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“Save the heart for someone else, doctor” Noelle said as she leaned her head on the comfy seat inside the doctor’s surprisingly not-smelling-like-disinfectant-office. In fact, the office actually smelled like Noelle’s home few years back, the smell of orange. It was the number something times she told the doctor the same thing about the heart transplantation plan. Probably already hundreds time considering the uncountable times she’s been in and out the office and the hospital.

Doctor Timothy Davis who was sitting in front of her with her health chart on his right hand sighed and about to argue but he stopped abruptly when he saw Noelle smile. Instead, he raised his left brow.

“Chill Timothy.” She chuckled then her smile faded and turned her face blank. “Maybe this time, I’m meant to die”

Timothy put the chart down and clasped his hand underneath his chin; eyes stared into the wandering eyes of the red headed girl in front of him. Noelle Lee was his best friend despite the fact that they’re years apart. He’s been taking care of this one girl since she was first sick until she’s good and now she’s on the edge.

“I’m going to call your twin brother,”

“He wouldn’t care,” Noelle said as he was about to reach for the phone. Timothy frowned. Had he missed a few things past these few years?

“I’m going home,” Noelle rose up from her seat and straight up her violet blazer. She huffed and turned on her heels but then stopped before she turned the knob to lead her outside the office.

“Don’t say a word to my brother. I’ll tell him myself,”

And when she felt Timothy nodded, she left.

Noelle leaned her head onto the cold bus window. That was one of those days where she didn’t feel like making her personal driver drove her to anywhere she wanna go. She hadn’t been able to drive herself lately since the only feeling she seemed to feel was tiredness and sometimes pain in her chest. The news of her condition reached the final stage rang through her ears. It felt weird. She didn’t really know why but she felt weird. She wondered if she’s meant to feel weird knowing that she’s about to die. In most movies she watched, the person who’s about to die always either cries dramatically or living in denial. And she felt neither.

The bus finally reached her stop and she took her cue to left the bus and walked a few meters to the gate of her big mansion. She was out of breath by the time she put her hands on the gate. Just like usual. The lately usual.

“Ah, you’re home tonight brother. What’s up?” Noelle said cheerfully as she entered her house and saw her own male version sitting on the wide sofa watching some news with a low volume. Ashton Lee didn’t even turn his head or even replied his other half. He kept his gaze on the wide flat screen and pretended that nobody was talking to him.

Noelle snorted and shook her head before sighing at the long stairs in front of her.

Noelle had forgotten when did they start become a complete stranger. She and her older twin obviously. Back in the childhood days, they’re inseparable. It was probably the fact that they’re growing older. Or probably Ashton was just sick of her act. Or something. These kind of thoughts always haunted Noelle’s mind every day and worse every after Ashton ignored her.

***

The next morning came with a rushing nausea as Noelle’s alarm. She jumped out from her bed and barely made it to the toilet as she threw up. It was more of dry heaving since she didn’t eat much the night before, only a few crackers and milk since she didn’t feel hungry at all.

“Stupid … stupid body,” she cursed sleepily as she spitted one more time before she flushed the toilet bowls. Noelle’s head felt so heavy and so did her body. She didn’t have any energy to even stand up. So, she stayed leaning onto the toilet bowls until she fell asleep again.

As expected, Noelle woke up on the cold and hard bathroom floor. She groaned and dragged herself out from the bathroom and laid herself onto her soft bed. She didn’t feel like waking up anymore. The bed was too comfortable and warm. Plus, her body was aching badly and her head was still heavy. But suddenly, a knock on her wooden door was echoing through her eardrums.

“Miss Noelle, do you want a breakfast?” Rosa, her trustworthy and eccentric maid shouted from the other side; she kept on knocking while she’s asking though which was really annoying when it happened in the morning when you felt like you’re dealing with the worst case of hangover.

It’s odd. Rosa never specially fixed a breakfast unless …

“I’m coming!” Noelle shouted back and forced herself up despite the aching bones underneath her skin and the ground seemed to be shaking underneath her feet. Rosa never specially fixed a breakfast unless Ashton was home because she knew that Noelle loved to fix her own breakfast and most of times she skipped breakfast.

“Morning, brother!” Noelle shouted cheerfully when she entered the dining room where Ashton was already fully dressed in complete Armani suit. He must had gotten a meeting again and would leave for another weeks or even months.

Ashton snorted when he saw his twin smiled brightly as the sun outside. His eyes looked as if he was telling Noelle to screw off before he broke something.

“Someday you won’t hear me calling you like this anymore though …” Noelle said with a hint of bitterness as she took a seat in front of the glaring Ashton. Rosa already put her favorite cereal in front of her, served in the kind of warm she always liked.

“I’m leaving, won’t be home ‘till next few months. I think,” Ashton muttered and pushed himself off the chair as he took his brief case.

Noelle bit her lower lips as her disappointment creeping in faster and faster.

“Can’t you stay a little bit longer?” Noelle asked while looking at her bubbling cereal which seemed to be swimming happily together in the lake of milk.

Ashton himself was shocked but he tried his best not to show it. His twin sister never did once asked him to stay whenever he announced that he wouldn’t be home. And it happened more than the commercial break for TV news.  He quickly shook his head and took his leave.

Noelle gripped her chest and blacked out.

She woke up with the face of Doctor Timothy examining the machines beside her. Ironic was the first word entered her system which followed by a long sentence consist of the words I, have, not and died. Noelle raised her right hand and pat Timothy’s arm.

“Don’t look too hard. I have not died,” She grinned widely. Timothy sighed and put his clipboard down.

“I have told you Noelle, no stress,” Noelle chuckled at the doctor’s remark. No stress. She didn’t feel like under a stress.

“I’m not stressed out, doctor. Chill. So, who brought me here?”

“Ah, your maid called the ambulance and she was here,” the same feeling of disappointment was creeping back. Noelle already put a coin on the hope card that it was her twin brother.

“Can I go home then?”

Doctor Timothy shook his head no, “I’m keeping you over night. Get some more rest.”

Noelle was released two days later and to her surprise, Ashton was home.

“Whoa? Aren’t you supposed to be in England? Or … I don’t know, Alaska?” Noelle asked nonchalantly and added up a small shrug as she leaned against the same shiny sofa where her other half was sitting on.

Ashton flipped the newspaper he was reading close and turned his head to face the now green haired girl. Apparently, Noelle made a visit to the nearest saloon to get her hair dyed as soon as she was out from the disinfectant factory... at least that's what she thought. Ashton snorted at the hair color.

“Why were you hospitalized again? Stop pulling some stupid acts, Noelle. You aren’t the main star in this world.” Ashton barked and threw the newspaper away. He was now inching closer to a scowling Noelle. Noelle secretly laughed at Ashton’s remark about her pulling some stupid acts. Seriously?

“Yeah, someday I wouldn’t be pulling this stupid act anymore,” she mumbled and pushed pass her twin to reach her bedroom.

Stupid act, he said?

Noelle couldn’t stop but imagine on how her funeral would turn out to be. Would Ashton scream like a mad man to her dead body asking her to stop acting? That would be funny.

“Do you want some dinner?”

Some hours might have passed without her realizing; Noelle was woken up by a tap on her shoulder. She fell asleep on the top of the stairs. In the middle of her daze and confusion, Noelle shook her head and crawled her way to her room which wasn’t very far from the staircase.

“You want me to bring it to your room?” Rosa asked again when Noelle’s hand reached the knob. She turned her head back irritatingly and twisted the knob before pushing herself inside.

“I’ll bring your medicine with some soup.”

Rosa was in her room not long after with a bowl of soup and few packets of medicine. Noelle refused to reveal herself from the comforter which was covering her body.

“Wake up. Doctor said you need to eat and take the medicine.” Rosa muttered as she pulled the comforter from the body.

Noelle was curled up underneath with tears streaming down her face.

“What for Rosa? I’m going to die. The last thing I need to know that if somebody is going to be on my funeral.” She mumbled in a low straight voice, the tears wouldn’t stop pouring down from her bloodshot eyes even if she had commanded her brain to stop letting the salty water out.

Rosa pursed her lips and took a deep breath. “I’ll be there,” She herself couldn’t stand the sight in front of her. But Rosa never showed any emotion. It’s against her living rules.

Noelle couldn’t help but laugh. She’s somehow relieved that she got Rosa with her. A thought of ending her life earlier than she’s meant to did cross her mind before. Either way, it’s just the same. Sooner or later, she’d be dead. Alone.

"Dye my hair brown."

***

Months passed and the relationship between Noelle and Ashton were still the same despite the fact that Noelle wanted to be at peace with her twin but lately Noelle had been getting weaker and weaker as day passed by which made her almost never out from the bed. And even if Ashton surprisingly hadn’t been leaving the town, they almost never saw each other anymore.

One day, Noelle forced herself to join Ashton down for dinner. For some reason, she didn’t know why. She wanted to see her twin brother.

Noelle slowly made her way to the dining room where Ashton was quietly finishing his meal. She took a seat beside her twin and watched him eat. Ashton raised his left brown in a questioning manner as his eyes looked into the other’s sunken one. Honestly, Ashton was shocked. What’s happening with his twin? Why’s she this pale and this … dead?

“What kind of drug are you on?” He asked out of the mini shock which as usual he could easily hide. Noelle snorted and gave a small laugh.

“Ashton … I miss you.” She said in a tired voice as she took a deep breath. “I’m fucking dying.” With that she pushed herself up from her seat and limply walked back to her room.

Ashton dropped his utensils and recalled the sentence which just uttered slowly from his doppelganger’s chapped lips. What kind of joke was Noelle trying to pull on him? She felt like she needed more attention?

Ashton then followed his twin who was still on the fifth stairs but already panting.

“What are you talking about, Noelle?” He roared from the bottom of the stairs only to have the other subject dropped and rolled down the stairs.

***
Ashton remembered the first time when he had to come to the hospital. It was to visit his grandmother who just fell from the long staircase in her house. As soon as he stepped his left feet onto the linoleum floor, he immediately hated it. The place was horrible. And he prayed that he would never have to be back in that cursed place which smelled like dead. But somehow, most of times you always found yourself stuck with what you hate the most.

When Ashton was six years old, he was woken up with his parents rushing into his room and picking a few things up. In the middle of his confusion, he was buckled and seated down into the back seat of his parents’ Mercedes Benz. He didn’t dare to ask his parents about where they‘re heading to since his parents were looking so scary.

He screamed out when they arrived at the place he hated the most.

He remembered the quiet and fast conversation between his parents and two other people in white coat. The only thing he understood that time was the word “heart” and it was mentioned a lot. Then he was brought into a room where his twin sister was sleeping with many machines around her.

The scene seemed to be replaying back fifteen years later. Ashton was sure that he’s in the same room where he first came seeing his twin sister surrounded by machines.

Heart failure. Ashton didn’t even concentrate on listening to the explanation by the doctor anymore when those two words mentioned. The operation fifteen years ago was a success. What’s happening there? He couldn’t believe it.

“I never hate you. And I’m not saying this because you’re dying,” he mumbled to the sleeping figure. “I’m jealous because I have to be responsible to such a big matter and you don’t.”

“I hate how you’re allowed to have fun and I don’t …”

“I do miss you too … I miss our childhood”

Noelle’s funeral was attended my many. Most of people didn’t even know her in real life. They simple knew her as the twin brother of a famous young CEO or as the daughter of a successful old man.

Rosa was the one who cleaned her for the last time and put on her favorite dress. She shed a silent tear as she combed the dead’s smooth hair and dyed it brown as she had requested before. As for herself, Rosa just lost another precious little sister.

Ashton was professionally shaking hand with the people who came to the occasion, muttering thank yous to every console words he received. His mother was crying on the other bench with his father beside her. Ashton didn’t understand what kind of tears she was shedding. They’re never home. Even after Noelle’s first operation, after they received the news that she’d live long, they’re gone.

Noelle’s gone. Ashton's numb.