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10/12 When she wants to, she'll care. |
The messages are never what you want to hear. Not when her chin keeps looking at me the wrong way when she uses those words. Once again I've caught myself leaning in the direction of my senses like the arrogant bastard with a bothered agenda doing what's best or worst in lieu of what's (never clearly) right, expected or accepted. The rebuttal is always exceptance by deselection, implied by only the evilest of eyes laid emotionless in a silence that can best be described as a tree limb breaking in a calm, heavy snowfall of anger. All I can do is breathe in the guilt of doing my best when I don't know what else to do everytime I catch myself falling over every foot I've left untied for the tripping. I can't stop myself from facing the ground, even when I try. Even when I reverse. There's no way out from in-between. I'm not the victim and if that's so, what am I? I hear the singing of selective emotional spirituality crying from those angels all the time, asking me to think about them because everyone knows you put others before yourself. It's a world of listen first and know the words by the second verse but every time I sing along it's out of tune and I'm out of place because she's only supposed to need help, not me. And I'm not allowed to be incorrect or stray from directions when the instructions are mirror images at best and diplomatically false when the last straw is about to fall from my fingers to her facts. This involvement isn't fashion anymore. The strings were pulled one final time for show, and now, on my weakened knees do I turn my back on all that I have and all that I've already seen gone away before I push myself up and try to walk on my own for the first time in what seems like forever, or just a few years on her watch of perfect timing and even better times when she prays to what is seen in herself as being the idol that has thrown me for all to see into bewilderment, confusion, and nothing but a forgottenness she can only hope for when her spirituality will let her care. |