Zombie Hell

Scene 1

Exterior: Large Adirondack-style home. A middle-aged woman stands on the porch looking with some concern across a lawn and into the a forest beyond. She begins taking Adirondack chairs that have been leaning back against the wall and turning them to accommodate people who might need seating. A younger woman joins her.

Betty: The New Yorkers are up. They’re looking for breakfast.

Jean: I was just going to do French toast and leave it for them to heat.

Betty: They asked for breakfast.
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Jean: Where is everyone else?

Betty: In the big room.

Jean: No one wants to go down to the lake?

Betty: Everyone’s a little nervous. Cell phones out. Land line out. The TV didn’t say anything about it.

Jean: And that’s a little creepy. Everyone up and down this valley had to hear those explosions, and no comment about it on the TV.

Betty: Maybe it’s not national news.

Jean: It’s not local news, either.

Betty: That Diane Shirum doesn’t live two miles from the base gate, and she’s doing the news updates with that phony smile talking about a shop lifting arrest. The army’s got her shut up.

Jean: Don’t be paranoid.

Betty: Even paranoids got a right to be scared after last night.

Jean: I’m sure whatever happened over there will be on the news tonight. They just are sorting it out. Maybe the TV’s just agreed to wait to talk about it.

Betty: Bobby said it isn’t even on the radio. He’s called out here twice, making sure I’m alright.

Jean: What did the New Yorkers say about it?

Betty: They slept through it.

Jean: Really.

Betty: That’s what they said.

A man emerges from the building.

Jean: Oh. Mr. Mulligan, I’m sorry. I’ll be right in. What would you like? French toast, eggs, or I can make omlettes.

Tommy: Tommy, please. My family went on a first name basis. I’m fine with French toast. Anything but bagels.

Betty: I guess that the bagels way up here aren’t as good as the ones in New York.

Tommy: Wouldn’t know. But I eat a lot of bagels in New York. Change of cuisine would be nice on vacation.

Jean: I thought you were going fishing.

Tommy: We decided that we were only interested in lazy, possibly alcoholic fish that wake up hungry about four in the afternoon.

A moment of silence follows.

Tommy: Vinny!

A second man emerges from the building.

Vinny: What.

Tommy: Whadda you want for breakfast?

Vinny: What are you having?

Tommy: French toast.

Vinny: Then I don’t want that.

Tommy: You’re not eating half of mine.

Vinny: You’ll just leave it anyway.

Tommy: Just get what you want.

Vinny: Something with bacon.

Betty (incredulous): Something with bacon?

Tommy: His ex wouldn’t let him eat bacon. She was a vegetarian and said the smell caused cancer.

Vinny: As it turns out, I should have eaten a lot of bacon.

Betty: You would want your ex-wife to get cancer?

Vinny: She cheated on me, divorced me, took my kids for all but four days a month, got my house and half my stuff. Yes.

Jean: Bacon and eggs?

Vinny: Over easy.

Betty: But no bagels.

Vinny: Rye toast, if you have it.

Jean: We do.

Vinny: I eat a lot of bagels in New York.

The women enter the house. The men are alone.

Vinny: So, does anybody know what the fuck that fireworks show last night was about.

Tommy: Doesn’t seem to.

Vinny: Maybe they reopened the firing range at the army base.

Tonny: Not a chance. The old ordinance they fired out there was loaded with material that scares the hell out of people now. Just stirring up the dust would have every enviro from here to Bombay screaming. But that was military ordinance, and that was very disciplined fire. For awhile. Then it sounded like somebody handed out midnight machine guns at a frat party.

Vinny: I got a bad feeling.

Tommy: Eh. You were born paranoid.

Vinne: Except when it came to my wife. Fuckin’ irony.

The men enter the building.

Scene 2. Large kitchen with two parallel dining tables. Jean makes breakfast. Tommy and Vinny are seated at the in the seats closest to her.

Jean: So how long have you two been working together.

Tommy: Long time. I got out of the Navy and finished school. Went into the police department for awhile.

Vinny: A cop didn’t like arresting people.

Tommy: Didn’t like the idea of being in jail myself.

Jean: But didn’t you say you worked together in high school.

Vinny: We went to high school together. We started the moving business with my father’s truck on the weekend to make money. My father wanted me to work in an office, so I became an accountant. Went to St. John’s. Went to work on Wall Street. I was bored. I wasn’t happy. The two of us got drunk at a little get together night before Thanksgiving and hatched out plan. Bought a an old truck, got our buddy Tyrone to come in with us. We all played baseball together. He can drive a truck too, and he’s a mechanic. We just did it on the weekends first. It was more fun than the office. Lost our beer bellies hauling sofas. Made money. Decided to take it full time.

Jean: And you’ve been successful. I’ve seen your trucks.

Vinny: Eagle Moving. St. Brian’s mascot was a golden eagle. Course, there ain’t a golden eagle in a thousand miles of New York, but it makes a cool mascot.

Tommy: We’re not rip-off artists. Although, you can never satisfy everyone. Remember the lady in Astoria, the one with the cats?

Vinny: Oh, don’t tell that story. Maybe the nice lady is fond of cats.

Jean: I’m not a cat person. But you didn’t run over her cat, did you?

Tommy laughs: No. This old lady had these three fat cats. Somehow, she rolled one up in a carpet. Maybe it was her son. Probably was. He was an ass…He was unpleasant. Anyway, after the move was over, she unrolled the carpet. And there was her cat. Ex post facto. She sued us.

Jean: She sued you?

Tommy: Yep. Said the dead cat proved we were insufficiently professional with her stuff and wanted the whole fee back. Judged laughed the whole thing out of court.

Jean laughs: That was her lawsuit.

Tommy: Did I tell you the ass…unpleasant son was a lawyer?

Jean laughs.

Vinny: Yeah, that’s the real punch line.

Jean: Oh, but you don’t think he rolled the cat up on purpose, do you?

Tommy: I like to think not. My faith in humanity was a bit shaken up when I was in the police department.

Jean: So, you’re both having a boys vacation.

Tommy: That’s it.

Jean: No women back at home wondering what you’re getting up to?

Tommy: Nope

Vinny: Yeah, but we’re not gay.

Jean: Oh, I didn’t…

Tommy: He’s just kidding. The woman at reception gave us a room with one bed.

Jean: Betty likes her jokes. I’ll talk to her.

Tommy: I guess she doesn’t much like New York.

Jean: Not south of Westchester, no. She got a scholarship to New York University, but she didn’t like it. Came home. She’s been trying for six years to finish school.

Tommy: Working for you?

Jean. Her family’s old friends, and I can schedule her around classes. She wants to be accountant.

Tommy laughs: Maybe you should talk to her.

Vinny: She tried to put me in a bed with your ugly mug. Let her find out for herself.

Tonny: My experience is people are curious about people in accordance with their own condition.

Jean: Excuse me.

Vinny: Ever since we made him CEO, he thinks he’s an intellectual. I knew I should have brought Tyrone.

Tommy: Yeah, get that past Missy.

Jean: So, Tyrone is married.

Tommy: Tyrone’s go six kids. He’s very married.

Jean: That’s nice.

Tommy: And you?

Jean: I liked being married.

Tommy: Past tense.

Jean: My husband…he had problems with depression. He lives in Ogdenberg. Alone in a little apartment. I worry about him.

Tommy: So, you’re divorced.

Jean: We never got divorced. I keep asking him to see someone. He’s Irish, too. He won’t go. He told me even Freud said even he couldn’t cure the Irish.

Tommy: That’s not exactly what Freud said. But, I know what he meant.

Jean: Oh.

Tommy: Not that you have to concern yourself about me.

Vinny: He thinks he’s level headed. He’s still a friggin’ Irishman.

Tommy: You shouldn’t criticize the Irish, considering the amount of time you’ve spent hanging around with them.

Vinny: I didn’t say you weren’t fun. You’re just all nuts.

Jean laughs.

Tommy: Yeah. That’s funny. A laugh’s a good thing in a sad ol’ world.

Tommy finishes breakfast and stands. Half his French toast is left.

Tommy: Guess I’ll scout around.

Tommy exits. Vinny spears his remaining French toast and puts it on his plate

Vinny: Thanks!

Tommy, as he moves through the door: You’ve got a tape worm.

Vinny: And I love him.

Jean: You both seem in very good shape.

Vinny: Me him and Tyrone, me and Tyrone are the executive vps of operations and logistics, we do one move a month ourselves. And we go to the gym a lot in between so we don’t make ass…unpleasant guys of ourselves. Tommy’s idea. Don’t tell him, but we made his boss for a reason. No just ‘cause he’s tallest.

Jean: So, when I heard about the divorce, I thought maybe you were here for you. But maybe you’re here for him.

Vinny: He had this girl he adored. They were on again off again for years. She wasn’t the girl he thought she was. We tried to tell him, but he only got mad. Had another guys kid, and he went back, raised that kid. And she left him again. He finally had to face up. He worked seven days a week for two years. You know who made him come on this trip?

Jean: Who?

Vinny: Missy. Sister he never had. Promised to kick his ass, he didn’t go.

Jean: I like her.

Vinny: Yep. But you don’t wanna piss her off.

Scene 3

Tommy enters the big room. A news report plays on television.

“…attemps to remove the Viet Nam era ordinance revealed that some material had deteriorated and proved a threat. As a precaution, the army is preparing an evacuation of a 30-mile radius around the base. Civilians are asked to remain in their homes until contacted by authorities. The situation is serious but no imminent health threat is anticipated for those who follow the instructions of authorities. A complication is that pockets of looting appear to have broken. People are asked to lock doors, draw shades, close curtains and remain quietly in their homes. If intruders attempt to enter, citizens have a legal right to defend their homes, the governor’s office informs us.”

Tommy: No they don’t.

A middle age man emerge from a group who are gathered around the television.

Ogden: What did you say?

Tommy: New York doesn’t have a castle law. If someone attempts to enter your premise, you are required to escape if you can.

Ogden: Are you some kind of fuckin’ lawyer.

Tommy: No. I’m stating a fact. If that’s what they are telling you on TV, something is wrong.

Ogden: What are you, a smart ass?

Tommy: Yes, every hour of every day.

The two men confront each other. Jean enters.

Jean: Is something wrong here?

Ogen: This guy is a know it all.

Jean: Mr. Miller, please. Everyone is on edge.

Ogden looks contemptuously at Tommy.

Ogen: M’am.

Tommy: Did you see Vinny?

Vinny enters.

Vinny: Speak of the devil, and the devil appears.

Tommy: Let’s go fishing.

Jean: Oh, Mr. Mulligan, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.

Tommy: Alright. Well, let’s go check out the lake at least.

Jean: Oh, if you are going to consider any water sports. I have to send a life guard. Insurance. I’m a bit worried. Our lifeguard didn’t report to work. I could send Betty, but she’s qualified…

Tommy: If we promise to stay out of the water?

Jean: Please. It’s just…

Tommy: Promise. I like a look around, and I haven’t even seen your fabled lake.

Jean: Alright.

Vinny: No fish for dinner.

Tommy: You don’t eat fish.

Vinny: Calamari.

Tommy: I don’t know that there are any squid in the lake.

Jean: As our brochure states, fish from our lake shouldn’t be consumed. Contamination from the army base has made eating the fish unadvisable.

Tommy: I’m just kidding.

Jean: And there’s the looting.

Tommy: I don’t think we have to worry about anyone looting the forest. Now don’t concern yourself. I’ve made my way through forests on four continents. I can handle my native state. Come on, Vin.

Vinny: I’ve made my way through Forest Park in Queens at four o’clock in the morning after a heavy metal concert in the band shell. I’ll be fine, too.


Scene 4, a large room containing two beds two bureaus, luggage and fishing equipment.

Vinny: We’re not really going to fish, right?

Tommy: Nope. I really do want a look around. I want to see if I can figure out what in the news reports is true and what’s just bull.

Vinny: It may be true we’re better off indoors.

Tommy: Maybe, but do you want to be stuck in a building with five separate entrances and multiple picture windows not know what might be coming down the road to hurt you?

Vinny: Do you think its that bad?

Tommy: I’m probably paranoid. That news report creeped me out. Why aren’t they telling people where the evacuation centers will be? Why aren’t they asking people to report looting or what’s going on with them, or something. I’m thinking they are setting up free-fire zones.

Vinny: For what?

Tommy: Maybe a terrorist attack. Like in India. Maybe bigger. Couple or three hundred screaming knuckleheads who may have just upgraded their weaponry. You want to spot them just after the made the turn out of the woods a quarter mile from our front door?

Vinny: I wish you would have let me bring my gun.

Tommy: Your permit doesn’t give you the right to carry it up here.

Vinny: Doesn’t seem so important now, a little gun trouble. I wish you would have brought a couple of your toys.

Tommy: One thing about fishing, no body can say anything about your carrying a really big knife.

From his luggage, Tommy removes an oversized bowie knife.

Vinny: What the fuck is that? I never saw that one before.

Tommy: Belonged to my grandfather from his gold prospecting days. A Texas tooth pick. Basically, a short sword. Short swords are good bets in thick woods.

Vinny: Got anything for me?

Tommy hands him a large filleting knife.

Vinny: Not as good, but I’m taking.

Tommy: Very sharp. Good for throat slitting.

Vinny: Alright. I know the method.


Scene 5: Tommy and Vinny emerge from the building, cross the porch and begin crossing the lawn on their way into the woods.

Tommy: So tell me what we’re looking at.

Vinny: You saw the map.

Tommy: You were confabbing with our l’il ol’ hostess for two hours at the bar last night. I figure the surroundings would have come up. You just have to flirt with senior citizens, don’t you?

Vinny: Little old ladies like me, although, I’ll tell you, slip 10 years off her and I would have thought about it. Little old ladies think I have an engaging simplicity.

Tommy: As they don’t know what a scheming bastard you are. You never bought a third glass of wine ‘cause she kept topping off number two.

Vinny: She was happy, I was happy. No harm done. Besides, it’s not my fault that you go silent when you’re drinking since you finally dropped the hammer on Addy.

Tommy: What can I tell you? I got a lot of questions to ask myself about her. She out front of her house dancing with happiness that she doesn’t have to deal with me anymore?

Vinny: I stay the hell away from her house. Drive out of my way to avoid it.

Tommy: What do you do that for?

Vinny: So I don’t have to answer questions about Abby like the one you just asked.

Tommy and Vinny arrive at the edge of the wood, looking down a narrow but well defined path in dimming late-afternoon light.

Tommy: How far does this go back?

Vinny: She said its about 100 yards to the lake, half mile to the other side, then more woods and the swamp.

Tommy: She’s got a lot of land.

Vinny: Granpa the judge started collecting it. Her father added. Guess folks around here had more old land they couldn’t do anything with than they had money for their legal cases. They’d deed pieces over for fees. Her people liked to hunt and fish. Liked having their own playground.

Tommy: Guess she’s rich.

Vinny: Think she’d turn her childhood home into a hotel if she was. Pops wasn’t so smart about money as he was the law.

Tommy: So, that’s how she’s holding onto the homestead?

Vinny: Yeah. She didn’t say that, but that’s what I gathered. What did we get here. about this time yesterday?

Tommy: Yeah.

Vinny: Woods looked friendlier then.

Tommy: Funny the difference a day makes.

Vinny: Fuckin’ hilarious.

Tommy: So I guess we’re goin’ in.

Vinny: It’s your hike, after you.

Scene 6. The hotel office. Jean is on the computer. Betty enters.

Betty: I think you better get out there.

Jean: What’s wrong?

Betty: We got restless guests.

Jean and Betty exit.