Me, my life and how I view the world

Greetings to those who view this message,

I'm Male, 25 years of age, I live in Melbourne, Australia and my highest level of education achieved was successful completion of High School with Honour's in English and Theatre Studies. Within the last two years, my aspirations for an acting/writing career have seemed like a real possibility, which they never did prior to these last 2 years. There was hidden talent buried under a pile of self-loathing and doubt, people's criticism's and negative statements and also just a fundamental lack of any sort of faith in myself. Every acting and writing teacher I have ever had has never been able to see my burning desire to excel in these areas, some of the time that was my fault however, because life had temporarily snuffed out those desires, which made me lose a part of myself in a way. Also, when you have a problem with faith in yourself, your constantly second guessing yourself, and people will see that reluctance as clearly as day and will more than likely think you’re not worth their time to mentor and teach. And of course, there were the teachers who were just tired, burned out sacks of excrement who are so bitter about the fact that they never accomplished more, and through that bitterness they send the wrong message to students and drag them down with them. What a wonderful world.

Other than my own personal character flaws (which I am working on tirelessly), people...Human Beings are the reason I have not accomplished one credible thing in the fields of Acting or Writing. I have natural abilities in both areas, I grew up as a child with the convicted belief that all human beings want what is best for one another in all areas. That was a hard pane of glass to shatter. I started to learn differently half-way through high school, but kept a small amount of my naivety even after high school concluded. My entire life, I watched people be cruel to one another and to me, without any real justification...and I couldn't understand for the life of me WHY. It was a simplistic, natural thought pattern for me that we're all the same species, all on the same planet and all in it together, so why wouldn't we want the best for each other? Then I grew up, and learned about manipulation, brainwashing, human influence, self-service, the lust for power, the lust for money and material possessions and so many other infinitesimal concerns that the majority of people in the world have other than the well-being of their fellow man and the planet we all reside on.

Suddenly, this whole other side of the human race was revealed to me and it was overwhelming. It was unimaginably difficult for me to grasp that the majority of humans aren't honourable, honest, decent, trustworthy, loving people. Even when I think about it now, I stop and zone out for a few minutes to contemplate why humans are constructed that way. I detest mathematics and all things of that nature, but my thought pattern when it comes to humanity has always been logical and deductive, and logic and reason dictate that it would be in all of our best interests if we were beautiful to one another. Unfortunately, another thing I learned is that humanity is far from logical and reasonable. Emotions are the key factor in that point, what we feel down in our hearts can be understood, but the occurrence of said emotions is usually not logical and not in our best interests. But I digress.

As a kid in High School I always gave teachers the benefit of the doubt with EVERYTHING. Like I said, logical and deductive thought patterns = teachers are older, more experienced and have trained vigorously to be educators...they know what is best. I could not have been more incorrect. Like I mentioned previously in regards to Writing and Acting teachers, my school subject teachers were no different. Tired and bitter people who refuse to guide young people, but prefer to order and instil fear. As a 18 year old student completing my last year of school, I remember sitting in an assembly and my year level coordinator standing up to address us. She said, and I quote (with as much accuracy as my memory will allow) "This will be one of the most defining years of your life, how you perform this year will reflect on everything you do in your life henceforth". What a load of complete drivel! I believe I actually used more profound words than she did in my quote, but in simple terms
she was saying "if you don't do well this year, you will be a screw up for the rest of your life and nothing you do will change that". What a encouraging thing to say to young, impressionable minds don't you think? Luckily, when I got older and realized that teachers are humans as well with the same flaws as everyone else, I went back in my mind to almost everything a teacher had said to me and laughed hysterically, then erased it from my mind. I laugh at myself also, at the stock I did put into the opinions and words of teachers (especially in the area I grew up in), then I realize my eyes are more open than theirs ever will be, and that my attitude compared to theirs is platinum.

During high school I never let my values, principals or morals be based on those of a group mentality. I had friends at school, but I was always perplexing to those around me, I was always looked upon with the most subtle amount of difference. But I seemed to be likeable to most, so I could accept the difference and just return the kindness to those who gave me theirs. I discovered the hard way that as a kid, intelligence and integrity are not things to be proud of if popularity is what you strive for. Luckily I had 2 things to combat against that: firstly popularity was something I never strived for, because the majority of students at my school were not the type of people I wanted to be popular amongst. Secondly, I possess a considerable amount of patience, excessively so at times when, for my own good, I should not extend such patience. But patience and reasonable thinking helped me deal with the idiocy that plagued the students in my school grounds, I didn't want to beat them and I didn't want to join them...I just wanted to be. And that would perplex people even further about me. Some people used to call me a half-breed, as in I had the physical appearance and attributes of a jock, but I had the mind and thought patterns of a nerd or geek (for the record, let me note that I look upon all social labels such as nerd, geek, jock, goth, emo, metal head, teeny-bopper etc. with complete disdain. We're people with our own persona's and it’s our choice how we present ourselves, if people feel they need to label someone to better understand them for whatever reason, that's their shortcoming). So people's initial impressions of me were usually always WAY off, they expected me to be something I wasn't, and when I wouldn't deliver on that belief they would jump ship...women and romantic interests especially. I have only just come to realize this particular point in the last few months. I discovered it with the last woman I dated, we were growing closer and it seemed to be going well, then suddenly the closer we got the more she seemed to be pulling away. On the up side it has given me a unique ability to be able to tell when a woman is lying about the reasons she wants to discontinue seeing you. One thing I know for sure about women...they really do not like being called on their lies, but that's a knife I'm more than happy to twist if they are going to waste my time.

After I graduated, it felt like balls and chains had been removed from my body. I was so happy to finally go out into the world and see what it could offer me. Unfortunately at this point, I was still reeling from a monumentally bad break up with the first woman I ever loved, needless to say I was not coping with it very well. One of my best friends was there to help me through this difficult time though, good news right? Wrong! So wrong, I had no idea how I could be so wrong about anything. This close friend of mine, well she was there for me, emotionally at first and then physically further down the track. This person, she lied directly to my face when I asked her if she was using contraception, she adamantly said yes every time I asked her, which was almost every time we engaged in sexual activity. She was most apparently not using any form of contraception and she fell pregnant, she then waited 5 months to tell me so that abortion would be out of the question (not that it would be an answer, I just noted that she deliberately waited that period of time before telling me). Imagine it, you have almost always been positive that you never wanted to get married let alone father children, and now 4 months fresh out of high school you get a call saying you’re going to be a Father. And suddenly, this woman who was once your best friend turns into your worst enemy, and starts stating (without any provocation or evidence to the contrary) that you’re a horrible person and you would be a horrible dad and she is not going to let you be a Father to this child while she still draws breath. For 2 long, agonizing years I tried to be a Father to my son, but she wouldn't have any of it and she had no doubt poisoned her whole family against me, who are wealthy beyond anything I had ever known, so forget taking her to court when my financial situation is similar to that of Oliver Twist compared to them. I came to the conclusion that she deceived me to have a child to bring some form of meaning to her life, as she had attempted suicide 4 times in the last 2 years, and I do believe she harboured some jealousy toward her older sister after she had a child with her partner and was now being showered with attention and gifts from all her family and friends. I knew her well enough to observe that that bothered her. No amount of understanding could ever fill the void of me not being acquainted with my son. I'm sure you can imagine that this experience did not help me with my negative view of people and the world, and it definitely didn't help me view the female race as an admirable one.

Despite all that had happened in regards to my son, life does go on, so I continued to note the observation of myself through others...not a lot changed. I was still just left side of normal, and this made people reluctant around me, especially when I didn't meet their expectations of who I should be. I've had more than 1 woman say to me over the years "you’re too good looking to be a nice guy, what's your deal?" And each time I have heard it I have been more surprised than the last. Just because I am considered externally attractive, does that then give me some kind of locked in obligation to be a complete ass to every woman and/or person I meet? I remember thinking "wow, is this how society thinks? It's beyond pathetic. So now whenever I meet a woman, if I want to make any progress with her, do I have to be a tyrannous man who is void of all compassion?" Well I didn't care if I had to be or not, I refused to be. It may have taken its toll on my sex life but I wasn't going to be something I wasn't just to be adored by the opposite sex. Every now and then I meet a woman who is intrigued by me rather than cautious and suspicious, and I am always glad I waited for those people. It was always the same with my professional life however, people in my workplace would always be cautious or suspicious in regards to my character. Please note, that when enough people view you this way, no matter how hard you fight against it a part of you start’s to believe it to. So you automatically start putting walls up around yourself so that you don't have to watch people being judgmental. This makes it really hard when you actively try and befriend people and present yourself in a decent way. I do, to this day, have gigantic walls up around myself, but when I meet the right people it’s easy for me to lower them. Or sometimes I will get so wrapped up in my environment I will let them down without noticing, then that leaves me vulnerable to all sorts of people's gazes, comments and insinuations. Which has happened quite a lot recently because I seem to be going through a transitional period.

I had a few mundane jobs after school, mostly in the hospitality and customer service industries. Now that I think about it, it was somewhat of a natural reaction to drift towards those professions, because both are so like acting in a lot of ways. During these jobs a deep desire burned within me...the desire to travel, to see the world, to see what the grass is like on the other side. I have always been a bit of a history buff and I love reading about past occurrences and big moments in history. Europe was always my number one destination. The different countries and cultures all so close together, the architecture, the languages, the history of each country is rich and full and so fascinating. So in August of 2011, I left my Australia behind and embarked on an incredible 4 month journey across Western Europe. It is, and will remain one of the greatest experiences of my life. The UK, France, Switzerland, Germany, Amsterdam, Spain, Ireland, Scotland, Portugal among others were just some incredibly amazing places. And the social dynamic of the people over there was unlike any experience I had had with any person back home. People over there didn't belittle intelligence, it didn't make them feel inferior or didn't make me feel inferior for expressing my intelligence. They were willing to discuss any and all topics regardless of how vast their knowledge was regarding said topic. And it wasn't just because I had the advantage of being "the foreigner" either, people treated each other this way over there, which I observed countless times. I'm sure my position as "the Aussie" would have had some sway in how people interacted with me, but the sway wasn't that strong. When I pondered why this difference in behaviour was, the only logical conclusion I could come to was that Australia, as a country, is way more spoiled than others. Australia as a country is just north of 200 years old, which is nothing compared to how long ago the Roman Empire ruled half of the known world with the blade of a sword. People in these European countries have more of an idea of hardship, struggle and in some places poverty. This in turn, builds character and gives them a remarkable attitude towards people and life. Very rarely did I meet someone over there who was under the impression that the world owed them something for their hardships, who played the victim and expected some kind of remuneration from the world for their trouble. Very rarely in fact, did I meet someone who behaved the same socially as so many do back home (unless of course I met another Australian over there).

Since returning home, I have had a roller-coaster ride of experiences, including 2 relationships that ended atrociously, a friend who betrayed me and a negative environment I have fallen back into and now appear to be stuck in, mainly negative experiences I grant you but it's those experiences that grant knowledge and improve you as a person if digested correctly. I used my experiences gained in Europe to push myself forward, even though I was wrestling with relapse with illicit substances, I didn't let that stop me from meeting new people. I fell into a friendship with a most unlikely person who I didn't think much of the first few times I was among their company, but he turned out to be one of those people like myself who are not what they appear to be at first glance. With this person and his social circle, I began experimenting with illicit substances never consumed before, mainly methamphetamine's. Now, before people get their judgement on, I understand that drugs are not for everyone and that's fine. But let me explain what drugs are to me - they are a key that can unlock parts of your mind that would otherwise be closed to you. But you have to be smart about it, and not let the drugs get the better of you. I had a wonderful experimentation period that lasted every weekend for 4 weeks. I have not touched any of those substances in a month, I had no painful withdrawal period, my behavioural pattern did not change, I didn't alienate those closest to me and I have no permanent physical trauma's. I did stop after a month because I thought any longer and the chemical suggestion will get too strong and I may find myself addicted. I discovered a lot about myself, not only as a person but as a man and what kind of man I want to be, I discovered a lot about those who are weak-willed and lose themselves in such powerful substances as methamphetamines, and I discovered a lot of my hidden talent as a writer and actor.

And now, here I sit, unemployed and with about $5 to my name and about $1500 worth of possessions in my dwelling. But fear not, because I am not worried. I see my path clearer than I ever have before, and without all the self-esteem and confidence issues I was once afflicted with for so long. I am bound by nothing, there is such a limitless feeling that comes with that. I am happy I stumbled across this website, not only has writing this been beneficial to me, I hope people read it and receive some sort of clarity in their own lives from having done so. I also look forward to communicating with like-minded writers such as myself about any and all topics, and hope that the writings I do on this site are well received, and hope that they open doors for me into the professional world of the arts. My plan for now is 1 of 2 in regards to aspirations as a writer and/or actor. Firstly, I hope to get a part time job, save up for a professional acting & modelling portfolio and get it developed. Then send it off to a family member who is employed with one of the television stations here in Australia and hope she has enough sway to land me ANY gig. Remember people, a lot of the time it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Second plan is to work in the Australian Mining Industry and earn large amounts of money within a 2 year period, then enrol in a drama/theatre academy in Europe or the USA. I would like it to be Europe because of my love for the continent, but some sense dictates it should probably be the USA if I want to get acquainted with the "American style" of acting.

If you have managed to stay and read all I have prattled on about, I applaud and thank you, and hope to take part in many discussions and ideas about writing with you. Remember, life is scary and there are people who will try and bring you down. But don’t let fear (and certainly don't let other people) stop you from being the best you that you can possibly be, if you do…then the world wins.

The Dark Wanderer