Never Getting Up Again: A Memoir

      "I've missed you so much."
        As if drinking water for the first time in days of being stranded in the desert, I was nourished.  They say that water is tasteless, but it's not until you’re without something that you realize what you’re without.  We had both agreed to allow our relationship to develop gradually and slowly.  We had been separated for an entire year – a time that seemed like an eternity.  However, I wasn't in control – it was natural; it was necessary.  Holding each other close, we were swaying to the first slow song that night.  Running on instinct alone, my face sunk into the curve of her neck.  Her scent was always addicting, and I knew that it could be dangerous.  Helplessly I fell for it and my throat became dry.  In that moment the pain that had been constant for such a long time seemed so far away.  It is absolutely astounding and difficult to explain the loss of control that I felt in that span of thirty seconds.  The only thing I could say was a whisper in her ear telling her that I had missed her terribly.
         Our first date was in late September of my senior year of high school.  It was a Friday evening after school and I took her out to the same restaurant that my grandfather and grandmother met.  I remember how nervous we both were since neither of us had ever dated before.  Although Amber was a year behind me in school, I had such covetousness for her since my eyes recognized her beauty two years prior.  I had never truly asked a girl out before much less fall in love – that was the last thing I expected.  Throughout high school I always saw relationships forming and shattering around me.  Neither of us knew what real love was at the time, but as the months went on we discovered it together making the bonds between us very strong.
         There is an entity that thrives within my chest in which my emotions, my thoughts and my memories of her can never escape.  From this entity emits strings of steel that are soldered to hers.  This connection is impenetrable.  When we're together, incredible and undeniable energy flows through our connection as if recharging each other.  The energy encapsulates our bodies and we are, if only for a moment, existing as one.
         When the spring semester began in January, I asked her if she would be my date to the prom, even though I knew what her answer would be.  Over the next few months we gradually purchased her prom dress and my tuxedo.  Each day I would wake up and look at the tuxedo that hung on my door with anticipation and excitement. 
Our happiness fell fatal a few days before the prom however, and the energy flowing between our bonds became sour and painful. We had a serious argument.  It wasn't so much the argument as it was how everything unfolded.  I didn't yell at her - I could never yell at her.  I loved her too much.  We both said things however that caused us pain.  I overreacted and I let my pride get in the way of my judgment. That night, a Friday night as I recall, I cried myself to sleep.  The weekend went by and the crying never stopped.  Those impenetrable connections still existed between us but the entity within my chest became empty.  So painfully and agonizingly empty.  The thought of her spread like salt in the wound and the pain always grew deeper and deeper.  My heart was broken and the pain was indescribable.  The pain caught me by surprise-I don't think I expected it to feel the way it did.  My family convinced me that I couldn't let it stop my world from spinning.  But my world had already been destroyed.  The Monday after, I had to go to school because it was time to prepare for final exams.  I had to make my grade point average as high as possible because in February I was accepted into Niagara University for the coming fall semester.  On my way in to school, my cell phone rang.  The only people who would ever call my cell phone would be my mother from home; or amber.  Before I looked at the caller ID, I already knew who it was.  I could hear in amber's voice that she had been crying.  She told me that she still cared about me, that she still loved me and that she still wanted me back.  I still hadn't sort through my emotions and the only way I brought myself to wake up and come to school - to continue living my life, was to tuck the pain away and run purely on ignorance and the coffee in my travel mug.  I told her that perhaps it wouldn't be a good idea and it would be better to move on.  I also reassured her that I wouldn't bother her or make things worse and that I would stay away.  In those 30 seconds on the line with her, I made the biggest mistake of my life. 
         That following summer was less than exciting. Sure, I went on vacation in July and spent the month after preparing for my first year of college. But in the background, I was lonely.  In my mind I had planned an entire summer around amber and I, but everything was destroyed now. I remember writing in my journal:
‘Day to day I still think of Amber. Little things remind me of her. It sucks. And I miss her. My summer is okay so far.’
It truly was those little things that would remind me of her. We had become so intertwined in each other’s life that she would be present in everything I did. I recall once more to that weekend right after our argument, when I went into my room and started getting rid of everything that she had given me, everything that made me think about her, and just anything I had that had to do with her. I was in tears when I threw out the pictures, the little love notes we passed each other (I kept them all), the cards we gave to each other when a "month-iversary” would come around, and all those little gifts that lovers exchange -you know, all those little useless trinkets that are important to you because you got it from the one you love. My bedroom became so empty.
         As time went on, I became accustomed to the pain.  My ignorance allowed me to almost greet the pain as a friend.  I knew I had no choice but to live with it.    With each passing day the distance between the entity and I grew.  It was still within me in a part of my soul but the empty pain lingered inside me and at times and I would disregard it as indigestion from something I previously ate.  There were moments when my ignorance was less than bliss without strength, when this entity would reach out for that girl-the most beautiful ever; the one I allowed myself to lose.  I felt such regret inside me and I was angry without pause.  There are a lot of things that make me happy in life-the holidays, certain foods, going on vacation.  I did all of those things and more but I took no pleasure in them.  I became emotionless and unfeeling and there was little that I actually cared about.  Although deep inside I knew it was true I could never admit  to myself, or to anyone else for that matter, that I missed her and my heart was still broken.  I couldn't admit to myself that without exaggeration there literally was not a single day that passed by that I didn't think of her.
         The exterior of my chest longed to come into contact with hers - not for intimate pleasure, but for the evidence of touch that would confirm any knowledge that she was there. It's similar to the feeling you get when you wear a necklace for the longest time, and then take it off. The surface of your chest almost misses the feeling. This time however, it was deeper than just the surface. I knew it was impossible though.  I thought that perhaps the touch of another woman would satisfy my irrational needs.  I needed to love somebody; and how desperate I was to slip into love like the path was coated with oil.  I had opportunities when I knew that someone had taken an interest in me, but I would hide away and I would never pursue it, because I couldn't.  I knew I would never be able to feel the way I did when I was with amber.  The pain and emptiness was agonizing and after one year had past I decided I couldn't live with it anymore - I needed to do something about it.  I needed her to survive.  In the span of time I was without her was I alive?  I kept asking myself that.  By most definitions, I would have been considered alive - but I didn't feel alive.  Instead I felt like an automaton fulfilling only the requirements of life, and any responsibilities that I had.  With great courage I sought her out, and I know that there was a possibility that she had moved on with her life, and perhaps found somebody new. But when I talked to her, she told me that there never was anybody else. When I had first talked to her, I thought to myself 'God, I've missed her voice.’ Just hearing her on the telephone made me feel so good. I invited her to lunch at my university and when her mother's car approached, I just stared into the window being mesmerized by the beauty I had been without for so long.  Great relief came once we realized each other's feelings after what happened.  What would have been more perfect than it being late April?  Her own prom would happen in a little over two weeks.  In essence we began where we had left off.  I will never forget that slow song when we fell in love once more – so much stronger than before.  Since then my life has been full of life once again and we have been the happiest we've never been.
         I realize how much I took our love for granted and now I cherish every single day.  Amber has struck me at my core, entered my soul and made it whole.  Before her I was a skeptic and in many ways, that prohibited me from seeing the brightness and joy of life.  She taught me about having faith.  I've stopped analyzing everything and began living.  I devoted each day to building a life for both of us.  She makes me so happy - more than I could ever put into words.  Without her I wouldn't be the man I am today.  To somebody else this all may sound silly because it’s exactly the stereotypes you hear in the movies.  It's not until you are truly in love that you realize that it's all true.
         Falling in love is a pivotal piece of everyone's history, and Amber is vital to my own. It may not happen on a single day or during a single event. It may even happen over a series of events. There could be a story similar to Amber's and mine, but nothing will ever be able to duplicate what we feel for each other-something I can only describe as true love. While I still regret ever leaving her, it made us both stronger and there is not a thing in existence that could ever make me leave her again. This is a story that will never have an end. I’ve fallen in love, and I will never get back up again.