Memories

Dear Joseph,
I still remember the first time we met and how you instantly attracted me to you. I tried to ignore the feeling that was slowly making the walls protecting my heart crumble. But there was something about you I couldn’t resist. Was it your smile? Your attitude? Or was it your persistence? All these things are still unknown to me, even after 20 years of knowing you.

The feeling which I came to know as love began to grow and grow every second I was with you. You made my insecure personality fade until I could be myself again, and I thank you for that. If I would’ve never known you I wouldn’t be able to be myself again. If I hadn’t met you I’d still be the same old person I was back then, the one who shut everyone out. I wouldn’t have known how to love or laugh, even smile.

Week after week you’d keep trying to hang around me even when I pushed you away. You were so intent on being my friend and I didn’t understand why. Every time I would ask you would just tell me “I just simply want to be your friend.” Turns out that wasn’t the complete reason.

Eventually I opened up to you and told you my past. How my family just left me one day. How I came home from school to find the house empty of furniture and everything. How they had just packed up and left me all alone. I was only 11 years old.

The day I told you, was the day I started having a funny feeling in my stomach. Not a bad one, but surprisingly good. It was something I’ve never felt before, and I was scared.

I remember a year after we became friends, it was my birthday and you were acting weird, like you were keeping a secret that so desperately wanted out. That night we were on my rooftop just gazing at the moon when all of a sudden you let out a growl of frustration. I asked what was wrong and that was the night we both confessed and I had my first kiss.

Three years later you proposed and I said yes. Six months later we were married and that night I gave myself to you. That’s one thing I will never regret it my life, along with opening up to you.

We ended up having twins, a boy and a girl. You begged me to name our little girl Emma. I wondered why and you told me that it was the name of your unborn sister. “She happened to be a miscarriage” you told me. I agreed and we name our little boy Seth.

Emma and Seth had grown up to be 10 years old when we got the news. You had fallen ill so we went to the doctor’s. You ended up having lung cancer due to secondhand smoke. I remember you telling me not to worry so I hid my emotions. You were the best thing that’s’ ever happened to me. How could I not be worried? You gave me the life I have now.

Five years later Emma and Seth were killed in a shooting incident. They were in the hospital for weeks until eventually they drew their last breathes, together like they had always been. Those two were inseparable. I remember how Seth would always make me laugh because he would always be protective of Emma over the smallest things. He definitely took advantage of being three minutes older.

I grew depressed but you always managed to cheer me up even though you were grieving as well. Later that year you were gone. My last ounce of comfort and love was gone.

After you were gone I would always find myself thinking of what has happened over those 20 years I knew you. That was the only thing from keeping me insane.

In your will you made me promise to hang onto this life, to stop hiding within myself. So I did.

All of the memories of you, me, and our family is the only thing keeping me on my feet and in contact with the world. Sometime I hear you whisper to me, reassuring me everything’s going to be okay like you did when you were here with me. When I came to my senses silent tears rolled down my face because I realized you weren’t really here. At least, that’s what I thought.

The reason I’m writing this is because I feel the need to. As if pouring out my heart and thoughts will make me feel better. This makes me feel as if I was really talking to you right now, but I know I won’t get a reply.

Since you made me promise you something, I’m going to make you promise me something. Hopefully you’re looking down on me and see this.

I want you to promise me that you’ve been waiting for me. I’ve been waiting here in this world long enough without you. I need to be with you. Promise me, and I’ll be there in a heartbeat.

Just once were you ripped from my grasp by the hands of fate. Not this time. I won’t let you slip through my hands again. I hope you’re waiting for me up there because I’ve been waiting down here.

Now I know what I must do. For you and only you, I will give my last breathe to be with you forever. I love you, see you soon.

Love,
Maya{/i}