Lonely

How to describe loneliness? I should know by now but I can't. Maybe its different for different people. It is said that everyone experiences loneliness from time to time. Some of the more philosophical types may say that we are all alone. But...

How can that be? I am lonely. It hurts so much. I feel like I will fall apart. My parts will just lay there and scatter with the breeze. To mix with the air and dirt until I am no longer there. As if I never where. Insubstantial.

Let me explain. I am loved. I know I am loved. My family loves me. However, this is not because of me. They love me because I am a daughter, sister, niece, and cousin. I am lucky for their love and I love them back with my whole heart.

I am unlovable. There is something wrong with me. Others can sense it, I know they can. The awkwardness and inability to connect with others has always been with me.

I am attractive but men stay away from me. Well, men who want a relationship. I am good for a fuck but not as a girlfriend. I have never been a girlfriend. I have been on exactly one date.

I wish I could say I was broken, but I was never ever whole.

I am missing something. I think. I don't know what. Can I fix this? Can someone fix me? Would anyone ever want to?

My deepest wish is to love and be loved. Without obligation. Without conditions.

I wish for it. I cry for it. I beg for it.

At the same time...I am glad I have never not been lonely. If I knew how it feels to not be lonely...

I don't think I could live with the loneliness now.