The Fantasy Thesis

I set my cup of coffee back on the desk, matching it with
one of many stain-rings that already lay upon the surface.
Sending my sleeve after a stray dribble that ran down my goatee, I
shifted my attention to the screen in front of me. I was ready to
write, and this time I was not to be distracted.

Of course, I sat in my boxers with a hawaiian shirt on. I
hadn't shaved my normal bare spots--on my face--in days, and my
hair was completely disheveled and greasy. I had neglected to
bathe for the last two days, and I had neglected my family. My
wife took our daughter and went to her mother's place for the
weekend. She said, "I hope you straighten out whatever you've got
loose up there."

Ghastly thoughts that woman sent from her mind. I could
sense them. I could feel them like oil dripping from on top of my
head. "Crap!" I said aloud after glancing at my shoulder. "I'm
going to have to change my shirt!" I decided that I should jump
in the shower whilst I was still distracted from my writing.

I took a five-minute quickie, then put on the same clothes
I had just removed. Therefore sat I down upon my faded rolling
office chair, taking up once again the brown-stained chalice of
glorious coffee drinking. My eyes bulged and I spewed from my
mouth the horrid concoction that was my cold coffee. Though I had
coated my monitor with a sickly brown sheen, I had paper towels at
the ready.

After appropriately cleansing my monitor with the paper
towel and some Windex, I sat down once again to write my thesis on
the whole literary genre of 'Fantasy.' It had been my opinion
ever since attending one of those Fantasy writer's groups that the
entire group of steadfast devotees were narrow and shallow. Not a
good combination at all.

I began to write. The words came freely and rapturously.
I stated my thesis against the muck that is the 'Fantasy' world,
when suddenly a shrill ringing came to my ears. Upon the exit of
the words, "I'm not home! No phone calls!" from my mouth, I
realized it did not pause as a phone. Nor did it sound like my
Star Wars doorbell. I stood from my chair, wondering from where
this new distraction emanated, and was absolutely startled when
the door to my home office opened to reveal what looked to be a
portal like the one on 'Xena' last week.

I stepped through the portal, and instantly my body was
sent hurtling through space at roughly Warp Nine, and I was sure
Scotty or Jeordi or somebody would comment on how I might break up
if I kept at this rate of speed. Of course, one wonders how the
Enterprise would break up when space is a vacuum and doesn't have
the equivalent of air resistance. Plus, if it's an engine
capacity problem, why not just shut the engines off? I mean,
nothing's going to stop you. It is, after all, simple laws of
inertia.

Anyhoo, I was debating with the gods of Fantasy. Sir
Isaac and Carl Sagan could wait up for me if they wished. So
there I was, my gyroscope spinning to its limits, and my body
expanding and contracting to fit into whatever world I was
being transported to. Then, just as quickly as I was whisked
away, I stopped. I found my feet firmly planted on a grassy
plain.


* * * * *


My eyes needed no adjustment, as though I had been
standing in the outdoors the whole time. I soon saw a lone rider
upon a horse eclipsing the hill I faced. I squinted in the glow
of the overcast sky against the horizon of the hill, straining to
see this person in greater detail. In time he approached me.

"Strange garb you have on, sir!" he said jovially.

"Yeah... you too," I squeaked out.

"From where do you hail?"

"A galaxy far, far away, a long time from now."

"A strange tongue with which you speak, indeed."

Before I could question him, he continued, "The witch said
you would be strange. For once honesty becomes her!" He laughed
an exuberant laugh. "Come! You will join me upon my steed!"

He reached an arm down to me, and I grasped it as he
hauled me onto the horse's flank. "What's your name, good sir
knight?" I hoped he was one.

"Bane."

"THE Bane?!"

"That's right. I appear in half of the Fantasy novels
ever produced."

I was taken aback by this sudden exposure of his knowledge
of my world. "So where am I?"

"England, Ireland, Scotland, The great Isle, Brittania,
what difference does it make? They're all the same. Put a 'dale'
suffix on the end of thirteen consonants if you want something
completely orginal. It doesn't matter, does it?" He laughed
again.

"No, I suppose it doesn't. So what am I doing here?"

"The witch said you were to experience the world of
'Fantasy' yourself. Then maybe you'd change your tune."

"I wasn't aware my tune needed changing," I said
indignantly.

He laughed heartily again. I was becoming annoyed by
that. "You fool," he bemused.

"Who's the more foolish?" I asked him. The fool, or the
fool who follows him?"

Suddenly the earth shook violently. "What's happening?"
I yelled.

"You've really done it now!" Bane shouted. You've crossed
the line!"

"What do you mean?!"

Soon dwarves, elves, wizards, dragons, demons, and even
daemons fell from the sky. I cried out to Bane, "Geez, it's
raining dwarves, elves, wizards, dragons, demons, and even daemons
out here!"

"Yes, it is!" Bane took us under the shelter of a tree.

"So what did I do?"

"Like I said, you crossed the line. Last time a
happenstance, shoot-from-the-hip Star Wars line quoter like you
came here, all hell broke loose!"

"Well why does that make a difference!" I shouted above
the din.

"Simple! Star Wars was impure. That Lucas character
crossed the line when he merged Science Fiction and Fantasy. The
gods were NOT happy with that one, lemme tell ya!"

"Well that doesn't make any sense!"

"Sorry, don't shoot the messenger!"

We soon made our way through the maze of dwarves, elves,
wizards, dragons, demons, and even daemons, headed towards the
castle Anthrax. Or Camelot. Or the dark foreboding castle at
the top of the hill. I was told it didn't matter.

"Holy geez!" Bane shouted as he sidestepped the horse off
the dark, steep, foreboding mountain trail into a lovely patch of
flowers. I turned to see a flood of villagers with torches
running up the hill behind us.

As they passed, I ventured a comment, "Boy, they sure go
faster here then in Hollywood."

Bane turned to me and said, "You can't believe what you
see in the movies!" He laughed that haughty, annoying laugh that
had all but disappeared.

We made our way further up the hill when Bane had to
suddenly veer the horse off of the nasty, rocky, craggy trail onto
a ledge where they served brandy, bourbon, ale, and caf... "What
the?! Bane!"

"What?!" he asked, annoyed.

"What are they doing serving caf here!"

"I told you, moron. You opened up the floodgates with
your impurity! There's no telling what rejects from the Star Wars
universe are here!" He did not laugh this time. After taking an
ale with a caf chaser, I looked up the path as the band of
villagers were running back down the hill.

"Have a nice time, Frank!" Bane shouted as he smiled and
waved.

I looked at the villagers to see a rather large, green-
skinned, flat-topped man-looking creature wave to us. "UUGGHHH!"
was all he managed to get out.

"Doesn't talk much, does he?" I asked as I sipped my caf.

"Nah, can't understand a word anyway. I think he's German
or something." Band urged his steed on. "Last name's Enstein I
believe."

"Well, what's HE doing here?!"

"You idiot!" Bane yelled. "How many times do I have to
tell you? You blurred the lines! Now nothing is safe! Nothing
is excluded! Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Horror... you really screwed up you
stupid, stupid man!"

I grinned. "Anger, fear, aggression--"

Bane shoved a finger in my face. "Don't even start--"

"--The dark side are they."

Bane growled at me. I laughed. The haughty, hearty,
annoying kind.


* * * * *


I stood in the receiving chamber for the King of the world
I found myself in. He wanted to see me in person. When he
finally emerged, he strode to his throne with his purple robe
in tow, and beautiful maidens at his side. "Well, well, this is
the man, hmm?" he asked Bane.

"Yes, sire."

"Hmm... strangely dressed--for a knight." Gasps rose from
the gallery. The King stumbled for a minute. "Now I'M doing it!"
He shook a finger at me. "You have really done it. The whole
planet may be destroyed!"

I deepened my voice, "The ability to destroy a planet is
insignificant next to the power of the Force."

"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways,
Lord..." he looked me over, "...polka-dot shorts!"

"Sire, might we go ahead and introduce him to the people
he's here to see?" Bane was almost begging him.

"Yes. Yes, I think we shall. Concorde!" The King
shouted to someone in the hallway. "Bring the parade!"

Soon, the room was filled with people. The first group to
address me were fourteen dwarves. "These are the Seven Dwarves
and their stunt doubles!" The King said.

"How do you do?" I asked them. They did not look happy to
see me. Except the Dopeys. I don't think they cared much. I
looked up at the King. "You can say that again!"

"What?" the King demanded.

"Stunt! Ha! Get it? Dwarf... stunt... dwarf... stunt!"
The gallery erupted in laughter.

"Silence! Next!" said the King.

Soon a man in peasant garb came before me. "Who is this
guy?"

The man spoke. "I am common peasant number one. My
family couldn't be here. Sorry."

"That's okay," I said. "Give them my regards."

Next, several men came before me. "These are the three-
letter brothers," the King began as I shook their hands, "Jek,
Mat, Jon, Hal, Jef, Arn, Orn, and the Incredible Hulk."

I gazed up at the green mass of a man in front of me.
"Hi there," I said with trepidation.

"Hello, how do you do? My real name is Tom, but I like
my title a whole lot better, don't you?"

"Absolutely," I said.

"Next!" said the King. "This is the Princess."

She was ravishingly beautiful and looked like my wife.
"HelllLOOO..." I said. "By what name are YOU called, Honey?"

"Hi there!" she said back, her voice cracking. "Sorry, I
haven't quite hit puberty yet! But I'm a real honest to God
princess! Really!"

"Yeah, and I'm a prince," I said, annoyed.

"My name is Esmeralda, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow
White, or Drew Barrymore. It doesn't matter."

Bane leaned to my ear. "Coincidentally, if you'd like to
win her hand in marriage, you have to climb the beanstalk, get the
spindle, climb down her hair, squeese the golden goose, guess
Rumplestiltskin's name, slay the dragon, kiss the frog, dance with
the Seven Dwarves, eat a roast pig, rub the lamp, defeat Jafar,
ride the monorail, retrieve the Holy Grail, the Ark of the
Covenant, AND the Ten Commandments, and do it all in forty days
and forty nights."

I chuckled. "Is that all, good sir knight?"

"No, you have to get away with it all even WITH those
meddling kids and their dog."

"Blast!" I cried. "I KNEW it'd be complicated!"

The next group before me was a bunch of guys called the
intelligibles. Their names were Khgtfrspsdf, Ktkkkkkkpp, Hg'p't',
and GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-9-K the droid, robot, synthetic lifeform,
it didn't matter.

After I saw Red Sonja (she looked like my daughter), Conan
the Barbarian, Blackbeard the Pirate, Robin Hood, the Dread Pirate
Roberts, the Queen of Hearts, Conan the late show host and Big
Bird, I was ready to go home. "Look, guys, this is all great.
But what do you want with me?"

The King strode over to me, stuck a finger in my face and
said, "We want you to..." his voice became high-pitched "...wake
up, Daddy!"

"Huh?"

The King shook me. "Wake up, daddy!" he cried. "Wake up
now!"


* * * * *


I awoke in my bed with drool in my goatee. My daughter
and wife were there smiling over me. "Honey! I had the strangest
dream!" I said to my wife. "And you were there!" I exclaimed as
I pointed at her. "And you!" I pointed to my daughter. "And you!"
I pointed to Drew Barrymore. "And you!" I pointed to Spider Man.
Taken aback, I pointed at Superman. "Oh, fine time to show up now!
Where were you?" He shrugged.

"Oh, dear, you're fine now. Come downstairs and drink
ale with us."

"Unhand me strange woman!" I yelled. I closed my eyes
and laid back down. I began tapping my heels together. "There's
no place like home," I mumbled....