Losing My Virginity

December 2, 1994

Being a freshman in high school dating a freshman in college somehow translates to the younger being a catch, mature, or one who gives it up.

When my family relocated to the small town of G, it was a fresh start for me. Having lived the past two years of my life in a trailer park while my mom was struggling to make ends meet doesnt necessarily place one at the top of the popularity pole for junior high. I was glad that she and my soon to be stepdad were starting a new life together which meant a better life for me. I was the youngest of three and my older siblings had graduated high school and were out of the house. This meant more room and more freedom for me in the new house where I had my own bedroom for the first time in my life.

I was very self conscious in junior high. I was ashamed of living in the stereotypical trailer park and never wanted anyone to know where I lived because even at 11 years old, you know your digs are far more embarrassing to share than if I lived in the nice part of town. Not even the rich neighborhoods, as those seemed like Never Never land even back then. I knew where I lived and I hated every second of it. I would walk the mile or so home from school before I'd accept a ride from another student's mother. I grew up being envious of those mothers who were involved in the child's school, who attended all the pageants, plays, PTA meetings, open house nights, games or field trips. My mom was always working and I guess she would never be the type of parent who got along with other mom's that were actively invovled in their kid's lives. As long as I wasn't in trouble, she hardly knew anything about me. I would always be "the baby" in mom's eyes.

My parents bought some land and an old house that was a fixer upper to put it nicely. This was a fresh start for all of us and the home would be in our lives forever, I thought. I remember the shade of green the house was. Why in hell did everyone think moldy green was an ok color to paint their homes? I'm not sure which decade this became trendy because our new house was so old but nevertheless. It was a hideous green shade of siding that desperately needed replacing if nothing else a good power scrubbing. So I'm out of the trailer park and into this?

This small wooden house looks night and day different today, 19 years later. We bought the house in the summer of 93 and I started 8th grade that fall. Being a new student in a small town, word travels fast and gossip starts soon after. At my old school the popular girls were wearing bellbottoms a trend that returned around that time. So in starting the new year, I wanted to be ahead of the curve so I bought bellbottoms in four different shades. My family had money now that my mom and stepdad were combining incomes. I'll never forget that first day of school when I wore those bellbottoms. People laughed and made bell noises as I walked by. I definitely but unintentionally made a splash that day. Afterward, I didnt want to return. I was humiliated. Everyone thought I was a joke. If I had stayed at my old school I would have been invited to the popular table at lunch but here I looked like a fool.

I had to return of course. The next few days i went back to my normal clothes. Everyone asked me where my bellbottoms were? They started calling me Marsha Brady, not just becasue of my bellbottom jeans but my hair and physical features sort of resembled Marsha very closely. I was always told that even before moving to the ew school. I have thick, long, healthy straight blonde hair that parts down the middle. i was thin but lean and rather tall for my age. To be honest, I was a natural beauty, a hippie type, I was often referred to. But my absolute fear and total self consciousness were always present no matter where I lived or what clothes i wore. I guess the saying rings true here "you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you cant take the trailer park out of the girl." I do not mean this in the trashy attitude sense but the mentality of being ashamed of living in the trailer park even when one moves far away and into a new home with a better standard of living. It's very difficult to shake.

Being the new "it girl" comes with its perks. The "in crowd" gravitated towards me. After all, my new style paved the way for the popular girls to realize they weren't up to speed with the latest fashions or at least were too chicken to go out on the limb alone and set themselves apart from the flock as individuals. I took a lot of heat from the non-conformists and their constant bullying. This eventually passed once I was an official popular girl. I soon became the trend setter and everyone wanted to be my friend. I never changed like the popular girls who were rude to those less fortunate. Those mean girls who were now my friends never affected me. I never changed who I was or forgot the trailer park I came from although I kept this a secret for a long time. A year passed and I was now a freshman in high school.

All but a few of my popular clique of friends were not virgins. I was shocked by how experienced they were with the older boys in high school. I hadn't even started my period yet at age 14 and here all these girls were having sex, sneaking out of their parents' homes at night, drinking and being bad girls in my opinion and I was completely out of my element. I couldnt believe these good girls, the cheerleaders, the pageant girls, athletes and nerds of this popular group were being so sexually active. I hadn't even really kissed a boy and was sooo out of the loop. It didnt take long for the popular guys; upper classmen were giving me attention perhaps just by association with being in the "in crowd." I grew up in a very strict househould under the watchful eye of my single mother for most my life. There is no way I could ever get away with the crap these girls did with their clueless parents. The clincher here and my route to rebellious freedom came in the form of sleepovers at these girls' houses in the rich neighborhood of town. Of course my mom had no problem with my staying the night with my new friends who were making me the most popular girl in school.

She never in her wildest paranoid thoughts would expect me to be acting out like these good girls did. I never told my parents about their wild ways. In fact, my rebellious inner flame was just getting started. I remember thinking to myself after these "bad girls" teased me about my lack of experience with boys, "As soon as I start my period, I'm gonna have sex." (Yes, i honestly thought this to myself.)

My parents encouraged me to have a Halloween party that year. My family was notorious for large famly BBQ's (the family part coming from my stepdad's family)