonderful and explained it to me. What can happen sometimes is the ureter tube of the kidney does not develop fully. It can eventually grow and develop safely, or you may need surgery to correct the “defect”.  We left the doctor’s office and went straight to the ER. They gave Dariyn a spinal tap. Kymberlee and I were in the ER with Dariyn, and their father was at work. I was with her when they did the spinal tap. Thankfully, Dariyn did not have meningitis. However, what she did have was a problem that scared me! My child could need SURGERY. She spent the weekend in the hospital and I stayed with her. We were moving that weekend which my husband did alone and with Kymberlee with him. Dariyn was under observation and put on antibiotics. After she was released, we went back to the doctor and he put her on a “preventative” dose of antibiotics. We then scheduled a urinary test. I am not sure exactly what it is, but we went to the hospital and they injected a dye into her bladder. Then, they look at it with Xray. If there is a reflux, they see it with the Xray. This is what my daughter had. My daughter had to take antibiotics EVERY day. Her doctor explained this kept her from getting a kidney infection, due to the urine refluxing back because of the undeveloped tube. He said that in 6 months we could re-do the test, or wait a year. I decided to wait the year. Thankfully, Dariyn’s tube developed properly and caught up in that year. When the test was re-done, her tube was developed fully, properly and no indication of any reflux. When we stopped the antibiotics, she had no problems. Because of this, I think I have always been a little more giving with Dariyn. Mainly when she was a baby and toddler. Although many people think I favor Dariyn to this day, I don’t. I love all my children equally, even if differently. Of course I love them differently! They are different children!! Dariyn was off the bottle at 18 months, was fully potty trained about 18 months. She talked a lot. From when she began talking . . . she really has never stopped! She always has asked lots of questions. I did breastfeed her . . .  I breastfed her to some degree until she was about 4-5 months old. Dariyn was 2 years 5 months old when her brother was born. She slept with us a bit as a baby too. Not as much as Kymberlee did though.

Dariyn was also not a jealous child. She loved helping with Jesse and was always trying to “mommy” him. She has had this trait always. Kymberlee didn’t much really care. She was a take-it or leave-it kind of child.

We moved to New York in March or April of 1998.

In summer of 1998, I had a miscarriage. I started hemorrhaging badly and went to the ER. The doctor did some procedure for me – just right there in the ER. I didn’t get admitted or anything.

I got pregnant with Jesse in February 1999, I believe. Kymberlee was 2 years 10mos.  Dariyn was 1 yr 10mos.
Jesse Jaymz was born on Wednesday, October 6th, 1999 at 12:45pm and was our only child born in New York. His due date was actually Monday, October 18th. He was 12 days early and was pretty big at 7lb 15oz! Jesse was a difficult baby. Demanding and had a lot of temper tantrums. He was very sensitive to clothing and textures – textures of clothes, foods, floors, grass, etc. If I put a blanket out on the grass, he would NOT crawl off of it. He HATED the feel of the grass. He didn’t really crawl. He was walking furniture by 8 months too, but didn’t crawl. He just started walking one day. He walked fully by like 11 months too. He was such a tiny, skinny little thing . . . it’s pretty comical to think back about. I breastfed Jesse until he was 7-8 months old. He was in underwear by about 15 months too. He was off a bottle by 11 months – 1 year old. He didn’t really talk much at all. He said very little until after he turned 3 years old. He had very bad temper tantrums, for many years. He probably still had them at 10! My son was just difficult in a lot of ways.

We moved back to California in early 2000.

In 2000, I also had another miscarriage. I was about 8 weeks along and my doctor was great. When I had started bleeding and I called and he called me right back himself. He told me that I could come right in and have a D&C if I wanted. I told him that I didn’t want to come in yet. I really hoped that the baby would be “ok” . . .  even though I KNEW that was not possible. The pain got really bad and I gave in and went to the hospital and had the D&C done. I called my doctor back and he told me he would meet me at the hospital when I got there. I got to the hospital & they knew I was coming. They got me all ready and I went in to surgery. I really liked my doctor. Dr. Skip.

When Jesse was 2 years and 2 months old, we had our last daughter. Jesse slept with us right up until the month I had her. Then after she was born, he still slept with us often. 

Rayna Skye was born on Monday, December 24th, 2001. She was ACTUALLY due on Friday, January 18th, 2002. She was 3 and ½ weeks early. She weighed 6lb 3oz. At 32 weeks, I had started having contractions and went to the hospital. I was put on bedrest and meds for 2 weeks. I had the same doctor as my last miscarriage. I liked him a lot and he was so great. He told me he wanted me to get through at least 36 weeks with her. He said once I hit 36 weeks, if I go into the labor I could have her. So. I tried very hard to stay put. . . I did ok. I got off bedrest 2 weeks later on a Friday (December 21st). The next day, I went for a walk. We took the kids out. (We walked a lot). We went for a walk on Sunday, too. Monday came and around noon, I had started to have contractions. I didn’t REALLY think it was really going to happen. I was talking with one of my very best friends online and I had told her about it. My husband got home from work and I had told him that I was having contractions and he was like they are just going to send you home. I was like oh no, he said that I could have her. Around 5 or so I had him take the kids next door to his aunt’s house and we went up to the hospital. I called and told them I was coming. I got there and they took me in a room and they were like the doctor is on his way, he’ll decide when he gets here. I was like oh no. He and I already had this talk. He got there . . . and he was like, so are you ready to have this baby? I was like, as ready as I am going to be! So, I got ready and went in and had her. She was born at like 9:38pm. She was a fabulous baby! She was always sweet, loving, adorable, and inquisitive. She was a well-tempered baby. She was always smiley and happy. I breastfed her until she was around 9 months old. She is always asking a bunch of questions too!

I love my children very much . . . but no one except another person like me, has an idea of what it is like to have a “mental illness” and try to be a “parent” too. It’s hard . . . In reality, I wasn’t even really grown up, and then, I was trying to be a parent too. I feel a lot of guilt now, knowing all that my children had to see and hear me go through. There were many, many times I was not a “nice” person. I’ll have that guilt forever. I can’t fix, replace, go back and change those times. It’s so hard for me to admit . . .  but that IS all I CAN do.

We moved back to New York in February 2002. We have been in New York since. I must admit, I used to wonder many times if things would have turned out differently if we had stayed in California.

Things just kept getting worse for me. I don’t even know why. I was unhappy. My husband was unhappy. My moods were out of control. I couldn’t control myself. I felt like I was on a roller coaster. I hated everything. Nothing made me happy. In reality, I just had no feelings left. Fighting with my husband made me feel “real”. I felt like I was lost in a fog and I was disappearing. I felt like I was struggling to keep my head above the tide, and I was losing. I was losing the struggle.

Close to “the end”, I’ll call it (the time where I finally seeked out some help), it was like I wasn’t even a person anymore. I didn’t feel anything but hate in me. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. I had no feeling left at all in me. It was sort of like I was living outside my body, watching someone else. Sorta. It’s really hard to explain. Other than hate, all I felt was anger. I was mad at everyone and everything. And, I don’t even know why. I have changed quite a bit since that day I decided to go get help. However, some of me is still the same. Generally speaking, I still don’t “like” people. I don’t like going to the store and dealing with shoppers and cashiers. I like stores with self-checkouts. I do not like other people to bag my groceries … or touching them, for that matter. I just prefer to do it myself, my way. 

In March 2008, I was at a breaking point. I was totally losing control of myself and I knew I had to do something. I knew I was at a point where something bad could really happen. I went to Benedictine Hospital. They have a mental health section and I talked to a doctor (psychiatrist) and a social worker there. I talked to them about me and what I was feeling and all that. They decided I did not need to be admitted, but I did need therapy and the social worker gave me some names to call to try and begin getting some therapy. One of the 3 names she gave me took my insurance. So, I began seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I really like my psychologist. I am glad that I went to see him. I am still seeing him today. A doctor that you can trust is vital to your therapy and to gain an improvement in your situation. But, YOU need to want the help too.


THE END OF A “LIFE”

Then, what I thought was the worst thing in the world happened! My husband and I decided that our marriage was over and he was moving out. It was really awful. My whole life as I knew it was over. The children and I ended up in a shelter. A SHELTER!!! Who in the world spends like 13 years married . . . and end up in a shelter?? I felt like my whole world was a wreck . . . here I was still struggling trying to get a hold on myself . . . and now I was homeless with 4 children . . . 4 children I was afraid to be alone with. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be in a shelter. I didn’t want that for my kids!

I was a failure. A failure - as a person, as a wife, and worst of all, I was a failure as a mother. How could I fix this? I couldn’t and I still haven’t to this day, although I am working on myself. I made a decision I thought was right at the time. My children went to live with their dad.
My life is STILL a mess!! Over 5 years later! I am still struggling trying to get stability in my life.

Now, I miss my children.

The worst part of this whole, is not that I destroyed my own life, and on top of it, my ex-husband’s life, but also my four children’s lives. I am heartbroken over what my children have been through and things that they have to go through and deal with now, because I was not a competent mother. I am trying to work on becoming a better mom, but the road is long and hard, and when you don’t really have anyone that is understanding and supportive of you and your situation. It’s really, really hard. Most of all, I miss my children. It’s hard to not be there when they go to bed at night, or get up in the morning. One of my children, my youngest daughter, lives with my parents. This is really not how I thought my life would turn out. My oldest daughter has issues. She can’t decide if she loves me, or hates me. She is 17 years old now … a hard age for a girl, anyways. I’m so afraid that she will do something she shouldn’t just because she wants attention. She says she wouldn’t and it’s because I don’t trust her. I have not yet found the way to make her understand. I’m sure most parents go through similar situations with their children, especially as teenagers. My heart aches to be it them, but I still haven’t found a way to make that possible again. Yet, maybe with the help of this book, I will.   

I am still homeless technically. But my life has changed so dramatically. Although I am still working on getting my mental “self” together, at least somewhat, I am “better” then I was. I still don’t really like people. I still prefer to be alone.


THE BEGINNING OF A NEW LIFE
I met someone in a not-so-good way which has really changed my life. I really care about him. I enjoy him and he keeps me busy. I know that I have really changed his life too. I try very hard to help him all I can, but also, I have been giving him something in a lot of ways he hasn’t really had. The new guy in my life also has a mental illness. I believe that his whole life it has been used to hinder him, although he uses it to get what he wants. He knows EXACTLY how to get what he wants, from whomever he wants to get it from. His grandma and grandpa raised him too, like my ex-husband. His grandparents sent him away to school when he was 8. I believe, because they didn’t know what to do for him. We have to think about this. At this time, this was the early 80’s. They probably really didn’t know a lot about children with learning disabilities, mental illnesses, etc back then. They didn’t know how to “deal” with these children. I understand him in ways most people in his life do not. With myself having a mental illness too, and having been in a marriage where my ex-husband really didn’t understand what was going on, I have a deeper understanding. I always try not to excuse his behaviors, but I also try not to blame him. I tell him I do NOT like his behaviors, etc, but try really hard not to blame HIM. He has become such an important part of my life. This is really troubling to me though, too, because other then mental illness, he also has health issues. I always worry about his health. I also worry about his mental illness. He tends to have a moment if someone makes him angry, so I worry about it getting out of control, especially when I am not around. My worst fear is that something happens and I am not around.

I don’t believe he realizes just how important he is to me, but maybe one day he will. Maybe, one day if I get this book published, he will see. He will see that even in my book, I told him how much he means to me. I love him deeply. Although he keeps me worn out, and on my toes, he has brought an “excitement” to my life. We have a passionate love. Everything between us is highly passionate . . . love, emotions, sex, arguments, just everything. I enjoy being with him. Ok. There are times when he makes me REAL mad. Of course, each of us having our mental “moments”, we are bound to piss one another off. But generally speaking, we get along well. The last few months, have just gotten a little better each week. I’m not sure exactly what that means right now. But, I am just trying to enjoy the time I am sharing with him, accept him for what he is, and enjoy what the two of us have found in each other. In being with him, I have learned to accept some things . . . I have learned different ways of dealing with and handling situations. He’s not exactly easy to deal in general. But, especially the last few months, he and I have few problems. I have learned ways to handle his moments. A lot of people ask me why I even bother with him. I can’t help who I happen to fall in love with. Yes, he is difficult. He can be more then difficult. But he and I just have a certain something together. In learning different ways to deal with him and his “moments”, it has also taught me how to look at and deal with myself and others differently. I do tend to have a lot more patience with him than I ever have had with myself or anyone else before. I still have a tendency to revert to my “old” ways of dealing with things, although now, I do TRY to look at things differently before reacting.

I began writing this many, many months ago – in 2010. Almost 2 years ago now, I believe. It’s now September 2012. Sadly, my relationship with this new loved one is also coming to an end. Really, it is better for the both of us. Our mental illnesses have finally collided in a way that probably has damaged us both beyond repair. I was hurt and angry and left I a predicament that evoked my strongest fears, my anxiety and my panic. He walked away from me after the van ran out of gas, leaving me panicking at what to do. I didn’t really know where I was, or what to do. Anyhow, this situation has turned into something terrible and he has hate for me now. Although, I really don’t think there ever was love, because I am not sure he is capable of that feeling. All I know is that still 4 years later, his emotions are an up and down tidal wave washing in and out dragging those closest to him along for the ride. But to those who don’t really know him, he is Mr. Wonderful. And yes. Much of the time, he is a “good” guy. I see myself in him – myself, just over 4 years ago when I was really bad off and before I was really hitting a bottom. Those that let themselves “believe” they are helping him. Him believing that all the people, who DON’T really love him, do. It’s sad. But there is nothing I can do anymore. He won’t ever believe anything except what he wants to believe in his own head. Nothing can change that. I hope one day that he will see, but most likely, he will not. I write this for him, and all the others out there that are like him, and like I once, believed that NO one in the world cares about you, or loves you. Someone does, but ultimately, YOU have to let them. If you don’t let them love you, you will never know how good it really could be. I know. I’ve destroyed so much over the years because I felt that I could not be loved, that I wasn’t worthy of love. But it’s not true. And it’s not true for him, and it’s not true for you either.

Dealing with loss as a person with a mental illness, is probably one of the hardest things in the world to have to go through. Going through every day life struggles is hard enough, when you can barely get out of bed and do basic functions to get through the day, let alone, having to deal with a break up, a loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, etc. I came across a magnificent book that I would like to share with anyone reading my book; it’s called “Writing to Heal the Soul” by Susan Zimmerman. I LOVE to write. I used to blog a lot when I had internet at home … back before my ex-husband and I separated. Writing for me is great! I love to write – anything and everything!! I like to write stories, blogs, and even letters! I still penpal!! – SNAILmail style! Not email as many people seem to do now … I like some good mail to come in the mailbox – stuff other than just people I owe money too. Anyhow, I came across this book at the library. I took it out and looked through. I copied down the exercises, since it is a borrowed book and I need to return it soon. However, in reading through this book, it really seems like something that will help me a lot! Just reading the exercises has provoked a lot of thought and soul-searching in me and I haven’t even begun to actually write them yet! I really recommend anyone to pick up this book and check out, but ESPECIALLY if you are a writer of any kind! I think that it will help you tremendously!! or if you are suffering any kind of pain, or loss or anything like that. The book is really fabulous, and it must have been known by someone that I really needed to find that book at this time of my life! I plan to put it to good use! I hope that you will find the book, read it, and do the same!!

I’ve noticed lots of people are “happy”, generally. I am not someone that I would define as “happy”. I have heard my mother reference that I am always happy, with a smile on my face. She doesn’t realize it’s a “mask”. For me to be “happy” is hard work! I actually have to WORK at being happy!  I have a background on my computer right now that says “It Only Takes One Smile to Hide a Million Tears” – that’s me. Most people don’t even have an inkling of how badly and how deeply I hurt. But, in general, they don’t really care anyways, so why bother discussing it? There are a few of my very close best friends that are always there for me! I love them very much!! I couldn’t have made it without them.

I’ve been writing this over a course of many months. Not because I don’t want to but because I have been trying to figure out exactly how I want to share the things I want to share. Also, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking as of late. I began to type this bits here & there … It’s a bit disorganized – which I hope will come together more as I work on it more... but it’s disheveled like me. I feel like my whole being – my whole soul is broken and I am something that just can’t be completely repaired. But I am trying hard to work on it. Know there is hope for you too! I have come a long way, and so can you! The reality of having a mental illness it that it is probably the hardest thing in the world that anyone could ever have to deal with. Or having a loved one: a spouse, a daughter, a son, a mother, a sister, a father, an uncle, a cousin, an aunt, a brother, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a close friend – just anyone that touches your life greatly and is important to you. Mental illness is a very difficult subject. And although there are a lot of modern advances, there is still a lot of stigma that comes along with people knowing that you or your loved one (which ever of the loved ones is may be) has a mental illness.







Resources:

(*Note: I have not researched all these resources. I obtained them from reading and surfing the net. You have to decide what you want to look into and find more about and see if it meets your needs).

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
Virginia Q. Anthony, executive director
3615 Wisconsin Avenue, N.W.
Washington DC 20016
Tel [phone]    Fax. [phone]
www.aacap.org1/2web/dacap

American Academy of Neurology
Jan W. Kolehmainen, executive director
2221 University Avenue, S.E., Suite 335
Minneapolis, MN 55414
Tel. [phone]  Fax. [phone]

American Academy of Psychiatry & the Law
Jonas R. Rappeport, m.d., medical director
1211 Cathedral Street
Baltimore, MD 21201
Tel. [phone]  Fax. [phone]

American Association of Psychiatric Services for Children
Sydney Koret, ph.d, executive director
1200-c Scottsville Road, Suite 225
Rochester, NY 14624
Tel. [phone]

American Association of Suicidology
Julie Perlman, m.s.w., executive director
2459 South Ash
Denver, CO 80222
Tel. [phone]

American Society for Adolescent Psychiatry
David Lewis, executive director
5530 Wisconsin Avenue, N.W., Suite 1149
Washington DC 20815
Tel. [phone]  Fax. [phone]

Behavior Therapy & Research Society
Harriet Rosemoff, administrative secretary
3200 Henry Avenue
Philadelphia, PA 19129
Tel. [phone]

Eastern Psychiatric Research Association
Robert Cancro, m.d., president
550 First Avenue
New York, NY 10016
Tel. [phone]    Fax. [phone]