Rules of Life, Maybe

I’m trying to figure out how to live. Not just for myself, but sort of a set of guidelines that anyone can follow. Although I don’t plan on sharing them and if I did I’d do it with a disclaimer cautioning everyone to avoid following them at all costs as they will contradict themselves many times over. They won’t be perfect and they won’t guarantee anything- more like a blackjack basic strategy. They’ll play the odds and double up when the going is good. But even when you follow them, down to a T, you’ll still end up loosing it all. Is that what we’re ultimately aiming for, an inevitable loss? Do we go through life just trying to break even and forget about winning the big money?

Who knows.

I’ll tell you this, though, rule number one: Never be too happy. This one is sort of all encompassing, but it’s number one just the same. I’m not saying you can’t be happy. If that were the case then what would be the point? I’m just saying don’t be too happy, it’s just inviting disaster. For example, if you’re at level 10 happy* it’s hard to drop just to a 9 or 8. If you’re at 10 then something makes you as happy as anything could possibly make you. Think about it, what are the chances that once that’s gone something else will come by that makes you the second happiest you could possibly be? Not good, in my experience. Best to keep it around a 6 (Maybe with a venture to 7 if you’ve done enough research and are confident you can get back to 6 easily). You don’t want to drop more than 2 levels at a time; it’s just not healthy.

From here on there’ll be no particular order, but for the sake of OCD I’ll continue the count.

Rule number two: Be genuine. This one will be contradicted, but we’ll get to that in due course. Be genuine to yourself. If you lie, know that you’re lying, don’t try and make yourself believe it. Do NOT lie about feelings (unless you have a damn good reason). Know yourself. Really know yourself. You need to know exactly what you are, and aren’t, capable of. This goes for both mental and physical and has a big part of being genuine (and not lying to yourself). If you want to run ten miles and you’re capable of running ten miles, run those fucking ten miles. Don’t run 8 miles and tell yourself that’s as far as you can possibly go. Things like that are what make us weak (maybe). I’m sure there’d be more to this rule but I can hardly remember what I’ve already written.

Rule number three: Relationships. Gay, straight or anything in between. Who gives a fuck? If you think you deserve some say in others peoples preference or feelings then you’re an asshole (there’ll be a section on you later, so stay tuned). Give your partner everything they deserve and sometimes more, but never less but also not always more. Stop accusing. There should be two stages in a relationship and those are: You believe everything your partner says because after yourself they may very well be the only person you get to be completely genuine with. The second stage is when you stop believing. The second stage should also be the end. Don’t inquire, don’t dig around, don’t hope, don’t dream, don’t anything. Grow a set and walk away; it’s going to be trash from here on out anyway. If you can say with absolute certainty that they were unfaithful then you punch that other person. I know everyone disagrees with this but I’m not suggesting anything extreme, just punch them once and make it a good one. After all, we are animals and we have to display our dominance.

Rule number 4: Get what you want. Figure out what it is that you want. What you really, truly want. Then you think to yourself: do you have the power to make it happen? If the answer is yes then do it. If not, then start wanting something else. There’s no time to waste on something that you’ve already decided is not in your hands. You don’t get to hurt anyone to get this; you must play fair. Hurting someone in such a way that you’re sure they deserve is, of course, fair. They should have thought about the consequences before they did whatever it was they did.

Rule number 5: Assholes. The world is full of them and you’ll likely act like one from time to time. Draw the line between acting like an asshole and being an asshole. Acting like an asshole can be as simple as say, punching your partner’s lover. Being an asshole takes far more commitment. An asshole is someone who wants credit for something they don’t deserve, an asshole wants something for nothing, an asshole complains and an asshole spends too much time thinking about how others do them wrong and they don’t deserve it.

Rule number 6: Nobody cares. No buddy cares about how good you say you are. Nobody cares about most of the things you say so choose wisely. You can say everything right until you say something wrong and then immediately your listener has labeled you and that label is hard to peel off without leaving some residue. Think about what you’re about to say, think about someone saying it to you, would you care? Probably not. Just be careful to never say too much.

Rule number 7: Hook up with people. You can’t always be a softy and worry about other people’s feelings and your own feelings and all that. Sometimes you just need to get out there and hook up. Just do it relatively honestly, the rules get a little hazy here. Don’t do anything you couldn’t explain to a jury. Not necessarily in a court of law, maybe just a group of friends (but also a court of law).

Rule number 8: Know who you are. You have everyone you’ve ever met in a category. Dumb, sexy, funny, quite, etc. Try and see through everyone else’s eyes what category you’re in. Would everyone put you in the same category or is there more than one you? The more you know about you the better you can use yourself and your personality as a tool.

One more thing about relationships: If someone is really pulling a sleazy on you then you might have to do more than walk away. You can come up with the most elaborate plan to have them walk in on you and their best friend, brother sister or maybe something a little more toned down. But if that’s the path you choose you better be sure you have the balls to pull it off like a boss. (and accept the consequences)

Rule number 9: leave emotion out of it (and masturbate before all live changing decisions). Don’t do anything based on emotion, think about it first. Does it actually make sense or are you wrapped up in the situation. Don’t just think about thinking about it with no emotion, actually do it. You’ll know when you’re doing it because you’ll feel only awesomeness where your heart once was.

Rule number 10: Cut the bullshit. This goes for everything but one thing requires specific mention. Men: stop thinking your better than women and thinking they can’t do certain things or thinking whatever it is that chauvinistic men think. Women: Shut the fuck up about it too. We’re not equal, we’re not the same and we’re not supposed to be. I think that was the whole point, if there ever was one. Both sexes: Stop being assholes. Problem solved.

That’s what I’ve got so far. If you’re this far then I’d imagine you’re about as confused as I am.

If you live by these rules you will, for all time, be a total badass.

Do I live by these rules? Sweet Jesus, no. The badass that lives by these rules is most definitely at a constant level 10 happiness.

* 1-10 scale, 10 being happiest.