Soldiers

          I observed the map, looking at the circles and squares that were scattered across it. The circles were our side, the squares were the adversaries. The squares were shaded black and we were shaded white.

                   

Such an equivalent of our insides, I mused.  It had flummoxed me as to why they had shaded our foes black. Now, now I knew the real reason. I didn’t look at only the camouflage. I peered into the person’s true soul. My eyes had adjusted to seeing underneath a person’s skin; pass their barriers that hid their true selves from others. Some had buried themselves so deep that it was near impossible to dig them out. Some just had a little spark of life left and it was fading rapidly.          



Are we really the good guys? I asked myself that question a lot lately. That query always achieved to cause knots to shape in my stomach. That feeling almost sent me collapsing onto my knees and crying for mercy. I didn’t know why, but for some reason I had a feeling I was on the wrong side. That feeling never faded.

                   

Lies are always covered by petty words. I learned this lesson when I was a young boy. My father was a hunter, always providing food for my small family. One day he disappeared. My mother cried. The tears that drizzled from her cloudy eyes weren’t real. She told me she missed father and that everything would be fine. That was a pathetic group of words. Things were never the same. Her words were lies. Pretty words that was actually black. She grieved his loss heavily, or rather she appeared to. Underneath her air of sadness was an air of smugness. She seemed happy that my father had died. In fact, not two weeks after he passed she was remarried to a rich, portly lord. He reeked of liquor. He would scream at me when he was utterly drunk. His spittle splashing onto my face, and sending chills racing down my spine. One day, when my mother was running an errand, he had backhanded me. His beefy hand broke my nose, causing blood to spew out of it. The red liquid soaked my shirt, staining it. When my mother got home she didn’t apologize and kick the man out. No, she chided me on how foolish I was for letting blood stain my shirt. I hated her. I left that night, sneaking out quietly. I was to the next town by dawn.          



Trust nobody. Heck, this saying is true always. I trusted a woman. She was beautiful. She had long, fiery hair. Her deep, ice blue eyes penetrated my soul. She told me she loved me. I bared my soul to her, I trusted her with everything raging inside of me. After I bedded her, well, she ditched me. She ran off to be with another man. She confessed she had never loved me. She admitted that she only wanted to bed me. I cried all that day, drowning in my misery. My heart shattered that day. I trusted her, and she repaid me by running off with another man.

                   

There is always a price to war. I had my personal experience with this one. I had fought in a war with my brethren. I wanted to protect every last one of them. I failed them. My squad was decimated. I watched helplessly as they burned. I could hear their screams pounding through my head. I had capped my ears, trying to block out their agonized shrieks. I had bloodied my throat that day as I screamed along with my warriors. I was punished with getting booted out of the army. I had a long scar etched on my face, reminding of what I failed to accomplish that day. I deserved to be kicked out. I was worthless. I was nothing.

                   

Trust your heart to none. I live by this saying now. I never let anyone pass my well-constructed barriers. My walls were built up by years of misery and suffering. My heart had turned into an icicle. My eyes adjusted a lifeless look to them. My voice acquired an emotionless quality to it. I never intended for myself to turn out this way. Fate, however, had different plans for me. Fate broke me, causing me to drown in my own misery. I let nobody shoulder my burden. I hated the looks of pity. I sent glares of scorn at anyone who dared to stare at me with those very looks. Many had asked for my heart. I turned every single one of them down. My heart could no longer feel the joy of love or happiness. My heart only knew suffering and misery.

                   

Peace will never last long. People always grew lazy. They thought after they tackled a tyrant, peace would last forever. They were always shocked when another evil arose. It made me want to crackle insanely at the looks that appeared on their clueless faces. The soldiers were ill prepared and doughy from not working on their rusting combat skills. They would always lose the first fights that dawned the oncoming war. It was pretty pathetic really. They were losing a war they should have been prepared for. Tis, they never lost the hope that peace would remain until the end of eternity. Their hope was misplaced. They believed that another evil would never rise out of the old evil. It was heartless, I will admit that, of me to sit and watch their men be eaten alive. I just observed and chuckled. Peace would never last long. The world was never meant to be peaceful. I loved it that way.

                   

Who am I? I have many different answers to that question. I was a carefree boy. I was a poor excuse for a soldier. I was a lonely soul. I was a block of ice. Now, I am nothing. My name has long since deserted me. I lost it in the fold of all my mistakes. My name will never see the light of day again. My soul had been altered to where you can’t name it anymore. I decided that I am nothing at all. I am nobody. I will stick to that for the rest of my existence.

                   

Second chances are just ways to get you killed. I was recruited back into the army. They wanted me to take on a light mission. It wasn’t hard or costly to their side if I managed to mess it up. They gave me my debriefing. I realized, too late, that I was being used as bait. My whole team was cooked meat. They left us dangling off a dangerous cliff. Nobody would there to haul us back up. I barely came out alive. Many men had fallen. When the army congratulated me, I just spat in their faces. I walked out the door and never glanced back. I was sick of their games. I wasn’t a toy that could be tossed into the trash bin when broken. I was a human being. I was person with a soul. They gave me a second chance just to kill me.

                   

Secrets never go to friends. I had a best friend once. His name escapes the confines of my mind. He was long pushed out. He betrayed me. Just like everyone else has. I told him my darkest secret. He turned his back on me. He told me leave and never come back. He said he never wanted to look at me again. My secret wasn’t all that horrible. At least, I thought it wasn’t. I could be wrong though. Still, he should have supported me or helped me. He just ordered me away, claiming I was going to be the next serial killer.

                   

I lived a life full of misery. I was miserable. I always was during most of my entire life. I was either being beaten or ditched. I never experienced the joy out of life. I was one those people undergone agony, misery, and loneliness. I never had a friend that stuck around long. I never was given the chance to love another woman. I was lost in a sea of suffering. I was being suffocated by it. I was never able to breathe properly. I just sucked it and learned to live with it. My pain wasn’t going anywhere soon. I was undeniably screwed. I acknowledged that long ago. Oh well, I guess the life of misery was meant for me. It suited me sometimes actually.

                   

How long? I was growing tired of being alive. My soul wanted to be free. I wanted out of my hell. How much longer? Haven’t I suffered plenty? Apparently not because death didn’t seem like it was coming around anytime soon for me. I was trapped in this hell. I was still caught in living my pitiful life. How long? I kept asking myself that for a long time.

                   

At last it is over. I stared at the whiteness as it enveloped me. It healed my burning, torn soul. I felt warm and light. I was floating upwards. My spirit was departing from my body. I could see my frail, cold body. My eyes were closed. I looked peaceful. Wrinkles were deeply craved into my face. My lips were chapped and blue. My hands were resting by my side. My legs were straight and only an inch apart. My head was bald, except for a patch of fuzz at front and center. It was gray and thin. My hands were large and had callouses blossoming across them. My hands were facing palms upward. I smiled. I was finally happy. I was felt the first searing of bliss gush within me. I let out a joyous howl. I continued to float upward into my forever. I was happy to be going away. My smile followed me up. The end had finally afforded me a joyful feeling. It was indescribable. I was home and happy beyond imagination.