A Modern Modest Proposal

A Modest Proposal to Remedy the National Debt, Unemployment, and Overpopulation of the United States

People, we have a problem in this country: Beggars.

Yes, our country is fighting a war against a modern social illness of unprecedented magnitude and strength. You people may not be aware of this, since it is so highly inconvenient to step outside your windowless cubicle during the day, to look out the window of your Rolls-Royce on the way home from your powerful job, to see the people lurking in cardboard boxes or nursing homes, but OH MY GOD!

There is a preponderance of Beggars of two distinct types (poor and old) soiling our beautiful future, folks! They loiter in the streets, their disheveled hands stretching out, hoping we will donate some of our hard-earned money to their hopeless cause of life. All this time, their outstretched hands get in the way of our walking space. They are in the way, literally, of our ignorance and success. Because of them, we must pay attention when strutting on the sidewalks. Because of them, we cannot enjoy a pleasant stroll without boiling over with feelings of guilt and discomfort.

And that’s not all! The Old Beggars are just as bad as these Poor Beggars. They find pathetic excuses not to work just because their skin is wrinkled and their bones are frail. Instead, they make a living off our money. We work to pay for their retirement—so they can hang around longer than anyone wants them to. Then? Then they have dinner readily available ten feet away promptly at 4:30 in their sheltered nursing homes. We work to pay for their retirement, so we can further spoil them! They congregate in homes to exploit the working class, convincing us that special bath tubs with handle-bars on all sides, laundry services, wheel-chair pushers, maids, motorized beds, and cooks are necessary to keep them alive—just to further take advantage of us. These ancient Beggars make themselves seem pitiful to squeeze out every ounce of our precious money. It’s absolutely disgusting, and we must put an end to it.

We have a serious issue here, folks. We, the hard-working citizens who have made a living through dedication and education, are forced to support these Beggars—these impediments on society—because they are incapable of supporting themselves. With Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare, and other food, housing, education, and health care services for them, we can hardly afford to maintain our luxurious lifestyle. Just think of how many more overpriced Starbucks drinks we could order, how many more apps we could buy on our smart phones if we didn’t have to take care of these burdens!

The answer to a simpler life is simple. Here it is: eliminate all forms of health insurance— Medicare, Medicaid, all of it. Quit giving them exactly what they want; it’s not that hard! That way, the Poor Beggars won’t be able to afford to be healthy and alive, while the Old Beggars won’t depend on our money to get by. Only people that can afford to live will survive—an economic means of natural selection. After all, if they can afford health care, they are richer, which means they are stronger, smarter, better all-around people. And voila, our society has improved ten-fold! We, as a society, are smarter, more advanced, the cream of the crop. We are not inundated with national debt because we all support ourselves. We don’t need to find solutions to overpopulation. Survival of the fittest, people! It’s only fair! That way, you literally earn your living. If you can afford to be healthy and survive, you know you deserve it.

But that’s not all! To ensure that we will not only survive, but thrive in the absence of Beggars, we will profit from their failure. Their remnants will be a sacrifice—a testament to the progress of our society. Instead of burning and burying the bodies of the rejections, the Beggars, we will use their remains as fertilizer. Our agriculture and quality of food will improve, along with the appearance of our landscapes behind the white picket fences. Our country will even further become a more beautiful and fertile place to live. And, after all, who would dare object to a prettier yard or more abundant crops?

I know you are all nodding in approval of this brilliant plan. But I alone cannot fix our society. It is up to all of us, people, to rid our country of the blemish that is Beggars, the most putrid social illness of all. Write your congress-people and inform your friends! Hold your head high and ignore the ignorant individuals who call you elitist and arrogant, for they are probably Beggars themselves. Don’t you care about America? About the land of the free—the home of the brave?! We must not fail in our efforts if we believe in a future for our country. Let’s make this happen, once and for all!