Thus Spoke the Wizard

Thus Spoke the Wizard

I

          A splash of water as cold as an iceberg hit Jesus square in the face, waking the sleeping wizard from his nap.  The day was new and from the sounds coming from every direction Jesus could tell that it was rush hour.  Little does everybody know, rush hour in Detroit is not a fun time.  The already sketchy city gets all the more sketchier as cars get clogged up in the streets.  Horns are a normal occurrence and it would not be out of the ordinary to almost be man slaughtered by a taxi  at least twice each morning.  To make matters all the worse, a storm went through a couple nights before, and the puddles were still in the streets.

          The drowsy wizard let out a mighty yawn just as a couple people walked by him, all of whom were laughing.  Jesus never understood just what was funny about him that people always laughed at.  He looked around and then down at himself.  His purple robe wasn't that dirty.  He could still make out the stars embroidered on it.  The wizard then checked his reflection in a puddle.  His long-gray beard wasn't that messy, and his hair was not crazy either.  Perhaps it was his hat that was a bit bent out of shape.  Jesus decided that the matter was not important.  The wizard got up, grabbed his magical sack and ventured off into the dark depths of the Detroit Metro.

          Jesus found a spot to his liking.  He pulled his sign out of his magical sack and placed it in front of him.  The sign read: JESUS, THE MAGICFUL WIZARD OF WUNDER.  Under the words was a crudely drawn depiction of Jesus (he loved it very much.)  Next, the wizard pulled out his magical wand out of his magical sack.  The wand seemed to be getting a bit old, with its rusted star and such, but it did not matter to Jesus (at least this is what he told everyone.)  Finally, Jesus stood up and got ready to start his day's performance.

          "Ladies and gentlemen!  Boys and Girls!  Come 'round and see the magical Jesus perform his magicful tricks!"  Jesus yelled out, his voice echoing through the subway.  A few passerby's turned their heads and quickly looked away.  "Today I will be making a dove appear out of nowhere!"  Jesus yelled out.  Still nobody seemed to care too much.  Jesus started to wave his wand.  After about a minute or two of waving he yelled the words, "Smickle Pickle!"  And then he proceeded to jump up and down.  People were watching now.  After jumping Jesus raised his hands, "Now for the dove!"  A turtle fell out of his sleeve.  His audience laughed and then walked away.  Jesus frowned, collected his stuff (and his new turtle), and walked back to the surface.

          Jesus found a bench and sat, with turtle resting on his lap.  "Why does everybody always laugh at me?"  He said, looking at the turtle.  "They didn't even care that I made you appear.  I mean, you're no dove, but you seem pretty nice."  Jesus said.  The turtle looked up at him.  "I think I'll name you Judas.  Yeah, that's a nice name… No, never mind.  That's an awful name for a turtle.  I'll call you Lucifer.  Yes!  That's a perfect turtle name."  Jesus said as he smiled at the newly named Lucifer.



Thus Spoke the Wizard

II



Jesus was setting up for another day of magic filled wonder.  He put his sign up, with a smile.  Took out his wand, with a smile.  And then unveiled his assistant, Lucifer the turtle.  (This was also, as you guessed it, done with a smile.)  Still a little sour from the previous day, Jesus wasted no time buttering up the people in his new spot (behind a poorly-maintained Rattie Chedder's… yes that name did get past the infringement case.  But nonetheless, this is where Jesus set up now.  Deal with it.)  "HEY PEOPLE!  GET OVER HERE I HAVE MAGIC TO SHOW YOU!"  Jesus screamed.  People looked instantly, and oddly enough, started to come over.  "Yes, all of you!  Get over here!  Now listen here.  You are all going to watch my tricks.  First I am going to turn this bottle of water here,"  he pulled a water bottle out of his magical sack, "Into wine!"  People started to murmur at this.  Some started to notice the sign.  Once more, Jesus started to wave his wand in ridiculous patterns, which lasted around three minutes this time.  He said the magic words, "Wrinkle Sprinkle!"  And hit the rusted wand onto the water bottle.  The clear liquid turned to red in front of the crowd.  They were amazed.  "Would you like a taste, anyone?"  Jesus said.  A man volunteered.

          He drank the deep red liquid, "My god!  It's wine!"  The man blurted out.  "What did you say your name was, wizard?"  He asked.

          "My name is Jesus."  Jesus said, with a bow.  The audience started to make noises of amazement.  "I'm glad you all liked my trick."  The wizard said.

          A woman from the audience walked up, "Share your wisdom with us, Jesus."

          Now, Jesus had no clue what this lady was talking about but decided to go with it.  (He was never this famous before.)  "Okay, with pleasure.  Now everyone sit down."  He said as he went to pick up Lucifer.  Everyone sat down, to Jesus' amazement.  "Okay, now everyone listen.  If a tree grows in the forest and nobody is around to see it, does it grow?  I say no."  (He pulled that one from a newspaper clipping.  Or at least part of it.)  The sitting audience sat, amazed.











Thus Spoke the Wizard

III



          Weeks went by, and every day more and more people turned out to hear the wizard Jesus speak his "wisdom" from behind the Rattie Chedder's.  On this day at least two hundred people turned out to listen to the perceived wisdom of this wizard.  Jesus didn't know why.  He even stopped doing magic.  He just talked and talked about whatever he wanted, all the while holding Lucifer in his hands.  Today Jesus was asking for questions from the audience.

          "Yes.  I have one."  A man said towards the back.  "What do you think about the gay's?"

          Jesus looked with what he thought to be a wise face (which it was not) and said, "Well, I think that people really should just be able to live the way they want to be.  Even if they are gay.  In fact, I think everyone should be gay.  Gayness should be spread throughout everywhere.  Even to children!"  Jesus yelled out in joy.  Gay was a word Jesus remembered seeing in a dictionary awhile back (way back).  He remembered the definition well.  To be happy and joyous.

          The audience was at first a bit shocked out the words, but soon started cheering.  Jesus noticed a lot of men running off, saying something about buying make-up, or something of the sort.  A woman jumped up and yelled out another question, "How about the fuel crisis?"

          Jesus looked down at Lucifer and spoke, "Well, I think we just need to throw the fuel into the fire, really.  That's what it's good for.  To the fire with it all!"  Jesus shouted, thinking back to when he traveled on an old replica steam train.  The tour guide told little Jesus that the train ran on wood as fuel.  Which burned ot make the train go."  The crowd cheered again.

          "He's a genius!"  One man yelled.  "Burn all the fuel!"  A woman screamed.  "We don't need it!"  A third person was heard.  Jesus sat down and watched is crowd start to run to their homes, all very excited.  He patted Lucifer's shell and whispered, "We're doing good for these people, Lucy."



Thus Spoke the Wizard

IV



          A month goes by after the question ceremony.  People took to the streets later that day, spreading gas and oil everywhere and proceeding to light it on fire.  Little to say, most of Detroit burned.  The Rattie Chedder's was fine though.  The flame never came near there.  The wizard Jesus's followers started to number the thousands.  Soon the wizard started to unknowingly evoke open rebellion and led the country into anarchy.  Lucifer the turtle soon became a war standard and splinter religious groups soon started up.  The Red Rumba's rose up with a leader claiming to be Lenin.  Clam's Chowder soon followed with their leader, who was apparently Kennedy.  Everything got real messed up.  The wizard's influence soon starts affecting other countries.  He even somehow managed to bring peace to the middle east.  Everywhere else was turning to hell, however.  Britain soon turned into four countries.  Iceland became Greenland and Greenland became Iceland.  What more is there to say?

          Soon I got called to get involved.  My name, well my name isn't important.  All you, whoever is reading this, needs to know is that I was tasked with taking in Jesus the wizard.  At any cost.

          I managed to get into his inner circle, The Apostle's they called themselves.  I befriended Jesus, I even ended up knowing his favorite food.  Which was thrown-out pizza from the Rattie Chedder's.  But that's not important.  I got him all buttered up and when I was ready to strike, I struck quickly. I told him to follow me into a dark alleyway, and he did.  The Apostle's seemed to be having a nice supper.  Then I blackjacked him. Bam!  He was out cold.  I took him to the headquarters.  His turtle ended up coming also.



Thus Spoke the Wizard

V



          "Where am I?"  Jesus said as he woke up in a room with one light.  Lucifer was on the table in front of him.  A punch came out from the darkness and hit Jesus in the face.

          "Why are you doing this, garbage!?"  I screamed.  Maybe a bit too loud.

          "What?  What do you mean?"  Jesus asked, a tear running down his face.  The tear was answered with another punch.

          "You know!  Tell me! You're trash!"  I said.  I'm just too smooth.

          "No, no!  I don't know.  Please!"  Jesus begged, now fully crying.  I felt bad for the fool.  But justice needed to prevail!  I grabbed the turtle, who was hiding in his shell.

          "Tell me or I kill the turtle!"  I screamed.

          "No!  Not Lucifer! Anything!  I have no clue of what you are talking about!"  Jesus was now broken, I could tell.  He cared for the turtle a lot.  I couldn't bring myself to kill the poor thing.  I went to go put the turtle down.  I leaned a bit too close to Jesus and the idiot blew some kind of glitter at me.  I couldn't see, but I heard disgruntled wheezing and a door opening.  Then swiftly locking.  And that's how I ended up in the cell.

          Yes, I forgot to lock the door.  But that's no means to fire me.  Oh and so what if the wizard got away and is causing the world to end.  I can get him.  Again.  Maybe.  Just don't fire me, please Pilate!  I need this job.  I wrote this damned paper like you asked, explaining what happened.  I even gathered information from street camera's at the beginning there!  See, ingenuity.