Memories I Will Never Remember

         After deploying to Iraq during Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraq Freedom I (Dec '02- Aug '03) I got married and 3 months later I was going to be a new mom. I was excited and overjoyed with the news and the idea that I was going to be honorably discharged from the Army soon was just icing on the cake. Towards the end of my pregnancy I had been hearing rumors about the ever-dreaded Stop-Loss which was preventing soldiers from completing their time in service and was extending their services up to and sometimes beyond a year depending on the needs of the Army. I had a growing despair inside my gut along with the bundle of joy I was expecting as my due date approached. I feared that somehow my job would appear on the Stop-Loss and I would be forced to stay beyond my original contract of service.

         My son was born in September '04 and I was ecstatic! I was bubbling over with emotions like a bowl of ramen left too long in the microwave. I could not have been happier until my fear and despair became a reality. Shortly after my son was born I was told that my MOS had indeed fallen upon the Stop-Loss list and I would be unable to exit the military. I also learned that not only was my new civilian life now out of reach but the unspoken horror of my deepest thought had also come to pass; I would be deploying with my unit in Jan '05. Knowing the impending loss was excruciating and darkness invaded my heart. I was crushed by the news and spoke out to anyone who would listen to my situation and take pity on my position as not just a soldier, but a new mom as well.

          I spoke with the Chaplain, First Sergeant, Commander, Battalion Sergeant Major, and Battalion Commander who all explained the needs of the Army, yet noone listened to my needs as a new mother.
So, in January ’05, just 4 short months after the birth of my new child, I was looking at my infant son through the window of the white Blue Bird bus that was taking me away and I cried. I cried all the way to the staging area and to the airplane. I cried in my seat during take-off and during the many trips to the bathroom attempting to relieve the milk I was still carrying in my breasts that had served as a lifeline to my infant son. I cried as I slept and woke with a soaked uniform top and tears in my eyes. My only thought was of my son and all the memories I would never remember because of our time apart.