PMT

A True Story......
A few days ago my usually calm wife awoke in the morning feeling like she really really wanted to strangle or at least hurt someone, ( note to self, hide the ornamental
swords up into the attic ! ), everything and I mean EVERYTHING  got a turn in the firing line and here are just a few examples, when she came up from downstairs after making a cup of coffee she announced the following; the pots weren't put away from last night!, there is a stain on the work top that won't rub off!, the small sink is blocked!, the washing isn't drying, no actually the last bit went something like... The effin washing isn't effin dryin and the clothes maiden has just effin fallen to EFFIN BITS!  and with that hurricane Michelle stormed out to terrorise another area of the house.
After about ten minutes downstairs which had sounded like she had decided to suddenly build an extension onto the kitchen using just her bare hands and bad language she again flung open the bedroom door ( i don't know who built that door but to withstand such punishment he deserves a pat on the back!, ) she again had another announcement, the bacon for breakfast that she had insisted on making, maybe unwisely, was now effin burnt and so if anybody wanted any effin breakfast then they could bloody well help them effin selves to the ashes now smouldering under the effin grill !!,  as she didn't give a toss anymore because she had just rang her mum and she was coming down later so she was off out with her to consume a vat of wine and we could all go to hell, which considering the way this morning was going didn't sound like to bad an idea!.
Now I have to hold my hand up here and admit that maybe I had contributed to the swift movement from defcon 4 to defcon 1 because I had told her innocently enough i thought when she woke up that morning that her snoring had been particularly bad last night.....( another note to self; honesty not allways the best policy ! )..I had no idea that when we awoke early we were allready on the verge of nuclear meltdown this Saturday morning, I had no idea that we had woken up with a target adorning our chests, I had no idea that she had a " lot to do" that Saturday morning, I had no idea that killing someone turned out to be one of them.

Now we have three boys who by now had obviously woken up, especially my older son who must have thought he had woken up in the middle of a  riot as his bed is downstairs near the kitchen, small son who has ADHD/ODD had by now gone downstairs to keep the riot theme going with older son , had decided to answer all questions by shouting back.....NO !, middle son (usually mr grumpy in the morning) had heard that nanny was coming down ( middle sons conversations with nanny usually go along the lines of " hello nanny, have you brought your purse " ) as well as it being pocket money day he had decided that with the  imminent arrival of the mobile cash machine he was going to be in a good mood and on his best behaviour so he popped his head round the door and asked if he could help with anything!!.  Oh If only everyday could be like pocket money day, not a thought to tidy his room of course!....I might even be prepared to put up with that interfering old ...............my lovely mother in law if mr grumpy got up like this everyday , I gave him a quick look that he quickly recognised meant ; go quick, save yourself and so he quietly slipped from our bedroom to the safety of the toilet.
Big son who had also tried the toilet escape but had been followed by little son shouting " NO " at him had decided that fortune this morning had no intentions of favouring the brave had chosen not to put his head around the door to say " good morning " as he usually did for fear of gettin it lopped off!.
So there we were, me in bed wondering wether or not to check the euro millions lottery ticket, or maybe just do absolutely nothing or move an inch, Krakatoa sat on the end of the bed strangling the life out of a cup of coffee ( I half expected the cup to shatter ) , "NO" being shouted downstairs with remarkable regularity  and clarity followed by the occasional very loud bang, middle son determined to milk the day for all it was worth had decided that fortune could well indeed favour the brave was poppin his head round the door every few minutes to ask if there was anything he could do and by now big son could stand it no more and so after dodging little brother with a flanking manouvre to the toilet that any army general would of been proud of had decided that the only refuge for him was a roll up cigarette in the shed!.
A thought suddenly occurred to me that I decided to share with the big bang sat steaming on the end of the bed, " do you realise this morning that starting with yourself all five of us had followed each other into the toilet this morning for a shit", she spat out the mouthful of cold coffee suddenly choking with laughter, ( a breakthrough ) she turned around laughing and said " trust you to notice that" ,  ( another note to self; toilet humour for future reference ), " when your mother gets here ask her if she wants one" go for broke I thought,  she laughed some more  and so with coffee running down the bedroom window  she came and sat down beside me saying " Ime sorry, Ime PMT this morning", there was a brief silence only broken by myself simply whispering " I know " and so we had a cuddle.
After a while big son came out of the shed waving a white flag and made us all breakfast, middle son hung the washing out as only a teenager can or can't had called for his mates and funnily enough arrived back at the house at the exact moment the mobile cash machine arrived was now out to town with a smile on his face after making a withdrawal from the bank of nanny,  small sons tablet had kicked in at last and so the shouting and small earthly tremors had stopped, now he quietly and calmly says no! at least until that precious little tablet wears off again.
My wife is out with her mum and as to what condition she comes back in who knows or cares, she deserves more time away from this chaos, as for the rest of the day?.............well Ime starting to get depressed as the lottery ticket didn't win and Ime back at work tomorrow, PMT woman will probably be drunk, mr grumpy will be back having spent his pocket money so tonight and tomorrow its back to mr grumpy with attitude, little sons tablet will wear off so the word NO will return with a vengeance as for big son ime sure that the the do not disturb sign will once again be hung on the door of the shed soon with smoke gently wafting through the top of the door !.