Waiting On Life

         The room was completely black. White figures moved in the hallway outside. The only sounds were of my breathing and my foot tapping. My heart beat endlessly.  A white figure stopped at the entrance of the room I was in.

         “Speak your name please,” the figure said before flipping the light and coming in. His voice was one I heard before.

         “My name is … eh I mean Susan Lewis. Who are you?” My words were jumbled and I was nervous. What had I done to be in this place?

         “Susan you should already know who I am. Has it really been that long since you saw me? It’s Eddie.”

         “Eddie died five years ago. You aren’t Eddie.” I was still confused. Where the hell was I?

         “What all do you remember before waking up here?” His voice was calm. As he smiled I saw the dimples I loved. It was Eddie alright, but how?

         “I was walking to the park because it was our anniversary. You loved that park. There was a bum and he … OH MY GOD!” I screamed in terror. Was I really dealing with my own death?

         “BINGO! He killed you. Sorry if I don’t seem hurt. I do deal with death every damn day. He was on acid and thought you were out to get him. You went quickly if it means anything to you.” Eddie’s voice was calm as his lips parted into a small smile.

         “You are telling me I am dead and you smile? Fuck you Eddie! Am I going to Heaven or Hell?” I was on the verge of tears, but I did not want to show him. Could you cry when you were dead?

         “Neither.” One simple word and I lost it.

         “What the hell do you mean NEITHER?” I was aware of very little as two others came in the room. I was placed back in my chair with two guards on either side of me.

         “You would be wise not to cause one of your famous scenes, Susan. You have a choice. Be sent back to Earth as an infant or file paper work. You haven’t done good nor bad. Do something great or sit at a desk. It is your choice. Roland will be here to assist you in either choice you make. Let me call him in real quick.” He spoke quickly. At the thought of being sent back I broke down. My body shook with such force that the chair almost tipped.

         Shakily I began to speak again. “What do you mean go back? I can’t start over as a baby. I’m twenty years old. Everyone I know wouldn’t be able to find me. My life is over. How is this going to work?” I had so many questions flooding my mind. I had the feeling time was short.

         “Tomorrow you will wake up with a body you do not know. You will learn things as you go. You do have another option. It is actually pretty fun. Be a Guardian Angel.” This voice came from behind me. It belonged to a dark haired man. He was muscular with blue eyes that shown like the sea.

         “Susan meet Roland Khuns.” Eddie spoke quickly.

         “Hi. So Guardian Angels are real? Where was mine when I got killed?” My voice became low as I stared into his eyes.

         “Knowing how fragile you are right now I shouldn’t say. I fell asleep. I am so sorry Susan.” His face was painful to look at.

         “You fell asleep? Because of you I walked past the wrong drug addict?” I couldn’t hide my anger any longer. I lashed out hitting him.

         “Once again I am so sorry. This is why you get this chance. I will train you. Would you like to take it?” His face said more than his words. Roland was hoping that I would stay.

         As I thought about it I grieved. My life was over. I could protect others, do paperwork for eternity, or live life as someone else. “I will do it. Better to protect, than live as someone else.” I let out a huge sigh.

         “Roland, please let Susan have a few days before starting on the training. She needs to grieve. She will send for you when she is ready to begin. You may both leave.” Eddie sounded pleased.

         A guard led me to my room. As I opened the door I was knocked backwards. A dog was licking at my face. As soon as I got up I saw that it was KC. He was my pit that was put to sleep last month. As I was petting him I noticed he had all his fur and no sign of sickness. We both walked to my bed where I saw a letter.

                             Susan,

                                       I am so sorry I messed up. I had KC bathed and ready for you.

                                       Please accept my apologies. Enjoy your stay.

                             

                                                                 Roland

         After reading the letter I started to cry. I buried my face in my pillow and felt KC’s wet nose on my cheek. I wrapped my arms around him and felt a calmness rush over me. I looked around the room. My bed was a full size with black sheets and a white comforter. The walls were multi-colored consisting of orange,  white, blue, pink, and a black base. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Before I had time to get up he came in. Roland had a plate of chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, cream gravy, and a glass of Vanilla Coke.

         “Sorry that I barged in. My hands were full and I was afraid of dropping these. I thought you might be hungry.” His eyes never met mine.

         “Thank you. I am kind of hungry, but I can’t eat all of that. Care to join me?” A small smile escaped before I could hide it.

         “I will be right back with an extra plate. Thank you for inviting me. Would you like to come with me?” His blue eyes were beautiful and his smile filled the room.

         “I would prefer not to. See you when you get back.” I couldn’t help, but laugh. Here I was thinking about what life I have lived when he came in. Even in death I don’t have time for myself. I was glad for the interruption.

         Five minutes later Roland was back. We started talking about our lives before out death. Roland had a wife. On the way to work one day his car flipped over. The police couldn’t get to him in time. He was given the role of Guardian Angel to help others. He told me it was the greatest job he has ever had. I told him of my desire to be a photographer. Unlike Eddie, he didn’t laugh.

         “What year did you die, Roland?” His name rolled smoothly off my tongue.

         “Let’s see. I believe it was early ‘80s. In a few years you won’t remember what year you died in. That was the past after all. Now that you are here and so is Eddie what’s going to happen?” At this question his voice became so low I could hardly hear it.

         “I have no clue. I always hoped we would someday get back together, but he is different. He smiled when he told me I died. No tears, no hug. Nothing. How can I even try to be with someone like that? I guess love really is just a myth.“ I had to choke back my tears. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in from of him.

         “Love does exist. Maybe he just wasn’t the one for you. If you ever need to talk I will be glad to listen.”

         “Well it doesn’t matter now. I am dead after all. I’ve spent years crying over him. Fuck him and any other guy for that matter.” At this I started crying. KC looked at Roland with hatred. Roland left the room silently. The only sounds were my sobs and KC whining at my side.

         KC and I laid down on my bed. I wrapped my arms around him and he instantly went to sleep. I closed my eyes and fell asleep to the snores that I had so long missed.

         The next morning I awoke with a thud. KC decided he wanted the entire bed. My stomach growled and I realized I didn’t know where to get food. Just then there was a knock on the door.

         “Princess, can I come in?” I knew the voice at once.

         “Grandpa Lewis?” Hope filled my voice.

         “Yes sweetheart. Are you going to let me in or keep me out here?”

         As I ran to the door I smiled. “Grandpa! I missed you!” Tears of joy fell from my eyes.

         “I missed you too. You are so beautiful. I was told about you this morning. Are you hungry? I can make you some pancakes. I still think I can flip them the way you liked.” He wrapped his arms around me. I could smell oil and knew he was up early fixing cars.

         “That would be great. What car are you working on? Are there cars up here?”

         “Yeah. The whole getting around on wings thing is bull unless you are way up there. I’m starting to work on your mustang. You wanted a ‘66, right? Let’s go to my place so I can make you some food. Come on ‘Ol boy.”

         As KC and I followed my Grandpa I took in my surroundings. It was more colorful than what I was used to. The trees were a beautiful dark green with a light brown bark. Flowers with every color imaginable filled the yards. Kids played peacefully and adults were not drunk or smoking.

         “Do you still have sickness here?” The question rolled off my tongue. I really didn’t want to ask. My Grandpa just shook his head.

         We walked in silence for a little further before we arrived at his house. It was as if he never left his other life. His house was big, with a separate garage for his “projects.” All of them were classic cars. One cherry red Mustang stood in the middle of the garage.

         Grandpa Lewis opened the front door and went to the cabinet. He took out the skillet and ingredients for pancakes.

         “Can you get the plates ready? They should still be in the same place you remember. I didn’t want to change anything around because I knew one day we would be having this talk. I just thought you would be much older.”

         “Is it on the right next to the fridge?” I smiled as I looked around. The table was in the middle of the kitchen and in the living room was a wooden rocking horse.

         “Yes. Are you remembering this house now?” He asked as he started mixing the ingredients.

         “I never forgot.”

         I was overwhelmed by the smell of food. My Grandpa spoke slowly as he flipped the pancakes in the air. KC’s eyes followed the pancakes as they flipped.

         “So are you thinking about going back? You do know your options, right?”

         “I think I’m going to be a Guardian Angel. Roland seems nice and I’d rather not start over.” I almost dropped the two plates as I replied. “Not to mention, I get to see you again and I get my dog back.”

         “You always knew how to make me smile. Roland is a nice guy. He came and gave me updates on you guys. When Eddie gave you that shiner I was so pissed. When he died I gave him one for you.” His eyes were dark and his left hand was in a fist.

         “Did Roland tell you that I fought back? Eddie probably won’t admit this, but I made him cry. Next time you see him you should ask why his nose is lopsided.” At this point I couldn’t help, but laugh. The memory of beating up the star of the football team was golden. “Why did I hold on for so long?”

         Grandpa Lewis’s laughter filled the kitchen. “That’s my girl! You always were a tough little thing. When you have no chance to say good-bye you hold on longer. Some people never let go. Are you moving on now?”

         “I think so. I won’t date anyone because I can’t get married and have children. What would be the point in dating now?”

         “Talk to Roland. He knows more about that than I do. You’ll find this place isn’t much different. Now sit down and eat. You are way too skinny.”

         We ate in silence. I couldn’t help, but to wonder about Roland. He was my first and only friend here. How could I get a hold of him?

         “Grandpa, why haven’t you dated anyone?”

         “I’m not allowed to. Your Grandma still hasn’t let go. She is still alive and won’t get over me. Why do you think Eddie is still single?” He laughed at this last statement before lighting a cigarette.

         “Well he can date whoever he wants now. I am so over him. Can I get one of those from you?”

         Grandpa Lewis passed me his pack and lighter. I grabbed one and it turned into a menthol. As I lit it I drew in a deep breath. I was amazed at how easily it was to breathe.

         “Roland has his eye on you. He is going to be watching over you. Do you like him?” His eyes were on me trying to call my bluff.

         “No way! I’m not dating anyone.” My lie possibly could have worked if the smoke would have stayed the same color. Instead it flashed red before returning to the gray-blue color.

         Laughter broke out as I stared at the smoke. My face must have been one of shock because my Grandpa grabbed my free hand.

         “You can’t lie here. There are ways of knowing. If you aren’t near any smoke, your eyes will turn a different color.” He continued to laugh his hearty laugh.

         “Does he like me?”

         “You’ll see, Princess.” His voice was soft as he blew out the smoke.

                                                           ***

After breakfast my grandpa told me to go home and come back later. As I was walking back to the hotel I started thinking about Roland. When he smiled his eyes lit up. I wondered how his embrace would feel.

         “Hey Susan! How is it going?” Eddie shouted out to me from across the street.

         “It goes.” I hollered back. I was hoping he wouldn’t come to my side of the street, but Eddie always did disappoint me.

         “This place is pretty sweet, huh?”

         “I guess. Even in death you are pretty insensitive. Can you leave me alone now?” I was getting agitated.

         “Jeez, I’m just trying to be friendly. No need to get your panties in a twist.” He scoffed as he said this.

         After that comment I walked off. There was no need to get upset over something so childish. As I reached the hotel I asked the clerk how I could get a hold of someone. He just laughed and said the phone.

         When I got inside my room I noticed a dozen roses. There was one of every color and a multi-colored one in the middle. I was amazed at the assortment. I had never seen anything like it before.

         “I wanted to do something nice for you.”                                                   

         “Roland!” I couldn’t hide the excitement. I turned around and put my arms around his warm body.

         “Nothing could compare to this. Not even in my wildest dreams would I have thought you would hug me.” His voice was soft as he placed his arms around me.

         “You’ve shown me nothing, but kindness. I wanted to thank you for giving my Grandpa updates. Did he really hit Eddie?”

         His laughter filled my head. “Yes he did. We both did actually.”

         “Why did you hit him?”

         “Because you don’t deserve it. You should be loved. You should be shown nothing, but love and affection. Have breakfast in bed and roses sent to your door. And well… I like you.”

         As he said this I smiled. I was at a loss for words. I know he likes me and I like him. What can happen? I hardly know him.

"How can I already like you, Roland? I just met you yesterday."

                    A smile escaped him and he blushed. "You have always known me. Do you remember when you got lost when you were six? Do you remember who walked and talked with you as you walked home?"

                      "Th-that was you? Everyone said I imagined that. People saw me walking home alone. Were you there when my car almost ended off the highway?" New tears dripped from my eyes.

                        "No, that was God. He does take care of the living you know. You had greater things to do in your life."

                      "Well I guess I'll never know what. All my photography was a waste. My little doodles meant nothing. I have never written anything of importance. What was His reason for saving me that night?"

                      Roland's warm, strong, calloused hands grabbed mine. "Close your eyes. Be quiet and don't open them until I tell you to."

                      I did as I was told. After what felt like an hour, he told me to open them. We were standing at an art sale. My photos lined the wall. 

                      The photo that gathered the most attention was a group of children. Each was holding a notebook saying they missed or loved someone. Two children had Army hats, one child had a Marine hat, one with a Navy, and one with an Air Force hat. All of the photo was black and white except the huge American Flag in the background.

                        "That was one of your purposes. If God hadn't saved you that night, the war would continue until the world ended."

                        "Last I knew the war was still happening. How can a simple photo stop a cold blooded war? A look of shock filled my face.

                        As I looked around I saw smiles and tears. People were coming together to look at this picture. It, in my opinion, wasn't something great. I just took it for a Christmas gift for the children's families.

                        "The war is still going on, but in the next year it will end. Some soldiers will still be sent over seas, but that is only to help the innocent." Roland informed me.

                        "I wonder if she knew this was an anti-war photograph." Some woman was talking to her husband.

                        "This is so beautiful. I love how it is in black and white except for the flag." The soldier was on the phone with tears streaming down his face. “ It really captures how my kids feel when I am gone. I can’t wait for you to get back here, Man. I’ll go see your wife and kids tomorrow. Take care and God keep you all safe.”

                                          ***

                        "Hey! Why did we go back? I was enjoying being back home."

                        "I know you were, but there are rules. I can only let you see things that will clear things up for you. Like why you were saved. Please calm down." Roland took my hand as he said this.

                          "How long have I been dead? I've only been here for a day or two. It seems unreal that all this happened a few days after I died." I was almost in tears again.

                          "It has been a few months. Your Mom found the pictures on your computer and printed some off. She showed them to your Dad and took them to the base. They were showed to Soldiers. They wanted to show the world so they pitched in to pay for prints and space. Now you are famous."

                          "A couple of months? I've only been here for a couple of days. How have I been dead for a couple of months?" This all seemed unreal.

                          "Time slowed down when you came here. It also took you a few days to wake up. Your body needed to repair. Not to mention, I wanted to make sure I had KC ready."

                          "I need to sit down." I barely got that out before I hit the floor. The color faded from my face and I was in darkness.











                                                           Ch. 2

I awoke a few hours later. My head was sore and my body ached. Someone had moved me to my bed and brought my dog to me.

         "Sir, I think she is waking up." The voice was muffled and low.

         "You idiot. I told you not to talk and don't call me sir! I'm David." There was silence as he walked over to me and grabbed my hand. "Sweetheart, are you alright?"

         "I guess. My head really hurts. I think I need a new angel." I let out a little chuckle as my Grandpa let out a roar. Roland let out a cry of pain. "Lighten up will you?"

         "You are getting hurt because of me, Susan. I won't lighten up. I think I should just quit."

         "You didn't quit on her when she was with the asshole, so why give up now? She actually likes you."

         At that comment I slapped my hand over my Grandpa's mouth. My cheeks were turning red. I had never been so embarrassed in my life.

         "Sir, can we have a moment alone?" Roland was messing with his hands and looking at his feet. I noticed his nails were short as he continued to pick at them.

         "I told you not to call me that. It makes me sound old. My grand baby just woke up after fainting. So no, you cannot have a moment." His voice was filled with agitation and worry.

         "What would you say if I called you sir?" I was trying to stop the tension between them.

         "I wouldn't give you the car when it’s done. For the past five years I have heard nonstop how much you talk about wanting to get one and rebuilding it with your Dad."

         At the mention of my Dad I felt my heart drop. Now I would never be able to fix a car with him or to give him a kiss. I should have spent more time with him. I should have spent more time with everyone actually. I was just so caught up in my own world that no one else existed except for the past.

         "Looks like KC needs out. Hold on tight sweety. Since Roland wanted a minute alone with you, I guess I will let him have one." Grandpa kissed my forehead before leaving. His beard tickled my nose.

         As soon as the door closed Roland moved closer. He grabbed my hand as he leaned down. His lips were warm against mine. The smell of clean laundry filled my nose.

         "What was that for? And why did you stop?"

         "I wanted to see if it was true... Not to mention I have been dreaming about you and this moment for years. Well minus the bandage on your head." He let out a laugh as he kissed me again.

         "Bandage? What the hell did I hit?" Atleast I found out there was a reason to my head hurting.

         "The coffee table. Then the vase fell too. Even all bandaged up, you still radiate with beauty."

         "Alright Casanova let's get this straight. Until her parents get here I am her guardian. No kids. No sex. No staying over. If you want to take her on a date, you have to ask me. Same for marriage."

         "I'm not a little girl anymore!" I screamed at him. As soon as I was done, I felt horrible.

         "I'm sorry Princess. I guess I will always think of you as three. My number is by the phone. Call me if you need me. I love you." His voice was strong, but his eyes showed a different story.

         "I love you too. I'm sorry that I yelled. See you in the morning."

         As my Grandpa left I stared at the door. I've only been with him for a few days and already I felt like I was letting him down. Maybe I was moving too fast.

         "What's wrong?" Roland whispered softly.

         "Nothing. Can you just hold me?" Of course, nothing means everything to a female.

         As he put his arms around me, I couldn't help but smile. Was this the start of falling in love? It had been so long I couldn't remember. We held each other in silence for a while. His heart beat was that of a love song.

         If only I could hear that song every day, I thought. To wake up each morning with the song in my head. Humming the beat all day long would be heavenly.

         “Tomorrow we start your training. You have nothing to worry about. Even if you mess up at first, there is a source of protection around the person you will be guarding. Do you have any questions?

         “Will you stay with me tonight?” I did not want him to go.

         “I will stay till you fall asleep and will be back before you wake up. I promised your Grandfather that I would not stay.” His voice was soft as he said this.

         Most people promise something, but never follow through. When he said this I knew I would be able to put my full trust into him. I didn’t say anything back. I gently kissed his lips and closed my eyes, listening to his love song.

                                                           ***

         My first assignment was a female in her twenties. She was fairly tall and had black hair. Her name, I later learned, was Mia. As I learned more about her, I felt like I could help her. She was a secret cutter and smoked marijuana on a daily basis. Her husband was one of the worst men I had ever met. He cheated on her and beat her. He would force her to have sex with him.

         Mia was outside smoking today. She was making his favorite meal, baked chicken and mashed potatoes. The chicken was about to burn when I intervened. I made the timer go off. Mia heard this and tried to run inside. Unfortunately I forgot that the sliding door, freshly cleaned, was closed. Poor Mia bled all over the porch and had tears in her eyes. I watched as she held her shirt to her nose and took out the chicken. She then ran to the bathroom.

         When Chuck came home, he took one look at the porch. Mia cowered in the corner. He threw the table across the room as he made his way to her. Mia was picked up by the throat and threw on the couch. His belt was off in an instant. She tried not to cry out as the leather was hitting her skin. After ten hits he stopped. She thought her punishment was over and I wasn’t allowed to help her. He took his pants off and grabbed the back of her head and forced her down. After he was nice and hard he ripped her clothes off. Her screams could be heard outside as his penis ripped into her. When he was about to cum he forced her back down. It was covered in blood, but he still made her suck it. She swallowed every drop then licked it clean. Her tears covered her face.

         “Why doesn’t anyone help her? Can’t you do something?” I was frantic. Mia didn’t deserve any of this. I just wanted to take her away from all of this. I should be alive and Chuck should be dead.

         “I’m sorry Susan. When it comes to these situations, we can only keep them alive until their time is up. She has to find a way out.” His voice was harsh. I could tell he was upset with what we just saw.

         “I want to be her Angel, Roland. I can help her. Am I allowed to lead her to things?”

         “You can, but it isn’t advised. We like free will up here.” I turned around. A man whom I had never met before placed his hand on my shoulder. “She is my daughter. I watch her every day. Where do you want to lead her?”

         “I want to take her to a shelter. She needs to know that there are safe places. My cousin started one a few years ago. She provides job training, therapy, clothes, and apartments. The apartments are rent free until the person gets a job. Then it is only what they feel like they can afford. After a year, the woman gets to move out, unless they are still worried about the man catching up with them.