Ashlyn Veers

Briskly I walk into the dark of night. I can feel the slight breeze just barely bite the surface of my chilled pink cheeks. Thinking, only of what lies ahead of me. Knowing that leaving my father and sister would be unbearable, chores would be left undone and my sister wouldn’t have anyone to count one. My father won’t know what to do. “No,” I tell myself in hope that I might forget the pain that will come from not only being alone in the cold and dark world, but knowing my dad won’t get the help he needs, and how my extended family might actually miss me. I can sense myself breathing heavier now; the stress of just thinking about my family kills me slowly inside.  I’m beginning to have that piercing feeling in my stomach again; my lungs are beginning to close. I shove myself beneath a large berry bush hoping no one will ever find me; I suffocate and struggle, and still find the strength to keep quiet. This is the reason I decided to leave in the first place, I can’t take it anymore. Just as my eyes begin to dilate and my fingers are turning a deep blue, I wake up.
         My heart is pounding; I can hear the uneven beating. A trickle of sweat runs down my face, I quickly wipe it away. My face is clammy and my fingers are freezing to the touch. I look at my clock beside my bed, it reads “3:03 AM.” I look for the water bottle that I usually leave for my rough nights. I can’t find it, by this time I’m freaking out and am on the urge of having an anxiety attack. I calm myself down, hoping that no one will hear me. I have had these nightmares since I was just a little girl. They would begin as a fantasy, a wonderland that I could call my own; and then they would just flip. Turning into something you usually only see in movies. It almost seems to be lucid, and yet I still find myself not controlling anything. My dreams are too powerful for me to handle. All the stress and thoughts that just race through my brain at every given moment of the day, there is not a single moment that I ever stop thinking about what will happen in the future or what people might think of me. These thoughts are I’ve ever known. I never take time to think about myself, or to just live in the moment. My family depends on me to be strong and to not fall apart every time that I break. Telling me that I cannot fail, or ever be the one who skips any chance to study to actually be a child for once. They’re always letting me know that I have to be the bigger person and I have to be flawless; but none of them understand. They don’t understand how it is to have a sister who has Downs Syndrome, who beats themselves up to be “perfect,” and they aren’t bullied and harassed. They do not, and never will, know what it is like to be me.