As Long As You Feel Better, Mommy

I woke up to the most awful, emotional feeling in the pit of my stomach. The thought going through my head made my throat burn and my eyes fill with tears. I felt as if I already knew the news I was about to receive, the news that would turn my life completely around. I didn't want to believe it; I didn't want reality to sink in.

I looked at the clock realizing it was a Monday morning at 9:00 and I wasn't sitting in my classroom counting down the time I had left there. I jumped up frantically trying to prepare myself for school, avoiding the thought trying to creep back into my mind. The emotions swarmed through my body tearing me apart. I felt like a volcano ready to explode with tears. I swung my door open in search of my dad to ask why he neglected getting me up for school. The gust of a floral fragrance hit me hard when I threw the door open. I then realized the sickening thought wasn't just a figure of my imagination.

I saw my dad sauntering towards me with a calm, content look on his face. Before he could reach me I blurted out the only thing I could say, "Dad, I have school today!" Letting the words roughly fall from my mouth relieved some of the stress from my body. When he told me I wasn't going to school, my body immediately went numb. This was the moment my life completely changed.

My mother passed away that morning in the nursing home she was staying in. She died from a long dreadful disease called Alzheimer's that also took the life of my grandmother and my aunt. This was the first time I actually had to go through the pain and sorrow of a death in the family, since I was too young to remember the passing of my mother's mom or her sister. The disease was like fluffy green moss covering the earths surface, it slowly took over my mothers ability to do anything.

The night before, I laid on my bed silently thinking to myself. I started witnessing flashing images, permanently scarred into my brain. My mom resting helplessly in the white twin bed sheets, knowing all she wants is to be a healthy mother living with her husband and children. I saw my dad rolling the gum-on-a-stick looking thing they called food across her bottom lip. The tears swelling up in his dark eyes as he watches his beautiful wife suffer. It was unbearable. I ran downstairs to my older cousin who was the only one home to watch my little sister and me. I explained the emotional suffering I was going through as the tears streamed down my face.

I heavily pulled my body up the stairs, ready to curl myself up in my thick, warm comforter. My mind was exhausted from the pictures and thoughts crashing through my head. I fell asleep dreamlessly. I slept for a few hours before my body jolted awake. I felt warm and nauseous. It was silent and calm in my shadow filled room. I forced myself to lie back down, knowing something felt different. I felt like something was misplaced or missing. I forced myself to calm down and I drifted off into a deep sleep.

That morning was when I woke up to that awful, emotional feeling in the pit of my stomach. I saw my large living room filled with familiar faces. All of them looked the same with the heartbroken face they made after seeing my big brown eyes puffy from crying.

But I know now, feeling sad because of someone's death is somewhat selfish. My mother passing away isn't all about me or how I feel. She was welcomed into heaven that night and her suffering was taken away. I'll be okay and my life will go on as God planned. Just as long as you feel better, Mommy.