Gay or straight?

Of all the things not to question, I have never questioned my sexuality. Whatever happened, I just went with the punches.
Now I wrote yesterday about my “journey” through SI and I came to realize the men in my life, all of them, were not good men. Men were angry, and men stole what I had. Men abused me, men took my love away from me. Is it possible that certain circumstances led me to THINK I was gay, but I really am straight?
I know, it’s a sensitive subject.
“You either like girls or you don’t”
“You have never loved anyone, at any time”
“Dude, it’s impossible to like the same sex”
“Don’t get all caught up in labels, who cares what you are?”

I don’t care about the label; it’s the principle that gets to me. I don’t judge people, so I won’t bash gays if I am one or not. I’m not worried about if it is right or if it is wrong. It IS wrong however to use people as some coping mechanism to hide the fact that I don’t like men, or certain men.
It would be the same thing if it were the other way around. If I were straight to hide the fact that I don’t like certain girls because of the experiences I have encountered.
So, that would bring to the next subject; are the girls I have crushed or been with people I really liked? This girl I’m with…she’s beautiful, luminous, she is free in her own way yet broken, she is different than anyone I have ever met; she keeps secrets and gets the things I say. Is this enough to wrap my arms around her?
I see friends the same way. I know when a friend is beautiful and different; I know when I am grateful for the people in my life. But then, how do you know if you like someone if not for the electricity that goes throughout your veins with every touch?
Then, everyone feels good if you are being petted or something. Hell, I almost cried when my friend hugged me for a long time and squeezing me like the hug was meaningful. It was meaningful to me.
My mind is always complimenting other people, knowing the best in people. I am an expressive person when it comes to feelings of all kinds. I’m a writer; I try my best to pay attention to detail. Detail and expression can make things seem stronger than they really are; which if you are writing a story, is the point. But not when you are dating someone, or crushing on someone.
This is like, tie tied. If all the men in my life were well, not good and the girls in my life were sweet and gentle and soft, well, who would choose but the better cookie?
I don’t know if that is an agreeable argument though. Just because something is better does not mean you should go for it for that reason. That is using people, hiding things that should not be hidden. This is against my values. Funny, I’m sinning subconsciously.
I am old enough now to know one person may be similar to another, but this does not mean all people are like this. There are good people out there, there are like millions of people in the world.
Yet, if I am old enough to realize this why do I still attract to the same sex? Maybe because I just realized that I might not be gay, maybe so I wouldn’t get hurt again by another male or even male figure. If you are convinced for years that you’re gay, how would you know if you’re straight consciously? See?
Now, I am not saying that being gay is impossible, that it isn’t feasible. Obviously, this is not true. People have been gay before the bible, and after. I know a bunch of gay people, and I am okay with this. I know that the relationship is real, not everything can be fake for all the timeline of the world. THAT is not feasible.
It is possible however to think one thing from another, because of fear or experiences. You might not even know it, because you do not acknowledge this. Blackouts and flashbacks baby, it happens to a lot of people.
What is the conclusion to this new train of thought? I am still in a relationship with the same sex, so it would be very awkward and hurtful if I broke up with her because I MIGHT be straight. However, if I am straight this would mean I am using her. I do not know anymore, what sexuality I am. I know that every relationship in high school except for 1 percent, break up before marriage or a “serious stage”. Therefore, I think I will wait until time says we should break up; because if we are that 1 percent, (which I highly doubt) then that would mean I am not straight. As for everything else, I cannot fully say anything except time will tell.