Memories of a Dark Past

I really love driving at night with the windows down, going about ninety down the express way with that one 80's song you have on your iPod blaring through the speakers. It’s that feeling when you know that you're going to have a great night and the smell of fall lingers in the air. The car and city lights blur to form a beautiful mosaic of color with the night sky as the canvas. The wind dances around you as you gain speed. You're happy and you don't really know why but you don't question it. Nothing can touch you. Suddenly all the shit that you have gone through over the past year means nothing. You are so grateful that you are alive and able to feel this. So happy that you were able to grow stronger and overcome. Those nightly visions of you falling so fatefully to your death seem so distant, so futile now. Because now you are flying.

And then you are with your friends and you're a little high now and you are remembering. Remembering what it was like when you were high every day, when you needed it to be happy. Then that one song, that reminds you of the darkest time in your life, comes on as you sit in the back seat of your friend’s car. The song drowns out everything but your thoughts and you keep thinking and doubting. Doubting if you have really made any gains, if you can accomplish all you need to accomplish. The song grows louder and louder and suddenly the wind isn't singing with the song but its whispering in your ear. Whispering your darkest fantasies. It’s no longer dancing around you, its tugging at you, Pulling you down. The vibrant mosaic of color against the backdrop of the night sky disappears under a sheet of black. You are no longer flying; you are falling.

It’s interesting how one song can change everything you are feeling at a particular moment.