Our Love Story

This was to be your bride's gift. I created a short story, our story and had it printed and turned into a small book. I lied about the bracelet and I am sorry for that. I was not sure that I wanted to give this to you, or that you would even want it. I have thought about it and realized that I should give this too you. The original ending has been changed, the story has not, and I have burned the other copy. I did this in a moment of weakness, but I could not give you that version, nor could I look at it. I know this isn't as nice as your present to me, but I hope it means as much to you as the watch does to me. It is our Story, as seen through my eyes.



When I first saw you I thought that you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. You had this great smile, beautiful hair, and eyes that lit up a whole room. You're skin was this beautiful color of mocha, and it looked as though it was soft as silk. I could not take my eyes off of you, it was if in the moment there was no one else in the room at all. And then you looked at me.

You gave me this half-smile and I could see you trying to figure me out and figure out if you knew me. We had always been around one another. But for some reason we never really noticed one another, until that day. For whatever reason, you found something interesting in me. Maybe it was my goofy hair, ripped jeans, or the face I was always cracking jokes and getting Senora all bothered. For whatever reason you took an interest in me and I in you.

My interest only intensified when I learned you spoke Spanish fluently and that you were more than willing to help me with my homework. I am sure that the only reason I even passed Spanish that year was because of you. You would sit down and try and explain things to me, but it was obvious I was paying little attention to what you were saying and more attention to how I was going to be able to impress you with (what I thought) was my clever wit and humor. Half the time my jokes soared over your head and you would just look at me and give this fake laugh, but every now and then (usually when I wasn't trying) I would get this laugh out of you and it was the most resounding laugh I have ever heard, it was so full of hope and happiness and your eyes would gleam like diamonds.

As time went on I began to feel more and more attracted to you. I thought, however, that you had little interest in me other than a friend. You ran with a different crowd than I and were just so beautiful. Then something happened that I will never forget. You gave me a back rub, well not really a back more of a shoulder rub; somehow I knew then that you were at least interested in me.  After that I intensified my chase, I called you more and I still remember our conversations while I was laying in the bed of my pickup and you were at home: I would look up at the stars and we would talk about God and life and hope and all kinds of things.  I remember when we began to go on dates to get Ice Cream at Coldstone, or to La Playa or to the movies. You always sought the chance to play with the bracelet on my wrist, hoping I would grab your hand. I was so shy it took me forever but I finally did it. I love how the bracelet has become a running  joke now.

Our first kiss was not what you might call romantic, but it was the best I could come up with.  We had been messing around in the classroom outside of Senora's when the bell rang. Our classes were in two different directions and usually we would hug and then go our separate ways. This time, though I grabbed you and gave you a kiss. You looked at me with this funny look in your eye, and said I'll call you later. I remember I could pay no attention to what Mr. Qualia was saying in class. 

We began to kiss more often  like that and you usually (and still do) gave me a hard time about the time and place of our first kiss. However, your strong moral compass decided that it wouldn't be right for me to kiss you while we were not dating. So I asked you out. You said No. I let time go one tried again, once again no. Third time I thought for sure would be a charm, nope again.

By this time it was time for me to head to College Station and A&M. I said goodbye and I thought our relationship was over. I blindly believed that you were using the college thing as an excuse and that you were letting me down easy.  A&M was hard as you well  know, you more than anyone I know, knows just how deep my pain was there and how alone I felt. So, I will fast forward to December.

My birthday is always in December and is always right around the time school gets out for winter break. So my dad decided to throw a surprise birthday party, even though he ruined it right before it was time by asking me who I wanted invited. I told him to make sure and invite you, so he did. And somehow you became co-host, of the party. I will never forget the brave face you put on when you did shots of Everclear with me. I was trying my best to be cool and calm but my eyes watered like crazy. After that we hung out even more and talked even more, picking up where we left off while we were still in High School. I had decided to go to Texas State instead of just coming home. I guess I wasn't willing to face my parents separation and I did not know how it would affect me if I moved home to them split up. Texas State was the anti-thesis of A&M: at A&M I had so much structure I thought I would die; at Texas State there was none and I lost myself a little. I quit going to class and spent most of the time in my room alone; when I wasn't at parties with Ashley. I started to come home almost every weekend to see you and to get away from my lonely dorm room.

The night you finally said yes was during another bonfire. It was February so it was still a little cold. We decided to take a walk, and after an awkward silence you asked me what we were. I told you I would like to be boyfriend and girlfriend. And you finally said yes!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited I wanted to spend all night out in the dark with you just talking and holding one another. But then Jesse caught himself on fire.

It wasn't until later, April, that we finally said I love you to each other.  We were both on the phone and we were talking about love and what it meant to us.

I remember telling you: "If I didn't know any better I'd say that you love me"

There was a long pause and I wondered if I had messed up in some way. Finally you answered;

"I'd say your right"

My heart leapt into my chest and it felt like it was going to fly out my throat. I could hardly believe it; I had been feeling something that went beyond simply liking or even deeply caring and when you said that I realized what it was. I too was in love.

I also knew that to you those were not just words. That to you love meant forever and you told once before that if you ever said I love you to anyone it would be the person you would spend the rest of your life with.

I could not wait for summer to get here and I had already decided to transfer to Corpus. I knew that Corpus was where I needed to be and if that meant facing my demons then so be it.

When I got here for the summer we were both so excited. We were taking classes at Del Mar together, even though you dropped out of Texas History and left me with Olivia. We spent as much time as we possibly could together. I was working back at TAMU-CC with Dr. Lyle and you were working with Dr. Vela.

Then we hit our first speed bump. You worked with your ex-boyfriend Frankie and he generally made life tough for the both of us. Then he sent you flowers and these strange text messages. They were hard for me to take, because I could not simply understand how anyone could do something like that without being allowed and encouraged in some way. When I later learned about the kiss it made more sense. That was a small issue compared to when you told me you weren't sure that you loved me. I remember being so upset and you asking me if you just caring for me was enough. And I knew, although I didn't say it, that it wasn't. I WANTED you to love me, I could never be just someone you cared about and felt for. I wanted you to love me the way I loved you. Eventually though, we moved on past that and our relationship was stronger because of it.

Time went on and we got more and more serious. I will never forget the road trips we made during the summer to Austin and Canyon Lake. Listening to audio books and just talking about life. I loved making road trips with you. Just you and me in a car enjoying life.  We would go to the outlet malls and even though I have never admitted it before (and you can't tell), I love shopping with you. Watching you get excited about some dress and honoring my opinion. It was nice just to be with you in that element.

I'll never forget when you got pulled over by the police officer. I was at home asleep when you called me so I drove over there as fast as I could. Luckily everything turned out ok but we were both so scared. I remember we almost drove to the court house to get a marriage license then and there.  We calmed down and realized that would be foolish; I'll never forget though that was the first time you said I loved you after your indecision.

Tragedy struck when my roommate Josh died. It was so horrible and sudden. I remember that night going over to your house and you held me while I cried and told me that everything was going to be alright. I was afraid of being alone, and so you stayed with me as long as you could. I will never forget what you told me. You told me that the last thing Josh saw was you and I loving each other with all our hearts. I will keep that with me forever and I hope I see something similar before I die.

When we first went ring shopping it was some time in August. We had just gotten back from a trip with SFA and it was raining and for some reason we decided to go ring shopping and we stopped in Samuels Jewelers' just to look around. It felt so weird and surreal. Walking around looking at engagement rings. Like we were grownups even though we still felt like kids. We found a couple that we thought were pretty and left going on to Marshalls or somewhere.

I bought the ring in October. That was one of the times I was really scared; as scared as I have ever been in my life. Here I was buying an engagement ring and I wasn't even 20 yet. It turned out to be beautiful and I would look at it every single chance I got. I would take it out of its box and just hold it and look at it and imagine what it would look like on your beautiful hand.

I remember the night I finally asked you to marry me. I told you we should take a walk to the Momentum Sculpture to see it at sunset. You thought that was a great idea although about half way there we were both sweating and breathing hard. Finally we made it and you were dancing on the lights and making shadow puppets and generally having a ball. I finally got the ring out of my pocket and down on my knee while you were facing away from me. When you turned around you looked at me at first like I was crazy and then slowly realization began to dawn on your face as you saw what I was doing. You started to squeal and jump around although you calmed down long enough for you to tell me that I had grabbed the wrong hand. I asked you to be my wife and to spend your life with me and you answered with a resounding yes. The rest of the night is a bit of a blur but I remember going to Red Lobster and calling everyone.

We both knew the wedding was a while off but neither of us cared. We were just happy to be together. Life was really good then. We had little problems to worry about and we spent tons of time together. I was living on campus so we were always at my apartment in between class. I loved those lunches we would have together. And how you struggled with Hamburger Helper the first time you cooked it and that pizza I burned beyond recognition in the oven.

We had our disagreements, most caused by our physical relationship as well as cultural differences. We came from too highly different cultures but we managed to work through them and find our center. Usually our center was God and our spirituality.

We postponed the wedding several times because we  just didn't feel we were ready. You began working for the Durrils more and I changed my major to English. We grew together and matured together. Somewhere along the way we became adults, with an understanding of the complexity of life. This began to add our relationship. We fought but not quite in the way we used to. We became so that we understood one another, yet things were there that bothered us both. Things in the other person that ,when we were younger and our relationship was new, we were willing to ignore. However, as we grew into maturity these things became things that were important to us. Things that could no longer be ignored. We thought, however, that we could work through them and that in time we would conquer them. 

As the wedding day grew closer, life grew more hectic. We realized how much responsibility was about to hit us in the face, but we knew we could get through it. We had faith in one another and faith in God.

The Civil Ceremony was one of the happiest days of my life. It was also the scariest. While I was standing in the room waiting for the Judge and for you  to be ready I could hardly believe that we were going to be legally married. The ceremony went fast and I hardly remember most of it. All I remember is how beautiful you looked and how happy you were. You reminded me of an angel and I could not wait for the real wedding, and the rest of our life together.

It is here, that I have re-written the ending. Our story didn't play out like I thought it would. This was to be your bridal gift and while it pales in comparison to what you gave me, it is what I remember of our story. I was going to add onto it anytime something big happened. It was going to be an on-going story, stopping only when I did.

God, it would seem, has other plans. And it is here that our story ends.

I don't know what going to become of our story. Late at night, when I am lying awake unable to sleep, I feel that this is the end of our story. That because of me, if only I had done one thing different you would have been happy with me. That this plan of ours is really only us in denial. Trying to hold onto that which we know so well; afraid to let go of one another and drift in the world.  I feel this in my darkest moments and I hope that it is not true; but if it is than all we can do is end our story here.

We grew into adults together. We do not know what it is for us to be adults without one another.  For whatever reason, we have come to this crossroads and we have taken the difficult road. I feel that it was the right road and I am glad you spoke up for I had no idea anything was wrong.

I am sorry that I wasn't what you yearned for yet you should not feel guilty. God made you just the way you are and you should follow your heart. He made me the way I am and I can do no more than accept myself.

Even though our story ends here, yours doesn't and mine doesn't;  it is a new chapter for us both. Sometimes closing a chapter and starting a new one can be difficult; as can be writing a new ending.

I removed the old ending because it no longer applied. That was another life; another story. The book I had made of this story was burned by me in a mood of deep sadness and anger. I do not regret doing that however, it was necessary.

Letting go has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Sometimes, I think I still haven't let go completely. I dream of you ever night, and think of you most of the day. But like the old saying goes, "If you really love something let it go, it might come back".

I'm not sure you will come back. I don't know what the future holds, I wish I do but I don't.

I hope you have read this and I hope you keep it so that you can see how I viewed our story. If you haven't and you don't that is ok.

I love you with all my heart. That is where I have found the strength to let you go. I don't think if I loved you that way I would have resisted; and that would have ended in disaster, either now or in the future.

I have no regrets for our relationship. It was the best time of my life and I will never forget you. A piece of my heart will always belong to you, no matter what happens.

I hope that I will not become some distant memory you hope to cover up; that you will think back on me and smile and remember me fondly and with warmth in your heart.

Writing this ending has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have tried so hard to be strong for you and allow you to lean on me through this. But my heart hurts, and sometimes I can hardly stand it. Time will make things better, for us both, this I know. I just wish I knew how much time.

It is time for me to say goodbye, the story is over.

Take this with you though and please remember it above all else:

"Fear resides in the Future; Regret resides in the Past; but Peace, resides in the present. Live your life in Peace, live your life in the Present".