Global Warming’s “Sustainable Solution”?

Scientists have criticized the world’s increasing dependence on fossil fuels and instead propose a more sustainable of energy. The solution? Nuclear energy. Nuclear power plants must dispose of radioactive byproducts somewhere, such as in rivers. Fortunately, the radiation increases the biodiversity of the river ecosystem, resulting in Teenage Mutant Ninja Frogs (TMNFs) emerging from ponds of toxic goo with the consistency of green Jell-O. Yummy, I want some! Nuclear energy is superior to all other forms of energy. For instance, China’s dependence on coal has resulted in a blanket of air pollution that threatens to eliminate the distinction between day and night. The world is in desperate need of finding an alternative to fossil fuels, and the best solution is nuclear power. While we will deplete our oil, coal, and natural gas resources, the world will never run out of atoms. What could be more sustainable than that?

At the dawn of the nuclear era, the United States initiated an ultra secret operation called the Manhattan Project, which ironically did not take place anywhere near Manhattan, but in laboratories in places such as Los Alamos, New Mexico. In a letter to President Roosevelt, Albert Einstein urged the U.S. to begin researching atomic energy in response to speculative concerns about Germany’s production of atomic weapons.  Suddenly, by the infamous formula E = mc², the world transformed for the better. The United States produced the atomic bomb, and other nations soon followed. Nuclear energy soon became the centerpiece for world affairs. During the Cold War, an era of global cooling, the U.S. and Soviet Union competed in an arms race, which was important in developing nuclear technology for subsequent events.

Fast forward to a more recent example of the benefits provided by nuclear energy. On April 26, 1986, the nuclear power plant in Chernobyl (in modern day Ukraine) exploded, resulting in BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! and releasing 1400000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 particles of radioactive somethingonium-236 into the atmosphere. Talk about frying your Chicken Kiev. Because the time it takes for a radioactive element to decompose to even half of its original mass is roughly a bazillion millennia, the area has been uninhabitable since the day of the explosion. This left Chernobyl as an eerie, abandoned town that now serves as the setting for all of those movies about the zombie apocalypse.

Proponents of nuclear energy argue that nuclear fission is responsible for a large percent of the world’s power output. Replacing the current power plants with other energy sources would be extremely expensive and would result in the complete shutdown of countries that depend on nuclear power for more than 75 percent of their power. Supporters also emphasize that while the harmful byproducts of coal power plants are carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide mixed with arsenic and mercury, the byproduct of nuclear power plants is pure dihydrogen monoxide in the gaseous state. Nuclear power, which is clearly more sustainable than fossil fuels, is appealing in a world where the entire island of Greenland could eventually melt into the sea.

Today, most nations harness nuclear energy for the greater good. For instance, consider North Korea, a nation whose enlightened leaders have significantly improved international relationships. Kim Jong Un has been very generous in offering to “share” his nuclear technology with South Korea and Guam, who are in desperate need of more sustainable sources of energy. Not only has North Korea promoted world peace and environmentally friendly practices, but it has also improved the lives of its citizens by providing them jobs in the nuclear power industry. Way to go Kim Jong Un! Keep up the good work!

Although nuclear energy seems appealing in light of global warming, it is not the way to go. Humanity has experienced several blasts of scientific achievement that have resulted in profound discoveries that improve the quality of life as well as destroy entire cities. We humans are often so curious that we make discoveries that threaten our very existence. Nuclear energy is no exception. Because nuclear energy creates more problems than it solves, it should be limited and instead be replaced with safer options such as solar power. While proponents of nuclear power will be rallying for their Jell-O, I will be watching the next zombie apocalypse movie.