Nothing's Fair in Love and War

What's it like to be left behind?

Ellie's heart sighed as she scanned through the letter, a messy scrawl of childish handwriting written on pale pink notepaper. Her five-year-old daughter's letters never failed to amuse her - nor did they ever fail to bring a tear to her deep brown eyes.
Beside her sat her other letters, one from her son, the other more sophisticated piece from her teenage daughter Kathryn. Every week when they arrived they bought her great joy, and every week when they were deemed 'lost in the post' she died inside a little. But then again, it was her choice. She didn't have to leave them all behind.
Beside her, Laura, a colleague pulled a face. “Any news?” she asked, dropping her own letters in a pile on her lap.
“The usual,” Ellie said with a firm smile. “Lucy lost a tooth and seems to think she's queen of the world or something. Daniel's finally settling into high school, and Kath's as fed up as usual.”
Laura gave a little laugh. “Nothing's changed there, then.”
Ellie shook her head and consulted her watch. Ten minutes until dinner, until more briefing, more training, more running, more thinking and more information piled upon her. Maybe she was getting too old for all of it. In army terms, thirty-seven was getting on a bit, after all.
“You going to write back?” Laura asked, looking up from her own handiwork.
Ellie sighed. “I can't. I'm much too tired, I'll write next week or something.”
Laura's eyebrow arched, “Just say a little something so they know you're okay.”
“They'll know that,” Ellie replied nonchalantly. “They're kids, Worrying about me isn't on their agenda.”
Then, pulling her clumpy army boots on, Ellie stood up and made her way over to the door. “Trust me.”she added, “I know my own children.”


In a small village, somewhere in the UK, Kath gave another frustrated snort. “The post doesn't come on Saturdays, Luce.” she said rolling her eyes.
“But it might,” Lucy insisted, standing on her tiptoes to look out the window.
“It won't,” Kath repeated firmly, “It never does.”
“It could!” Lucy wailed in protest. Scowling out of the window, she let out a huff and began to sniff very loudly. “Is it coming?” she asked in despair.
Rolling her eyes, Kath shook her head and consulted her watch. Seeing her little sister's distraught face, she flicked herself off the sofa and over to the little blond girl who was now almost crying. “Listen, Luce,” she said in a cheery voice, “Mum doesn't always have the time to write. She's got a very busy job shooting all the bad guys and you know that. That's doesn't mean she doesn't love you, and it doesn't mean she's not okay.”
Lucy nodded through her tears. “She's fighting all the nasty guys.”
“That's right,” Kath agreed, forcing the sarcasm out of her voice, “Our mum's a hero.”
That was all it took to make Lucy beam. A wild grin on her face, she bounced onto her feet, “When she gets home she'll get a big gold medal!” she cried, turning and running up the stairs, her face still streaked with the start of tears.
Now left alone, Kath stood up forcefully, pushing her dirty blond hair out of her eyes, checking her watch once again. Almost time. Smoothing out her skirt, she checked her appearance in the mirror, and headed to the kitchen where her dad and step-mum were deep in discussion.
“I'm going out,” she said, interrupting their conversation.
“Where?” Anna, her step-mother asked with a questioning glance.
“Just to walk Tom,” Kath said, gesturing to the sleepy cocker spaniel lying at her father's feet.
“In this weather?” her father laughed, looking at the steady patter of rain as it fell weeping from the sky.
Kath nodded firmly. “He needs a walk, poor doggy.”
“True,” Anna agreed, “You are a angel, Kath.”
“You are, Kath, you must've walked old Tom at least five time already this week,” Gary grinned. “What a wonderful daughter I have.”
“Mmm,” Kath murmured, turning away in embarrassment, desperate to leave. After rushing from the kitchen, she slipped her trainers on, grabbed Tom's lead, clipped him in, and with a rather hurried goodbye, slammed the door shut behind her.
Out in the open, she let out a sigh of relief. Her handbag, strapped to her waist, was quickly opened as she checked her appearance, applied what was left of her mascara, ruffled her hair, giving a satisfied sigh when she was finally content with her appearance.
“Come on then, Tom,” she said, tugging at his lead, “we don't want to be late.”
Responding with a slight moan, Tom Sawyer pushed forward. He was as easily distracted as ever; by the leaves, by the trees, by the ground, by any other living creature within a mile.
Kath continued to march speedily, ignoring Tom's protests, until she came to the centre of the park, where alone on the rustic old bench, a hooded figure was hunched. She slowed slightly now, almost creeping. With a final check of her appearance, a last straighten of her skirt, she coughed lightly.
The boy turned, his brown hair falling about his forehead. Seeing Kath, he broke into a smile, shifted along the bench and began stroking Tom. “I was beginning to think you wouldn't come,” he said with a small curl of his lips.
Kath laughed, “It took me a while to escape the prison.”
Aidan grinned back, his dark eyes crinkling up. “It can't be all that bad.”
“Oh, it can,” Kath snorted. “My mum's never around, and when she is we're supposed to drop everything and run to her side. My dad's oblivious to any of my faults, or my step-mum's either, and my little siblings are stuck between hero-worshiping my mum and crying when her letter's don't make it home.”
“Well, if it's any help my home's not any better.” Aidan said sympathetically. “My mum couldn't care less where I get to. It's all Harry-this, Harry-that.”
“Harry?” Kath asked quizzically.
“My big brother. A complete failure at school, after flunking his GCSEs he joined the army straight from his GCSEs, headed out to where the action was and he's never looked back. Somehow my parents still manage to be proud of him,” Aidan pulled a face.
“You don't think being in the army's admirable?” Kath questioned.
Aidan shook his head. “Not at all. But anyway. How's life?”
Cheering up a bit, Kath launched into an explanation of her art homework was quite literally killing her. She skimmed over her deteriorating grades, filled her friend in about Tom Sawyer's latest habits (chewing green objects, for some bizarre reason), and rounded off with another of her little sister's silly habits.
“She wants to dye her hair ginger,” Kath explained, “and she's only five years old! It's ridiculous, but she says she 'wants to be an orange-haired fairy'.”
“Of course,” Aidan smiled. “My little sister thinks the same.”
“You have a little sister?” Kath asked in surprise, “I never knew.”
“Well, we've only known each other, like, three months. And Shelly isn't exactly the most interesting of siblings, In fact, her life is about as exciting as watching a plank of wood slowly rust for a chemistry assignment, in the rain,” Aidan informed her.
“Fair enough,” Kath mused, staring out at the park ahead.
“Anyway,” Aidan said, at the precise moment in which Kath stood up.
“Yes?” she asked.
Aidan coughed and stared at the floor. “Nothing,” he smiled sheepishly, “Are you going to walk Tom now then?”
Kath nodded, fixing her eyes on Aidan's hazel ones. “If you want a walk, you can come with me.”
A grin appeared on Aidan's face. “I was just going to say how I fancied stretching my legs.”

“Life's a mess,” Kath drawled down the phone later that night. “A total, utter and complete rubbish dump. Like, think how messy my room is, triple that and add a bit more mess, and that's how messed up my life is.”
On the other end of the line, Vanessa rolled her eyes. “Cut to the point, Kath.”
“I'm getting to it,” Kath scowled, pacing around her room agitatedly. “So listen, okay? Because I'm pretty desperate for some decent advice right now.”
“Kath, I'm your only friend. Don't make it sound like you chose to call me.” Vanessa replied sharply.
This much was true. For her first years in high school, Kath had been fully rejected, an outsider. It took her while to realize that warbling on about her amazing mother every few hours had sounded stuck-up, not to mention it has showcased her utter oblivion to the real work of the army. Of course her old opinions were banished soon after, but by then it was too late. When Vanessa joined the school, shy, meek and easily swayed, Kath immediately adopted her new companion, and since had relied on her wholly.
“Fine, fine,” Kath laughed, “but I am actually in a real dilemma right now.”
“Okay...” Vanessa trailed off waiting for more.
“Basically, you know dog boy? The one I was talking to you about in History?” Kath paused, waiting for Vanessa's murmur in response. “Well, I really, really like him. Actual, proper like him.”
“Uh-oh,” Vanessa gaped, “you're kidding, right?”
“No, I'm really not. And I don't have a clue what to do! I mean, I know I should dump Nath but then what if nothing even happens with me and dog-boy? Then what?”
“Katherine, you're speaking nonsense. Nathan has feelings too, and it's so wrong of you to continue things with him when you so clearly like someone else. End it nicely. You know you have to.” Vanessa replied confidently. “You're being ridiculous.”
“I don't mean to be,” Katherine snapped, “I just don't want to end up with nobody!”
“We're sixteen. If you ask me, having a boyfriend in the first place is a little unnecessary.” Vanessa replied in a studious manner.
“That's just an opinion,” Kath informed her.
“It might be an opinion,” Vanessa replied, “but you know it's right.”
Kath laughed, her head shooting up as she saw her door slide open. “Whatever. Anyway, Ness, nice talking, but I've got to go. Lucy's here and by the look on her face, world war three's just broken out.”
Vanessa giggled back. “You have fun with you big sister duties, Kath.”
“You have fun with your life,” Kath retorted, hanging the phone up hastily.
Standing in her room, Lucy was holding her battered pink bunny, her face splattered with tears, her nose red and blotched. She snuffled a little, then pattered across to join Kath on the bed, her gray pajamas crinkling as she sat down.
“What is it, Luce?” Kath asked tenderly. “You alright?”
Lucy shook her head, blond curls falling round her baby face. “I can't sleep,” she wailed softly. “I can't sleep.”
Kath checked her watch, and seeing that it was little past nine, rolled her eyes. “Lucy, it's the weekend. You're allowed to go to bed really late, if that's what you want. And if you can't fall asleep, then you can just lie in bed and relax because you don't have school tomorrow.”
“I had a nightmare,” Lucy sniffed, breaking into a fresh bout of tears. “It was scary.”
Kath sighed. “It was just a dream, silly. But do you want to tell me about it?”
Lucy nodded slowly, then began through tears. “I was going to see Mummy, to help her fight the bad guys. And you and Dan were there too, fighting the naughty guys. So we went to this building where they were, and Mummy isn't there. She is nowhere. So we had to fight the bad guys ourselves, then you disappear and I'm left alone and then I don't know what to do and I-”
She broke off at this point, heaving great sobs spurting from her eyes. She was trembling a little as Kath pulled her into her arms, stroking her matted hair and mumbling soothing words. She was just about to send her back to bed, when Anna's head shot round the door.
“You two okay?” she asked, pushing her light brown fringe off her forehead.
“Lucy had a nightmare,” Kath explained, “but we're fine now. Really.”
Anna gave her a skeptic look and shook her head. “Do you want to go back to bed now, Luce?” she asked in a patronizing voice.
Lucy shook her head adamantly, wrapping her arms round her big sister. “I want stay here with Kath,” she said boldly.
Looking slightly disappointed, Anna rolled her eyes wearily. The girls had never warmly welcomed her, so this sort of behavior was the norm, yet all the same it annoyed her. “Well, just make sure you get her back to bed soon then,” she scowled, leaving the room.
“Y'hear that, Luce?” Kath said, looking into her sister's big, blue eyes. “You need to go to sleep. Come one, I'll tuck you up.”
Lucy nodded drowsily, clutching her bunny as she followed Kath, like a ghost, from the room. Safely under her own covers, she peered up at her sister sleepily.
“If I have another nightmare, will you still be here?” she asked softly.
Kath nodded, her hair falling across her face. “Of course. I'm always here for you.”
“Do you think Mummy's okay?” Lucy said, her eyes drooping dangerously.
Again Kath nodded. “Certainly. In fact, the sunshine we saw today is probably with her right now. And if she looks up at the sun, it's the same sun we looked up to.”
Lucy gave a half smile. “And the same moon.”
Now Kath smiled. “Of course.”
“Night, Kathie,” Lucy mumbled, turning under her covers.
“Sleep well,” Kath said, ruffling her little sisters hair affectionately. Getting up slowly, she tiptoed out the room, straight into her brother, whose grumpy eyes now glared at her.
“Look where you're going,” he warned her, scowling fiercely.
“Be quiet,” Kath hissed back, “Lucy's trying to sleep.”
“Oh, and she needed you again, did she?” Dan asked mockingly.
Kathryn rolled her eyes. “You know she struggles. Now, just be helpful for once in your sorry life, and get out of my way.”
“I'm taller than you,” Dan said, digressing wildly.
Kath smiled slightly. Her brother wasn't, not quite, but he was close. He'd just begun a growth spurt that would no doubt take him well over six foot, up into the sky, Kath reckoned.
“No you're not. But you wouldn't want to be yet, anyway,” Kath replied.
“I'm the tallest in my class.”
“Well, there you go. No need to grow anymore.” Kath said, sliding past him. “Sleep well.”
“You too, Kath,” Daniel replied, moving his lank frame down the corridor, to his own space decorated bedroom, a hive of astronomy related designs, rockets, stars and spaceships. His friends tease him, of course, but he didn't care. Not then, anyway.
Back in her bedroom, Kath sat down on her bed. Leaning across to her table, she picked up the photograph, and held it in her hairs, blowing the dust off the glass.
In the photo, a little girl with a ball of blond hair was running, her pale pink dress flapping above her knees, her cardigan swept down by her shoulders. Behind her was a fence, thick, ugly wire, and in front of her was a woman, a tired, beaten woman in heavy, leather boots. Her face was animated with joy as she flew into her mother's arms. She remembered that day, her sheer joy, her mother's arrival. She remember that evening, her hurried tears, her pained shrieks. Her mother was off again, the next morning. Of course.
Kath sighed.
Would it ever change?