My little dark secret

Chapter One

The end

I look at myself in the mirror, not believing that I am here. The last three years flew in my head quickly and I shiver. Who would believe that a perfect relationship could have turned that way? And I am different, much different, even numb. Naturally a very loving and romantic person, all I feel right now is lust. Lust for the men that made me suffer, men that made my steady and planned life hell. I am frustrated at those feelings and at myself, I don’t understand myself anymore. I sigh loudly.

It burns somewhere deep inside. Stab once, i'm on my knees, stab twice, i'm on the ground, stab three and im dead...Why don't i just disappear...coward! Maybe i just love the pain, i`m a freaking masochist! Or maybe i just don`t know anything better. I just don`t know what to do with myself since he left. I want to do bad things, very bad thing, but i just love this person to much. What the hell?

He owns me, even if we are not together. What if i like it that way, I sacre myself with the thought.

I can understnad him though, I put him through hell too. He doesn`t trust me, and it`s my fault. I have a big, dark side, that for a reason the only persone I chose to show was him, the persone who I love to death, the master of my world.

He was always so loving and protective of me. And now he is there with somebody else, makes her feel like I used to, stealing my happiness, giving it all to her. I close my eyes and my thoughts begin to fly as i fall asleep.

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“You have to leave,” he says coolly. I look up at him blinking confusingly and taking another sip of the cocktail .

“I told you…I promise it would get better.” He shakes his head, as in desbelieve.

“I want you gone. “My eyes start to tear and i freeze. My thoughs are messed up, i just don't know how to keep him anymore. He looks down at me frowning. He is mad, very mad. His usually boyish face looks much older, exhausted. All what I want is to be next to him, hug him and kiss gently, make all his worries go away.

“Why? “ I bend my head to the side with a quizzical expression restraining myself from touching him.

He pauses for a moment and thinks. “I found somebody else,” he says slowly. “We have been seeing each other for a while now. I am happier with her. I don’t want you here anymore. “

Alcohol hit my head and the room starts spinning. My world just shuttered into ten million pieces and I want to disappear. I grab my bag and head out of the apartment to my car. I turn around as hear his voice.

“I steel want you around… as a friend.” he says as I run out.

“I don’t think I could do that, “ and with those words I run out of the building.

Once inside my car I burst into uncontrollable tears, shaking. How could he? I gave him three years of my life, being with him through the good and the bad times and now I’m alone. I try to close my eyes to sober up so I could drive…where?

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A week later, I’m here again. In this familiar surroundings, so welcoming. Nothing changed- a small crappy apartment with beige dirty walls and old furniture. Nothing too attractive, but it used to be mine too. Run away, I scream in my read, but I shake those thoughts away. After all I came just to hang out, I’m trying to persuade myself. He told me he doesn’t want me anymore anyways.

“What’s up? “ I hear his boyish, playful voice behind me.

“Not much Danny.” He walks firmly towards me. My world shakes as he approaches me, his usual smirk on his face. What I would do to kiss those lips again.

“Hey,” He pulls me chin up with his fingers. The next thing I know, he is kissing me, with passion, as if he read my thoughts, but there is something missing, I don’t feel the same. I respond, my tongue in his mouth, searching for my lost love. Then suddenly he pulls away, smiling at me though I couldn’t overlook his cold eyes. No he doesn’t love you anymore, my conscious screams at me waiving her hands.

He pulls me closer lifting the skirt of my black dress slowly with his finger. I move back, releasing myself from his touch.

“Danny, I can’t. I just can’t. It’s not me! “I lie to him and to myself. I knew exactly why I came here and it surely wasn’t to hang out. His feelings for me are gone, vanished. I know I will never get the good old days back and this is the only thing I want from him now, nothing else, even though I try to ask him to come back to me, in my embrace. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s my horrible stubbornness or my broken heart talking, but deep, deep inside I know it’s over… for good.

With one quick movement he grabs my hand, puts it behind my back and pushes me on the bed.

“Hush,” he whispers. I hear him opening a drawer with his spare hand and pulling out a condom. After a moment he quickly lifts my skirt and slides inside me without warning. I don’t try to protest anymore as the warm familiar feeling feels my body.

I groan as he moves fast, very fast, pounding into me. I gasp at every move, the feeling building inside me stronger, so exquisite and pleasurable. I didn’t take long for me to get there, the sweet feeling of pure pleasure spreading though my body and I come, my hands grabbing, pulling on the sheets. He comes right after and quickly pools out, leaving me on the edge of the bed, breathless. I can barely feel my legs.

Surprisingly, I don’t feel what I’d expected to, no relief, no happiness. I suddenly feel like crying, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the way we just had sex, cold, emotionless. I feel like curling up in his lap and falling asleep but I resist as I sit in the bed beside him as he starts playing a game on his console. Loser, I scream in my head. And now I feel like a loser too.

“Thank you for the good time, Danny. I have to go now.” He gets up and gives me a quick kiss. I suddenly feel nauseous, not at ease.

“Bye,” he says briefly and comes back to his game. Boys and their toys!

Once inside my car I close my eyes. I feel so vulnerable, I don’t like it. I need to clear my thoughts. Coffee! A bright idea appeared in my head and starting the engine I head towards the nearest coffee shop.

I quickly glance in the mirror before getting out of the car. My hair is a mess; luckily I have no makeup on or I’d had to fix it too. Brushing my hair quickly with my fingers I head inside the small coffee shop.

It is nice and cozy inside. White walls with grey brick in the middle, black tables with comfy chairs spread far apart from each other. I love it here, nice place to just sit and think without being bothered.

The waiting line is ridiculously long, but I don’t have a choice, do I? I grab my phone and check my messages as the waiting time promising to be long.

Suddenly I feel uncomfortable feeling someone’s looking at me. I turn my head around. Behind me standing a fairly young man, probably late twenties, with a beautiful big smile, short black hair, and he looks at me with a fair interest in his big green eyes.

“Hi,” he says smiling. Oh god, his smile is very, very charming especially with the combination of his shining green eyes. I got paralyzed for a second, but my bad mood was still there.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think my mommy will appreciate me talking to stranger men on the street.” I snap sarcastically and turn back to my phone. I hear him laugh so I turn back facing his glowing face.

“Am I amusing to you, Sir?” He smiles again and I melt. I can’t resist but to smile back at him.

“Very.” I blush. Gush, I just need a break from everything and now this.

“I’m Alex,” he introduces himself warmly.

“Claire,” I murmur back.

“See, now I’m not a stranger anymore and your mommy won’t have to worry.” He smiles. I burst in laughter. My mood suddenly seems much lighter.

“Good. I hate seeing a girl with such a beautify smile in a bad mood.” He is obviously proud of himself. I blush immediately.

“Good afternoon. What would you like?” I hear the enthusiastic voice from the girl behind the counter.

“Mocha Latte, please.”

“And a black coffee, please” Alex says to the cashier, then turn his eyes to me. “This one is on me.” I blush again, but say nothing. What the hell, why not? He is very charming and he seems to ease my mood.

As we got our coffee, he grabs my hand and leads me towards the far corner table. He is acting very familiar, it intimidates me. I don’t like people touching me under any circumstances....besides Danny.

We were talking for over an hour. He told me that he is an engineer in one of the most prestigious company in the city, just graduated from university. He seems very ambitious. He has a plan for the next five years of his life and apparently until now his plan is been working perfectly.

As I am about to slide in my car he took my hand.” I hope I get to see you again, soon” he smiles at me and gently, pulling my hand to his lips, kisses my knuckles. Gosh, this guy is a gentleman. “Let’s say Friday, around six?”

“Great,” I nod in approval and drive away.

The week was going slowly, a lot of work and routine. It is early September morning and it starts to get colder outside, trees slowly changing their colors. I am sitting on the balcony of my apartment, covered with a light blanket and listening to some relaxing music, watching the leafs slowly fall on the ground. So numb, I sigh.

My phone starts vibrating on the table. “Claire here,” I answer quickly.

“Hi. What’s up,” I hear a familiar boyish voice on the phone. Everything squeezed inside me and I suddenly felt very lightheaded. “Claire, you’re here?”

“Yes,” I got to push the word out of me as I felt breathless. What does he want? I just started to move forwards… as much as I can. “What do you want Danny?”

“I kind of had an opening today and I was wondering if you could pass by?”

“Why did your girlfriend run from you so quickly, screaming in panic and waving her hands?” My sarcasm kicked in, but it is only a miserable defense mechanism. I know why he called me and I don’t want this… or do I? That what scares me the most.

Then I remembered that I have a date today. But it is only at six and not far away from where Danny lives. Can I? Should I? Ah, fuck it!

“Claire, please. I don’t want to talk about her with you.” Damn right, I say in my head. My conscious still doesn’t approve of my actions with this man. He’s not a man he’s a child, a greedy, greedy child! I shake my head at my stupid self.

“I would love to, but I have to leave around five.” I squeeze out.

We agreed to meet in two hours, so I have plenty of time to take a shower and pumper myself. Oh my, why am I so excited? I should despise this man, but no I run like a doggy for his call. I don’t like the power he has over me; I don’t like people in general to have more power than me. It is frustrating, but here I am, putting my sexiest dress and high black heels.

It is for your date with Alex, not for Danny! I try to convince myself.

I surprisingly look in the mirror. Wow! I am shining. Why, because of Alex or Danny? I am wearing a small black dress, hugging my thighs to my knees, shiny black heels and long earrings falling on my shoulders. I decided to let my hair loos. Yes, that looks sexy.

This is the last time. This is the last time. I repeat the mantra in my head as I stand in front of Danny’s door. With a sigh I knock on the door. A couple of seconds later he opens the door, stand there shirtless, smirking at me.

“Hi, baby.” Gush, I melt and with the entire straight I could accumulate at the moment I enter the apartment. “I missed you,” he whispers as he gently caresses my hair. I lean in his touch, longing for it. I couldn’t withhold myself anymore, launched myself at him, pushing him against the wall and locking him in a rather violent kiss. I lost all sense of control, all sense of time and space. I deepen the kiss, my hands lock in his hair, his hands running down my body.

Kissing, we end up in the dining room. He grabbed me by my waist and put me on the table. His lips move down my jaw, on my neck, kissing and biting my skin. He pulls my hair so I bent my head and give him easier access to my throat. His hand on my breast, caressing it. My nipples harden and uncomfortably rubbed on the material of my bra. A deep, carnal feeling spread through my body.

With a quick move he removed my panties. “Condom?” I breathe. He looked at me for a moment, trying to catch his breath, then with a sudden move he grabs me and puts me over his shoulder. “Danny!” I scream as he heads into the bedroom and puts me on the bed.

Not wasting time he grabs a condom and puts it on. Breathing heavily he looks at me with dark eyes. Oh I know what he thinks about!

“Are you going to stand there or you going to fuck me?” I tease and laugh, a dark mocking laughter. He slowly moves towards me, with a dark, wry smile and pushes my knees apart, climbing over me and pressing me into the mattress with his body, his erection pressing against me.

“Oh, baby, I wouldn`t dare to make you wait.” And with those words he eases himself inside me, filling me with the familiar, warn feeling. I groan as pleasure fills my body. This is fantastic, this is what I want. Then suddenly he pulls out and I narrow my eyes at him. He gives me a wild smile and thrusts back inside me, deeper. And then again out and in, and again and again, teasing me. I curve my back at the feeling of pure pleasure building in my body. I’m there, almost there…

I am lost in the feeling, for a moment feeling happy, free, and released. Gush, I still love him, wast the last though before my consious sleeps away.

( This is going to be rebuild in a more appropriate and longer story. Im working on it right now. Any comments and suggestions will be strongly appreciated.)