Lesson 2 - Review Assignment

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Hi Spawn of Sylvia Plath . This is a review from jadelette!
After reading "Invalid Item"   I have the following comments to offer, I hope you find them useful:

Overall Impression:
I really enjoyed reading this story and found it to be very well written. I love how you have painted a clear and detailed picture of what life is like in this futuristic world, using just the characters' observations and subtle, implicit statements. You have managed to create a very believable future world where technology has advanced enough for us to survive in a time where traditional farming and rural lifestyles are no longer possible due to the Earth being ravaged and stricken. I love the details included about everday life, such as the vegetable garden at school and the different syllabus, which work really well to help paint a vivid picture of life in the future and how people have tried to overcome the problems. You have also given a really clear impressions of the problems that people face in the futuristic society, particularly the financial struggles.

Overall, I found this to be a poignant and thought provoking story. It really makes you think about what the future will be like if we carry on down this materialistic, consumer orientated path. At the same time it inspires a mood of hope, in that your main character, Cory Angel, is an intelligent and efferescent little boy, still full of hopes and dreams, and finding wonder in the world around him. It gives a sense of how valuable human life is, in that we always find ways to overcome problems, taking strength and enjoyment from so many people, places, and ideas. 

The plot is orginal and exciting. You know throughout that something is going to happen to Cory, but nothing is given away. There are little hints slipped in, like Cage's eyes being puffy when the glasses are removed from his face, but the reader is left guessing why Cage might be crying. It is a real shock when Cory comes out to find Cage gone! The story is centered around a young boy coming to understand the world in a new way and having to overcome struggles with uncertainty and betrayal by those he loves. There is not a lot of action, but this story doesn't need it. It is all about internal conflict, and this is portrayed wonderfully through the actions and thoughts of the main characters.

Suggestions:
I just have a couple of suggestions, based on my observations as a reader and personal preference. I am only an amateur writer, but an avid reader, so I hope that these suggestions prove useful.

I think that the story is very well written and draws a very vivid picture of an imagined future. I think that narrating the story in third person but based on Cory's perspective also works fantastically, and the tone used to describe his thoughts and feelings captures his age remarkably well. Cory is obviously supposed to be very intelligent, quite mature and deep thinking for his age, but he still clearly demonstrates a childlike exuberance and many characteristics of young children his age.

I felt however, that the opening didn't quite fit with the story being told from Cory's point of view. You wrote:
"Cory Angel looked out the window. The solar-paneled streets of New Omaha ended abruptly, and old, crinkled asphalt roads took over. The close-packed buildings of the city gave way to old farmhouses standing alone, surrounded by skeletons of plants, all crispy and brown."
Whilst this is wonderfully descriptive, it seems not to describe the view a child would see as they looked out of the window. The tone and languaged used make you think of an older person surveying the view. It threw me when he then asked about going to daycare and was revealed to be a little boy.

I would suggest removing the first sentence "Cory looked out of the window", thereby making this an objective description rather than a point of view, and introducing Cory afterwards.
An example of what I mean follows:
1) Outside the window, the solar-paneled streets of New Omaha ended abruptly, and old, crinkled asphalt roads took over. The close-packed buildings of the city gave way to old farmhouses standing alone, surrounded by skeletons of plants, all crispy and brown. Each bump in the road rattled Cory in his seat. "This'n't the way to daycare," he observed.

The only other suggestion I have is that you might consider using shortened versions of the characters' names after first introducing them. It seems quite unnatural to keep calling them by their full names, Cory Angel and Cage Alexander throughout the piece. At times it seems to break up the flow of the writing a little. It would be more natural to just refer to them as Cory and Cage after first introducing them.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't find anything wrong throughout most of the story, just a small typo in the following sentence:
"bA nice waitress held his hand while he waited for Cage Alexander to pop out from nowhere and yell, "Boo!" but it never happened."
Obviously you don't need the b at the very beginning there.


What I Like:
I love the way that you have portrayed the future. I think you have done a marvellous job of thinking up little details that would have changed in people's lifestyles, and also keeping a sense of it being the same world with the same flawed inhabitants. You have made it very real and believable, well done! I also love your characters - Cory instantly comes across as a special little boy and you care about him from the first moments you meet him. All in all, I'd say this was an excellent story.

Rating 4.5