Playground

Author's Note: I'm not really sure how to describe this short story. I welcome all open, honest, and constructive criticism. I'm submitting this story as part of a sample for a university MFA Creative Writing program, so don't hesitate to point out any specifics you see wrong. I haven't done much re-writing on this yet, so it will be interesting to see people's reactions.

Playground

      For the first time in months, I almost welcomed the heat of the sun warming my shoulders through the thin material of my t-shirt. I could almost enjoy the squeals of the other children, their laughter, the scolding parents, and the game of four-square the teenagers were engaged in a few feet away. I could almost enjoy myself, could almost let the happiness in, could almost banish the darkness. So far, today was a good day, and I wasn’t going to let my own insecurities get in the way of enjoying the sun and laughter filled day on the playground as my sister, Keta, and I chased Bryden, our barely three-year-old cousin of whom our mother had custody.
         Bryden was the only one who could chase away the darkness completely, but even his smiling face only helped for a few moments. I knew once we were separated, the darkness would come back, but I couldn’t move back in with my sister and mother. I only had to complete one more year of college to earn my Bachelor’s in Special Education; no matter how much I loved them, I would not be able to focus on my studies with a baby in the house.          
         Though it was getting harder and harder to care about school. I had barely scraped by this semester, forcing myself to do the assignments simply because I knew I could do them, and I needed to keep my scholarship. My grades had still been fine (only one A- and one B), but considering I usually only accepted straight A’s for myself, I had slipped greatly. I’d tried convincing myself it didn’t matter. I had been trying to tell myself that maintaining my sanity was more important than maintaining my grade point average, but I still felt disappointed with myself. Education was my only way out of poverty, yet I felt so close to giving up so many times.
         My ruminations were interrupted as Bryden’s laugh echoed across the trampoline bridge we were on, his gait and hands unsure, gripping the wooden rail just barely low enough for him to reach, but he continued to grin up at me with delight. I didn’t have to force the smile on my face, feeling happy and content to the very depths of my soul. I pushed my strawberry blonde hair behind me as he reached his small arms up to me. I effortlessly scooped him up, jumping on the bridge with him in my arms.
         He giggled again, squealing to my sister. “Ket! Ket! Jump!” She laughed, jumping also, her red hair bouncing with her. Bryden’s pale curls were rapidly forming a sweaty, frizzy halo around his fair head, and I could see my sister’s porcelain skin beginning to burn, belatedly realizing we hadn’t brought any sunscreen. “Harp! Jump!” Bryden commanded, squirming in my arms, trying to jump. I obeyed, bouncing again, grinning at Keta, feeling lighter than I had in months.
         As my feet touched the stretchy black material again, Keta’s face changed, her eyes widening, the whites of her eyes in stark contrast to the dark liner around her lids, her mouth open in a slight “o,” her body completely still. At the same time, I heard our names called in a childish voice from behind me. I froze for a second, simultaneously wanting to turn around and run the to child calling for us and run toward the two towering oaks in front of me and the small parking lot beyond.
         “Keta! Harper!”
         Before I had time to turn, the material of the bridge moved beneath me, Keta’s eyes filled with tears as small, five-year-old feet filled my vision and a small hand tugged at me, his other hand reaching for Keta as she knelt, pulling the child tight against her. With a controlled effort, I lowered myself to my knees, wrapping my pale hand around his smaller darker one, gripping Bryden tighter, glancing quickly over my shoulder to see Samuel, their father, glaring at us, though he quickly tried to hide it when he saw me looking.
         “Harper!”
         I thought my heart was going to explode from feeling so many emotions at once as William grinned at me, showing nearly all of his teeth, his dark hair cut close to his head, his chocolate brown skin warm beneath my fingers as I pulled him closer. I could feel the tears in my eyes, looking at Keta over his head, who was looking past me, her phone out, prepared to call the police if things spiraled out of control, or if Samuel threatened to take Bryden, as he had planned five months ago after paternity had been proven. 
         “Bry!” William cried, reaching out for his brother, who was looking confusedly between us. William took no notice, wrapping his small, slightly chubby arms around his brother’s neck. I looked desperately at Keta, who could only stare desperately back, part shock and anger filling her, as she looked to me, her older sister, for guidance. I had no idea how to handle this any better than she did. We both knew how to handle Bryden and William, but we were not equipped to handle their father.
         I was trying to still the slight trembling in my limbs as Bryden grinned, reaching one hand out to pat William’s cheek, and I lost the battle with my tears, several spilling down my cheeks. William had been the sun around which my world orbited until his mother had spiraled down into drug use and lost custody two years, forcing me to figure out how survive without him. Ten months apart and little Bryden still remembered his brother enough to touch him and smile. “Ill,” Bryden said as William laughed at the mispronunciation. I laughed through my tears, wiping my cheek on my shoulder.
         “He’s coming this way,” Keta said tensely, her voice laced with anger, fear, and determination to keep Bryden away from his biological father. I nodded at her, but focused back on William as he tugged on my hand, Bryden walking from me to Keta’s waiting arms.
         “Is Aunt Chelsea here?” his small voice asked, settling himself in my lap as I sat cross-legged.
         I shook my head, rubbing my hand over his head, determined to memorize every detail of his face before his father could wrench him from my hold. “No, sweetie, she’s at home. She misses you, and loves you so much,” I said fiercely, praying that he would remember these words forever. “And so does Mamaw and Papaw, and Granny, and Aunt Angela,” I continued, feeling Samuel’s gaze on my back, noticing Keta holding Bryden tighter despite his efforts to liberate himself. If Samuel was coming over to take William away for who knew how many more months, I was not going to let him leave thinking none of us cared about him.
         I stared into his dark brown eyes, noticing again how long and beautiful his eyelashes were, the scab on his right temple, his thinned out little kid face, the warm tone of his skin, the love and trust I could see in his face.
         “And Aunt Susan and Uncle Charles and Paul, and Mommy,” I said more quietly, quickly going onto to list the rest of our family members, “and Uncle Joseph, and Aunt Sarah, and Keta,” I added, grinning widely as he turned to grin at her, “And me, and Bryden all love and miss you so much. We will love you forever,” I said solemnly, cupping his cheek, hearing footsteps behind me. “Don’t ever forget that, okay?”
         “Okay,” he agreed effortlessly, quickly, with the trust of a child, but he was frowning all the same. “And my sissy in Heaven? Does she love me?”
         I swallowed twice before I managed to answer, my voice thick with unshed tears, my heart feeling like it was being compressed into a box only one centimeter wide and tall. “She loves you very much,” I answered hoarsely, placing my other hand on the other side of face, rubbing my thumbs across his smooth cheeks.
         “Can I see a picture?”
         I nodded, quickly fishing my phone out of my pocket, my heart still threatening to burst. I had imagined this moment so many times—finally running into him somewhere, being able to hold him again as I was, terrified of when we were separated again, knowing it would probably be the last time I saw him—but I hadn’t thought about him asking about his half-sister, Grace, the tiny baby he had never gotten to see.
         Just as I found the picture, my heart hammering, feeling like it was shatter into a million pieces, Samuel spoke behind us.
         “William, come on, we’re leaving.”
         His voice booked for no argument, yet William argued anyway. I wanted to disappear to the most remote corner of the Earth, taking Keta, William, and Bryden with me, but I doubted even that would prevent Samuel from finding us. He seemed to somehow always know everything—web pages William and Bryden’s mother had looked up, where she was, where we were—and able to make his domestic assault charge against his ex-wife disappear.
         “Daddy, no! I don’t want to! I want to stay and play! Harp has a picture of my sissy.”
         I refused to look at him, staring only at William’s scrunched up, pleading face, my finger hovering over the touch screen of my phone to select the only picture I had of Grace with her eyes open, her face scrunched up nearly identical to William’s. Keta had risen to her knees, unable to keep the glare off her face, but I could see the fear in her eyes. Neither of us would put it past Samuel to have arranged this entire encounter with the intent to take Bryden from us, either through coercion or force, but we would both die before he took Bryden. We’d already lost Grace nine months ago to the holes in her heart, Anthony seven years ago as a newborn to his failing kidneys, William to his biological father on the same day we’d lost Grace, and we refused to loose Bryden also.
         “You can look at the picture,” Samuel conceded though his tone was anything but sympathetic, “but only for a minute. Rachel already has your brothers and sisters in the car.”
         I tried to pretend Samuel wasn’t there, that his live-in girlfriend and his children with his ex-wife weren’t mere feet away, but I could feel his gaze on my back as William settled himself in my lap again. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around him, the move familiar to both of us. Keta smiled sadly at us, releasing Bryden as he reached for me, settling himself on my thigh, always eager to see a picture on my phone.
         I tapped the picture, forgetting everything except the small children on my lap. William didn’t touch the phone, twisting his hands in his lap while Bryden grinned, pointed, and said, “baby.”
         “Grace,” William whispered solemnly.
        I kissed the top of his head, flicking my finger to show another picture of Grace, this one of her sleeping in the room she and her mother had been put in after Grace was released from the neonatal intensive care unit. William giggled, squirming in my lap. “That’s a funny face.”
         I smiled. “Yeah,” I admitted, “yeah, it is. Right after this-
         “William, that’s enough,” Samuel’s coarse voice cut in. “We’re leaving now.”
         Keta grabbed Bryden as Samuel’s dark brown arm cut in cross of my vision and grabbed William beneath the arms and ripped him from my lap. Bryden’s wail at being picked up blended into William’s cries of protest to stay until I thought my head would explode, my mind whirling to try and find some solution to fix this, to relieve the pressure building in my chest, to alleviate William’s anguish.
         “Daddy, no, please, I want to stay. I’ll never see them again!” he screamed, his angry protests transforming into sobs that shook his small body.
         Samuel was halfway to his car before my body began to move, my legs pumping faster than they ever had before, my mind working slower than ever before. “Samuel!” I yelled. “Don’t leave this way! Let me tell him bye,” I finished, gasping, my heart bounding against my ribs. Samuel didn’t turn as he yelled over his shoulder.
         “One more step, and I will call the cops!”
         In that moment, I wanted him dead.
         William’s cries became muted as Samuel shut the door of his SUV, carefully and calmly opened and closed the driver’s door, and drove out the parking lot faster than was normal, but not fast enough to alert anyone to the rage I knew he was feeling.
         I sunk to the ground, sitting on my knees, my breaths becoming shallow, the darkness threatening to consume me, then and there. My hands fisted in the grass while I forced deeper and longer breathes into my body. I refused to break down and have a panic attack in public. I could prevent this for a few more hours until I was alone and able to succumb to the pressure building in my body. I knew I would end up a sniveling, hyperventilating mess, feeling as if I was going crazy, convinced that if I spent one more second filled with the pain that infected every nerve in my body that I would break with reality. I could already feel the desire to get out of my skin, to leave my body behind, to rid myself of the pain, to rid myself of my own personal demon who continually planned his next attack.
         “Harp!” Bryden’s demanding scream punctured through my haze. “Ice crum!”
         I blinked and focused on Keta, whose eyes were red and cheeks wet, and Bryden who was holding onto her hand, jabbering as they walked toward us. I heard his mispronunciation of Will, but chose to ignore it. “Telling him we would get ice cream was the only way to get him to leave without crying,” Keta said quietly, her voice thick as she wiped a hand across her face. I nodded, stood, and dug my keys out of my pocket, now focused completely on the task ahead. We would get ice cream and not talk about William until we were home, hopefully away from prying ears and eyes.
         I knew the darkness would come for me. It always did. At times, I welcomed it because I knew there would be light, no matter how fleeting, after. As my breaths evened, I decided I wasn’t going to worry about the darkness. There would be time for panic and pain later. There would be time for grief later.
        For now, I was going to focus solely on making Bryden smile and bask in the brief moments of light his smile provided.