Jealousy and Yearning

Some people can spend their lives doing run of the mill jobs. Where as some people are so bursting with talent that they lead happy, fulfilling lives and achieve great things. While some people like me are not even the normal run of the mill average person. Being in the mid thirties, single and living with parents with no job at this age is not even a spectacular failure, but a sordid failure. While there are different kinds of great people and there are different walks of life in which people can achieve greatness, I have always been fascinated by movie actors.Every biography I read, everyone like Al Pacino or Kevin Spacey and many others who have achieved greatness and are leading busy, fulfilling lives did not have great conditions in their childhood. Compared to their childhood, and compared to the challenges they had to face, I have to say I had a near perfect childhood. However, here I am, as I said, an average less than mediocre person. I wonder what in the world differentiates them from me in terms of the ability to achieve. I wonder how they were able to find their true calling. And why the hell is that only a small percentage of people are even able to find out what their true calling is, even with the same raw material (the human brain) that so many years of evolution has given man. Man, how jealous I am of these people who have achieved greatness. What pangs I get when I see some great acting from Al Pacino or Kevin Spacey and to think that I will never even know what my calling is let alone achieve greatness. Oh, if only there was a competition for the worst ulcer due to jealousy, I would win the first prize.

I don't know if anyone else feels jealous the same way I do. I had what you can say a decent job until a year back. I had a shot at a normal life, even though it is run of the mill, at least a decent, comfortable life that most of us live. But, even as a kid, I have always been bothered by delusions of grandeur and jealousy. I read "A Brief History of Time" and I was intensely jealous of Stephen Hawkins. I read "Cosmos" and I am saturated with bile caused by intense feelings of jealousy for every scientist and great man mentioned in the "Cosmos" starting from Copernicus to Galileo to Newton and all the every great minds that came after Newton and ived before Newton.

And while I am feeling jealous about the actors I wonder how they are able to keep their sanity in the midst of so many opinions directed at them. I am not even able to try new things, let alone succeed. I fear failure, I fear making a mockery of myself, I fear ridicule. Now, how the hell do these actors take all the opinions of stupid (and the few intelligent) people and critics and without being tortured by the opinions and reviews, do what they want to do and do it superlatively. The last time my colleague told me I am intelligent but I should focus on science, and not entrepreneurship because I have no business sense (in his opinion), it bothered me a lot. Up to that point, I had always thought the reverse and it upset me so much that whatever business sense I had up to that point I lost that also. The last time my boss told me something that contradicted my personal assessment of myself, I could feel nothing but stress and panic. Getting over the contradiction took a lot of time, which I could have used for better things, but I was brooding over that. Now, I wonder, what do these actors do to keep their minds off the million opinions that are bombarding them all the times. I don't think they can ignore this and not read the opinions in social networking sites . They have to read it. How do they manage to retain their sanity without being totally put off by opinions such as "Jim Carrey is a clown, I like Adam Sandler better or Adam Sandler is a clown, Jim Carrey has talent". I would LOVE to know the secret, so that at least I am not fazed by the criticisms. Well, it does seem like this can be explained by the usual psychobabble that this is all because I have very low self-esteem. But, let's say, I develop a great self-esteem and start to love myself for what I am. But, can psychology tell me what I am and how to achieve greatness or find passion? A lot of people have great self-esteem, and seem to lead happy lives most of the times, but have they really found the passion in their life, or is it just a benign acceptance of what they are?

It really bothers me (actually feels like shit) that I would die a nobody. The effect is accentuated when I am surrounded by books and movies and biographies of people who have made it so big against what seems like insurmountable odds. Oh, how much I try to wipe out my jealousy and try to find something that will give me satisfaction in life, even if I cannot achieve greatness. People around me seem to be happy with what they are doing . For that matter, my own mother is happy with her clerical job and does not suffer from grand delusions the way I do. (Now, let me be clear here. I love my mother, and I don't mean to demean any job. She has contributed to the society and achieved a million times more than I ever did with my delusions, all in her quiet unassuming way with utmost devotion to her job, even though it's boring, repetitive and is just for the monthly salary and there are billions of clerks like her). Why cannot I at least find some job that I am capable of, like the job I had and try to do it superlatively. I did try to do stupid boring repetitive job, which I had for 13 years superlatively. But I was not happy. Finally, the unhappiness and jealousy of the great people was so great, that I couldn't bring myself to go to the job and attend the meetings or perform the repetitive tasks like a good professional. But, devoid of imagination, any real talent, what the hell am I going to except rant?

Thankfully, my rant will be on in an impersonal medium like this (the internet), and will be lost soon among the millions of mediocre and the few superb writings. But thanks to the privacy policies of internet service providers and corporations, my writing will be backed up and probably will be the only thing that I can leave to the world as something as myself. Meanwhile, I am returning to my couch to watch yet another superlative performance from Al Pacino as Dr. Kervokian and yes, you guessed it - feeling intensely jealous and yearning for achievement while appreciating every moment of his acting at the same time.